AITAH…? My husband and I bought out very first home together and shortly after we moved in, his ex wife (who we’ve never had a healthy relationship with) calls him asking if she can go inside our house to see it when she swung by to pick up their kids (my stepkids), 21M, 18F. He didn’t think to ask me if I felt comfortable with that..I just see her on our camera waltzing into our new house. So I get upset but he makes it seem like I’m the bad guy because he keeps saying “it’s the kids house too” which it is but I work 40+ hrs, clean the home, cook for everyone, pack lunches, etc so I contribute enough to at least have a say who can come into our new house. The kids do not pay rent, 1 dropped out of HS and the other got kicked out of college. Keep in mind, when we lived at our previous place, the ex wife never even wanted to drive over there, let alone go inside. But now we have our new house & she wants to be nosey. I felt like it was an invasion of my space. Well fast forward and now the ex wife is bringing her mom (my husband’s ex mother in law) to come see our new house! And again…I get the “it’s the kids house too.” So now I’m giving my husband the silent treatment. AITAH?
I’m upset with my husband for letting his ex wife come see our new house
r/AITAH
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I get the impression that this is not about the ex wife being in the house. It’s about something more…..
Kinda, they’re looking not staying, just don’t get why you care
This is about far more than him letting her see the house.
NTA but that’s weird. Also, they’re not kids they’re adults and they need to start paying towards something or they can go live with her. Definitely odd that she wants to come into her ex’s new home and that she wants her mom to come in, but I definitely also think you’re holding out on something or you’re worried there’s something else going on.
NTA. The kids are adults and she has no business inside your home.
I was leaning towards NAH here since I could see why your husband didn’t think much of letting the children’s mother see the environment her kids would be staying in, but him allowing his ex’s MOTHER over is going WAY too far. There is no reason the ex should be coming in the house again, let alone bringing HER mother with her. And you’re right; you contribute to the house in a lot of ways and presumably helped buy it as well, so yes, you absolutely get a say in who comes into the house and who doesn’t.
The next time he says ‘it’s the kid’s house too’ I would say, yeah, and it’s MY house too, and guess what? I’m an adult and they’re not, and I get more of a say who comes into the house I helped purchase than they do. And honestly, it doesn’t sound like it’s the kids who want her here, it’s YOU. So you need to decide right now if you can actually put down some boundaries, or if this is something that’s going to negatively affect our marriage, because I’m not going to have someone I don’t trust in my home while I’m away just because you don’t think it’s a problem.
NTA.
I personally don’t see the big deal. It’s not like she’s staying over and hanging out.
YTA for giving him the silent treatment, you’re an adult, act like one and communicate
As for you being upset, I can get why it would feel weird but you chose to marry someone with kids and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for their mom to want to see where they are living
Simple solution. Get the adult leeches out of your house and then it won’t be their house anymore.
NTA. 1000%.
It’s your home and your husband keeps allowing someone who isn’t on good terms with either of you into it.
She’s purposefully stamping on you. So stamp back. Family meeting with u,fella and the kids around the table and u basically say you’re uncomfortable with her and whomever she deems worthy coming over, and it stops now. Nicer words than that as kids are there but thats the gist. U dont need to baby them, they are grown adults. If they don’t like it, well, they are grown adults with options available!!
U shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your home.
Ex brought her mum because she wants to see how long it takes you stamp your claim on your life/home considering she was allowed to enter the first time, she feels welcome to do so.
You have a husband problem if he doesn’t back you.
I might change my mind based on info, but for now, ESH. Why don’t you ask the bigger question? This is NOT about the ex-wife coming in the house. It’s about two freeloading adult step children for whom you “clean the home, cook for everyone, pack lunches.” INFO: How long have you been married? Is the HS dropout working or in GED classes? Is the one that got kicked out of college doing anything to contribute to the household in terms of work or money? The question you need to be asking is: “A I T A for wanting my step kids out of my house if they don’t start contributing, and A I T A for asking my husband to manage his ex and kids better so i don’t have to be the bad guy?”
