If I (45M) could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be this: never get involved with someone who doesn’t have at least one genuine hobby or interest of their own. Too often, I’ve found myself expected to be the solution to someone else’s boredom—and that gets old fast.
Make sure you actually like the person your with because marriage won’t fix anything and kids although great are a big strain on a relationship until everyone adjusts to the change and even then date nights and alone time significantly decreases
Hmm, with my first marriage I regret that I prioritized looks which ultimately ended up in misery and divorce.
For my 2nd and current marriage of 17 years? Absolutely nothing. It’s amazing and I cherish my wife and family.
So I guess my advice would be, choose someone you could see yourself being lifelong best friends with. Looks don’t mean anything when you don’t like a person.
No regrets on anything about marriage, best decision I ever made. I got married later in life than most (35), but it’s been great. Have fun when you’re single, enjoy going out, partying, dating, one night stands, whatever you’re into, but that said, when you find that special person, life is great. Best piece of advice I can give is find that person who you want to spend every waking moment with and it’ll never be a regret.
Not a single regret and I got married super young (20). We are still together (both 33) and very happy with our son (4). I honestly can’t think of a single regret.
My driving instructor told me some 26 years ago: “you roll the dice twice- once for the parents you’ll be born to, and once for the person you’ll spend your life with. You still have a shot!”
Then he flipped through files of the girls he was instructing and tried to pick who I should be paired with for the next “double session.”
The man created half the couples in my neighborhood, somehow.
I’m married with children and I love my wife and my boys dearly. But she can leave and l would be financially devastated. It’s nightmare fuel to think about but it’s a reality that is not far fetched. While I would survive, my quality of life would be diminished. I know this sounds terrible but it’s something that people don’t like to talk about.
However, if you can get an ironclad prenuptial agreement, then sure, go for it. You are entering an binding legal agreement that can leave you devastated without protection. I know it doesn’t sound romantic but it’s reality.
I don’t have any regrets but, if you’re with someone, make sure you truly know what kind of person they are and make sure they want the same things in life as them. If you have doubts about either, don’t marry them.
Choose being single over having the wrong woman in your life. Red flags should never be ignored. Don’t be manipulated by those women. Don’t get trapped.
I met her too early. It was when I was in school, very awkward, somewhat of a creep, and had no relationship experience. Life was great, but I always had a nagging feeling that I missed out on something.
Have fun, date a bit, see what’s out there.
Now I’m on the other side, and dating is tough. I never really learned to date because a friend set me and my wife up. So maybe i didn’t miss out on much.
Not being more mature before getting married. 25 years later, I’m still in trouble occasionally for saying or doing something stupid over 20 years ago.
Learn to love yourself before you try to love another, Set fair boundaries and communicate. I had to learn all of this by trial and error and in the process I realized I wasn’t being a great partner.
There are things you need to make sure you’re going to agree on when you get there. How will you save/spent money? How firm/soft do you expect to be with your children? How are you going to compromise when you disagree?
No regrets here but my advice is communicate. Honest and open communication is essential in a long term relationship. Neither of you should ever have to wonder where you stand with the other.
Marry someone who is loyal, genuine, humble, doesn’t constantly need validation from outside world (particularly looks-wise), and perhaps most importantly, someone who is your biggest fan, no matter what you’re going through.
I [38M] just celebrating my first wedding anniversary. I have no regrets and I couldn’t be any happier. There’s only two pieces of advice I’ll offer. Make sure you guys are on the same page when it comes to finance. Secondly, don’t get together with a person who isn’t willing to split the chores around the house.
When you get into a relationship you need to be honest by what you need and want. If you need three meals a day make sure that’s known up front. If you need a shoulder to cry on every Friday? Make sure that’s there. If you need a lot of sex? Make sure they are okay with it.
Also everything comes in waves. There will be times the stress of life gets everyone down. Be patient, understanding, and compassionate.
Also, don’t be held hostage by someone else’s trauma. Too often people will control and manipulate their spouse by conflated trauma. Their trauma maybe impactful. However, it’s not your trauma.
