TW for non explicit sexual content, possible abuse, possible online grooming. sorry no TLDR
hi there – i’ve (23F) talked about this experience before online & i know ultimately this should all be saved for my future therapist, but while that’s not available for me rn, i’m turning back to reddit to see if anyone can relate/give me a different perspective.
for starting context, i have very extreme ocd, often don’t trust myself or my experiences, and overall a big excuse maker when it comes to my personal current and past mental health struggles. normally when it comes to others i’m very opinionated on whats “right” and “wrong”, but this story in particular makes me too emotional to see anything from a clear set of lenses
i’ll try to be as concise as possible: when i was 15 i got into an online relationship with a 16 year old (called A). looking back, this was a very emotionally manipulative and draining “relationship”. at 15, i took this online relationship as seriously as a real life one, as did the other person. i thought it was my first time experiencing true love, so i often made excuses and forced myself to be OK with him “dating” other people online as he said he was polyamorous. one of these people he was dating was a 19 year old (called W) — i always viewed this person as very level headed, but anxious and traumatized. W and i were actually the only two “boyfriends” of A who got along (there were multiple other people involved at a certain point). obviously, this is where things started getting weird. neither me nor A at the time obviously because of our younger ages saw anything wrong with talking to or dating a 19 year old — A was the one dating W at the time, i was just friends with W, nothing sexual had gone on at this point between W and anyone involved. along comes J, an 18 year old who was W’s best friend and now also dating A. A expressed to me one night (all through DMs since this is all online) that he wants me, A, W, and J to all be in one big polycule where we’re all dating each other as individuals and as a group (at the time i was not dating W or J, just A when i was asked this). me, a young 15 year old thinking this is the coolest thing i’ve ever heard and the most wanted i’ve ever been, agrees to this arrangement as does all the other parties involved. very soon after this agreement, sexual things started happening between all individuals, particularly me and J. i won’t go into too explicit detail, but there were nudes and videos involved, a bunch of bdsm kink stuff, and overall some experiences that would make me uncomfortable but were never pushed if i stated i was uncomfortable. other things to note is both J and W (A as well but he was also a child at the time so i dont count it) would often joke and talk about how cute it was that i was the youngest of the group and how it’s cute how i was such a baby. i know this sounds like excuses, but i really don’t think they meant it in a creepy way, however now looking back at 23 i just question why you would even think that’s okay to say at all. this is obviously where my emotions start to come in. a lot of stuff happened, but in my head and at the time it wasnt creepy. to me it just seems like a bunch of young people way in over there heads and not thinking, but im genuinely so traumatized from this. i’ve never dated anyone older than me after this, not even a month or a year (i usually coincidentally always end up dating someone 1 year younger than me) and i don’t think its consciously, but i do find myself getting very anxious, off-put, and freaked out when i’m around even someone who’s slightly older than me (i’m also the oldest sibling and child in my whole extended family, which could contribute to this complex as well).
what eventually ended up happening with A, W, and J was i broke it off with A. yes, he was the only other minor in this situation, but i was with him the longest and he was also very emotionally abusive and i had just had enough. a couple weeks later (i was still in a relationship w W and and J) something in my kind of snapped and i realized how fucked ALL of this was? like it just hit me that i was 15 and these were an 18 and 19 year old, and i got so so so scared. i knew they had my nudes, they knew i had theirs and i just got terrified, so i did the only thing i could think of doing at the time and just immediately block and ghost them on everything. i felt so guilty and bad because they seemed so hurt and upset, but i knew it was the right thing. A, W, and J after that made an account to smear my name and talk shit on me publicly, i just tried to ignore it, but couldnt believe this was happening to me and felt like it shouldnt have, so i just tried to focus on my real life and not the internet world.
i often find myself thinking of this time in my life still to this day and it really upsets me. i definitely felt like i was taken advantage of, but maybe i wasnt since it never seemed on purpose or like what i’ve heard grooming is. i don’t know. this all messes with me. i stay up sometimes just thinking about it all, and i know that J and W don’t do the same. A and i actually reconnected during covid and we’re pretty chill now, though i’ve never discussed this with him since i don’t what to risk bringing up something upsetting or traumatizing to him as well. i know we were all severely mentally unwell and not thinking straight, i just dont know why nobody thought it was weird that i was 15. i dont know it just fucks with me.