That’s exactly what my sister said to me about 7 months ago, she said she doesn’t have a brother and her brother died and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and I’m not longer her brother.
I was raised by my parents with values that a brother should always take care of his sister and always support her, but she literally said that I’m fucking dead to her and she doesn’t want me in her life anymore.
She’s 24, yes she’s young but she’s an adult and she should atleast be aware of the words she’s using against her own family right?
She left our home to be with a questionable man, we were against her decision and tried to warn her but she didn’t listen and she left to live with him.
We are religious but my sister isn’t she has always been a rebellious woman.
Last week my sister called me and she said she needed my help, she said her boyfriend was abusing her and she left and she went to our cousin and she’s living with him and asked me if she could stay with us for a few days.
I said that I don’t really want her in my house after she said that her brother died but I’ll talk to my wife and get back to her.
When I told my wife she got angry and she said there’s no way she’s sharing a roof with my sister and if I let her in after what my sister said and did, she’ll smack me and go back to her parents.
So I told my sister that I can’t let her live in our home and she should stay with our cousin instead until she figures it out for herself.
But my cousin called me said that I’m the not a good brother and I should help my sister, I told him to let her stay with you and take care of her, she’s your sister and unlike me you are still alive for her.
Leaving our moral and religious perspective aside, my sister said that I’m dead to her which stings me still even if I have a soft spot for her and she disregarded our concern and I don’t think it’s worth risking my marriage over my sister after what she said and done.
Aita?
Comments
Your sister’s been watching too many soap operas with all this ‘you’re dead to me’ drama! Maybe send her a survival guide for relationships instead of letting her crash at your place.
NTA. She declared you dead to her, so she can’t just resurrect you when it’s convenient. You don’t get to nuke the bridge and then demand a ride across the rubble. That said, if you do decide to help her eventually, make it clear it’s a one-time lifeline—not a free pass to treat family like emotional napkins. But your wife’s stance is 100% valid, and your sister’s got a roof with the cousin. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Actions have consequences. You don’t get to declare someone ‘dead to you’ and then show up like nothing happened when life gets hard. She torched the bridge — now she’s shocked she can’t cross it.
NTA. Like you said, she’s young but shes still an adult. Time she starts to learn the consequences of her own actions.
Don’t feel guilty. If you take her in, she’ll continue to use and abuse your love. You’ll be showing her that she can get away with treating you like dirt and will continue to do so. Time she stops acting like a spoilt little princess and keep her mouth under control. A moment from the lips can take years on the heart.
You were right to tell your cousin that she’s his problem now. He can’t take the moral high ground when he’s looking to toss her aside already. Maybe he’s fed up with her behaviour too.
Time to concentrate on your wife now. Good luck.
ah, yeeees, the religious people.
Preaching love and forgiveness, and then refusing to help family over words that were said and a butthurt ego…
The thing is how do you even know that her boyfriend is actually abusing her, maybe he is an abuser or maybe they had an argument and she’s falsely accusing him of abuse, you just can’t trust her after what she said to you 7 months ago.
From my experience, people who like to say they are religious are judgemental and have conditional love. It’s,” Do what I say, how I say, or we cut you off emotionally.” Most people are religious, it’s just one who think, “We are the ones. Only what we say matters.” You cut your sister off long ago, why drop your punishing attitude now?
Hmm, an immature woman fell for an abusive man who no doubt love-bombed her, then convinced her that her family would never support their relationship. And surprise! Her religious family played right into the abusive boyfriend’s hands, cutting her off from any support system that could help her. And since they’fe religious, evidently abusive coersion is no excuse for harsh words unless God is on your side. No wonder abusers like religious women. Their families never forgive anything. Very Christian of you. (I assume you’re Christian; they’re the most hypocritical). Yes. YTA, and so is your wife. Do you even understand what abuse is? Do you get that what she said was part of her training?
Sounds like a lot of judgement on both sides of this. Maybe you both need to grow up. Speaking as someone who would give anything to have another 5 minutes with my brother. Death is permanent. Fix your relationship, sounds like she wants to. Maybe accept her faults and all, and don’t judge her. And ask the same if her. You’ll end up happier.
INFO- what spurred her to say that her brother was dead to her?
There’s sooo much context left out of this .. what events led to your sister declaring you ‘dead to her?’ Do you believe she’s actually in an abusive relationship and simply don’t want to / too hurt to help or do you think she’s overstating the seriousness of her predicament? How does religion play a role in any of this?