44 here. Together with the wife, 14 years. 10 years married. 2 kids. Split 5 years (my call)
It takes between 3-5 years for full on crazy to present. Please spend at least that time living together before you get engaged. Marriage is not a solution to anything nor something that “will make her happy finally” and it should never be perceived as such.
Only get married to someone who isn’t including it as part of the deal of being together and do not, DO NOT offer it as a declaration of loyalty even if you’ve done nothing wrong. That’s a bad road.
By all means, it’s super cool to want to get married and to have that as a goal but in the end it’s a piece of paper, a few signatures, an expensive party with pics, and a whole lotta trouble if it unfortunately turns sour.
You two should be so damn cool and chill together that you can should be fucking honest, without effort or fear, even if it’s not what they want to hear, and that should also be really easy and flowing in BOTH directions.
Accept it now that you both suck somewhere in life and how you both deal with that with each other is important.
Omg, I could keep going but I wanna get back to my Forza
I’m not a man but I know my husband really appreciates my introspection and determination. Whenever I hold conversations about our growth, both as individuals and as a team, and how we can make things better, I see him fall in love a little bit more. Having the ability to not only be insightful but do something about those observations is apparently a turn on lol.
Treat your wife like the most precious person. One day in the future one of you may receive some bad or really bad news. It could be getting fired. Maybe you get cancer. Your parents gets dementia. I’m saying shit is going to be stressful as fuck. You may feel alone against the universe.
Know your wife may be feeling these things too. Stick close to her. When shit gets hard double down with her. Look her in the eyes and tell her with certainty you are a team in this journey. Don’t fuck it up. One day you might both get to 80 and you’ll have done well. Few regrets there imo
In my experience, “don’t go to sleep angry” doesn’t work. Sometimes sleep is good for an argument. And sometimes not! But most times, yes. You may have to sleep on the couch, but cmon, sometimes that not so bad
My advice would be to live with your partner for at least 6 months before considering marriage. Even if you “practically live together”, actually living together is different and will be an adjustment.
That might sound scarier than I meant it to. It worked out for me and we’re happy together, but looking back this is what washed away any doubt. I know plenty of friends/acquaintances that didn’t live together before marriage and many spend some time worrying during the adjustment period. Almost always worked out fine, but yeah
We just celebrated 14 years of marriage. I don’t have any regrets to share, thankfully, but I still have advice.
Be kind. Always. No matter what. I don’t mean nice, and I don’t mean polite (although you should be that, too). Nice is skin deep. Kind is selfless. Kind is never sayin anything with malice, with the intent to hurt your partner. It is the two of you versus the world, and the world says and does plenty to hurt your partner. Don’t pile on. You’re the safe space.
Sometimes you’ll have to swallow your anger, maybe even your pride, but you will never regret not hurting your partner. You will absolutely regret the hurt you see in their eyes, and the long, silent, fitful night that will follow.
But you have to communicate. People lash out when things have been stewing, and the anger boils over. Communicate your thoughts regularly; don’t suffer in silence until you blow up. But that doesn’t mean be impulsive or to provide all feedback in real time. Do not listen to your great-aunt’s advice at your wedding; do go to bed angry. You’ll be shocked how much easier it is to discuss and resolve an issue after a night’s rest and with a cooler head.
Some guys make jokes, but my-wife-is-my-best-friend guy is happier and more loved than they’ll ever know. He’s the luckiest man on Earth.
Some will say “but what if your partner doesn’t reciprocate?” To that I say I think you have the wrong partner. If one teammate never passes the ball, you’re not a good team.
Marrying a woman who had a child already. Mostly because I have children now with her and it seems wrong to focus on another child ever when she has 2 parents and I have 2 children who need me too.
Also, marry someone with a personality. My wife’s only interests when we met were watching reality tv and nagging everyone. Thankfully that has changed but boy was it tough before she found an interest in a hobby.
Happily married for 12 years with no regrets, but here is my advice:
Marry a woman who brings peace, not chaos. Your relationship should be your refuge, not your source of stress.
