I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get messages from people I care about and I still don’t reply. I read them, even smile sometimes, but I just… don’t answer. Not because I don’t want to, but because something in me freezes. Like even saying “I’m good” is too much. I cancel plans, I avoid calls, I lie and say I’m busy when I’m just laying in bed doing absolutely nothing. And then I hate myself for it.
I miss people. I miss feeling connected. But I keep doing this over and over. I say I’ll reply later. I don’t. I open the chat again. I type something. Then I delete it. Then I stare at it for ten minutes and close the app like that solves anything.
And the worst part is I’m always online. I scroll through Instagram, Reddit, TikTok for hours. I watch stories, read comments, like random posts. But I don’t post. I don’t comment. I don’t exist in any of it. I’m just… watching. Like I’m floating around in everyone else’s lives and mine is just stuck.
My parents are both gone. They died a few years ago. And I don’t think I’ve ever fully come back from that. Some days it hits me like they just left yesterday. Other days it’s just a quiet ache in the background. But it changed something in me. Made everything feel heavier. Smaller. Quieter.
I have siblings. We still talk, sometimes. But I ghost them too. And then I miss them. And then I ignore them again. It makes no sense. I want to feel close to people, but when they get close I panic. I shut down. And then I’m alone again. And it hurts. And I do it again anyway.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I’m not depressed exactly. Or maybe I am, I don’t even know anymore. I just feel like I’m fading. Like I’m here, but not really in anything.
If anyone else feels this way… you’re not alone. I swear you’re not. I don’t have answers. But I’m still here. And maybe that’s something.
TL;DR: I ignore messages, isolate myself, scroll for hours, miss people but still push them away. My parents are gone and I haven’t felt right since. I feel like I’m slowly disappearing.
Comments
Been there and not to the fullest extent to your point but it will take practice to get back to your normal self. Replying to your closest friend or family member will be your best bet first. Explain to them your situation like you have the internet(us) and let them know how it is, how you feel. They will understand, they love you. Its a habit you have to break, remember that its a drug you are addicted to, dopamine hits.. no other generation has had this problem as bad as this one. Im free. Hit me up if you want my advice just trying to help out
OP, I think it’s best you communicate this with someone you feel easier to talk to.
For example, I am quite close with my siblings, if you are as well I would recommend you to gather your courage and send them a link to your post, explaining it is you.
Yes, it might sound cringe, yes it’s a big and hard step. But maybe it will give you a start.
Another big point is, you need therapy. Not in the sense of scrolling through somewhere and figuring it out on your own, but actual therapy. You say you don’t think that you are depressed, but this, in my eyes, is a bit further then the start of a depression.
Make a regular meet-up with someone. In person. No phone, no nothing, just a day in the week, exact same time and place and talk. Try to keep your phone away for the whole time. Do something fun.
I noticed that social media was eating me as well, so I put app timers on. They were a struggle at first but now I am online just 1-2 hours.
The most important part is, speak up, it’s hard but it’s worth it.