I (32 F) and my husband (35M) have been together for 13 years. In this time we haven’t been out to eat much with just us and his parents, mainly as a whole family thing (including siblings, aunties, cousins etc), and when we have it’s been to buffet restaurants, so I’ve never experienced this exact situation before.
We went out to eat tonight – just us two, mother and father in law, and mine and my husbands son (toddler, I’ll keep his age out for privacy?! And it’s irrelevant).
We ordered a lot of food to share rather than individual meals, and each loaded up our plates multiple times.
We’d pretty much finished the food apart from about one serving of one of the dishes and my father in law tells (not asks) me SEVEN times to finish it. I politely decline 6 times – no thank you, oh I’ve had enough thank you, really I couldn’t eat anymore if I tried but thank you- until the 7th time I was so pissed at being told to eat more that I just said “no I’m not eating anymore food.” To which he responded “I don’t like wasting food”, and then ate it himself. Bearing in mind the food was most definitely cold at this point so even if I had wanted it, it wouldn’t have been enjoyable.
I totally get not wanting to waste food, but he could have asked for it to go or just eaten it himself in the first place, instead of trying to basically bully me into it. He didn’t try to push the food on my husband or my mother in law either, just me.
I haven’t spoken to my husband about this yet, but I could tell even he was getting annoyed and started saying no for me. I feel like I may be slightly overreacting but coming from a family who never forced me to eat more than I was comfortable with, this behaviour is outrageous to me. I learnt early on that my husbands family are expected to clear their plates, so whenever we eat at their home I always plate my own food up so there isn’t too much. Once I did put slightly too much on (there was maybe two bites left but I simply could not stomach it), started scraping it into the bin and my father in law shouted from the next room “WHO IS WASTING FOOD?”
I don’t want to be in this position at a restaurant ever again, and therefore do not want to go out to eat with them in this sort of setup ever again.
Would this make me an a hole??
Comments
I don’t think you’re an ahole. I think your father in law needs to understand that not everyone has the same issue with wasting food as he does. If your husband can’t talk sense into the dude, just take a to-go container with you and throw it away when you get home.
No, they sound insufferable. You should explain to your husband about it and stand your ground. You’re a grown ass woman and can decide if you’re hungry or not.
NTA, take-home boxes exist for a reason. He could have just as easily asked for one and taken home the food so it wouldn’t be wasted, or sent the box home with you. No.. this was an attempt at a power play and he’s just mad he couldn’t make you do what he wanted.
How have you been with your husband for 13 years but HE has a son who’s a toddler. Sounds like your inlaws are the least of your problems.
Yes they are weird and they are probably that way because of food insecurity in their past (or their parents grew up during the depression). My silent generation parents have similar food habits.
But soft-YTAH if you completely avoid eating with them. I think that you are slightly overreacting to an annoying situation.
There is a way to get around this a a restaurant: a to-go box (or two). Serving sizes are so big, I now automatically put half or 2/3 of my plate to the side. Just plan on a box (or 2) before hand.
Good luck!
NTA. You’re an adult, not a garbage disposal. If he doesn’t want food wasted, he can eat it or order less next time.
NTA and I can only imagine how he treats your husband’s mother. Sounds like he made you the new target of controlling behavior since another woman was around.
Very interesting to me that he was trying to force you to eat it and not his son.
Let your husband and kid go out with grandma and grandpa next time and you treat yourself to a nice meal alone.
IMO his behavior doesn’t rise to the level of no more dinners out. Your FIL sounds like he grew up modestly and has a bit of OCD. I had a FIL who was similar. Hated seeing food wasted. One time he literally fished out a quarter stick of old butter I’d thrown out and used it to butter his bread. Ugh. As he aged he became worse. We ignored it by starting to clear the table when we were eating together at home. In restaurants as people finished we asked if anyone was still eating and if not then we asked for leftovers to be boxed and gave it to him.