This account is lacking so many details i can’t help but feel like you are intentionally avoiding context that might make you look bad. can’t judge for sure but strongly suspect YTA
What brother?
The brother who’s dead to her?
She left the abusive BF, is safe with your cousin.
She is old enough to figure out her own shit without you jeopardizing your own marriage.
Time to get a job and rent an apartment and start being a 24 year old adult
You can always send her a list of homeless shelters I your city/town to help her keep a roof over her head.
NTAH
Has she ever even apologised for her remarks?
I feel like there’s a lot missing here.
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Regardless of what your sister said to you, if she is being battered, you could let her stay for 1-2 nights or help her out with hotel cost for 1-2 nights.
Secondly, although you can help her temporarily as stated above, she is not your responsibility for anything longer than that. She is 24, well into adulthood and is responsible for her own decisions.
Thirdly, if she is with an abuser, then she was abused growing up by one or both parents and/or siblings. She needs therapy, and I suspect you do, too.
NTA but…… I think you should help your sister and here’s why. An older brother’s take btw
Firstly I think you’re within your rights to be hurt by her words. I would be. However, this might end up being one of those teachable moments for her and could make your relationship stronger in the long run. It’s called rupture and repair. It happens in relationships. How you handle it is the key. If JC could resurrect Lazarus, you should be able to resurrect this relationship.
I would ask myself what it will take to let her stay with me. Not full forgive and forget but baby steps.
I’d talk to my partner again and ask what it would take for them to support me in this. I would explain very calmly and clearly that although I’m hurt and feeling defensive I feel very strongly I should help my sister and I need my partner to be with me on it.
I would express all of this to my sister. Tell her I want to help her but I’m struggling with the hurt of her words. Tell her my partner is hurt and worried. I would not only look for an apology but also would want to see some kind of genuine effort to help heal the relationship. I would tell her I’ll help but be very clear about the expectations. Set a time limit as well.
I would keep in mind that she’s probably already eating humble pie so there’s really no need to punish her further or become patronizing. Guide her and encourage healthy change but don’t parent her.
Don’t allow anyone to make a fool of you, she’s young enough to make mistakes but old enough to take responsibility for them.
Sounds like it’s important for you to help and I commend that. It’s completely your right to do that but completely your right to not be a doormat about it either.
I think your sister can take care of herself but I also think your wife is an AH. She sounds abusive.
YTA – which religion is it that you follow? Is it not one that preaches forgiveness? She’s been abused by her boyfriend and you don’t want to help her? You’re a a massive AH.
Nta! Your wife has a say too. Not just you. If helping your sister destroys your marriage, your marriage comes first. You have a new family that you started the moment you said “yes I do” and your first priority is to uphold those vows. I would think Christian family members would understand that. I mean, Genesis 2:24? Matthew 19:6? Just slap them around the ears with those texts. I do love knowing the entire Bible front to back even though I stopped identifying as Christian some years ago.
From a Christian perspective it’s good to forgive. And maybe you should forgive your sister. Not because she deserves to be forgiven, but because you deserve peace of mind. I learned the hard way that holding a grudge can really hinder you to move on. It’s why I believe that forgiveness is more for the person who has been hurt, than for the offender. It’s about letting go of pain and anger and moving forward without those burdens. Because holding on to old hurts is like living in chains. Forgiving doesn’t equal forgetting. Forgiving also doesn’t mean everything is as it used to be again. But at least it would mean all hard feelings can be gone and then you can decide whether or not to give her another chance to build up that bond, but you’re not even obliged. It’s not like when you forgive someone you immediately have to be close to each other. But even if you can forgive her that doesn’t mean you have to destroy your marriage to help her. She has a roof with your cousin already.
This man who was abusive had probably convinced her that her family was all against her, and that was behind her attitude to you.
It’s a common tactic for abusers to isolate their victims.
With that in mind, I would help her.
>We are religious but my sister isn’t she has always been a rebellious woman.
I think this might put a different spin on things, don’t take the OP’s story as gospel here!
why’s nobody talking about what his wife said 💀
I wouldn’t want to go out of my way for someone who cut me out of their lives, especially if they hadn’t apologised. Your wife is your priority. It’s her house too, and she says no.
However, often in toxic relationships, abusers will try and isolate their victims from their families through manipulation tactics. This may have been what was happening here. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be held responsible for her actions, but if she is apologetic and wants a relationship again, I would hear her out. Even if you can not help her with a place to live, you may be able to support her in other ways.