Have open, honest conversations about finances. Does she carry significant student debt? Can she budget? Does she know how to save and live within her means? Financial habits matter.
Discuss family expectations early on. What support can her parents offer—and what are they not able (or willing) to do? Clear boundaries here prevent future conflict.
Talk openly about divorce—yes, really. Understand how each of you views commitment, failure, and what happens if things don’t work out. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s responsible.
My 2nd marriage is going well. My 1st, obviously, did not.
“We never fight” isn’t necessarily a good thing. Unspoken or unaddressed differences build resentment. Civility might be preferred over conflict, but sometimes conflict is the only way you two can learn and grow. So both of you should agree to fight for what you want, and support one another to do so.
Also, you can’t convince anyone to love you. No amount of accommodating or appeasing your partner will make them love you more or suddenly convince them to treat you in a way that makes you feel loved.
We all MUST feel loved. Sometimes that’s said out loud, sometimes it’s actions, sometimes it energy or attentiveness, or sometimes it’s support. But you need to understand what makes you feel loved, and understand what makes your partner feel loved. Communicate these things if you can, but they can change over time or situationally too.
Any important points of life, goals, or agreements are worth re-affirming and discussing regularly. Hopefully you both share a love and enthusiasm for these things, but at the least there should be understanding and support
Do not take (or give) promises to fix/change things after marriage. You have to be happy with the person as they are. Chances are they will not change, and they will always have excuses to justify that.
Not any regrets, but I got advice. Married man (39) for 10 years, together for 17, and no fights so far.
My advice would be communication. At a certain age, you’re considered an adult, and as such, one should behave as one. Being able to communicate is something an adult should be able to. I talk to my wife All the time, and I also vent issues before they become a problem. Not agreeing and having discussions is normal, and that’s how you find the golden middle lane. After a while, it’s get easier because you get to really know each other, and can adjust to it before even having to talk about it.
Find someone with similar values as yourself. You don’t need to agree on everything, or have common interests. But your base values should align. Me and my wife have same views on life. We have some similar interests too, but there’s way more we don’t share interests in. We’re also two very different personalities.
Both should be prepared to compromise, and realise that admitting wrong, isn’t a loss.
And for new couples. After the initial love, and the hormon rush starts to fade out (usually within the 1.yesr), the real work starts. The initial love will eventually fade, and that’s something both should be aware of, and being prepared by having built a solid foundation for your relationship comes a long way.
Expectation. Do not go into a relationship expecting your wife to do certain things. Sometimes, you will have to cover. For example there may be days where your wife will be sick and you expect her to still cook and clean take care of the kids Etc. Or you may have high expectations for certain things.
Go into it realizing the whole world is against you, and for you. Make sure she has your back and will be with you, because most women won’t hesitate to manipulate any situation against you. Won’t say it’s guaranteed, but realize if your in the states culture doesn’t care if your an amazing person, just if your female.
Anything that annoys you (even a little) when you first are getting to know someone will only get worse over time if they’re not willing to work with you (or vice versa) on the issue(s).
The more authentic you are, the easier it is to find the right fit. But this only works if both people are being genuine. You don’t know if your partner is playing a game. It can take years to find that out. It’s easier if you share a household before marriage.
There are some core values where you should never compromise.
Of course, the best option might be no marriage at all. The probability of divorce is high, and as a man, you take all the disadvantages. So, if you do decide to marry, it’s best to marry within your wealth class or higher.
So many advices here. I’ll share a very small advice I wish I knew before getting married: know what kind of life you want to have.
I got married when I was 25, divorced by 37 – I’m 40. She had her own struggles, I had mine, eventually we drift apart.