It’s weird but not unusual. She probably thought it looked nice and wanted to see inside. She also asked in advance, which your husband obliged.
This is not I’m the AH type issue, this is a simple discussion about boundaries and simply considering you and your feelings before committing to things with his ex.
The ex-wife’s mother should NOT come in. Neither should the ex-wife have been given a tour. Would she want you getting a tour of her place? And her mom’s place? I wouldn’t like that either.
Maybe tell the husband you’d like to meet with a counselor with him to figure out a solution for the rules for the home and mediate something. Then have a second meeting so there are rules for how his children will contribute to the household. But bring that up after the first meeting.
YTA – It’s her children’s home too, and her mother is their grandmother. If anyone should be allowed, it is their grandparents.
My ex asked to see the remodel of my house… I got the house in the divorce. We don’t have kids… and Im remarried. Our relationship is done. After 20 yrs together we parted as old friends… this is just drama. I’m happy my husband isn’t as insecure as you are.
No that’s weird, I’d understand if the kids were still actually kids because yh as the mom she should see where her under 18 children will be spending their time. But they’re grown and you don’t get along with her so she has no rights to come in. If you have speakers on your cameras watch out for them on the day she brings the ex mil and as soon as they arrive tell them they’re not welcome and thanks to them you and your husband will be having an argument when you get home and that their nosey cows lol if there’s an alarm on the cameras as well blast that for a sec first to really get their attention. Might shit them up and you get a funny video to post on YouTube lol.
OP – silent treatment is not for this situation. There are people you have a bad history with entering your home, invading your private space without your permission. Boundaries really should already have been in place – is the lack thereof perhaps why you had issues in the past?
Kids are grown – that’s not an acceptable excuse to have his ex AND her Mom inside your house.
Leave the “kids” out of it, step into & find your wife voice and make it very clear to hubby what is and is not acceptable. You need to feel safe & comfortable in your own home. Period.
Are they planning on kicking you out and taking it? Do you have survivorship and your name on it? Are you on the deed or just the loan? Because this is weird and the adult children should be handling cleaning and their own lunches at this point. Do you have a will leaving your estate to other than husband and step kids?
He doesn’t value anything about you. You’re there to make his, his kids’ who aren’t kids, his ex’s and her mother’s lives easier. You’re the help.
YTA. Its his house too, he doesn’t need your permision to show the house to his friends or family, or ex wife. Its not like she is going to be there for hours and that could affect you.
You pack his adult kids lunches? Good on you! That’s generous. I think you’re overreacting a bit though on this one. She’s just checking out the house. Not staying for long I’d imagine?
NTA for being upset, but it sounds like this is a pattern of him making you the “bad guy”?
Why are you giving him the silent treatment? That sounds like a really immature way to handle things. Also, why are adult children not packing their own lunches and contributing around said house? They are not minors. The mom doesn’t need to see inside your house. This all hints at a larger problem…
Updateme
YTA. For allowing your husband to COMPLETELY disrespect you!!! Woman, he’s literally spitting in your face, so punch him in the eye (metaphorically please) Youre not COMMUNICATING your feelings in a healthy way. For an example, if he’s a car guy; it’s like he got his dream car, and you let your ex drive your husbands car without asking. There wouldn’t be a QUESTION of him being pissed, he’d be absolutely furious! By him allowing his ex in YOUR house, it’s like he’s letting her go through your underwear drawer! A disrespectful husband, and two kids refusing to launch, what exactly are you getting out of this marriage?! Good luck anyway, and you should probably show him your post, I imagine most comments are completely DESTROYING him
NO.
Those kids are failing at life already. You don’t need to encourage more ridiculousness. His ex and her mother do not belong in your home. You contribute. His children do not.
Those kids need to get on a path or they can go live with their mother.
Silent treatment is an immature way to deal with marital problems. ESH
NTA – if they arent in school, then the “child rules” are over. That woman has no business traipsing around, and her mother even less.
