This is a long one, so bear with me. I (34f) am currently refusing to spend any time with my Brother in Law and his family. Some background, I have been with my husband (37m) for 16 years. In that time, by my BIL and his wife, I have been called a ct, a posh tw*t, a two faced bch, been told they won’t feed “any of that shit [I’ve] made” to their children, when i made them cupcakes, been uninvited from their wedding because I didn’t RSVP ‘properly’, been told, at 7 months pregnant, that I will be a terrible parent etc.
They have also point blank, refused to have their children call me aunt, which I find hurtful and they know this.
My husband recently got into an argument with them, in which they called us manipulative vermin, said we just use our sons needs (ASD) as an excuse all the time, and also that the reason they have refused to get their kids to call me aunt, is because they have ‘had no respect for me’ since they met me.
I have said that I will no longer see these people, until I have an apology. My husband’s father has told me I won’t get one, the best I might get is them admitting they were hurtful, and that’s it. My husband was on my side until he realised I also would not be going to whole family gatherings (I am still happy for him to go alone however) and now he is telling me I need to stop holding a grudge, and just put up with it.
So, AITA for refusing to see my BIL and family until I get an apology?
AITA for refusing to see my in-laws?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA. But, hon, you don’t just have an in-laws problem, you have a husband problem. They’ve called him names, too, but he wants you to just “put up with it?”
NTA. They’ve disrespected you for years, and refusing to see them without an apology is setting a healthy boundary, not holding a grudge.
nta girl they been mad disrespectful for years you owe them nothing
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a spine. Your in laws are complete jerks for being so blatantly disrespectful and your husband should consider himself lucky the relationship hasn’t ended much earlier on because of the BS you had to put up with. You need to talk to your husband about this and put your foot down. Tell him:
”I won’t put up with the disrespect any longer. I won’t keep you from your family but until they apologize and at least attempt to be fair, I won’t let them anywhere near me or [son]. I don’t deserve to be disrespected and treated like some kind of burden to them. I’m putting my foot down and if you don’t like it that’s your problem. Not mine.”
If that doesn’t work and your husband refuses to listen then, in my opinion only, you should start considering divorce. If your husband can’t or won’t stand up for you, he shouldn’t have asked you to marry him.
Just smile and decline all events. It’s just not on the cards right now…maybe next time…never!!
They have treated you so poorly. I’m sorry.
Your core family is you and your kids and hubby if he so wishes… he sounds like a beotch.
Chin up mouth closed. Nothing needs to be said any longer. I know it’s hard but be bigger than those jerks.
NTA
Your husband needs to decide who he cares about – if he doesn’t pick you, it is huge. His brother and sister in law are not acceptable in their treatment of you and he allowed it.
NTA. I wouldnt surround myself with that toxic shit either. Your husband needs to grow a pair and defend his wife. “We will not be attending family functions with others present that have blatantly and maliciously bashed my wife.”
so …. Is divorce out of the question ?
Your husband’s actions are horrible- nit supportive at all. Updateme
NTA. Time to host and NOT invite them, just the parents and any normal siblings and relatives. Spend the time laughing about crap they’ve said and done to all of you. It’ll be a great, productive few hours and without that little pair of shitheads and their kids, it’s going to be a PLEASANT, low-stress, fun few hours. Keep doing this, the goal is to get the jerks frozen out of future gatherings so that the rest of you can enjoy. Lead by example.
NTA
Nta
Good grief.
You lasted longer than I would have.
I think you should not even accept an apology. So your Husband wants you to just put up with it. OMG How are you putting up with any of this?
Have you thought about therapy? I feel you may need some help to deal with this. I wish you all the best and I’m sorry you are going through this. NTA
Updateme
I would never accept an apology from them. I would never see them again.
Absolutely go no contact with his whole family. It’s bad enough that you accepted being treated that way, but you have also been allowing them to treat your kids that way. They see the difference in treatment even from a young age. ALL of them, including your husband. That’s on you. Period. If you can’t stick up for yourself at least stick up for your kids and stay away from them completely. If your husband doesn’t like it tell him it’s obvious his brother was the golden child and he was the scapegoat – he can choose to allow that treatment of himself but he does not get to tell you to accept it. Also, tell him to grow a damn spine and stick up for his actual family. NTA.