When I got married I didn’t know what kind of life I wanted to have. What kind of routine I wanted to have, what would keep myself motivated, what was the driven force behind my ambition, how frequently I wanted to have sex, when I would want kids, how much I wanted to save every month, what kind of friends I didn’t want close to me, what kind of hobbies were non-negotiable, what were my non-negotiable in relationships, how frequently I wanted to visit my family, how often I wanted to travel, visit bars, live music, sing, etc…
everything that fulfils my life today I didn’t know (exactly) that I needed at the time. Deep down, I wanted to get married by 30. I wanted to have kids by 35, but ended up having when I was almost 29. I became a business owner when the opportunity came (on my 29, yeah 😅), when the company grew from 3 to 65 employees I moved to another company (where I was invited to become the number 2) by the time I had my second kid… I was lucky to be hired by a company on the other side of the world and took my whole family here…
But… none of that was thoroughly planned. As you might expect balance expectations in my relationship was not easy. Eventually, she move on to another person (she has her reasons), and I found myself feeling terrible: my life didn’t have any guardrails to support me when she left. I had only a handful of friends – all of which had their own lives and problems. At some point I was suicidal, pretending to work and feeling as disposable and useless as a piece of garbage in the bin.
Knowing what I enjoy in life was key to bounce back. I learnt how to enjoy solitude and stopped feeling lonely. I learnt that I need socialising at least 2 times a week. I figured that I loved music much more than I thought – so I decided to visit live events weekly. I also found myself enjoying gym, football, volleyball, surfing, skating, and lots of outdoors things – just like I used to in my first 5 years of marriage. I realised that I’m a person that love deep convos over chit chats, even if that reduce my level of socialisation.
Recently, I’ve been happy and (almost) content with my life. I finally designed a lifestyle that suits well me and my kids (that lives w me 50% of the time). Once I figured the life I enjoyed, I noticed that my circle of friends changed and now they suit my needs more. The women I dated were very well alighted with my intentions in life, and my dynamic w my family (especially my dad) improved drastically.
There’s nothing like being accountable for your own life. It’s hard, took me 3 valuable years of my life, and I wish my dad have given me this advice when I was 16 (when I started working).
That after many years, I quit taking care of myself first and instead focused everything on us as a team. That ended up slowly leading to more and more compromises that didn’t need to happen and I lost a part of myself along the way. And because I was more team orientated I wasn’t the, I take care of myself first and lead, type person she fell in love with and it led to a lot of unhappy years for both of us. I didn’t have as much professional progression since she was all over it, way more ambitious than I am and so we moved a lot for her career. And the last move was a place that I was breaking a promise to myself by moving to, but her career came first, it shouldn’t have. I made that promise for a reason and breaking it lead to a lot of pain for both of us and wound up with her going from being an amazing partner to an abusive bitch because we were both miserable and she blamed me for her misery. I blamed the place and her broken promise to get the fuck out. If I had still been the person she fell for, we never would have moved there and we’d probably still be married. 🤷 At this point, we’ve spent 15 years together most of them great but we will never talk again and my life is worse for putting her career above mine, I fucked myself.
No matter how much fun she can be, complicated women don’t get easier over time. Avoid the complicated.
Find someone that is fine with having no money, no plans and being lazy with you. If they constantly have to be on the move and entertained the strain this will create as you get older will add up to problems.
If you’re out with your friends, at work or doing something as simple as taking a walk and your brain constantly wanders to a place where it would be more fun if she was with you. She’s the one for you. It works the opposite way as well. If you’re doing those things and thankful she’s not there to add stress, run away.
Comments
I don’t think married men are on Reddit. That’s their regret
If I (45M) could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be this: never get involved with someone who doesn’t have at least one genuine hobby or interest of their own. Too often, I’ve found myself expected to be the solution to someone else’s boredom—and that gets old fast.
Make sure you actually like the person your with because marriage won’t fix anything and kids although great are a big strain on a relationship until everyone adjusts to the change and even then date nights and alone time significantly decreases
Hmm, with my first marriage I regret that I prioritized looks which ultimately ended up in misery and divorce.
For my 2nd and current marriage of 17 years? Absolutely nothing. It’s amazing and I cherish my wife and family.
So I guess my advice would be, choose someone you could see yourself being lifelong best friends with. Looks don’t mean anything when you don’t like a person.
No regrets on anything about marriage, best decision I ever made. I got married later in life than most (35), but it’s been great. Have fun when you’re single, enjoy going out, partying, dating, one night stands, whatever you’re into, but that said, when you find that special person, life is great. Best piece of advice I can give is find that person who you want to spend every waking moment with and it’ll never be a regret.
