I’m four months away from getting married and feel completely overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unsure if I can go through with it. On paper, it looks like everything’s fine, but the truth is I’ve been carrying this relationship for years — and I don’t know if I can anymore.
We’ve been together for over 10 years. I supported him through cancer, financial struggles, family breakdowns, immigration issues, and deep personal trauma — including abuse and the loss of his parents. I even secretly married him when he was at risk of being deported, sacrificing my peace and relationship with my family in the process.
His family has always been emotionally cold and performative. His aunt, who acts like the matriarch, is passive-aggressive, classist, and dismissive toward me. She’s called me names, excluded me during visits, and only performs affection when confronted. His cousin (a woman) has crossed serious boundaries — like sitting on his lap, drinking from his cup, feeding him with her fork — all in my presence. When I expressed how that made me feel, I was gaslit and painted as insecure.
His uncle, the most financially well-off in the family, holds quiet control over him. Despite being wealthy, he expects my fiancé to pay for his relatives’ school fees, cover expenses for other family members, and essentially be the provider — even though he’s not in a position to do so. This same uncle hasn’t helped at all with the wedding, yet recently asked us to pay for his business class flight to attend.
Meanwhile, I’ve recently lost my job, and there’s still $20K left to cover. My parents — who are retired — are helping as much as they can. But I’m emotionally tapped out. I’ve been loyal, patient, and selfless. But I feel invisible. Every time I try to express my feelings, my fiancé makes it about his trauma, his family, his pain — never mine. I’m constantly reminded that “our family dynamics are different,” as if I should apologize for having support while he doesn’t.
I feel like I’ve been surviving this relationship, not living in it. And now that the wedding is approaching, I’m scared. Not of marriage — but of marrying someone who still hasn’t learned how to protect me, prioritize me, or even sit with my pain without deflecting.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve come too far to turn back, but too hurt to move forward. I’ve never told the full story before, but I need help: What would you do if you were in my position?
Comments
I would atleast postpone the wedding if I can’t cancel it.
And to be frank, the entire post screams about the cons of this relationship. Can you let me know if there are any pros? (except that you’ve been together for too long, that’s moot if you have emotionally checked out)
You need to go. Friend, please: you need to go. I know you invested 10 years – 10 years is better than 11, 15, 20. A man who has not learnt to stand up for you this far will never learn. Never. Friend, please: protect yourself. Go.
I feel like these feelings will only amplify after you’re married. It’s so important to protect your peace in this situation. Have you spoken to your fiancé or are you at a point of no return?
Whilst cancelling the wedding is both expensive and emotionally difficult, I think it will be worthwhile in the long run if this is how you feel. Cancelling the wedding is better than regretting getting married and living with that.
Don’t. He is controlled and manipulated and that’s not going to change.
Oh, honey. You do know what to do. You know not to go through with the wedding. In fact, you need to figure out the divorce. Lots of love from an internet stranger who it seems cares more about you than your fiancé.
It sounds like you’re married already? Did I get that wrong? If you’re already married why are you paying for a performance wedding to someone you no longer love and whose family you hate?
You said you secretly married him, so the wedding doesn’t actually change anything. If you want to leave him, you’d need a divorce.
I do think it sounds like you need to rethink the wedding & your future.
Well first, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. And for what you have gone through. Have you spoken to a professional about this? Are you experiencing burnout? Of course I am only reading a tiny part of a bigger picture, I’m sure that behind these depictions (hopefully) there is love, but it is so important to love yourself first before you love someone else and make such a big commitment. This goes for him too.
No relationship should be so out of balance, going into marriage, where you feel like you are both swimming and he’s on your back expecting you to carry him – good on you for seeing your strength and stamina at this, but it will eventually tire you out and drown you. At least you don’t have a baby with him and by extension his family, that would lock you into this, in a way that marriage doesn’t.
Relationships should be compromise, communication and fairness. Do you feel that this is true?
Why did you say yes to marrying him? You don’t need to answer me on that. But think about it as objectively as you can. Imagine yourself standing outside yourself looking into the relationship and ask yourself – hm, does she really love him enough to put herself through that big commitment that’s coming? Is his love selfless and reciprocated?
Being gaslit is a terrible thing. It makes you question your own values and stance in an otherwise obvious situation. I think, from what I have read, that you love him for who he maybe was at the beginning. But be careful not to hold out for something you already know isn’t coming back if it’s already gone.