Side note: I don’t really like how you talk about non-religious people in this post. You’re not morally superior because you believe in a god. Your sister isn’t a “rebellious woman” because she doesn’t believe in a god. Please be respectful of other people’s beliefs.
Need more info
What was the fight about, because you are just giving breadcrumbs. Also how is the relationship between her and your parents.
You hear your sister got abused and she is asking for help to get out of a dangerous situation and you said no because that line alone????…. That is crappy thing of you and your parents to do. You being too proud full.
As soon as you called your sister “a rebellious woman” I was out
Fake ass Christian
INFO Having your sister over is a 2 yes 1 no situation. You and your wife are on the same page about her staying. However, was her statement about not having a brother out of nowhere or did something happen? Where did this happen?
I’m glad she’s safe with your cousin and I hope you can talk things out with your sister. Sometimes we get into toxic relationships because it’s a pattern we grew up with or there’s something we are trying to escape.
So much info is missing from this.
Missing missing reasons. There’s a story here, but you’re telling only fragments of it. Can’t judge on this sketchy outline.
She’s reaping what she sowed!
You wife is your priority. Period.
Your wife doesn’t want your sister there. Period.
There is no conflict here. “No” is a complete sentence. Your sister isn’t welcome at your house.
While I do agree that there’s a lot of missing context…
It’s your house and it’s your wife’s house. This is a “two yes, one no” situation. Both of you don’t want her in, that you’re right as a homeowner. NTA
Family is important, you should always try and forgive Family. What does your religion say about forgiveness?
Forgive your sister my help her as best as you can, but don’t go against your wife.
“We are religious but my sister isnt she always be a rebelious woman”
What this means?
“She’ll smack me”
What the f???????
NTA for being upset with her but YTA for not trying SOMETHING to help her. Give her numbers for homeless shelters, ect. Maybe she was just young & lashing out when she said what she did. But to say essentially “no I won’t help you because you said mean & hurtful things to me years ago”. She literally left an abusive relationship & you have no empathy for her?
**What happened to make her tell you she has no brother?
YTA. Her ex isolated her and she reached out for help and you turned her down. Nice to see your religion teaches empathy.
It one of the few times we get some prospective for the other side of the story. People have values, right or wrong, that we need to respect or respectively disagree with. Sister crossed the line with the your dead to me. Op is nta
Her choosing not to be religious is not rebellious!
I’m going with YTA! Because what happened to the part of religion where you help those in need? Did your religion not teach you that part?
Your sister was wrong for saying that to you but you deciding to turn your back on her when she’s being abused is far worse!
I’m interested to know why she said you were dead to her.
You’re putting your religion and your ego above your sisters safety. No wonder she didn’t want to stay in contact with you.
So, you left your accused sister to her fate when she reached out for help?
You’re dead to me as well..
YTA.
YTA bc you obviously have no values and your whole post is suspect. You dont give details over what exactly happened or what possible reasons your sister said you were dead to her. So much for growing up right if this is how you respond to your sister in need.
NTA. If she apologized for her remark, it would be easier.
We are supposed to forgive for sure, and help family when needed.
Proverbs 17:17 New international Version
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Holman Christian Standard Bible
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.
Matthew 7:6
New International Version
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Christianity. com’s comment in this verse.
This phrase means to avoid giving valuable things or sharing important insights with those who do not appreciate or understand their worth. It emphasizes the importance of discernment in relationships and communication.
It is a difficult thing, especially when she has apparently not offered an apology for saying such a thing. I think that when a woman is in an abusive situation, she can defend the ‘wrong person‘ and say hurtful things she would never say under different circumstances.
So grace and forgiveness may be extended under exigent circumstances. If you were to let her stay for a couple two or three days just try to maintain boundaries. If possible, figure how much money you can give her or how you can help her. Try to do it without expectation of repayment, or to keep, ‘what would Jesus do?’ in the forefront of your actions.
I know it’s easy for a stranger to give advice like this and understand the difficulty of forgiving someone who has wronged you or hurt you; this is my best advice. Take care ❤️❤️
YTA for using the phrase “rebellious woman”. What utter bullhsit. Who’s she rebellious against? You? Some patriarchal nonsense? Religion? Good. Good for her. If her life’s a mess it’s probably because she was raised by and with people who think a women can be “rebellious”.
This whole story sound sketchy, like you’re leaving g a lot out OP. So what exactly happened for her tk say you are dead to her?
ESH because there is a hell lot missing from this story especially with you emphazising on being religious and her being a rebellious woman.
YTA. Typical “Christian” “love”.
info: why did your sister say that to you?
There are gaps in this story.