Not a regret, but make sure you marry someone who is complete, happy, and whole on their own.
“You complete me” is a recipe for disaster.
Not a single regret and I got married super young (20). We are still together (both 33) and very happy with our son (4). I honestly can’t think of a single regret.
My driving instructor told me some 26 years ago: “you roll the dice twice- once for the parents you’ll be born to, and once for the person you’ll spend your life with. You still have a shot!”
Then he flipped through files of the girls he was instructing and tried to pick who I should be paired with for the next “double session.”
The man created half the couples in my neighborhood, somehow.
Don’t.
I’m married with children and I love my wife and my boys dearly. But she can leave and l would be financially devastated. It’s nightmare fuel to think about but it’s a reality that is not far fetched. While I would survive, my quality of life would be diminished. I know this sounds terrible but it’s something that people don’t like to talk about.
However, if you can get an ironclad prenuptial agreement, then sure, go for it. You are entering an binding legal agreement that can leave you devastated without protection. I know it doesn’t sound romantic but it’s reality.
I don’t have any regrets but, if you’re with someone, make sure you truly know what kind of person they are and make sure they want the same things in life as them. If you have doubts about either, don’t marry them.
Never marry a woman expecting her to be the same person in 20 years.
Choose being single over having the wrong woman in your life. Red flags should never be ignored. Don’t be manipulated by those women. Don’t get trapped.
Dont rush it. Date at least 2 years before. At least! You will see most of what you need to see.
Don’t marry someone (or stay with someone) based on the potential you see in them. They need to be right for you as they currently are
I met her too early. It was when I was in school, very awkward, somewhat of a creep, and had no relationship experience. Life was great, but I always had a nagging feeling that I missed out on something.
Have fun, date a bit, see what’s out there.
Now I’m on the other side, and dating is tough. I never really learned to date because a friend set me and my wife up. So maybe i didn’t miss out on much.
Read up on how it will affect you during tax season
doing it in the first place??
Not really getting to know her before we got married.
Not being more mature before getting married. 25 years later, I’m still in trouble occasionally for saying or doing something stupid over 20 years ago.
Learn to love yourself before you try to love another, Set fair boundaries and communicate. I had to learn all of this by trial and error and in the process I realized I wasn’t being a great partner.
There are things you need to make sure you’re going to agree on when you get there. How will you save/spent money? How firm/soft do you expect to be with your children? How are you going to compromise when you disagree?
I don’t regret anything, but that’s because she’s my best friend. Find someone who you too can consider your best friend.
No regrets here but my advice is communicate. Honest and open communication is essential in a long term relationship. Neither of you should ever have to wonder where you stand with the other.
I regret that finances play a part. The worst arguments my wife and I have ever had in 35 years of marriage were about money.
Opt for the king-sized bed as early in the relationship as possible, even if you both technically fit in a queen. You’ll sleep so much better.
Marry someone who is loyal, genuine, humble, doesn’t constantly need validation from outside world (particularly looks-wise), and perhaps most importantly, someone who is your biggest fan, no matter what you’re going through.
I [38M] just celebrating my first wedding anniversary. I have no regrets and I couldn’t be any happier. There’s only two pieces of advice I’ll offer. Make sure you guys are on the same page when it comes to finance. Secondly, don’t get together with a person who isn’t willing to split the chores around the house.
Not proposing sooner.
When you get into a relationship you need to be honest by what you need and want. If you need three meals a day make sure that’s known up front. If you need a shoulder to cry on every Friday? Make sure that’s there. If you need a lot of sex? Make sure they are okay with it.
Also everything comes in waves. There will be times the stress of life gets everyone down. Be patient, understanding, and compassionate.
Also, don’t be held hostage by someone else’s trauma. Too often people will control and manipulate their spouse by conflated trauma. Their trauma maybe impactful. However, it’s not your trauma.
