The last few years have been tough, and each year seems to get worse. I’ve noticed that lately I’m just mad at the world and I would really love not to be.
I’m pissed that I did everything that I was supposed to do to for a “good life”. I got a degree while working full time. I busted my ass at shitty jobs so that I could be promoted, which really just lead to a lot more responsibility and a tiny bump in pay. I used to love my current job. I used to be a star there but now I’m starting to make a lot of mistakes because the culture has changed and I’m so unmotivated and irritated all the time. I don’t know where else I would go though. I know the same problems exist everywhere.
A very unhealthy “situationship” that I was in for almost five years recently ended and I’m pissed that he’s probably just hooking up with someone else like nothing ever happened. I’m mad that he can just happily move on with this life, and not miss me at all. Why does someone get to be happy after treating someone like crap for so long.
I’m pissed that another ex, who emotionally abused me for years and sexually assaulted me twice, is now living their absolute dream life (partner, dream job, living in a great city). And I’m alone, wondering if I’ll ever be touched by a man again.
I bought a house 3 years ago, completely on my own. I didn’t even have friends to help me move, but I’m tired of picking up garbage around my block because so many people here are just littering, trashy, slobs. Why am I trying to make my home look at least a little nice if your garbage is just going to constantly blow into my yard?
I’m just so tired of having to handle everything myself. Being alone in this world can be very stressful. I’ve been drinking to cope with it all, but that’s obviously not good and is definitely making it all worse. I keep asking myself “What’s the point in any of it”
Anyway, I exercise regularly. Yoga helps so I need to do more of that. I’ll be spending more time outside now that the weather is warming up, which will help. I can’t wait to start gardening!
I would love any other suggestions on how I can just let this anger go. I can’t change most of what’s pissing me off, but my attitude is slowly ruining my life. My insurance doesn’t cover therapy, so please don’t suggest that.
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It might seem cliche but if I find myself stuck on old hurts and anger (which can be completely reasonable but dragging me the eff down), journaling helps. I get to get those thoughts out of my head and somehow the practice releases me a little.
If I’m having a worked up moment, screaming into a pillow, watching a movie that I know will make me cry and doing something physically exhausting that involves heavy lifting (gardening is great for this) seems to help me.
When the weeks are long, I also plan to spend a Saturday morning in bed, get up late with ingredients for a nice breakfast and revel in doing what I want, when I want.
sometimes anger of this nature is masking depression – and I think you have some things to validly feel disappointed and sad and angry about.
Anger is a positive emotion when we harness it’s energy and let it motivate us to defend ourselves, to finally walk away from a hurtful or disrespectful relationship, or to leave a job that isn’t actually meeting our needs.
Instead of figuring out how to “let go” of your feelings – figure out how to feel them and attend to them. They are telling you something, and, some of these things you can still do something about in response to how you feel, rather than your options being just stew forever or get over it.
I used to feel this way. Here’s how I stopped doing that:
Don’t worry about what other people are doing. There is absolutely no reason you should even know what ex’s you’re not friends with are up to. (And if you have negative feelings like that about an ex, you shouldn’t try to be friends with them.) Blocking is self care. Literally don’t even think about those people. They have nothing to do with your life.
Really take the time to figure out what changes you need to make to live a life that feels like it belongs to you. Then map out the steps, break them down into smaller steps, and take at least one of those tiny steps every day until you are where you want to be. Maybe this is a career change. Maybe it’s a new hobby where you make some friends. Whatever it is that your life is missing, you have to find a way to get it. Once you do that, you won’t care what other people are doing.
Practice radical acceptance. I don’t mean thinking it’s ok to throw trash around, but like, have you ever met one of those really wise yet chill older women who’s lived in a sketchy neighborhood all her life and seen some shit? The ones who respond to everything like “sometimes people are like that” and does something about the stuff she can do stuff about and leaves the rest? Channel her energy. If your thing is picking up trash in your neighborhood, make it your thing and do it joyfully or at least dutifully, not resentfully. If it’s not your thing, don’t do it and accept that sometimes people are like that. I live in an urban neighborhood with some sketchy neighbors, too, and you really do have to protect your peace by figuring out exactly what you’re going to fix and what you’re going to just not focus on.