My very basic impression of him is he comes from a family with unstable values. He has probably tried to deal with that his whole life. And some men deal with it and resolve it, for the better, and some don’t.
You are not responsible for his issues or his family.
Take yourself out on a holiday alone, go somewhere away for a week or so, distance yourself and have time alone to think. Switch off and give yourself time you deserve.
Best of luck gal, you got this
Time to tap out & move on
Aren’t you already legally married? Why are you spending tens of thousands of dollars on a party to celebrate a wedding you already had to a person who you resent and dislike? Get a divorce and move on with your life.
But you’re already married.
Cut your losses and get a divorce.
Sounds like you’ve got your leg attached to an anvil and you’re in deep water and sinking. You’re asking for help and your “partner” keeps talking about HIS issues.
This won’t get better.
There’s no reason to have a theatrical performance for a wedding. You’re already married and it’s not a good union.
Save your energy and money. Spend it on extricating yourself.
You have one life. You’ve already burned a decade on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
Why burn more time and money?
Cancel. The. Wedding.
It’s easier than divorce. Trust me.
TURN BACK. There is nothing wrong or shameful about realizing you don’t want to do this forever. You may find that your support system is relieved if you bring this to them. However, are you already legally married?
Cancel.
Listen, you KNOW this isn’t going to change. You know it. You have a DECADE of data points.
It will suck to break up — in so many ways. But you know what? Divorce will suck more. Every DAY you stay with him is a day you’re not healing, a day you can’t move forward, a day you’re sacrificing your happiness and mental health, a day you’ve lost toward finding someone who will cherish you.
Take a deep breath, make arrangements, and then break it off. You owe it to yourself.
You have been loyal, patient, and selfless, and you’ve also been invisible.
Everything here reflects a decade of consistent treatment, many highs/lows as in any life, but that’s been proven for that long. You waiting around for them to choose to change for you, is the same as you choosing to stay; everyone seemingly has committed to their choice.
Trust your gut isn’t just a throwaway line. Listen to your nervous system, and it seems yours is warning you if choosing a lifetime of this consistently proven behavior. If this is how you feel going, and the feeling will be consistent and no one good wedding day will change that.
It doesn’t make any sense. You are already married with all legal consequences involved, so you are just scared of some performance for the family?
Personally, when I walked away from an engagement the toxic family who saw me as their enemy was a big part of why. My fiance always excused them and rarely defended me.
I’m not the biggest fan of my husband’s family either, but we live very far away from them and he takes my side like 90% of the time, which is fine.
Never marry into family you really you can’t stand. Never marry a person who doesn’t prioritize you. Everybody who does it ends up miserable.
Cut your losses, divorce and don’t go through with the theatrics.
You’re already secretly married, why is it the unnecessary ceremony freaking you out? You should have divorced him ages ago. You don’t even have your own back, but expect abusers to do what you won’t? That is weakness.
Listen to me carefully.
That last sentence you wrote, about “too far to turn back” – the only reason this relationship has lasted for a decade is because you kept thinking you’ve been in this for too long or whatever. Sunk cost fallacy.
If you’re not here because you love him, he loves you, and you both want to be here, then it needs to end.
You’re long overdue to have a talk with him – if he can’t stand up for himself or for you, the marriage won’t happen.
My husbands family is exactly this. I had concerns , didn’t listen , and know I should have . I love my children and am not going to get a divorce after all these years. But get the hell out of there , it’ll suck, but it’ll be worth it . Life is short , but it is also LONG . Imagine when you have kids … it’ll magnify. We just now see how much strife his family caused and I’m suprised we are together. 100 percent like you described. Postpone it, at least . Or move far far away so they don’t have their clutches into you.
I wouldn’t go through with it. I’d break up with him and seek therapy. Do you really want to go through the rest of your life living like this?
>I feel like I’ve come too far to turn back,
This is the sunken cost fallacy. Please trust your instincts. If you don’t think it’s going to work, it’s A LOT easier to get out now than when you’re married. It sounds like you’re fiancé’s issues and family issues always take center stage while you just deal with it. This time, I really, really think you need to put yourself and your needs first. This is your life, you have to live it, and only you know what you can live with. If this isn’t it, it’s time to make a move. ❤️
I’ve seen this with friends before, it doesn’t get better. It is going to get worse. And the day you can no longer give, do, tolerate… you will be the problem, you will be the bad guy, etc. Why don’t you deserve to receive in this or any relationship? Best advice i give everyone… never give more than you receive in any relationship you have in your life. Let him and his family find someone else to disrespect and use… you’re all tapped out.
