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Honestly I think those people view every relationship as transactional, even their platonic ones. People who can’t just be friends with the opposite sex tend to be poor friends to their same sex friends too, in my experience.
We’re literally programmed to seek mate because of biology. So unless you don’t find other attractive and they don’t find you attractive either because of something like age difference, look difference, core value difference, social status difference,… then platonic friendship is simply bs.
A lot of people don’t view their opposite gender as whole people worth getting to know outside of their chances of getting sexual gratification, whether they realize it or not.
My question to people who think this way is always: well, I’m bisexual, so does that mean I shouldn’t have any friends?
A lot of men see their friendship with women as one that could possibly lead to intimacy and predicate their friendship on that possibility, so even internally they don’t believe they could be platonic friends because the relationships they carry are not emotionally platonic.
I also have platonic female friends. These people dont know how to have relationships with women that goes beyond sex. So they project and act like this is a universal truth when it is not.
Familiarity tends to breed comfort. Often, it’s through shared experiences where people unintentionally develop feelings, especially as they age. There is a societal push to emphasize romantic partnerships above friendships, which plays a part.
The other aspect is that often men don’t get emotional support in their friendships. So vulnerability, support, and quality time become a need that they receive through romance. Men then use friendship as a stepping stone to a relationship as a hidden social contract.
There will be people who will not fit this assumption. However, they tend to be rare, making it harder for people to believe two people of the opposite gender or same sexuality can be platonic.
The men I notice who tend not to use friendship with women as a passive-aggressive way to get dates. Tend to be assertive, self-aware, confident, and have multiple emotionally supportive relationships.
They can be friends- for sure- HOWEVER- 😂 when you are in a relationship with someone else while trying to maintain that other platonic relationship…some think it’s not a good look
AND- MANY times platonic relationships grow into something more- it’s a well-known documented fact
AND- many times the relationship starts TOTALLY platonic- but over time attraction develops and builds- it’s happened to everyone, whether you spend a lot of time with someone or just noticing a stranger many times over a course of time.
AND- if you get people to actually talk truth- many times one of the people in the “platonic” relationship would get romantic immediately, but refrain out of fear…
Idk why this is either. I’m a lesbian and have always enjoyed having male friends. They’re more likely to share my interests and hobbies, and I enjoy the funny banter of the guys I’ve met w/o having to worry about hurting their feelings. Again, not to generalize everyone, exceptions etc etc.
But I’ve moved recently and my friend pool consists mainly of straight women, who are great people, awesome friends, but they hold this idea that men and women can’t be platonic friends, and that the guys I’ve befriended are crushing on me, or hoping I’ll give them a chance despite my sexual orientation etc. It’s starting to give me anxiety about hanging around guys, or inviting them over for video games.
Men don’t get all that much affection, and female relationships are USUALLY pretty affectionate. Then when the man and woman become friends, the man is so sidelined by this affection that he falls. At least, that’s been my experience
I have a different take on this. Please bear with me.
I believe that men that can be friends with women, are the men that are really superficial. They want the hottest girl of their dreams. If you are not that, they don’t want you physically, and thus they can be friends with you. That is why these men always say, I am not attracted to all of my female friends, of course not, not all of your female friends are Instagram models.
Normal men, on the other hand, become close to most of the surrounding women, because, these women are persons. They feel a connection or attraction that is deeper than just her looks. It is hard for them to keep the relationship as just friends.
Please don’t downvote me or upvote me, instead comment on why you agree or disagree.
Because they’re ignorant, small minded, not great at socializing and often only see their own self interests as human and natural while anything opposing or different is not worthy of dignity or acknowledgment.
Because they don’t understand the difference between finding someone attractive versus emotionally investing in that attraction and having it drive their behavior, and so they define platonic friendship as a only possible with a complete lack of attraction – they have no way to accept the presence of any attraction without it causing a problem.
I’d be the same as you, my friend groups are roughly 50:50 male and female. I don’t know, some guys just can’t seem to separate women from potential sexual exploits, maybe it’s a symptom of hook up culture which I’m not really into.
I think some of it comes down to how men are conditioned to view women socially. A lot of guys are brought up with this notion that their main goal when socializing with women is to secure a romantic relationship. Puberty kicks in when adolescence starts and guys start to view women with those intentions – the hormonal drive to secure a partner. For heterosexual men, women have features that they desire in a partner – beauty, compassion, gentleness, etc. When they begin socializing with women post-puberty, they view these things as desires in a way that couple to their sexual desires – in a way that goes beyond what they want from a platonic friend.
When guys are socialized to form friendships, usually with other boys/guys, they do so by forming bonds through mutual interests, working towards a shared goal (building something, playing video games together, etc), and forming a sense of loyalty. Male-male friendships traditionally do not include a deeply shared sense of empathy or compassion. Guys know that their male friends care about them and want them to do well, but they don’t typically like to directly communicate it or bond through physical affection. Women are socialized to view friendships as much more intimate and emotionally engaging than male friendships typically are. Therefore when a guy goes to form a friendship with a woman – those notions of empathy, kindness, and warmth may trigger more romantic feelings than friendly feelings, because they’ve been taught that those qualities are highly desirable for a romantic partner and can trigger those sexual undertones.
I think male-female friendships work best when the man and woman both recognize and reinforce the idea that romantic interest is tampered for the grounds of the platonic friendship. I think it also helps if both parties are already in committed relationships and recognize that their romantic needs are already fulfilled.
I think a lot of guys form friendships with women in hopes that it will blossom into a romantic relationship. And when that doesn’t work, they figure the friendship was for nothing. This has more to do with the guys in question seeing the friendship as a means to an end, rather than an experience of its own. Unfortunately I think our media and culture continue to push this idea that "the best relationships start out as friendships", and it leads to a lot of guys building unrealistic expectations and viewing all friendships with women as internships for a future relationship.