Have you allowed yourself to grieve and feel the full impact of the sad around some of these major events?
As you’ve described it you feel as if you’ve been wronged over and over. I’m not here to argue the validity because what you feel is real. For me, anger is sometimes a cover for a deeper set of feelings such as sadness, disappointment, grief, hopelessness.
I think there is absolutely a time and place for anger, however the exes that did you wrong don’t deserve any of your mental landscape anymore- anger does not protect you from them anymore. Take a deep breath, wash your hands in ice cold water, go outside, go for a walk. You need to start reframing what is happening and choose to acknowledge some of the good.
Me following, hoping to find some answers! 👀
Can we chat to brainstorm?
You’re focusing a lot on what you don’t have and comparing yourself to others.
Idk where you live, but anyone who can purchase a home on their own is an admirable and hard-working person. Saving up, budgeting, making the payments every month while also paying the utilities, groceries etc on their own is huge. I’d love to have been that person.
You have to give yourself grace, and every day, a pat on the back because you have achieved so much on your own and continue to do so. You have the motivation to exercise, the ability to move freely. Find some new friends, f*ck what your exes are doing.
Honestly, I think you did pretty well for yourself. It looks like you had no help from your family, but you got education, steady employment and are a homeowner. You did this on your own and I’m very proud of you.
You have to accept that life often isn’t fair, but don’t let it make you bitter. Just do the best you can. Grieve if you need to, but ty to let go of the past as best as you can. It can be a lengthy process, so don’t get discouraged. Stop following exes on social media, nothing good ever comes from it.
Let go off things you can’t control. Work on your yard, but don’t assume the responsibility for the entire community. It’s not going to improve until more neighbors start to care.
Personally, I need to be able to acknowledge and ride the wave of negative emotions before I feel better. Mindfulness allows me to do it in a safe and constructive way. I highly recommend it.
Your job situation is an area where I would put the most attention, because it’s something you can actually change. Yes, there are no perfect workplaces, but some places have better work culture than others. Years ago my husband was in a really bad place because of his job (micromanagement, bad commute, issues with coworkers etc). He couldn’t quit right away because he was on a work visa. The moment he could change jobs he did and his outlook on life really improved. I think it’s really something you should focus on.
You should stop drinking. Drinking regularly to deal with anger and sadness only leads to more anger and sadness. You get stuck in the cycle.
CBT
Perimenopause?
Bibliotherapy can have similar effect sizes as in-person therapy. There are many good CBT/ACT books out there.
I despised CBT but damn does it work.
This may be overly simplistic but is there a smash or a rage room near you? There is one fairly close to me and I love the concept: you are given protective equipment like goggles, and tools like hammers, etc. and you’re to smash everything in the room, to get your anger/aggression out in a safe way. Plus, you don’t have to clean up afterwards. I know this isn’t a cure-all but if it would help even a little, it might be worth looking into.
Does your insurance cover medication? I actually went to my PCP to get prescribed medication before I did therapy. Rage is also an expression of depression. I had a lot of rage for a long time. Zoloft helped a lot for me. It calmed me down and I don’t do as many stupid things anymore.
DO Happy! Every day do little things that bring you joy!!
I’m a sucker for surprises, it’s kinda stupid lol,but when I go to a restaurant,I’ll pick 2-3 dishes and ask the waiter to pick one for me and not tell me. Obviously it’s not for everyone and it feels like such a little stupid thing but it brings me such a joy when I get my surprise meal hahaha
There’s a book called ” Feral Self-Care” by Mandi Em…it’s also on audible -sometimes I cannot read hahaha
DIY therapy through ABCDE method (part of Learned Optimism by Selgman) and feminist thought ladder (part of Take Back your Brain by Loewentheil). I also got a lot out of Burnout by the Nagoski sisters and Gifts of Imperfection by Brown. Kristen Neff has an excellent TED talk on self compassion. Set Boundaries, Find Peace is also good.
