Hi all, not sure where to address it but does anyone else hate it when plans are changed suddenly or a friend brings somebody with them. I agreed with a friend we will go to a party tonight and today she texted me she has a male friend who wants to join tonight (that triggered me already). I mean ok if he will be there at the party (it‘s not my decision whos gonna be there). But then she suggested he can drive us there and I was like hell no. i dont want to be in a car of a stranger (she said he would maybe use her car). Am I overreacting, I always get so triggered when plans change. I lose all interest to go there.. that happened a lot in the past with several female friends. I am not sure how to navigate this…
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This is majorly a you problem and I could not recommend therapy enough. For most people, really
Yes, you’re overreacting and are bigoted. Get the professional help you need.
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Are you worried you’re going to be a third wheel? I get that he’s a stranger, but you’re friend is now offering you a ride there and back via her friend. You can always say no and meet her at the party, but you are turning down the chance to also meet new people and see your friend if you don’t go at all.
This is a you problem. Things can’t be exactly as you want them all the time.
I have generalized anxiety disorder, and I realized a few years ago through therapy that it’s extremely anxiety inducing for me if things don’t go the way I expected them to. But I also realized that that’s a me problem, not an everybody else problem. I can’t expect no one else to ever do anything spontaneous just because I’ll be anxious if they do. So I have to focus on my response, not on other people.
If you don’t want to ride in a car with a man you don’t know (which is a totally legitimate choice for you to make), then ride separately and plan to meet up there. But it sounds like your friends are a little more spontaneous than you are, and that’s not necessarily a character flaw.
I am very free spirited but I also like to have a bit of control. In this situation I would just drive myself.. do I mind when my friends bring someone else ? Usually not but it depends. It can always make or break the vibe … so I will opt to meet them there .. at my age I feel my friends don’t hang out around people that I don’t get along with …
Is it because it’s a guy? I’ll give you an example.. months ago my bf and I were going to go to a concert. He invites his bff .. he then tells me his bff will drive.. his bff is nice but an adrenaline junkie and fast driver lol. I didn’t care if he came with us I like him but I told him I’ll just drive us and he meets us there …
His friend likes to go out after going out so I wanted control back
That’s what I mean about control I just like to have it lol
I too would not want to ride with someone to a party when I did not know their stance on drunk driving- assuming there’s alcohol involved. But yeah, plans change. Maybe plan to drive yourself.
Perhaps you would feel more comfortable driving yourself to parties or events? Then you can decide who rides with you, and what time you leave. When a friend suddenly introduces a new person that will be driving, it implies they will be drinking, and its understandable not to be ok with that new dynamic.
Some women though just will never get – that randomly inserting a man last minute into a presumed female only situation where you didn’t expect one, isn’t welcomed by all women.
For me, its really up to the guy’s energy. I’ve been completely ok with female friends even bringing a guy to one of our parties, events, or vacation – if he’s able to match the energy of the group. Some other men though completely change the whole experience, to make it NOT worth it.
If you feel this strongly, would always recommend driving yourself to parties/events, so you have more control. You can also gently let your friend know, that you are skipping this party, or decided to drive yourself.
Boundaries are for you to decide what’s acceptable in your world, not to control other people.
I hate it but I’m neurodivergent and I know most people don’t hate it
I feel this way about changed plans due to being neurodivergent. It’s hard for me to pivot at the last moment and being in a car with someone I don’t know isn’t great (bad past experiences). Many comments are making this a character flaw when it may be something like ASD, anxiety, etc.
If you are uncomfortable I would just bow out of the plans. If you are okay driving yourself and still going you could pose that.
I am sorry you are being unfairly ridiculed for something that is extremely common among many groups of people. 🫶🏻
Sending you love 💗
I promise i am not being mean but this is a very strong trait of autism in women, if you have other autistic traits I’d look into getting checked
I’m kinda on the fence with this one. You had plans to go with your friend, now she’s invited a stranger who happens to be a man, and you’re uncomfortable with that. I think you have a right to be, but it’s up to you as to how you handle it. You can opt out, or you can get yourself there and meet them. Perhaps you could suggest to your friend that you go together and this person meets you at the party? You have options.