Another thing I’d like to add is that people assume things. If a man and a woman, both straight, hang out a lot, then friends gossip and assume they’re doing stuff
The real reason is because it’s true for a lot of men. There are tons of men that are too immature to see women as anything other than sexual or romantic partners. So lots of men say it because it’s true for themselves so they assume it’s also true for other men, and lots of women say it because they’ve had too many experiences dealing with these immature men.
In my experience most women are capable of being friends with men but most men aren’t capable being friends with women. 90% of the time they’ll eventually ask you out or they just lie in wait until the woman breaks up with her boyfriend. If you reject them, friendship is over. This happened to me a few years ago. Joined a gaming discord and made friends with an asexual guy (as in, he was openly asexual – I didn’t just guess this). I quickly learned the hard way that asexual doesn’t mean aromantic. After 6 or 7 months of gaming almost every day and tons of fun, he professed his love for me. I was completely blindsided and unfortunately I didn’t feel the same way back. He stopped talking to me. That was in 2019 and we never spoke again. I still miss him occasionally and hope he is doing ok out there.
There’s some cool men that I’d like to be friends with but I’m definitely more put off by the thought of being friends with a man because I’ll always have that thought in the back of my mind of “Is he actually my friend or does he just want to bang me? Will the friendship immediately end if I reject him?”
Most of my friends are women, I’m a man. The women I’m friends with are also either not my type (and I’m not theirs) or they have partners and said partners are also present most of the time when we spend time together.
It is difficult to maintain platonic friendships with women you are attracted to and have good chemistry with whom you also spend a lot of time with alone in intimate settings as that’s a recipe for catching feelings.
I think a lot of us have experienced being cheated on with the “he’s just a friend” character and so many of us now have firmer boundaries on what sort of friendships we find acceptable with our romantic partners.
Women and men can be friends, but I think the honest truth is most men are horny bastards and will jump at the first chance they get to sleep with a woman.
I think these men just didn’t grow up having attractive women as close friends. This was my entire adolescence so for me it’s just the norm; I don’t even think twice about it until some other dude on the internet brings it up as unusual/"unsustainable"
I get sexual tension and complication in relations tween the sexes but I’ve never had the problem because 1 I don’t want to eff every woman I meet and even if I might I get that it’s a 2 way street and I can forget it if she’s not interested. I don’t see why that’s hard
Somewhat sidetracking here but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who I wasn’t friends with first. So, if that is the case at a baseline level then personally I don’t see how men and women can’t be friends. Anything less than that is a recipe for disaster. No mutual interests, hobbies or values.
Another straight guy whose friends are mostly women – I’ve been told the same. I think it’s largely because people often have flat and simplistic views on this, and then get scared to make friendships. It becomes a self reinforcing narrative too.
also a small group of people get jealous or nervous and freak out if their SO has different gendered friends. (Yes this is all heteronormative…)
I’ve had lots of platonic friendships with women. And frankly, I generally had romantic feelings of greater or lesser intensity for almost all of them. That didn’t mean I had to act on them, but it was something going on in the back of my mind. If that sort of thing bothers you, you might think that those weren’t proper friendships.
In high school I had a mad crush on a guy & asked him to the homecoming dance. In the car on the way to the dance he said that scary statement "I like you a lot but only as friends". Fortunately, I was able to get over my broken heart because he truly became an AMAZING guy friend. We were together all the time having the best times.
You can. Only requires one individual to not catch feelings or get romantic. As long as one is strictly there for a platonic friendship nothing out of the ordinary will occur.
Because they’re mentally wavering. The type of people are typical sex-starved gorillas who probably have no respect for themselves or for their partners.
I’ve never met a single person over the age of 12 with this opinion who wasn’t a different partner every week, kids in the Facebook bio but not in their custody kinda person. Some people can’t fathom a non-familial relationship outside of sex.
Misconceptions I think and maybe not having any healthy examples in their own lives.
I’m a man and several of my best friends are women. No, I’ve never been attracted to them (not that they aren’t conventionally attractive). I do love them but as if they were my sisters. I never needed or wanted more from our relationships besides that.
Most likely because THEY can’t be platonic friends or they have never witnessed a platonic friendship that didn’t turn into a romantic or sexual relationship.
My husband says this but it’s because sex is the primary reason to have a relationship for him. He’s just telling on himself, but at least I know he’s lying if claims a woman is his friend
i’m assuming we are talking about TRUE actual friendship, not the casual way people throw "friend" around where everyone you hang out with is a friend…
in that case,yes… men and women can’t be TRUE (this is my best friend) friends… the only way it works is that at least ONE of the people is attracted to the other… now, if it isn’t you, then it’s THEM… but it’s definitely someone…
notice i’m specifically saying "a physical attraction"… that is all i’m saying…. not love, not desperate desire to have sex with them but actual physical NON-PLATONIC attraction to some degree
This is mostly said by people who legitimately are sexist and see no utility in the opposite sex beyond dating. They also usually make trash partners because who wants to date someone who says they love you but can never actually like you.
From what I’ve seen in this discourse, they’re either misogynists who wouldn’t want to be friends with a woman, or they’re desperate and would want to pursue a relationship with any woman they got close to, even if she was not actually a compatible romantic partner. Sometimes both.
Because some men can’t be platonic friends with women. They don’t see women as human beings but as things they could have sex with. If that’s the way they think, they are right.
I’m a straight guy, most of my best friends have been women. My wife is number one+++ and I love sex, but I know the difference between sex and friendship. Some men don’t.