Basically make yourself the project for a bit. Learn to shift your inner dialogue to be nice to yourself. Let go of perfectionism (ie high standards) and clear out beliefs that are sabotaging your happiness.
If you’re not a reader these are available on audio from your library.
For the job… Designing Your Life by Burnet/Evans is great for figuring out what you like at work and shifting your energy there. Too often women are pushed into the low promotable work. Sure do your share and then let the rest just go unaddressed. No reason to kill yourself to make up for bad management.
I know people say anger isn’t healthy, but for me anger was always better than whatever other people. It shows me where my limits and boundaries are.
Your anger is telling you something.
Your job isn’t good enough based on the skills and education you have, you can go elsewhere, no the same problems don’t exist everywhere. You did shitty jobs and found a semi-decent one that went bad. But you do now know that semi-decent jobs exist, and that you’re at the level to find one.
You were in a situationship for 5 years instead of stopping it after 5 weeks. Situationships don’t benefit you. Never again.
You don’t have to pick up the trash that everyone else leaves lying around. Focus on your house, your home, your garden, create your own paradise. Zone out the rest of the block. It’s not doing you any good, and shitty people who litter don’t change. (as a side note: shouldn’t your local city hall be cleaning the streets more?)
Just be thankful you’re angry rather than defeated. The fact you feel angry means you have the self-esteem to know you deserve and deserved more. A lot of people when dealing with endless bad behaviour from others don’t feel angry, they feel like they’re to blame, that they need to change, become “more” whatever it is that they need to become. You’re healthier than this.
All the other comments are pretty good, so I won’t reiterate what everyone else has said. But I will share that for me personally (based on “everything” I should have been happy – beautiful family, decent job, “good” husband, etc. I eat well and exercise. But I would still have irrational rage, and lash out at my family. The only thing that helped so far has been Lexapro. So just something to keep in mind…might be worth exploring.
I will add get your blood and hormones tested. Vitamin deficiencies, thyroid issues, perimenopause can all cause mental health problems like anxiety, aggression, or depression.
Also on the other side, I went through an aggressive period like this when I realized how long I’ve been failing to set boundaries and not asking for help when I needed it. Seeing you have stayed with an abusive man for years, and in a situationship for years, I would guess you did too. I got out of this aggression more and more as I practiced boundaries and I spoke my mind.
There is first grief but then a lot of power in recognizing your own mistakes. The world does not owe use fairness. Once you realize you don’t have to stay in a situationship for example, you don’t get mad at your exes or guys who keep you waiting. You just move on with your own life.
IMO anger is fueled by focusing on other people instead of investing and focusing on your own development and pathway.
Focus on things you’re grateful for. Focus on the goals you have and what you can do to achieve them. Focus on what serves you and this anger and resentment is not serving you.
Anger is an involuntary response. It’s good to feel anger, it protects us. But remember to be grateful for the good and focus on the people and things that are supporting you. It’s unkind to only ever think of those who hurt you and not those who helped you. Send a card to people who’ve helped you in life. Journal about them.
Ugh I wish I had a house of my own. Congrats on that. You’re doing a lot better than a lot of single 30 yos out there.
It sucks, doesn’t it? Following the rules you were told, with the promise of good things after, only for the good things to just.. not really appear?
There are a lot of things going on here, and they all contribute to and pile on top of one another.
Psychologically-speaking: anger/rage is a symptom of depression. Sometimes it’s the only one. You’ve hinted at some other symptoms, too, but I know anger is my indicator that my depression is becoming unmanageable.
Neurologically/behaviorally-speaking: feelings are just as much a “habit” as behaviors are. The more time you spend feeling a certain way, the more fixed that feeling will be in your brain. Not just that, but it also becomes harder to unwind that feeling-habit. Your brain keeps connections that you continue to use, and prunes the ones you don’t. So you’ve actually got two things to address: you’ve got to phase out the habit of feeling anger, and build up a habit of feeling something else.