Someone who likes you for you, and you smile together
44 here. Together with the wife, 14 years. 10 years married. 2 kids. Split 5 years (my call)
It takes between 3-5 years for full on crazy to present. Please spend at least that time living together before you get engaged. Marriage is not a solution to anything nor something that “will make her happy finally” and it should never be perceived as such.
Only get married to someone who isn’t including it as part of the deal of being together and do not, DO NOT offer it as a declaration of loyalty even if you’ve done nothing wrong. That’s a bad road.
By all means, it’s super cool to want to get married and to have that as a goal but in the end it’s a piece of paper, a few signatures, an expensive party with pics, and a whole lotta trouble if it unfortunately turns sour.
You two should be so damn cool and chill together that you can should be fucking honest, without effort or fear, even if it’s not what they want to hear, and that should also be really easy and flowing in BOTH directions.
Accept it now that you both suck somewhere in life and how you both deal with that with each other is important.
Omg, I could keep going but I wanna get back to my Forza
Those are my two cents
Don’t get involved with someone with daddy issues. Why? Because this person will inevitably project that garbage onto you.
Be compatible in,
noise levels (also how loud they talk etc)
Wether or not they want kids,
They are financially independent and have no plans to stop work (barring kids)
they are able to occupy themselves and have interests other than yours.
happy to spend time alone and leave you to spend time alone.
difference in religion/non religious, politics etc.
All these should match.
I’m not a man but I know my husband really appreciates my introspection and determination. Whenever I hold conversations about our growth, both as individuals and as a team, and how we can make things better, I see him fall in love a little bit more. Having the ability to not only be insightful but do something about those observations is apparently a turn on lol.
Treat your wife like the most precious person. One day in the future one of you may receive some bad or really bad news. It could be getting fired. Maybe you get cancer. Your parents gets dementia. I’m saying shit is going to be stressful as fuck. You may feel alone against the universe.
Know your wife may be feeling these things too. Stick close to her. When shit gets hard double down with her. Look her in the eyes and tell her with certainty you are a team in this journey. Don’t fuck it up. One day you might both get to 80 and you’ll have done well. Few regrets there imo
In my experience, “don’t go to sleep angry” doesn’t work. Sometimes sleep is good for an argument. And sometimes not! But most times, yes. You may have to sleep on the couch, but cmon, sometimes that not so bad
My advice would be to live with your partner for at least 6 months before considering marriage. Even if you “practically live together”, actually living together is different and will be an adjustment.
That might sound scarier than I meant it to. It worked out for me and we’re happy together, but looking back this is what washed away any doubt. I know plenty of friends/acquaintances that didn’t live together before marriage and many spend some time worrying during the adjustment period. Almost always worked out fine, but yeah
Girls play at sex to get love, boys play at love to get sex.
My biggest regret is that I can sometimes be an asshole to the woman who has stuck with me through thick and thin and always has my back.
We just celebrated 14 years of marriage. I don’t have any regrets to share, thankfully, but I still have advice.
Be kind. Always. No matter what. I don’t mean nice, and I don’t mean polite (although you should be that, too). Nice is skin deep. Kind is selfless. Kind is never sayin anything with malice, with the intent to hurt your partner. It is the two of you versus the world, and the world says and does plenty to hurt your partner. Don’t pile on. You’re the safe space.
Sometimes you’ll have to swallow your anger, maybe even your pride, but you will never regret not hurting your partner. You will absolutely regret the hurt you see in their eyes, and the long, silent, fitful night that will follow.
But you have to communicate. People lash out when things have been stewing, and the anger boils over. Communicate your thoughts regularly; don’t suffer in silence until you blow up. But that doesn’t mean be impulsive or to provide all feedback in real time. Do not listen to your great-aunt’s advice at your wedding; do go to bed angry. You’ll be shocked how much easier it is to discuss and resolve an issue after a night’s rest and with a cooler head.
Some guys make jokes, but my-wife-is-my-best-friend guy is happier and more loved than they’ll ever know. He’s the luckiest man on Earth.
Some will say “but what if your partner doesn’t reciprocate?” To that I say I think you have the wrong partner. If one teammate never passes the ball, you’re not a good team.