I was kind of in a similar mental state months ago. And the only thing i can say is— LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL CAN. He will never be understanding towards your situation and by just reading this post i can see how tired and stressed you are. You dont deserve this, and honestly its the worst combination a guy with no understanding and family that barely treats with the basics. When you get married – i cant imagine how theyll treat you. Theyll expect you to pitch in your money for them. Even imagining having this controlling life scares me.
>I don’t know I can go through with it
Then don’t. Do not sink another penny into it. Certainly do not pay for the uncle’s flight (wtf?). Your fiance doesn’t have your back. He is not your partner in all this. Partners support each other.
Move back in with your parents for a while. Find a new job and make a new life for yourself. The weight you will feel lifted off your shoulders will be immense and the freedom you will feel will make it worth it. You cannot go into this marriage with a selfish, dismissive man who will not put you first in any way.
It’s not too late to back out. With all you’ve said, this is not the man for you. Time to walk away, and let his family use him as a doormat if they want to. You’ve done enough — now start living for you.
It’s ChatGPT again. Look at all the dashes – a sure sign. Also, it doesn’t make sense. She said she secretly married him. If that’s the case, it’s too late🙄
Nah cancel it. The fact you’ve even had to come on here to express all this, deep down you know the answer. Break away, you only get one life. Live it for you not him! Be happy and free, guarantee you left today .. visit this post in 12 months and reflect how positive your life would have become!
Cancel everything. Claim your peace back.
I’m guessing there are some cultural issues at play here as well as the crappy unfulfilling relationship.
You don’t have to do this. Get out now. It’ll be messy and ugly but on the other side you’ll be able to breathe. I repeat: you don’t have to do this.
You already know what to do.
Cancel the shame wedding and divorce the cousin boinking loser. Plain and simple.
You say you love him, why don’t you love yourself? You are his nurse and purse, never his partner. I agree with others – time to quit and find someone who loves you truly.
You are already married. Have you not told anyone? Why was it a secret?
Oh god don’t marry him. Whatever you have spent which you will lose by cancelling isn’t worth the cost of marriage and then divorce.
You secretly married him, so it’s really a question of whether to spend money on a wedding ceremony or spend money on a divorce. He’s already your husband in the eyes of the law.
Are you sure he hasn’t kept you around all this time to use you for many reasons? It sounds like all he does is take and never give. Marrying him for citizenship, tale as old as time. 10 years of your life wasted is long enough. It’s time to start living for you. Go find your happiness.
The question is would you rather spend the rest of your life feeling like that
Or would you rather split and take that time to build and grow for yourself.
You can still love someone and still not want to live like that.
You can want the best for yourself and still worry about the other person.
There’s a huge difference between
Not knowing if you can go through with it
Vs
I’m nervous
Honestly if you’re in such doubt then trust your gut.
The gift of fear is such a good book and it teaches you to listen to your instincts/intuition
Cancel the wedding and do couples counseling til you figure out if it is worth saving.
Leave. It won’t get better, you’ll just have a massive debt and divorce to deal with.
It’s never too late to choose a different path. Please focus on your needs, and your dreams. You have a chance here to move forward unencumbered by other people’s expectations and needs. Will there be upset? You betcha. But will like be better for it in the long run? Absolutely. I believe in you, OP!
Can’t go through with the wedding? Too late friend. You’re already married
So… why exactly are you getting married again? Like, do you feel like you won’t ever be able to find someone else? Is the sex 10/10? Are you all head over heels in love? I’m not getting it. 10 years is a lot of time to deal with this. And if he’s middle eastern, when you get married it’s gonna get a lot worse.
Too much, too long, too cruel. Leave immediately. You will never be happy there, and you will find someone who treats you well. I promise.
Wait, so you’re already married? You secretly married him to keep him from being deported. Why have a big ceremony for no real reason. Don’t do it!! 🚩
Run. Idc if you lose everything you need to fucking RUN
It’s never too late to back out. For your own sanity, you can’t go through with it. So what, you’ve been dealing with this for ten years. The thought of having to deal with it another twenty or thirty years should be enough to make you understand that this is not the life you want.