Personally, I found EMDR perfect for this. The techniques used in EMDR foster your brain’s ability to build new neural connections, which is critical to new behaviors. You don’t need full-on EMDR therapy necessarily–but you do need cross-body movement. So walking, hiking, exercises that have you putting right hand on left side and vice versa. (Gardening would work for sure!) You do also need to be processing while you’re moving; thinking about the causes of the anger, then consciously holding a new thought or perspective in your mind. It wouldn’t JUST be walking or gardening–it would be actively engaging your brain on the anger while doing those things.
I can advice 2 things:
Feel your anger. In the moment and also retrospectively. What you’re feeling is totally normal, from everything you’ve said, it’s normal to feel angry when you’ve tried to do things right and things don’t work out! It’s normal to feel frustrated. Are you trying to repress your anger and frustration? Usually that makes it so that you don’t really “feel” your feelings but they’re constantly in your mind, so you can’t move on. Take the space and time to actually feel them, validate yourself and then…
Celebrate your accomplishments. You bought a house, that’s HUGE! even if it comes with problems. Practice gratitude, every day, even the little things. The way you talk to yourself and about yourself will literally change the way your brain works. If it’s always full of negativity, that’s what you’ll feel and think all the time. Find glimmers (good things that add to your day) in every day things: sunlight, food om the table, things like that. Practice it every day! You say you do yoga: maybe that would be a great time to add a few seconds to your routine and say out loud 3 things you’re grateful for, things you’re looking forward to. It might feel weird at first but then it will start to come out more naturally!
Hope it helps 💖
I would talk with a therapist about the Anger Iceberg. You can google it also. Because anger is a cover up emotion that means something else.
For me it was depression. But I did already know that. My version of depression is apathy. Sometime I wish I could get angry, but I “just dont care.
If you have any childhood or adult traumas, even specifically the sexual assault, I would fo EMDR therapy specifically to heal this. It is very effective.
Edited.
i’m sorry that you’re experiencing life through a lens of anger and frusration. it has to be exhausting. it was for me, back in the day. in addition to yoga, maybe meditation? you’ve got a lot going on, within your own mind. allowing 20 minutes of you day to find inner quiet could be helpful. the initial challenge will be finding the silence and getting your brain to shut up, but maybe your yoga practice includes the inner silence. either way, balancing you inner process may help in handling the other variables in your life. i hope you find the peace and release you’re looking for.
Stop drinking. That will help a lot.
At one point in my life I had to ask myself why I allowed men to keep treating me like shit, and after I was completely honest with myself it was because I had low self esteem. I didn’t feel good about myself, and so that was the stuff I was willing to put up with.
I learned to actually really love myself, flaws and all, and that helped me immensely.
I don’t know if that’s the case with you, but for me, having a true come to Jesus moment or whatever you want to call it is what helped me move on from the hurt that others caused and that I allowed.
I bet you when it finally warms up outside you’re going to come alive!
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Remind yourself that feelings aren’t permanent, they are just passing visitors.
If you have the time for a dog, my dogs help me manage these type of feelings and are great companions. Long walks with the dogs help me ease frustrating feelings. I was frustrated in my 30s also. Not so much in my 40s, it will likely ease up. Are you taking any medication? I was on montelukast for asthma which has mood issues as a side effect, mood improved when I quit.
You’re in your early 40’s, have you been checked for perimenopause or menopause? If it’s a hormonal issue that could be addressed with something like HRT, then you owe it to yourself to find out for your quality of life
No one else is going to do it for you, so take steps to address these issues and that could be a great starter
What kind of content are you consuming? I notice that if I’m watching intense doom and gloom shows or reading a lot of end of catastrophizing reddit threads my mood overall is darker. My solution is to only really consume this kind of content during the daytime when the sun counteracts the dark mood.