Don’t even start seeing them if you do get an appology. It won’t be sincere.
If you want to spend time with his family, invite who you want to YOUR house.
Meet MiL and FiL for lunch, or dinner.
Unfortunately, in this situation, they “Won”.
They have successfully excluded you from the family functions-
but that is ok. Roll with the punches, and change the game.
It sucks that your husband doesn’t have your back. But the problem is HIS to fix, his family, his problem.
Go to Amazon and order him a Spine
NTA. To be honest, I wouldn’t change my mind even if they apologised. Life is too short to subject yourself to shit like that.
If your husband cannot respect that, then let him divorce you. Hint; no-one that spineless s going to initiate a divorce…
That your husband would attend their gatherings is shocking to me and telling you to “just put up with it”. That is not called being “on your side”. Did your in laws teach the BIL told be rude and disrespectful?
” now he is telling me I need to stop holding a grudge”
No, actually you don’t. They have been and continue to be rude and insulting. You husband may be willing to put up with it, but you are an adult. You can absolutely refuse to attend any event they are at and refuse to invite them to yours.
NTA
NTA so your husband is basically telling you to allow them to abuse you. Do you realise that him as your husband thinking this is ok and trying to force this on you is him actively choosing to abuse you himself. That as long as he is happy he doesn’t care if you face a life time of abuse. He’ll no in this one I’d be telling your husband youve put up with enough abuse from them and now him. That if he doesn’t support you in this and accept you will never have anything to do with the people who have abused you for years. Even if they say sorry then it’s clear this marriage is toxic and he has no respect or care for you. If that is the case and he doesn’t support you in cutting them out them it’s time you look at divorce and then he will have to go to his family events on his own regardless. Also that way you will suddenly have every second week free whilst he parents his son alone on his custody time.
So what is it his abusive brother or staying married to his own wife and child as you will no longer put up with HIS toxic crap and that a loving husband would have shut down his brother or cut them off himself q6 years ago. That he is the reason you e been abused all these years as he enabled it. Now he steps up and does better or he can grow old with his brother treating him like crap all on his own.
Not the a hole, but for whole family gatherings, you might need to put aside the anger and hurt.
NTA
I don’t go where I’m not wanted.
And I don’t want to be with assholes.
It’s a great system
Why is your husband in a hurry to hang out with his awful, awful family?
NTA, you are not holding a grudge. You have set boundaries. Tell your husband he can get on board, or the train will leave without him. His whole family sounds toxic.
Why the hell is your husband such a pushover? He needs to be defending you, not getting upset you won’t go to family events. Either he needs to tell them where to stuff it or you should consider separation
NTA: it’s really quite sad that your husband is not supporting you more staunchly. Ask him why you should go somewhere where you’re not treated civilly and more to the point, you don’t want to be with his family members if he’s going to be mamby pamby about defending your honor
Updateme
NTA and divorce. I’d be damned if I stay with a man who’s family disrespects me like than and I get told to “just put up with it”. Fuck him and his family. Find someone else who will support you and not let anyone disrespect you.
NTA but stay strong
FU** THAT! Dont put up with this Hate and Vile abuse from anyone, especially your husband!! Ppl treat you the way you let them. Stay Away from these abusive toxic Assholes! You deserve so much better.
Q w
NTA
Your husband needs to grow a pair, he shouldn’t even be talking to them with that kind of behaviour.
Updatemebot
NTA, but your husband sure is for telling you you just have to put up with it. No, you do not! Your ILs all sound super toxic. If your husband can’t deal with it, then he should go live with them. The fact that he’s allowed them to treat you this way is disgusting. Stop being a doormat.
Outrageous behavior for OP to endure. Husband either stands up for OP and stops the BIL/SIL attacks cold, or OP finds a way out. He’s either 100% in your corner or feeding you to the lions. The IL are mean and cruel. This is intolerable. updateme
NTA. Why are you still in touch with these terrible people? Your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up for you. He may want you at family gatherings to be a meat shield. That said, you won’t get a true apology from your in-laws.