Jet out of there. Pronto. He is invalidating which screams controlling. A marriage is supposed to be the mingling of two lives not the shift of one life to be silent while the other takes control. That is never ok. Not one thing that you express should be ignored and would not be ignored by the right person for you. He sounds like he needs to stay single.
Breaking off my six year relationship was the best thing I ever did. I was in pretty deep but I knew I needed out. I simply bailed- packed up and moved out, cut ties, lost friends. It was the best decision I ever made. I am significantly better off and much happier than I have ever been.
If you’re worried about what people will think, or what he’ll say, or how you’ll have to defend your decision, don’t. You don’t owe anyone anything. Show him this post if you want. You can tell him whatever you want, or nothing at all. You don’t have to talk your way out of this. Nobody gets to try and convince you to be unhappy for the rest of your life. Fuck ’em.
It will be hard until you actually do it, and then you’ll realize how easy it actually is to move on with your life. It feels impossible right now because there are all these strings and you’re carrying so much, but as you begin snipping those strings and dropping those weights, you’ll feel physically lighter, braver, unstoppable. I’m looking forward to that for you. You’re going to have an amazing rest of your life 🙂
INFO: So are you already married? You don’t need to do a big ceremony then. Especially if it’s adding to your stress. But if you already secretly married, well, you’re married.
You really want a life time of this? Idk if you are planning for children, but do you want children being brought into this dynamic? If your answer is no, get out. Better to be free than chained even more time to this man and his family. Take it from me who was in one for 4 years. And honestly, compared to you, doesn’t even sound as bad(except mine was cheating). Yours sounds like drowning. Yes, it’s a lot of years to spend on a man, and yes, leaving is scary and being alone can be scary. But better that than living the hell hole you are living now. And it will get better and brighter.
Get yourself back on your feet by getting a job and leave him.
Don’t go through with it.
Also if you’re already legally married, get a divorce and go no contact.
You’ve already wasted too much time on him.
Call off the wedding. Lawyer up.
10 years and not once did you have enough self respect/ esteem to recognise the red flags and walk away. This is wild!
I feel for you, but what was going through your mind during these 10 years. Did you really think it would get better?!
Call a divorce lawyer. Life’s too short and at the same time too long to be this miserable for someone who doesn’t even see you. Wtf
I would divorce him- if he went therapy it didn’t work and if he didn’t go, why not? Why not work on his excuses when things don’t go his way, why not work on being stronger and able to stand against the wrong his family does? I wouldn’t want to hear him complain or make excuses about his shitty family when I’m bringing up my concerns and anything about the mistreatment. In fact I’d just drop the rope on his family and not engage or have them in my space or home. I’ll stop covering for him, bailing him out of trouble and I’d definitely stop supporting his visa or his family visiting visas. Are you sure he didn’t just use you for your kind caring heart, you giving things for him and his family, his visa, your finances and a better life. I’d report him as a romantic scam to get visa and divorce him. I wouldn’t go along with wedding and save myself and family money. I would kick him out my home and take joy in telling his family that disrespected you to F’ off.
Girl, you already married him, it’s kinda late for cold feet. Personally, the last thing I would ever do is pay thousands of dollars on a wedding (and I’m not even married yet) so do it or don’t, but I am very confused that your hesitation is over the marriage part (which is pointless because YOU ARE MARRIED ALREADY) instead of wasting soooo much money.
I can feel the exhaustion through the post, and honestly, like the others said, if it’s all cons and no pros, if you don’t see the relationship improving with your spouse and a way to manage his family.. then you need to make sure you’re not subjecting yourself to a personal hell on earth.
If you have a close and trusted girlfriend, talk to her, discuss your thought process, and make a decision soon. All the best. Good luck.
You are feeling trapped in the sunk cost fallacy. Flip it around, you’ve already spent years like this, do you want this for the rest of your life? Yes, cancelling is a huge financial & emotional loss. It is more or less than what a failed or permanently miserable married life? I’d leave because this doesn’t sound like cold feet, it sounds like fear. Every breath you take is a chance to change the trajectory of your life. How many more chances at happiness will pass you by if you stay as you are? Regardless of what you choose your life is about to go through a massive permanent change that will take time, energy, & money. Spend it wisely.
Nothing will change after the wedding reception, it will only get worse and more complicated plus a waste of money. Cut your losses and make the break you know you need to make. Believe in yourself, you are strong, you just have to believe it.