You don’t say if you like your FIL, I was kind of MEH about mine. We didn’t have much in common, especially religion and politics, but he was a hardworking decent guy so to keep the peace I let a lot roll off my back. He became a really good grandfather so I’m glad we didn’t have past baggage to get over. I was the one who compromised the most but now that he’s gone I’m glad I just let it be. Same with my MIL who disapproved of a lot about our perfectly normal lifestyle. Again, just steered clear.
NTA, I came from a “clean your plate“ Family and I still struggle in my relationship with food.
You’ve been together 13 years and your husband has a toddler? Not your child? 🙄
Yeah that sounds annoying but refusing to ever eat out with them again is a bit of an overreaction.
I’d be annoyed too. But I probably would have suggested a to-go box just to let him feel like it wouldn’t be wasted.
YTA. Your husband was actually getting mad at you for ruining the atmosphere for him. Your father in law was completely justified and you were trying to deliberately waste food in front of him to start drama
Limit how many times a month you eat with them.
Never go to a restaurant and order items to share. Sorry! No Chinese when you go with them.
When you order, tell the waitstaff to cut yours in half and put half in a to go box. That way they’ll never see it on a plate.
Only order soup if you’re going to meet for lunch.
NTA
Eh I could go either way. I think the answer is to set boundaries before you go next time. If they invite you again just say- We would love to go, I just want to be clear that if I order a plate of food and can’t finish, I will be getting a to go box and do not want you to expect me to eat when I am not hungry. I can warm it up when I get home the next day for lunch. If he still tries to force you to eat it, call the waiter/ waitress ask for a to go box and then leave. Once at home let your husband know you will not eat with them again. I would also let him know you’re gonna have that conversation beforehand.
NTA, but is this the hill you want to die on? There is a certain generation raised not to waste food (that kid in the back row waving his hand like crazy is me.) We went to restaurants that gave prizes for “The Clean Plate Club,” and our dogs got fat on food stealthily fed them under the table. The same generation of men from that time were often taught to never grab the last…whatever, and especially if a woman might want it. Yeah, the FIL went a bit overboard—probably also been told he needs to eat less—but this is pretty minor, IMO.
What do they expect of the toddler?
Lol Jesus Christ this is such a overreaction
Nta. It would be appropriate to explain that you are an adult and you will eat exactly what you choose. His comments are not welcome or and do not change your behavior. I too come from a family that never pushed food. Some in my extended family did. My parents shut that down until I was old enough to do it myself. Maybe your husband should handle it from now on, directly. It’s his family.
NTA
But, I wouldn’t never go to eat with them. Especially if this causes conflict to your husband. Here is what I would do. Have a serious conversation with your husband about how this can’t continue. Yes, standing up for yourself is important, but in this case, he needs to make it clear he doesn’t appreciate his father treating you that way. On top of that, he needs to be crystal clear to his parents that you and he are not raising your child that way and won’t put up with anyone trying that with your child. Even your child watching what is the equivalent of bullying his mother is unacceptable.
Your father inlaw likely grew up where either he was forced to finish his food or food was scarce. That is not excuse for bullying you or giving your child food issues, which this would over time. So, once you and your husband are on the same page try it one more time. Have a candid conversation with the server about portion size. In most restaurants these days they are insanely large. Second be upfront before ordering what your level of hunger is and you will be ordering accordingly. I recommend ordering off the kids menu. I do it all the time because I can’t begin to eat a full serving most places. Either that, or my husband and I share. No matter what, make it clear that what you eat is not up for discussion. Also, that if this continues to be an issue you won’t be able to leave your child with them ever. Because you won’t allow your child to be forced to over eat.
You are a wasteful person without consideration. I am on your in-laws side.
NTA. If you go out to eat insist on everyone ordering their own plate instead of a bunch of food to share. Your child should never be left alone with your in-laws when there’s a meal to be served. Forcing anyone to clean their plate is never ideal and often leads to eating disorders.
My maternal grandparents were like this and did survive the Great Depression. So there probably is a background there, although I still think your FIL is a dick. Because my grands were also abusive, I would react very badly to that behavior used on me.