Getting married
Never settle down for less
Marrying a woman who had a child already. Mostly because I have children now with her and it seems wrong to focus on another child ever when she has 2 parents and I have 2 children who need me too.
Also, marry someone with a personality. My wife’s only interests when we met were watching reality tv and nagging everyone. Thankfully that has changed but boy was it tough before she found an interest in a hobby.
The lack of personal space
Not so much a regret as we’ve worked thru it now but I’d say when they say do marriage counseling before you get married- yes that’s a good idea.
Happily married for 12 years with no regrets, but here is my advice:
Not marrying her sooner.
My 2nd marriage is going well. My 1st, obviously, did not.
“We never fight” isn’t necessarily a good thing. Unspoken or unaddressed differences build resentment. Civility might be preferred over conflict, but sometimes conflict is the only way you two can learn and grow. So both of you should agree to fight for what you want, and support one another to do so.
Also, you can’t convince anyone to love you. No amount of accommodating or appeasing your partner will make them love you more or suddenly convince them to treat you in a way that makes you feel loved.
We all MUST feel loved. Sometimes that’s said out loud, sometimes it’s actions, sometimes it energy or attentiveness, or sometimes it’s support. But you need to understand what makes you feel loved, and understand what makes your partner feel loved. Communicate these things if you can, but they can change over time or situationally too.
Any important points of life, goals, or agreements are worth re-affirming and discussing regularly. Hopefully you both share a love and enthusiasm for these things, but at the least there should be understanding and support
Marry the person you want to be with, not the person you hope they might change into one day.
Do not take (or give) promises to fix/change things after marriage. You have to be happy with the person as they are. Chances are they will not change, and they will always have excuses to justify that.
Not any regrets, but I got advice. Married man (39) for 10 years, together for 17, and no fights so far.
My advice would be communication. At a certain age, you’re considered an adult, and as such, one should behave as one. Being able to communicate is something an adult should be able to. I talk to my wife All the time, and I also vent issues before they become a problem. Not agreeing and having discussions is normal, and that’s how you find the golden middle lane. After a while, it’s get easier because you get to really know each other, and can adjust to it before even having to talk about it.
Find someone with similar values as yourself. You don’t need to agree on everything, or have common interests. But your base values should align. Me and my wife have same views on life. We have some similar interests too, but there’s way more we don’t share interests in. We’re also two very different personalities.
Both should be prepared to compromise, and realise that admitting wrong, isn’t a loss.
And for new couples. After the initial love, and the hormon rush starts to fade out (usually within the 1.yesr), the real work starts. The initial love will eventually fade, and that’s something both should be aware of, and being prepared by having built a solid foundation for your relationship comes a long way.
Good luck young ones!
Expectation. Do not go into a relationship expecting your wife to do certain things. Sometimes, you will have to cover. For example there may be days where your wife will be sick and you expect her to still cook and clean take care of the kids Etc. Or you may have high expectations for certain things.
I have no regrets but I waited to mid30
Go into it realizing the whole world is against you, and for you. Make sure she has your back and will be with you, because most women won’t hesitate to manipulate any situation against you. Won’t say it’s guaranteed, but realize if your in the states culture doesn’t care if your an amazing person, just if your female.
Marriage is no problem, i regret nothing. Getting kids is more the kind of deep cut in life which changes everything.
Not knowing how to communicate until it was 7 years in. I wish that was learned 1 year before marriage. We are great now, but 7 and less was hard.
If the sex ain’t good, don’t marry or get kids.
Anything that annoys you (even a little) when you first are getting to know someone will only get worse over time if they’re not willing to work with you (or vice versa) on the issue(s).
The more authentic you are, the easier it is to find the right fit. But this only works if both people are being genuine. You don’t know if your partner is playing a game. It can take years to find that out. It’s easier if you share a household before marriage.
There are some core values where you should never compromise.
Of course, the best option might be no marriage at all. The probability of divorce is high, and as a man, you take all the disadvantages. So, if you do decide to marry, it’s best to marry within your wealth class or higher.