I mean, I guess it depends on your relationship with her. If things have not been good it’s weird she wants to see it. If things were friendly I don’t think hey let me see your new house is weird. Not everything needs to be hostile. But it doesn’t sound like this is the case. But I really wouldn’t get too fired up about it. Half of Reddit will probably diagnose her as a narcissist and tell you to get a divorce though. Lol.
NTA but silent treatment won’t do crap I’d be telling him since this clearly isnot my house and you think I have no rights here then I am no longer willing to contribute financially or physically. So all cleaning cooking and anything for him or his kids is now on him. That in a few months if he hasn’t realised all you do and that this is supposedly your home to and genuinely apologises. Then maybe you will contribute again but you will no longer be taken advantage of and disrespected. Otherwise he can live in it with his ex and her mum and you will file for divorce.
That next time he lets her or her family into your home against your will you will be leaving and he will not get another chance.
I’m sorry. Something is really off.
You’re being used by everyone, everybody, including your husband.
If you’re working 40+ hours, cleaning the home, cooking for everyone, packing lunches etc… then what is he doing while you’re doing the housework?
Are the adult kids even studying for the GED, looking for a job or going back to college?
You’re doing too much.
The ex-wife is plotting. What is she plotting? I don’t know. I don’t trust your husband either because of how he uses you.
I hope your name is on the title of the house. I also wonder if the ex-wife thinks that the house is going to be inherited by her kids and then she’ll be able to live in it with them. I don’t know exactly.
Something super strange is going on and you should get to the bottom of it.
The kids are grown. Even if they weren’t still not ok. Ntah
YTA – Who TF cares if his ex-wife and MIL walk through the house?
This forum is rapidly teaching me that no family at all is better than broken home drama. It feels like every post involves failed marriages, infidelity, and kids reacting to it.
NTA but his ex touring the house is the least of your worries. Time for the adult children to start adulting and that means contributing to the household in some meaningful way if they cannot afford to pay rent. Also, what happens to your home if something happens to your spouse? Is he giving his half of the house to his kids? If you are buying this together then you should have right of survivorship. This is your forever home, it should only be the kids temporary residence. From what you shared your husband does not respect you or your boundaries. You are also being too generous with your time helping his adult kids.
Sorry, it’s not the kids house, it’s yours and husband’s house, the grown children just happen to live there.
You tell him to stop the BS, there is no effing reason for his ex wife or her mother to “tour” YOUR home!
If he can’t figure that out on his own, maybe you should have a get together with ALL OF YOUR EX’s to shown them the house, the garage, the bedroom “where the magic happens” , and anything else that trips your trigger!
What a dumbass, I am really pissed off on your behalf.
Good luck.
Nta.
The kids are adults. If it’s their home to then, they can pay rent and utilities to have any right to say who can come in YOUR home.
This would be a deal breaker to me. And I mean an honest to gawds divorce and make him buy me out or sell the property deal breaker. I will not stay with a man who puts his ex-wife’s wants before my needs in my own home. That’s not love. That’s him being happy nit having to do all the work. Him not have to pay for everything. He has a sex partner who he doesn’t have to respect or treat as an equal. Harsh but true.
NTA. He and his kids can pay the mortgage and have the family gathering of their dreams.
Yeah I’d tell him if he let’s her in the house again you will be selling it and ending the relationship.
It’s not the kids house it’s your and his.
WTF does her mum need to come and see it??
NTA.
I could understand if kids are young, their mum might want to confirm they have their own rooms etc, but the steps are way too old for that nonsense. It’s just being nosey and your husband should definitely have discussed it with you and should be saying no to the ex MIL also visiting.
Are they trying to see if he now “has money” she can try to get some of or something??
NTA. It sounds like the ex wife is staking out her bew home.
NTA.
Stop with the silent treatment for long enough to tell him that if he lets his EX MIL into YOUR home he will be leaving with her.
I can understand why the ex wife wanted to see it. It’s the first house you have bought, not a rental, and her curiosity was probably off the scale because of things their adult children have said about it.
There is absolutely NO REASON for her mother to come into your home.
YTAH!!
He doesn’t need to ask you for permission to show someone the house for a couple minutes. It is a good idea to be civil with the ex wife because of the children.