The other piece of this is that you need to address your ability, or the lack there of, to bounce back after plans change. In the moment as it’s happening on the fly, I get the overwhelm. But if this is a few days in advance you’ve gotta develop coping mechanisms to figure out how to manage your anxiety. I’m a person that tends not to react well to on the fly changes in plans so I will usually just reinforce that “these were the plans and I cannot make this change last minute. I’m happy to meet you at our original place at the original time but if this is no longer what you’re wanting to do then I will not be going.” And that’s that. I have a couple friends who like to shift last minute and I just do the best I can and catch up with them at whatever point I can. It’s annoying for me but they leave the door open for me to come scurrying in to join when I’ve figured myself out 😂
I actually hate it when people hold me to plans, but I have a friend who has a hard time changing plans, so it’s interesting 😂
For me, it depends. If I issue an invitation to do xyz, then the role of the other person is to accept or decline. Taking control of the plan and changing it is poor manners. In this case, it’s totally reasonable to not want to get in a stranger’s car, so you just need to be direct that no, you aren’t doing that, and you can decide to meet them there. In future you can choose better company.
It’s pretty simple – you can either drive yourself there or cancel. These aren’t 1:1 plans, it’s a party and inviting more people is how it goes.
This is one where i wouldn’t be bothered that a stranger is coming, but will drive myself to the party if i don’t trust the driver and don’t want to be in a confined, easily derailed environment with them. Or if i don’t want to go, don’t go and never invite the same friend again. You are not wrong to be annoyed, but the level of annoyance suggests a rigid way of thinking. Whether that is a problem is your decision.
I’m more of a the more the merrier kind of person, especially when it comes to going to a party.
If you don’t like that, then just distance yourself from this girl or drive yourself to these things so you feel more comfortable and in control of the situation.
I get more annoyed when people won’t commit to plans. Like they want you to hold your schedule open just in case they decide they want to join. But small changes to logistics don’t bother me. I can understand, though, not wanting to be reliant on a strange man you’ve never met and your friend doesn’t know well for transportation.
OP I’m gonna back you up on this and disagree with others that you need therapy for this particular situation. It could be anxiety if you get triggered every time a plan changes in your life… but honestly, it really is so annoying when you look forward to a fun night with your bestie, expecting to share personal updates, inside jokes, be each other’s wingwoman, etc, and at the last minute they invite someone new and it changes the entire dynamic of the night. Suddenly certain things you only felt comfortable to talk about with them might be off limits in front of the new person, and now you have to entertain an extra person instead of just the 2 of you having fun in your own way which changes the vibe. Like what if the new person is overly serious and doesn’t share our sense of humor or they’re a wet blanket who can’t let loose like we can?
It’s not necessarily always a bad thing, as long as you can adapt and learn to adjust expectations and have a good night anyway, and hey you might make a new friend.
But I also get annoyed at first when people do this at the last minute. I don’t think you are wrong or neurodivergent for feeling this way.
If I have one on one plans with a friend like we’re going for dinner or grabbing a coffee to catch up I would be annoyed if they brought a third person without clearing it first with ample notice.
But going to a party or a show or something, it wouldn’t bother me if someone else went with us. I think of my friend’s friends as potential new buddies I just haven’t met yet. I like meeting new people.
My social circle is fully mixed with men and women.
This is an “expectations” problem. Things did not go exactly how you wanted. You may need to ease up a bit here to keep yourself happy. You can’t always get what you want.
Yeh I also don’t like plans changing, however sometimes it depends on my mood in that moment, or how my whole week has gone!
I’ve learned to be very clear about what the expectations are, because I am practicing clear and direct communication for my own comfort.
I always ask now who else is invited, the mood of who I’m going with (like are they looking forward to it or very tired, maybe hoping to get more comfortable when they arrive or potentially leave by a certain time), and also tell the person I’m with how I’m feeling.
It helps me adapt more easily to the circumstances and prepare mentally. Also, I’m getting more comfortable with saying no to a spontaneous plan if I actually don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like I’ll give it a go and see how I feel and others I’m ‘done’ and I leave.
Tell your friend you were expecting just to see her and not meet someone new who she doesn’t know well either, it’s ok to not be as comfortable with it but be direct that you’ll either meet her there or meet another time.
People saying you need therapy are being very harsh, forcing yourself to ‘just go with it’ isn’t healthy either.
I’m autistic, and it’s one of my triggers.