If I didn’t have female friends, I wouldn’t have friends. I’m married, my wife and I double date with some of my friends and their SO’s. I also see some of my friends 1 on 1. Without a hint of sexual tension. I enjoy my friendship with all my friends, they just happen to be women.
I’m a gay man with plenty of female friends. I also have plenty of queer male friends. It’s because they don’t see women as anything other than Potential Mates and not people.
Most of the people I’ve seen say this are men. Sadly I think it’s because they just can’t imagine valuing a relationship with a woman unless they want to sleep with her.
I noticed that some say that men can’t be platonic friends with women because they probably see anyone from the other gender as potential partners. But not all guys have the same view of ladies, meaning it is possible for some of them to actually be friends without a hint of romance. It’s really up to each person.
The people who say and think this (usually men) are the same people who think (and sometimes say) "I would bang my sister if she wasn’t my sister". It’s a confession, really. They view women as sentient sex toys instead of real human beings.
I don’t see my friends sexually and I think my female friends can feel that so they seem pretty comfortable hanging out with my one on one or coming over to hang out or inviting me over to their place. I am not asexual. I am attracted to women. But there’s like a lock in my head toggled for friends… I just don’t see them that way. But listening to the stories of other people’s lives, I think I might be a bit of an outlier.
They say it because they’ve not socially/emotionally developed to the point of understanding the ways in which they’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy.
Because people are ignorant or have been hurt by situations they thought they could transition into a romantic relationship. Or they’re just incapable of setting boundaries as an adult. It’s perfectly possible and quite normal just not for people who aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to handle it
My guess is because a lot of people have little to no control over their desires. Unless she’s butt ugly, he’s gay, or he’s known her long enough/are close enough to view her as a sister, there will always be some level of sexual attraction/desire from him; consiouclsy or subconsiously. I have platonic female friends that I wouldn’t touch in that way, but I still look from time to time. How can I not? They’re beautiful. But some people can’t just look and be content. They not disciplined enough to temper their sexual desires, or any desires, so they say these things to remove temptation I guess.
You should ask all the men that put me in the fuck zone. The only male I have been successful at remaining friends with is gay. I refuse to be friends with straight men anymore because of it.
I think they can for the record, but as an anecdote I haven’t seen mentioned, I wanted to add that strangers frequently will treat you as a couple and it can make things weird/plant the idea of romance. I have a close male friend and am a lesbian, when we hang out one-on-one we frequently get people implying we’re dating. Sometimes they try to be respectful and ask ‘what are you guys’ before assuming, but I never get that question with same-gender friends, so it’s obvious what they think. People get really sly and don’t believe you when you insist you’re just friends too, sometimes. Sucks and I wish people wouldn’t assume.
Because they’re often the actual people who can’t. I have never had a problem with it or maybe I need to reinforce boundaries where it’s come up OR I leave the friendship behind myself.
Because they don’t respect women as full fledged people. Every single one of them is a possible lay. And if they aren’t attracted to her they’ll just ignore her completely because they see no value in women who they dont wanna fuck.
I’m in the same situation. And sadly, I even lost a friend last year — pretty sure it was because she decided we couldn’t be platonic friends (i.e. she thought I wanted more than that, which I most definitely did not).
My guess is, some people have been burned by cheaters in the past, and so they assume all men are cheaters. Or something like that.
When I run across someone who has an abusrdly strong stance against having platonic friends of the opposite gender, I immediately assume one of the following:
1 – You have been cheated on in the past and are scared of it happening again (acceptable).
2 – You are a cheater and don’t want to have someone acting the way you do (unacceptable).
3 – You think everything = sex – or – = a series of transactional matters leading to sex (unacceptable and wildly immature).
In any case – I don’t typically keep people like this in my circle anymore. I used to – before I finally bailed on the toxic ass marriage I was in.
Because a significant number of people actually suck at it, and it’s not just straight men & women. The gays, lesbians, bisexuals etc. have similar issues. A lot of people have trouble setting boundaries & keeping things platonic.
I suspect because they themselves struggle to form friendships with members of the opposite sex, and rather than reflecting on what that says about them, they decide it means that no one can.
I have a significant number of platonic female friends, and I’ve never understood that men and women can’t just be friends. I have heard a number of men say well if you remain friends with a woman it’s because you’re hoping for a relationship sometime but in my case, that’s just not the case
People tend to assume that the things they think are widely held universal truths. It’s easy, comfortable, and you don’t need to justify your position if you declare it the default. There is simply a cohort of people for which this gender relations statement is true, for whatever reason.
I think it’s 100% possible. I have several male friends are strictly platonic. Our conversations and actions have never remotely been sexual or romantic. I also have male friends that I may have had a relationship with a long time ago, and we remained strictly friends for 20+ years. For one reason or another, we didn’t work out as partners but liked the friendship we had.
I worked in a male dominated field for so long that I never realized how hard women are to work with until I worked in a doctors office with mostly women. 😵💫 I tend to befriend the men only because I just can’t handle the level of pettiness and drama that a lot of women have. With a man, you can have a disagreement in the morning about something and exchange a few words, and by lunchtime, all is good and never spoken about again. With a women you can have a disagreement, and they still hate you and talk shit about you 4 YEARS later!!
Because the person saying it can’t, they’re admitting they don’t have self control or introspection. Often time ppl say things as a projection of their inner thought. “I can’t believe xyz would do something like that!” = I would never do this and thus do not abide by it. You can ask questions to further gauge a complete understanding of someone’s complex thought and belief ofc but it’s not hard to gather context clues towards people’s feelings right?