I like how you said that “we’ve never had a healthy relationship with” well obviously he didn’t because they divorced. But I think it’s interesting how you included yourself as not having a healthy relationship with her too.
What are you expecting from her? Be your best friend? Bring you homemade cookies??
A relationship between you and her is not in the cards. She is the ex and you are the current wife. Of course you two are not going to be friends. Out of curiosity, what efforts did you make to have a relationship with her? Complain about her children??
Complain about her looking in the house? Complain about her not going to your last home? Which is funny because you don’t seem to like her and are mad because she came into the house. Make up your mind here. It seems to me that you just don’t like her no matter what. And that’s okay. But the problem is with yourself, not your husband or his ex wife or the children.
You need to understand that you married a man who was divorced and had children from the marriage. You could have chosen not to date him. But you chose to date him. That’s on you. Either you can leave and not have to worry about her anymore. Or you can just accept your decision and most importantly, mind your own damn business!!!
Stay out of this, and you might discover that you are happier than you are now.
Good luck
Nta and tell him he can leave with his ex and her mum
Tell your husband that’s no she’s not bringing them to my home. No it’s not the kids home too they are adults I can and will kick them the fuck out if you don’t respect my boundaries.
I’m a stepparent. They were already divorced when I turned up. I wanted my husband’s ex to come inside and see where her children would be. I wanted her to know that her children were safe and that I love them and take care of them. I also wanted to establish an open rapport. It worked. We weren’t even married yet but were living together. I knew there might be jealousy, resentment or whatever. I kept my heart pure. It was important for the kids to see her and I in a mutual space getting along. I would want to know where my children are and what their situation is. I would want to know who my child will be around.
NTA call one of your exes to come to a house tour at the same time
It is the kids house too. It’s not the ex’s house
I think you’re being weird for 1) being upset about something so trivial and 2) giving your husband “the silent treatment” over this.
Why are his kids living there rent free? They aren’t “kids” they are adults and unless he is paying extra to cover them they should be paying rent.
Yea. He needs to put his foot down. The kids are adults. No need for the ex and her family to check it out.
NTA. And why are you the only one cleaning and packing lunches for 3 other adults. You are being taken advantage of.
This is very weird, is she hoping to get more money from him or what? Sorry first thing that came to mind. I don’t understand why the grandma would need to see the house.
The kids are grown ass adults. They can describe it to their mum, or she can look it up on a realtor site.
Tell him it’s a one and done. She’s now seen it , and their adult children can walk their own selves safely out to her car
And by all this I mean communication
Seriously, if they aren’t your kids you aren’t tied to them. They’re his problem and he can do what he wants with that. I’d be packing my stuff up and getting out fast, just for my sanity alone. No good person does this kind of shit to someone that they care about.
He sounds like he’s getting back with now that he has a place to live.
Lawyer up. Separate bank accounts and start figuring out how much you have invested in the house. Also make sure you save that camera footage.
YTA to yourself for supporting his deadbeat kids. He is using you. You are an atm bang maid.
ESH. It’s never okay to give someone silent treatment. It’s emotionally immature, manipulative and toxic as hell. Learn some healthy adult communication and coping skills. Why are you packing lunches for 3 adults? And definitely not doing the adult kid’s laundry or cleaning after them. Hell no. These are life skills they actually need and it needs to be a little bit more uncomfortable for them there than it currently sounds – especially the 21 yr old. And yes, it is the kid’s new home, so it shouldn’t be a big deal for their mom get a tour if they all have a decent relationship with her. Your opinion matters but it’s not the only one. Her mother coming is definitely pushing some boundaries- it’s not her house to display.
She’s checking it out for when she moves in. The “children” are adults, tell her and the ex MIL to f off.
Sounds like your husband wants to show off. If you were friendly thats one thing, but you’ve told him how you feel and he hosts another show n tell?! You’re not the AH.
Yta
Silent treatment?
Grow up.
Why is she acting like this is a custody thing? The “kids” are literal adults.
