i shouldn’t have!! i know!! no need to say whoa boundaries.
we’ve been together for over 7 years. i’ve never ever crossed this line. but we were chatting the other day and he showed me a girl’s profile by going to his messages first (silly mistake boys).
of course i had to investigate when he took a shower!!
there aren’t many, but over the last 6 months he’s messaged like 3 girlies for nude massages. his brother is a serial offender for this and got divorced because of it in the fall. my boyfriend has never actually followed through, but the fact that he’s even asking about location/prices is not okay.
i guess my question is what the best way to bring it up??? i tend to be super sassy and my first thought is to print them out then leave them on the counter but is that too little? too much?
basically i want to tell him i know, he shouldn’t be sneaking around, and if it happens again we’re done. but in a way that a man can digest fully – bc being coy and tactful lets be real will go over his head.
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We all agree on your initial plan of printing that stuff.
If he’s willing to do this what else is he willing to do is what you need to ask yourself. This is how infidelity starts. He’s already hiding things from you. What’s next.
If you want to waste another 7 years with someone who is potentially being dishonest be my guest but I’d confront him and say yup went through your phone you’re being sus and I’m not having it. Give him an ultimatum. If you’re ok with him receiving nudes behind your back then do nothing but I wouldn’t be casual about it. There’s nothing casual about deceit and him asking for nudes from other girls behind your back. That’s single boy sht. If he wants to act single make it so for him.
Might as well call him out with the intent to breakup. You violated his privacy, so that is a dealbreaker. He also is in the process of crossing a known redline and basically has crossed it, let’s be honest. That shows he will just get better at hiding it in the future, plus the trust between you both is basically nil now.
If it happens again? I’m pretty sure he knew it was wrong the first three times, so what’s the point in giving him a warning? Do you sincerely think he’s going to stop or just get better about hiding what he’s doing? I don’t mean to sound so negative, but three times isn’t such a great track record.
The best part about this entire thing, is that he’s only a boyfriend. You can just leave. Why wait for it to happen again? You know it will. He has seen what happened with his brother, and he is still choosing to do that… lol?? When you call him out, he will just get better at hiding it. Leave. Someone who you would potentially spend your life with, would not do this to you.
All I can say is breaking up after that length of relationship may be hard but will definitely be worth it when for the right reasons. This is just what you’re seeing now, you don’t know what else he’s hidden, or potentially may do in the future. Me and my ex recently just broke up and although it was for very different reasons I can honestly say it was the right choice. We were together for 7 years as well and I will be completely honest, I am happier. I think this is a sign it is time for you two to go separate ways. Good luck my dms are open 🖤
Print all the messages off and leave a note. “You’re looking at the death sentence for our relationship if this comes close to happening again, you saw what happened to your brother so do me a favor and let me know if this is where we end. I love you and am disappointed.” And babygirl… do not waiver, do not faulter, let him see it, then move forward if you can but imho you should run far far away. Remember: if the talk must be had – He gets no sway in this conversation.
So over 6 months he’s been msging girls for nude massages and nothing has indicated that he felt remorse or guilt. But it will undoubtedly show up when you reveal that you know.
Dude will only be sorry because he’s caught. If he’s already doing this behind your back for a half a year, there is zero guarantee that he won’t do it again. But maybe he’ll change who knows right?
You’ve already spent 7 years of your life with this guy. The real question is how many more years of your life are you willing to gamble until you find out the second time?
….if it happens again??
What long-term couple truly believes having access to their partners phone and being able to go through it is a breach of privacy and boundaries?
Accessible checking in order to control the other is a breach of trust and can become extremely toxic but otherwise… I don’t think any real long-term couple sees it as this huge breach of privacy.
This right here is the problem. You’re making an excuse for him. Saying he hasn’t already crossed the line. But hun, he has. And the sooner you see that the better.
There’s no amount of talking or threatening him that will change the situation.
Men don’t change when we cry. Men don’t change when we going into a long speech. Men change when we leave. So no empty threats. Just leave.
And if you leaving causes him to change perhaps you can give him another chance after he has proven himself to you. Other wise you’ll lose him and it won’t really be a loss.
You will not trust him again. It will eat away at you deep inside. The resentment will continue to grow. I promise you, leave him. Otherwise you’re in for a very sad and trying time.
I wonder what he’s done that you haven’t found out yet
>and if it happens again we’re done.
Why not be done now and not waste 7+ years more?
I honestly wouldn’t give him the chance to do it again. He’ll just be sneakier the next time. He clearly doesn’t consider it wrong, because he’s doing it. This is like telling a cheater they need to stop or you’ll leave. You’re literally going to show him that you’ll stay..
Honestly, I’d just be done. The fact he’s considering it is proof enough that you don’t mean as much to him as you think. Also, these are the interactions you’ve witnessed. Just imagine all you haven’t seen yet.
Have some self respect and leave. Isn’t it obvious that he has already or will cheat on you soon.
Why would you want to stay with him…?
It sounds like you definitely should have looked. Just dump him.