I’ve met both men and women, my elders and my peers, say this concept and every time in the back of my mind I’m of thinking of how this friend cheated on her ex with his friend or my uncle who has 6 bio children by at least 4 different women, most of whom don’t speak to him etc etc. like they’re not champions of healthy relationships, of setting boundaries and respecting those set by others, of living by the concept of feminism. Treating people as people as they come across them. Some psychologists would argue that how you violate relationships is also a reflection of gendered bias, you’ll see it in examples of men who are serial cheaters but have a few long time friends that have a completely different perspective of their friend compared to his romantic partners. Or the woman who’s always in a relationship, maybe not the same consistently, often can’t keep the same job either because of drama that just “follows”her, but complains that she has no girlfriends and shows unhealthy competition with her sister.
So all that to say is, in my opinion, life is a bit of feeding an invisible engine whilst being the machine. We can try to give Grace to people who had really unhealthy childhoods but most ppl generally know it’s not nice to treat ppl differently for the things they can’t change about themselves, including gender. We can all be mad at the ppl who do shitty things towards us based on our gender but if we’re not fostering space for all genders to coexist outside of the problem children then we’re always gonna have the same problems.
Some people think that you can’t be friends with people of the opposing sex without wanting sex or something related to a romantic relationship. (I’m a woman who grew up and still have a majority of male friends relative to female. I have heard some wild assumptions throughout the years).
Because a lot of people run into trouble when they find their friend attractive and catch feelings. I find it to be less of a problem when I’m in a relationship, but when I’m single and have no prospects, I’ve had issues in the past that ruined friendships.
It’s great if you don’t have that problem, but knowing your flaws is also important.
Best thing about being a guy with friends who are women. We get to brag about all of our pockets. Or complain that our cost only has five pockets in it.
Because they look at members of the opposite sex at meat bags with genitals, so they assume everyone else does the same and isn’t capable of anything more complex than that.
Because men only pursue friendships with women they want to sleep with. Even out in public holding doors and stuff, if its an attractive women they will hold the door and give them a smile, ugly girl comes up and that door is going to be slamming in her face. Men are not going to go out of their way snd give up their time to be nice to a woman if they don’t think there is at least a small chance that it could lead to sex someday. Now obviously we can be civil and small talk with unattractive women, it generally ends at civil small talk.
Because some people legit cannot be and people are afraid of those kinds.
I’m bi, my husband is bi, we both have friends of the same and opposite sex, we both never had that stupid problem like at all… but then I’ve met people who just can’t seem to control themselves.
Men who say this, in my experience, are misogynists who don’t see women fully as people.
They can’t be friends with women because they believe women are for sex. And they believe no men can be friends with women, because all men must think this way.
Source: Dating my now-ex who for 5 years insisted that any men who would be my friend were just trying to fuck me
For me at least, i couldnt be friends with a female without them trying to get with me romantically, the ones that i would friendzone would end up getting a boyfriend and ghosting me without ever saying anything and making it awkward. Ive had lesbian friends. Been “friends” with some of my friends girlfriends. But thats about it.
Depends, I’m married and have zero female friends. My wife has zero male friends.
Both of us have had many experiences where the opposite sex eventually wants more. Iv been the best friends or guy friends but the opposite sex wanted more. My wife before we met had guys friends (my wife is hot asf) all of them at some point wanted more.
We are married so we look at it as keeping our marriage safe and not allowing any room for a door to be remotely opened. We keep doors shut because we know how things can be. Humans get emotional and things happen. So we keep each other safe and our marriage clean.
I never understood it. If you can’t view women as people and treat them as a friend, the problem is you. I have platonic male friends and my boyfriend has platonic female friends and it’s wonderful. It’s not hard to not view your friends as sexual objects and just treat them like human beings because that’s what they are.
I wouldn’t say women and women can’t be platonic friends as a rule, but more so that there are a lot of individuals who struggle with the prospect.
To an extent, I’m one of them. If I’m attracted to a woman. If she is single. If our personalities or lifestyles are compatible….
The more boxes a woman checks that would validate her as a potential partner, the more pressure I would feel within to move in that direction over forging and maintaining a platonic relationship.
I feel this way because on some level I believe that I have a hole in my heart and in my life that a partner could fill and dating strangers has only ever brought me pain and suffering. Do I act upon these feelings? No, because I’m not an asshole…
That’s my reasoning for thinking individuals such as myself might struggle with forging and maintaining platonic relationships with the opposite sex and I imagine there are others in similar circumstances because loneliness is hardly a concept unique to myself.
That said, I imagine there being another group of people who might claim that men and women can’t be platonic friends and that group would be people, men and women, who are insecure about themselves and their relationships and believe infidelity from their partners to be simply a matter of opportunity.
Because patriarchy pushes heteronormativity which assumes any connection between people of opposite gender = relationship. It also places value on romantic/sexual relationship over platonic friendship. It also comes from a system that teaches men that any connection with women is for the end goal of romance/sex. It comes from rigid gender roles and misogyny.
What sucks is being a female that gets along better with males. But can’t have male friends because everyone thinks something has to be going on. I grew up with 3 brothers. I didn’t have sisters.
they have messed up views of intimacy and sex, and they think everyone is like that. i’m a bi woman, and it would be impossible for me to be friends with anyone by that standard. i have plenty of male and female friends
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Honestly I think those people view every relationship as transactional, even their platonic ones. People who can’t just be friends with the opposite sex tend to be poor friends to their same sex friends too, in my experience.
Attraction
Hard to not be frustrated when you are super attracted and on the flip side hard to not feel awkward when the other is super attracted to you.
In both case Cut the relationship. I have been on both side and decided to end it because I wanted not to be frustrated nor awkward
We’re literally programmed to seek mate because of biology. So unless you don’t find other attractive and they don’t find you attractive either because of something like age difference, look difference, core value difference, social status difference,… then platonic friendship is simply bs.
A lot of people don’t view their opposite gender as whole people worth getting to know outside of their chances of getting sexual gratification, whether they realize it or not.