Especially if you want kids… but pick someone who you would want to raise your kids in any event you weren’t there
Try to work your issues out
Listen to each other
PDA
its ok to have alone time
So many advices here. I’ll share a very small advice I wish I knew before getting married: know what kind of life you want to have.
I got married when I was 25, divorced by 37 – I’m 40. She had her own struggles, I had mine, eventually we drift apart.
When I got married I didn’t know what kind of life I wanted to have. What kind of routine I wanted to have, what would keep myself motivated, what was the driven force behind my ambition, how frequently I wanted to have sex, when I would want kids, how much I wanted to save every month, what kind of friends I didn’t want close to me, what kind of hobbies were non-negotiable, what were my non-negotiable in relationships, how frequently I wanted to visit my family, how often I wanted to travel, visit bars, live music, sing, etc…
everything that fulfils my life today I didn’t know (exactly) that I needed at the time. Deep down, I wanted to get married by 30. I wanted to have kids by 35, but ended up having when I was almost 29. I became a business owner when the opportunity came (on my 29, yeah 😅), when the company grew from 3 to 65 employees I moved to another company (where I was invited to become the number 2) by the time I had my second kid… I was lucky to be hired by a company on the other side of the world and took my whole family here…
But… none of that was thoroughly planned. As you might expect balance expectations in my relationship was not easy. Eventually, she move on to another person (she has her reasons), and I found myself feeling terrible: my life didn’t have any guardrails to support me when she left. I had only a handful of friends – all of which had their own lives and problems. At some point I was suicidal, pretending to work and feeling as disposable and useless as a piece of garbage in the bin.
Knowing what I enjoy in life was key to bounce back. I learnt how to enjoy solitude and stopped feeling lonely. I learnt that I need socialising at least 2 times a week. I figured that I loved music much more than I thought – so I decided to visit live events weekly. I also found myself enjoying gym, football, volleyball, surfing, skating, and lots of outdoors things – just like I used to in my first 5 years of marriage. I realised that I’m a person that love deep convos over chit chats, even if that reduce my level of socialisation.
Recently, I’ve been happy and (almost) content with my life. I finally designed a lifestyle that suits well me and my kids (that lives w me 50% of the time). Once I figured the life I enjoyed, I noticed that my circle of friends changed and now they suit my needs more. The women I dated were very well alighted with my intentions in life, and my dynamic w my family (especially my dad) improved drastically.
There’s nothing like being accountable for your own life. It’s hard, took me 3 valuable years of my life, and I wish my dad have given me this advice when I was 16 (when I started working).
You can’t fix what’s broken. No matter how much you love them.
That after many years, I quit taking care of myself first and instead focused everything on us as a team. That ended up slowly leading to more and more compromises that didn’t need to happen and I lost a part of myself along the way. And because I was more team orientated I wasn’t the, I take care of myself first and lead, type person she fell in love with and it led to a lot of unhappy years for both of us. I didn’t have as much professional progression since she was all over it, way more ambitious than I am and so we moved a lot for her career. And the last move was a place that I was breaking a promise to myself by moving to, but her career came first, it shouldn’t have. I made that promise for a reason and breaking it lead to a lot of pain for both of us and wound up with her going from being an amazing partner to an abusive bitch because we were both miserable and she blamed me for her misery. I blamed the place and her broken promise to get the fuck out. If I had still been the person she fell for, we never would have moved there and we’d probably still be married. 🤷 At this point, we’ve spent 15 years together most of them great but we will never talk again and my life is worse for putting her career above mine, I fucked myself.
A few thoughts.
No matter how much fun she can be, complicated women don’t get easier over time. Avoid the complicated.
Find someone that is fine with having no money, no plans and being lazy with you. If they constantly have to be on the move and entertained the strain this will create as you get older will add up to problems.
If you’re out with your friends, at work or doing something as simple as taking a walk and your brain constantly wanders to a place where it would be more fun if she was with you. She’s the one for you. It works the opposite way as well. If you’re doing those things and thankful she’s not there to add stress, run away.