I’ve (36f) been realizing that I rely on my partner too much for security. Financial, emotional, you name it. I have never been a particularly responsible person, but lately it’s really been waning on me how I want to be supporting myself and not be falling back on someone else.
For context, I have been with my partner 15 years. We are not married, but engaged. “We” own a home, but it’s in his name. I split the mortgage with him. “We” own a car, but it’s in his name. I split the payment with him. This didn’t happen in a begrudging way, I am 5 years younger than him and had bad credit/student loans that would affect the loans. He does not hold this over my head in any way.
I own my own business, so I have my own income. We do not have joint accounts, but we do split things evenly. He makes quite a substantial bit more than I do career-wise, but he does not hold that over my head. In short, he’s not the cause of any of this and any comments about him having “control” over me aren’t really necessary!
He’s great, but I do worry about one day if he’s not here, what will I do? So I’m asking the other gals who have their shit figured out… where do I start?
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But what is your definition of ‘having your shit figured out’?’. You earn your own money and you have your own business, that’s pretty good. For me, that’s defined as if I was ever by myself, that I could run the house or had the savings to manage this short term should the worst happen.
Just like you myself and my partner don’t have joint accounts as I do like having my own money.
In terms of emotional security, again what it looks like for you might be different for someone else. For me it’s being happy to do things myself and having a healthy relationship with myself. I mean, I won’t say I’m great at this but before I got with my long term partner I lived alone for 5 years and that did really help.
What do you rely on him for? Also id be mindful paying a mortgage that is in someone else’s name
This is very similar to how we have our life set up as well–common law (a legal status where we live, and will get legally married before expatriating in the next handful of years), been together 5+ years, own a home but he’s the only one on the title. I am not a citizen of this country and he is so it would significantly complicate our lives financially if I were to be; furthermore, he put down the down payment and my part of the mortgage is far cheaper than rent would be if I lived elsewhere so it is really no difference to me. We split expenses in a fairly equivalent-to-income way, otherwise financially separate and will stay that way because he is a frugal saver and I am happy to work longer hours to afford buying us both nice things. I’m also a business owner and he is semi-retired early, and contributes to me being able to WFH full time + finish my PhD by supporting, body doubling, helping me think through problems so the least I can do is make sure he benefits from my extra work and liquidity.
If we were to split up–and I can’t see it happening because we are best friends and rarely spent a moment apart in five years–I’d just go back to doing my life the way I did before: live light, rent studios, keep growing my business which is doing great. I never enjoyed being too tied down to a place or investing in things I can’t put in a car and move, so even being tied to a house has been kinda stressful for me at times because I don’t appreciate the responsibility or fixed location angle, though I certainly appreciate the very low cost and how much of a cozy home we have made together.
I think that’s sufficiently “figured out” for 34, given that there’s nothing I want to “work toward” other than increasing the size of my bank account and getting us EU citizenship eventually so I can support us with him retiring and helping me with my business (we are in adjacent fields) while we live in a warm place so he isn’t in chronic pain. He has the equity, I have the hustle, and that balance works for us. Without the equity I’d still have the hustle, and it sounds like you would too even if your life had to look a bit different.
That’s what I have my partner for. We build on each other’s success and help each other with failures and weaknesses.
I better be the one to die first though!
Have him add you to the deed for the home and the title of the vehicle. You pay your share of both. In the event that something happened to him, you would be put in a terrible position with no entitlement to the possession of or equity in either.
To the commenter who says you’re entitled to half of the house after you get married, that is incorrect. It’s a premarital asset.
I just had a look at comments you have on other pages and can see you’re married already. I wouldn’t pay into a mortgage that my husband owns. I see what you mean now if something was to happen you are homeless. Have a conversation with him and tell him you don’t feel comfortable paying into a mortgage that’s not in your name. You want him to sell the house and buy a house together or he signs half the house over to you. DO NOT pay into his mortgage this is how women get fucked over.
I had this realization at 30 with my partner. I’m 34 now my career is solid and I make 3x more than him. I have a respectable savings and recently opened my IRA very late know…and my credit is 753 currently. I can easily support myself and my two small dogs. We are also not married however we don’t plan to ever marry bc I have serious issues that I need to go to therapy for. I threw the idea of me buying a house a couple of years ago ajd he said flat out he would NOT pay rent as its not fair since ill have equity and he wont 😂 ridiculous i know
I dunno. I was always taught that I had to rely on myself, that no one was going to save me. If I wanted something done, I had to be the one to do it.
My dad would promise me things and not follow through. Or he would start something with me and do the bare minimum, and then quit, leaving the thing half finished. Or he would tell me we would go and do something after I accomplished some set task that was virtually impossible, because he didn’t want to do it. I learned that men don’t do what they say they’re going to do, and that I wasn’t worth time, effort, or money, and that there are always strings attached by the time I was ten. So I overcompensated by becoming ridiculously independent and refusing to rely on anyone.
I don’t really recommend my method, but that’s how I Did it.
I think getting a car in your name seems like a great start! You already have a business and sound like you’re aware of finances, but it would be a smaller thing to work toward and give you some quick independence if needed/wanted.
To answer your title question: LOL I don’t 🤣
Don’t think I truly ever will and honestly… Sounds boring to have all my “shit” figured out.
Ooof my bff was with a man for almost that long, and in a similar position with “their” house. He broke up with her and she got nothing (but the privilege of paying part of his mortgage for over 10 years, helping him gain equity and pay HIS house off).
How old is your husband? If he’s similar age than you then this is usually the time they realize it’s their last moment to procreate and then they dip. Not meshing your lives together in any legal manner is very often a sign that a partner wants to keep their options open. Sometimes it’s subconscious tbh, not saying he’s necessarily cynical.
It could be the source of your anxieties without even realizing it.