My question to people who think this way is always: well, I’m bisexual, so does that mean I shouldn’t have any friends?
A lot of men see their friendship with women as one that could possibly lead to intimacy and predicate their friendship on that possibility, so even internally they don’t believe they could be platonic friends because the relationships they carry are not emotionally platonic.
I also have platonic female friends. These people dont know how to have relationships with women that goes beyond sex. So they project and act like this is a universal truth when it is not.
Familiarity tends to breed comfort. Often, it’s through shared experiences where people unintentionally develop feelings, especially as they age. There is a societal push to emphasize romantic partnerships above friendships, which plays a part.
The other aspect is that often men don’t get emotional support in their friendships. So vulnerability, support, and quality time become a need that they receive through romance. Men then use friendship as a stepping stone to a relationship as a hidden social contract.
There will be people who will not fit this assumption. However, they tend to be rare, making it harder for people to believe two people of the opposite gender or same sexuality can be platonic.
The men I notice who tend not to use friendship with women as a passive-aggressive way to get dates. Tend to be assertive, self-aware, confident, and have multiple emotionally supportive relationships.
They can be friends- for sure- HOWEVER- 😂 when you are in a relationship with someone else while trying to maintain that other platonic relationship…some think it’s not a good look
AND- MANY times platonic relationships grow into something more- it’s a well-known documented fact
AND- many times the relationship starts TOTALLY platonic- but over time attraction develops and builds- it’s happened to everyone, whether you spend a lot of time with someone or just noticing a stranger many times over a course of time.
AND- if you get people to actually talk truth- many times one of the people in the “platonic” relationship would get romantic immediately, but refrain out of fear…
Idk why this is either. I’m a lesbian and have always enjoyed having male friends. They’re more likely to share my interests and hobbies, and I enjoy the funny banter of the guys I’ve met w/o having to worry about hurting their feelings. Again, not to generalize everyone, exceptions etc etc.
But I’ve moved recently and my friend pool consists mainly of straight women, who are great people, awesome friends, but they hold this idea that men and women can’t be platonic friends, and that the guys I’ve befriended are crushing on me, or hoping I’ll give them a chance despite my sexual orientation etc. It’s starting to give me anxiety about hanging around guys, or inviting them over for video games.
Men don’t get all that much affection, and female relationships are USUALLY pretty affectionate. Then when the man and woman become friends, the man is so sidelined by this affection that he falls. At least, that’s been my experience
I have a different take on this. Please bear with me.
I believe that men that can be friends with women, are the men that are really superficial. They want the hottest girl of their dreams. If you are not that, they don’t want you physically, and thus they can be friends with you. That is why these men always say, I am not attracted to all of my female friends, of course not, not all of your female friends are Instagram models.
Normal men, on the other hand, become close to most of the surrounding women, because, these women are persons. They feel a connection or attraction that is deeper than just her looks. It is hard for them to keep the relationship as just friends.
Please don’t downvote me or upvote me, instead comment on why you agree or disagree.
Because they’re ignorant, small minded, not great at socializing and often only see their own self interests as human and natural while anything opposing or different is not worthy of dignity or acknowledgment.
Because they don’t understand the difference between finding someone attractive versus emotionally investing in that attraction and having it drive their behavior, and so they define platonic friendship as a only possible with a complete lack of attraction – they have no way to accept the presence of any attraction without it causing a problem.
I’d be the same as you, my friend groups are roughly 50:50 male and female. I don’t know, some guys just can’t seem to separate women from potential sexual exploits, maybe it’s a symptom of hook up culture which I’m not really into.
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I think some of it comes down to how men are conditioned to view women socially. A lot of guys are brought up with this notion that their main goal when socializing with women is to secure a romantic relationship. Puberty kicks in when adolescence starts and guys start to view women with those intentions – the hormonal drive to secure a partner. For heterosexual men, women have features that they desire in a partner – beauty, compassion, gentleness, etc. When they begin socializing with women post-puberty, they view these things as desires in a way that couple to their sexual desires – in a way that goes beyond what they want from a platonic friend.
When guys are socialized to form friendships, usually with other boys/guys, they do so by forming bonds through mutual interests, working towards a shared goal (building something, playing video games together, etc), and forming a sense of loyalty. Male-male friendships traditionally do not include a deeply shared sense of empathy or compassion. Guys know that their male friends care about them and want them to do well, but they don’t typically like to directly communicate it or bond through physical affection. Women are socialized to view friendships as much more intimate and emotionally engaging than male friendships typically are. Therefore when a guy goes to form a friendship with a woman – those notions of empathy, kindness, and warmth may trigger more romantic feelings than friendly feelings, because they’ve been taught that those qualities are highly desirable for a romantic partner and can trigger those sexual undertones.
I think male-female friendships work best when the man and woman both recognize and reinforce the idea that romantic interest is tampered for the grounds of the platonic friendship. I think it also helps if both parties are already in committed relationships and recognize that their romantic needs are already fulfilled.
I think a lot of guys form friendships with women in hopes that it will blossom into a romantic relationship. And when that doesn’t work, they figure the friendship was for nothing. This has more to do with the guys in question seeing the friendship as a means to an end, rather than an experience of its own. Unfortunately I think our media and culture continue to push this idea that "the best relationships start out as friendships", and it leads to a lot of guys building unrealistic expectations and viewing all friendships with women as internships for a future relationship.
Another thing I’d like to add is that people assume things. If a man and a woman, both straight, hang out a lot, then friends gossip and assume they’re doing stuff
The real reason is because it’s true for a lot of men. There are tons of men that are too immature to see women as anything other than sexual or romantic partners. So lots of men say it because it’s true for themselves so they assume it’s also true for other men, and lots of women say it because they’ve had too many experiences dealing with these immature men.