Also, why are you solely handling food prep and cleaning? Everyone in that house (husband included) are old enough to do their part. If hubby wants to pull the “it’s their house too” card, he and they need to step up
NTA. Is this really the life you wanted?
As a divorced parent I think of every interaction that irritates me with the mindset, “is this with a fight, or could this help keep the peace”. I usually always push for peace because nobody wins a fight.
These kids are old and probably only years from being out of the house. Only need to keep the peace a few more years and your family will have absolutely no reason to have interactions.
I’m not sure this is something you wanna go to war over. The kids being adults and not handling their own transportation needs, That’s definitely a thing to be pissed about. There’s no reason for them to have to be dropped off at this age.
NTA But I need to point out it’s not the kids home, they are adults and don’t pay rent, the house belongs to you and your husband.
Your husband should have asked you first if you were ok with letting her in to tour the place but in reality it’s not a big deal and he figured it was cool to show off what you bought together which is actually a dig at her expense.
I agree that a conversation about what’s really bothering you would be helpful. I see no value in holding onto anger and resentment for vague reasons. I think you’ll be much happier if you let it go. What harm comes to you from her (or even her mother) walking around your house? Lots of people come into a home – painters, plumbers, etc and cause no resentment or feelings of violation. I was divorced when my children were small and I determined to have a cordial relationship with my ex and the AP – later wife. I despised her for many years, but I wanted my children to have a happy childhood with as much involvement with their father as possible. I later realized she had done me a favor by taking that POS off my hands. My children grew up with me only saying cordial things about their father and while they now dislike their stepmother – that is all based on her actions and not anything I said or did. Make a plan to be happy and ignore extraneous stuff.
Why are packing lunches for grown adults?
No. It’s hot as heck
NTA, the kids are welcome, his fuck-buddy, oops I mean ex, isn’t. It’s weird that he would disagree.
“It’s the kids house too” is utter garbage. They live there but do not have a stake in it at all. Your husband is ignoring your boundaries and is quite clearly being a major AH here. Maybe the ex wants you out of the picture so that this new house can be hers. Never underestimate people as actions like hers usually have ulterior motives.
NTA and I see where you’re coming from, but I also think you’re being a little odd about this. She’s his ex-wife and they’re forever connected through their children. She has the right to see where they live, and I don’t think one visit means she’s nosy.
Silent treatment is abusive, and YTA for that. You can’t solve anything if you’re not willing to communicate.
The “kids” are grown ass adults. Your husband and their mom should be having zero contact except for major life events of their kids, like college graduation or a marriage or some such event.
18 21 aren’t kids they’re adults how long will they live with you? Forever
“it’s the kids house too”
Seriously? This was something you agreed to when the house was bought? How much did the kids contribute? Who is on the mortgage. This only works if you are NOT on the mortgage in which case, run!
Updateme
Jealousy is such a waste of emotion. Don’t date men with children if you don’t expect the ex to be around at times.
> So now I’m giving my husband the silent treatment.
Grow the fuck up.
TALK to him. You know, like the adult you supposedly are.
ESH
Sounds like it’s just your husbands house
NTA. Your husband does not respect boundaries.
Oh hell no. Those so called kids are adults. No. She not her relatives come in the house.
YTA for giving him the silent treatment. What is that solving? I get that it’s strange that she’s coming back with her mother. This isn’t a hill that I’d die on but you have a right to not want them at your house. Just because I don’t think it’s a big deal doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel the way you do. But no good is coming from not talking to your husband.
Maybe there is more behind your feelings here. The first step would be to have a calm conversation with your husband. Also, maybe consider what you are actually upset about. Your language – she came “waltzing” into my house says to me there is more to this than the fact that she wanted to see the house.
Why are you packing anyone’s lunch? Everyone you love with is a full grown adult
I had no idea his kids and the ex wife are the same people 😳😳😳😳
Also they clearly want to compare the home she had when they were still together vs the home he bought with you 🥴
Cleanse your house. I know it sounds silly, but people with bad intentions can manifest horrible things towards you. Buy some sage & go through the house.