If it was me, with my history, I’d still consider eating out again with them. BUT I would talk to my husband, explain why I feel the way I feel, and ask for his support. Going in with a game plan of suggesting he get a to go box and if he gets pushy ask hubs for back up. But if the same thing happens again I would be a lot more likely to refuse. I don’t expect the older generation to be interested in major self growth, but sometimes going in prepared for certain behaviors can help. If not, suggest family get together that exclude meals.
Overreaction. Majorly. Annoying, but guess what most peoples in-laws are annoying. Do you want to put your spouse in a shitty position over a mildly annoying interaction? YTA
NTA but in future could you still go out to eat and maybe next time the first time he says “are you going to finish it” clearly say no if no one else wants it though i will get a take out box and take it home for later?
Hmmm. Behaviours can become quite ingrained. For example grandparents who went through the war could never get over wasting food either. It can really mark itself upon your person. Or growing up without a constant water supply has made people hoard water
Please look at it from the eyes of someone who never had enough food and if you didn’t eat the food right then and there you could go hungry. Is that the background your in-laws grew up with? Not to excuse their behavior-possibly just understanding why they are so insistent
>Yesterday’s clean plate eater is today’s weight watcher.
Tell that to FIL next time he yells at someone for wasting food. There is absolutely no need to be forced to eat beyond your capacity. Good for you and your family for having such a healthy relationship with food. NTA
NTA, but it is a bit of an overreaction. It may have been annoying, but instead of not ever eating with them again, just tell him you’re not going to eat more food than you can stomach and he needs to not ever push you like that again from now on.
Edit to add: As I’m looking at others comments, I agree that you could end the whole thing by asking for a to-go box and he can’t say another word about it
NTA, for not being able to eat, your father in law likely came from a food insecure home. So I can understand his dislike and paranoia of wasting food. But he shouldn’t be singling you out to eat more.
You’d be TAH. Your husband doesn’t need to deal with that type of petty. Just pick your battles, be glad that’s all you have to deal with from them lol. FIL has a “thing” about food. He was likely hoping you’d eat it so he wouldn’t feel obligated. No clue what he has against to go boxes tho. Next time just box up whatever’s left of no one else wants it 🤷🏽♀️….
I certainly wouldn’t go to a buffet with them again. If you go to a regular restaurant, you can always get a doggy bag.
NTA I sometimes take more food than I can eat because I’m on medicine that makes it so if I eat past being full I get sick. I try not to take more than I can eat but when I am full I am full and have to stop.
NTA
I’ve noticed that the generation above, where your parents and in-laws are, exist in this time bubble where food had to be finished. And on top of that, they treat their fully adult children as if they’re still 12.
So your “mistake” was being too polite about. After the third time, that’s where you make direct eye contact, and say in a firm yet gentle voice, “please stop, I’m not hungry anymore and I have NO desire to eat what’s left. If you want it gone so badly, please ask the waiter for a to-go box.”
You’re at an age where you don’t have to wear the kid gloves around your in-laws as much anymore.
If there’s a next time, tell him: Isn’t it also a waste of food if a person eats more than their body needs or can stomach?
I’d say that’s a worse “waste” than throwing it in the trash where other parts of nature (microorganisms) are probably going to break it down.
YTA. I think this is a bit of an overreaction. Maybe next time just order your own individual plates? Idk I just feel like it’s not that big of a deal to jump to never eating out with them again when there’s more reasonable solutions. Do you not like them? Because that would make this make more sense.
I feel like you could have told him to finish it off and this would have been avoided. If he also refused toe at it then he can’t expect you to. Next time you eat out with them order a plate that’s not for sharing and if you can’t finish your meal order a to go box or offer it to the table.
Big deal. Some people never get to go out at all.
7 times? I can’t say what I would have done but it would have involved a fork. That’s absurdity. Over the top controlling.
Will my kid would never be going over there alone
I’m going with NAH but only because he wasn’t rude about offering the food and with some generations it’s considered respectful to offer the last bit of something to others before helping yourself. I understand it was probably super annoying, but it doesn’t seem like he was trying to be malicious.