In my experience most women are capable of being friends with men but most men aren’t capable being friends with women. 90% of the time they’ll eventually ask you out or they just lie in wait until the woman breaks up with her boyfriend. If you reject them, friendship is over. This happened to me a few years ago. Joined a gaming discord and made friends with an asexual guy (as in, he was openly asexual – I didn’t just guess this). I quickly learned the hard way that asexual doesn’t mean aromantic. After 6 or 7 months of gaming almost every day and tons of fun, he professed his love for me. I was completely blindsided and unfortunately I didn’t feel the same way back. He stopped talking to me. That was in 2019 and we never spoke again. I still miss him occasionally and hope he is doing ok out there.
There’s some cool men that I’d like to be friends with but I’m definitely more put off by the thought of being friends with a man because I’ll always have that thought in the back of my mind of “Is he actually my friend or does he just want to bang me? Will the friendship immediately end if I reject him?”
Most of my friends are women, I’m a man. The women I’m friends with are also either not my type (and I’m not theirs) or they have partners and said partners are also present most of the time when we spend time together.
It is difficult to maintain platonic friendships with women you are attracted to and have good chemistry with whom you also spend a lot of time with alone in intimate settings as that’s a recipe for catching feelings.
Full stop, it’s not a universal truth that for some reason a lot of people seem to think so.
If I were to guess, it’s probably because people go into a friendship with intentions of anything but a platonic friendship.
Like you, majority of my closest friends have been with women.
It’s a stupid narrative perpetrated by both sexes to justify coercive control.
You’re not allowed to have friends because they want to sleep with you.
I think a lot of us have experienced being cheated on with the “he’s just a friend” character and so many of us now have firmer boundaries on what sort of friendships we find acceptable with our romantic partners.
Women and men can be friends, but I think the honest truth is most men are horny bastards and will jump at the first chance they get to sleep with a woman.
I think these men just didn’t grow up having attractive women as close friends. This was my entire adolescence so for me it’s just the norm; I don’t even think twice about it until some other dude on the internet brings it up as unusual/"unsustainable"
I get sexual tension and complication in relations tween the sexes but I’ve never had the problem because 1 I don’t want to eff every woman I meet and even if I might I get that it’s a 2 way street and I can forget it if she’s not interested. I don’t see why that’s hard
Somewhat sidetracking here but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who I wasn’t friends with first. So, if that is the case at a baseline level then personally I don’t see how men and women can’t be friends. Anything less than that is a recipe for disaster. No mutual interests, hobbies or values.
Another straight guy whose friends are mostly women – I’ve been told the same. I think it’s largely because people often have flat and simplistic views on this, and then get scared to make friendships. It becomes a self reinforcing narrative too.
also a small group of people get jealous or nervous and freak out if their SO has different gendered friends. (Yes this is all heteronormative…)
I’ve had lots of platonic friendships with women. And frankly, I generally had romantic feelings of greater or lesser intensity for almost all of them. That didn’t mean I had to act on them, but it was something going on in the back of my mind. If that sort of thing bothers you, you might think that those weren’t proper friendships.
In high school I had a mad crush on a guy & asked him to the homecoming dance. In the car on the way to the dance he said that scary statement "I like you a lot but only as friends". Fortunately, I was able to get over my broken heart because he truly became an AMAZING guy friend. We were together all the time having the best times.
You can. Only requires one individual to not catch feelings or get romantic. As long as one is strictly there for a platonic friendship nothing out of the ordinary will occur.
Because they’re mentally wavering. The type of people are typical sex-starved gorillas who probably have no respect for themselves or for their partners.
I’ve never met a single person over the age of 12 with this opinion who wasn’t a different partner every week, kids in the Facebook bio but not in their custody kinda person. Some people can’t fathom a non-familial relationship outside of sex.
It’s fucking stupid
Misconceptions I think and maybe not having any healthy examples in their own lives.
I’m a man and several of my best friends are women. No, I’ve never been attracted to them (not that they aren’t conventionally attractive). I do love them but as if they were my sisters. I never needed or wanted more from our relationships besides that.
Most likely because THEY can’t be platonic friends or they have never witnessed a platonic friendship that didn’t turn into a romantic or sexual relationship.
Probably because they can’t imagine having a truly platonic friend.
I have never had a really close friendship with a woman. Work friends, etc, but never close
My husband says this but it’s because sex is the primary reason to have a relationship for him. He’s just telling on himself, but at least I know he’s lying if claims a woman is his friend
i’m assuming we are talking about TRUE actual friendship, not the casual way people throw "friend" around where everyone you hang out with is a friend…
in that case,yes… men and women can’t be TRUE (this is my best friend) friends… the only way it works is that at least ONE of the people is attracted to the other… now, if it isn’t you, then it’s THEM… but it’s definitely someone…
notice i’m specifically saying "a physical attraction"… that is all i’m saying…. not love, not desperate desire to have sex with them but actual physical NON-PLATONIC attraction to some degree
that is all.. i have spoken
This is mostly said by people who legitimately are sexist and see no utility in the opposite sex beyond dating. They also usually make trash partners because who wants to date someone who says they love you but can never actually like you.
From what I’ve seen in this discourse, they’re either misogynists who wouldn’t want to be friends with a woman, or they’re desperate and would want to pursue a relationship with any woman they got close to, even if she was not actually a compatible romantic partner. Sometimes both.
Because some men can’t be platonic friends with women. They don’t see women as human beings but as things they could have sex with. If that’s the way they think, they are right.
I’m a straight guy, most of my best friends have been women. My wife is number one+++ and I love sex, but I know the difference between sex and friendship. Some men don’t.
If I didn’t have female friends, I wouldn’t have friends. I’m married, my wife and I double date with some of my friends and their SO’s. I also see some of my friends 1 on 1. Without a hint of sexual tension. I enjoy my friendship with all my friends, they just happen to be women.
I’m a gay man with plenty of female friends. I also have plenty of queer male friends. It’s because they don’t see women as anything other than Potential Mates and not people.
Most of the people I’ve seen say this are men. Sadly I think it’s because they just can’t imagine valuing a relationship with a woman unless they want to sleep with her.
I noticed that some say that men can’t be platonic friends with women because they probably see anyone from the other gender as potential partners. But not all guys have the same view of ladies, meaning it is possible for some of them to actually be friends without a hint of romance. It’s really up to each person.
The people who say and think this (usually men) are the same people who think (and sometimes say) "I would bang my sister if she wasn’t my sister". It’s a confession, really. They view women as sentient sex toys instead of real human beings.
I don’t see my friends sexually and I think my female friends can feel that so they seem pretty comfortable hanging out with my one on one or coming over to hang out or inviting me over to their place. I am not asexual. I am attracted to women. But there’s like a lock in my head toggled for friends… I just don’t see them that way. But listening to the stories of other people’s lives, I think I might be a bit of an outlier.
I don’t do it for quite simple reasons.
I base my friends on mostly my hobbies. My hobbies are known to attract women that are seeking attention and not really in them to be in them.
Also I have a SO and a daughter, so it’s not a touch grass/woman hater thing either.
They say it because they’ve not socially/emotionally developed to the point of understanding the ways in which they’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy.
Because people are ignorant or have been hurt by situations they thought they could transition into a romantic relationship. Or they’re just incapable of setting boundaries as an adult. It’s perfectly possible and quite normal just not for people who aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to handle it
My guess is because a lot of people have little to no control over their desires. Unless she’s butt ugly, he’s gay, or he’s known her long enough/are close enough to view her as a sister, there will always be some level of sexual attraction/desire from him; consiouclsy or subconsiously. I have platonic female friends that I wouldn’t touch in that way, but I still look from time to time. How can I not? They’re beautiful. But some people can’t just look and be content. They not disciplined enough to temper their sexual desires, or any desires, so they say these things to remove temptation I guess.
The only way to not lose, is to not play.
You should ask all the men that put me in the fuck zone. The only male I have been successful at remaining friends with is gay. I refuse to be friends with straight men anymore because of it.
It is possible. First men need to control their drive and not want to have sex with every woman they engage with.
I enjoy platonic friendships with women.
I think they can for the record, but as an anecdote I haven’t seen mentioned, I wanted to add that strangers frequently will treat you as a couple and it can make things weird/plant the idea of romance. I have a close male friend and am a lesbian, when we hang out one-on-one we frequently get people implying we’re dating. Sometimes they try to be respectful and ask ‘what are you guys’ before assuming, but I never get that question with same-gender friends, so it’s obvious what they think. People get really sly and don’t believe you when you insist you’re just friends too, sometimes. Sucks and I wish people wouldn’t assume.
Because they’re often the actual people who can’t. I have never had a problem with it or maybe I need to reinforce boundaries where it’s come up OR I leave the friendship behind myself.
Because they don’t respect women as full fledged people. Every single one of them is a possible lay. And if they aren’t attracted to her they’ll just ignore her completely because they see no value in women who they dont wanna fuck.
I’m in the same situation. And sadly, I even lost a friend last year — pretty sure it was because she decided we couldn’t be platonic friends (i.e. she thought I wanted more than that, which I most definitely did not).
My guess is, some people have been burned by cheaters in the past, and so they assume all men are cheaters. Or something like that.
When I run across someone who has an abusrdly strong stance against having platonic friends of the opposite gender, I immediately assume one of the following:
1 – You have been cheated on in the past and are scared of it happening again (acceptable).
2 – You are a cheater and don’t want to have someone acting the way you do (unacceptable).
3 – You think everything = sex – or – = a series of transactional matters leading to sex (unacceptable and wildly immature).
In any case – I don’t typically keep people like this in my circle anymore. I used to – before I finally bailed on the toxic ass marriage I was in.
Because a significant number of people actually suck at it, and it’s not just straight men & women. The gays, lesbians, bisexuals etc. have similar issues. A lot of people have trouble setting boundaries & keeping things platonic.
I suspect because they themselves struggle to form friendships with members of the opposite sex, and rather than reflecting on what that says about them, they decide it means that no one can.
I have a significant number of platonic female friends, and I’ve never understood that men and women can’t just be friends. I have heard a number of men say well if you remain friends with a woman it’s because you’re hoping for a relationship sometime but in my case, that’s just not the case
People tend to assume that the things they think are widely held universal truths. It’s easy, comfortable, and you don’t need to justify your position if you declare it the default. There is simply a cohort of people for which this gender relations statement is true, for whatever reason.
I think it’s 100% possible. I have several male friends are strictly platonic. Our conversations and actions have never remotely been sexual or romantic. I also have male friends that I may have had a relationship with a long time ago, and we remained strictly friends for 20+ years. For one reason or another, we didn’t work out as partners but liked the friendship we had.
I worked in a male dominated field for so long that I never realized how hard women are to work with until I worked in a doctors office with mostly women. 😵💫 I tend to befriend the men only because I just can’t handle the level of pettiness and drama that a lot of women have. With a man, you can have a disagreement in the morning about something and exchange a few words, and by lunchtime, all is good and never spoken about again. With a women you can have a disagreement, and they still hate you and talk shit about you 4 YEARS later!!
Because the person saying it can’t, they’re admitting they don’t have self control or introspection. Often time ppl say things as a projection of their inner thought. “I can’t believe xyz would do something like that!” = I would never do this and thus do not abide by it. You can ask questions to further gauge a complete understanding of someone’s complex thought and belief ofc but it’s not hard to gather context clues towards people’s feelings right?
I’ve met both men and women, my elders and my peers, say this concept and every time in the back of my mind I’m of thinking of how this friend cheated on her ex with his friend or my uncle who has 6 bio children by at least 4 different women, most of whom don’t speak to him etc etc. like they’re not champions of healthy relationships, of setting boundaries and respecting those set by others, of living by the concept of feminism. Treating people as people as they come across them. Some psychologists would argue that how you violate relationships is also a reflection of gendered bias, you’ll see it in examples of men who are serial cheaters but have a few long time friends that have a completely different perspective of their friend compared to his romantic partners. Or the woman who’s always in a relationship, maybe not the same consistently, often can’t keep the same job either because of drama that just “follows”her, but complains that she has no girlfriends and shows unhealthy competition with her sister.
So all that to say is, in my opinion, life is a bit of feeding an invisible engine whilst being the machine. We can try to give Grace to people who had really unhealthy childhoods but most ppl generally know it’s not nice to treat ppl differently for the things they can’t change about themselves, including gender. We can all be mad at the ppl who do shitty things towards us based on our gender but if we’re not fostering space for all genders to coexist outside of the problem children then we’re always gonna have the same problems.
Some people think that you can’t be friends with people of the opposing sex without wanting sex or something related to a romantic relationship. (I’m a woman who grew up and still have a majority of male friends relative to female. I have heard some wild assumptions throughout the years).
Because a lot of people run into trouble when they find their friend attractive and catch feelings. I find it to be less of a problem when I’m in a relationship, but when I’m single and have no prospects, I’ve had issues in the past that ruined friendships.
It’s great if you don’t have that problem, but knowing your flaws is also important.
Best thing about being a guy with friends who are women. We get to brag about all of our pockets. Or complain that our cost only has five pockets in it.
Because they look at members of the opposite sex at meat bags with genitals, so they assume everyone else does the same and isn’t capable of anything more complex than that.
Because men only pursue friendships with women they want to sleep with. Even out in public holding doors and stuff, if its an attractive women they will hold the door and give them a smile, ugly girl comes up and that door is going to be slamming in her face. Men are not going to go out of their way snd give up their time to be nice to a woman if they don’t think there is at least a small chance that it could lead to sex someday. Now obviously we can be civil and small talk with unattractive women, it generally ends at civil small talk.
Because some people legit cannot be and people are afraid of those kinds.
I’m bi, my husband is bi, we both have friends of the same and opposite sex, we both never had that stupid problem like at all… but then I’ve met people who just can’t seem to control themselves.
I don’t get it at all
Men who say this, in my experience, are misogynists who don’t see women fully as people.
They can’t be friends with women because they believe women are for sex. And they believe no men can be friends with women, because all men must think this way.
Source: Dating my now-ex who for 5 years insisted that any men who would be my friend were just trying to fuck me
Because those people who say that sexualize friendships.
I have many male friends that I have zero interest in dating and almost none of them are because of a lack of sexual attraction.
I just don’t want to date them.
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For me at least, i couldnt be friends with a female without them trying to get with me romantically, the ones that i would friendzone would end up getting a boyfriend and ghosting me without ever saying anything and making it awkward. Ive had lesbian friends. Been “friends” with some of my friends girlfriends. But thats about it.
Depends, I’m married and have zero female friends. My wife has zero male friends.
Both of us have had many experiences where the opposite sex eventually wants more. Iv been the best friends or guy friends but the opposite sex wanted more. My wife before we met had guys friends (my wife is hot asf) all of them at some point wanted more.
We are married so we look at it as keeping our marriage safe and not allowing any room for a door to be remotely opened. We keep doors shut because we know how things can be. Humans get emotional and things happen. So we keep each other safe and our marriage clean.
To each his or her own.
I never understood it. If you can’t view women as people and treat them as a friend, the problem is you. I have platonic male friends and my boyfriend has platonic female friends and it’s wonderful. It’s not hard to not view your friends as sexual objects and just treat them like human beings because that’s what they are.
I wouldn’t say women and women can’t be platonic friends as a rule, but more so that there are a lot of individuals who struggle with the prospect.
To an extent, I’m one of them. If I’m attracted to a woman. If she is single. If our personalities or lifestyles are compatible….
The more boxes a woman checks that would validate her as a potential partner, the more pressure I would feel within to move in that direction over forging and maintaining a platonic relationship.
I feel this way because on some level I believe that I have a hole in my heart and in my life that a partner could fill and dating strangers has only ever brought me pain and suffering. Do I act upon these feelings? No, because I’m not an asshole…
That’s my reasoning for thinking individuals such as myself might struggle with forging and maintaining platonic relationships with the opposite sex and I imagine there are others in similar circumstances because loneliness is hardly a concept unique to myself.
That said, I imagine there being another group of people who might claim that men and women can’t be platonic friends and that group would be people, men and women, who are insecure about themselves and their relationships and believe infidelity from their partners to be simply a matter of opportunity.
Because patriarchy pushes heteronormativity which assumes any connection between people of opposite gender = relationship. It also places value on romantic/sexual relationship over platonic friendship. It also comes from a system that teaches men that any connection with women is for the end goal of romance/sex. It comes from rigid gender roles and misogyny.
What sucks is being a female that gets along better with males. But can’t have male friends because everyone thinks something has to be going on. I grew up with 3 brothers. I didn’t have sisters.
they have messed up views of intimacy and sex, and they think everyone is like that. i’m a bi woman, and it would be impossible for me to be friends with anyone by that standard. i have plenty of male and female friends