sorry if i suck at this. i’ve never used reddit before. warning for abuse related things to come.
i have a very high-pitched, very soft type of voice, to the point where i’ve been compared to those cutesy anime girls before by friends. and this is the voice that comes naturally to me. if i could change the way i talk by default, i would. i struggle to be taken seriously even as an adult, and people often belittle me for it.
well, i’ll keep it short, but recently when joking around with my best friend, i tried to speak in the deepest voice i could possibly muster up, and… i sounded normal. like, genuinely normal. like a normal person. and more than that, i’ve started noticing more and more that it’s not just a coincidence or something. i CAN speak normally. but i don’t. it’s difficult to do so by default.
i grew up being abused in a number of different ways. whenever i talk to my parents (who were partially responsible for the abuse i suffered), i pitch my voice WAY up, to the point where i sound like an actual toddler. not even an anime girl, but a straight up child. when i talk to authority figures in general, my voice naturally gets quieter and more high-pitched.
i don’t know if i’m explaining it very well. i just realized that my natural inclination is to sound like a little kid, particularly around people who scare me, because i think people are less likely to hurt me if i do. its just jarring. ive been told a million times by a million different counselors and psychologists and therapists how abuse can affect the mind, but my voice, too?? i can’t even describe how frustrating that is.
one of my earliest memories is when i was 3 or 4 years old, and had followed my mom into her room for whatever reason, which she was upset about. i distinctly remember intentionally speaking in what i thought of at the time as my “baby voice” and her scolding me not to speak like that or i’d sound “autistic,” (sorry mom, i am diagnosed with that now,) but i avoided getting properly yelled at or hit, and… i don’t know. i remember literally, consciously thinking to myself, “this is how i stay safe. i make myself seem small.” not that elaborately, obviously, given that i was a child.
anyways. i’m just really shaken up about it. i don’t know what to even do with this information. i’ve hated my stupid high-pitched voice for a while now, and i want to be able to talk normally, but i don’t even know if that’s an option. everyone in my life knows me by the voice i’ve used for years. it would be weird if i started talking differently all of a sudden. plus, it just doesn’t come naturally to me. when i talk, my voice always stays in my “head” instead of my throat or chest, and that’s just what i’m used to and what instinctively comes to me now. i don’t know. i’m tired.
Comments
What a clever little girl you were to find ways to be safe from abuse. There is grief to feel now you have made the connection. You could tell people you are going to a voice coach as you want to speak more assertively?
You’ve been fawning. Fawning to make yourself seem small, to keep the peace, to not anger anyone. In the process you suppressed a part of yourself and your voice is reflective of that. You have shrunk to create space for others and in doing so limited your own space. That is draining and tiring and can make you feel trapped.
My advice is ways to train your voice and begin to take up some space which you’re entitled to. Joining a choir can help massively, you can use your voice and it doesn’t matter if you think you can sing or not it’s not about that. It’s about you using your voice for an hour or so and it is therapeutic.
This one is confronting but record yourself speaking and listen to it, learn to be comfortable with hearing your own voice – do this in private so you have privacy and time to let your emotions out authentically. Whatever happens go with it, you may feel tearful or embarrassed or uncomfortable at first and that’s ok. It’s about getting comfortable with yourself.
You can practice.
The thing is, as you grow older, the higher pitch voice is sometimes used by nefarious people as an indication that you can be easily taken advantage (usually monetarily, like mechanics up charging). You will need to learn the lower, more serious voice to protect yourself too.
You may be confused which is your “real voice” but they are all your voices. People may say it’s all fake but these are the tools you’ve used to keep yourself safe. They are real tools.
Stay safe out there.
That had to be a WTF realisation.
The good news: now you know, you can fix it.
There’s two fronts to tackle.
Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with, that help you with processing the root of your trauma.
If you can learn to straighten your spine, and speak from your heart and soul, instead of your fear, your defense mechanism isn’t necessary anymore.
At the same time, find a speech therapist, to train yourself to use your voice in a healthy way.
And also…
Watch Sister Act (really cute 1992 movie), and keep an eye on the redhead nun.
I bet you’ll relate to her, and you’ll get a taste of how it’s going to go, when you find your strength, and your voice.
I’m happy for you, that you found the key. Now you just have to unlock.
Speech therapists help people with issues like this, they’re not just about speech impediments
I had a friend like this – she got help from a speech pathologist on the strength and pitch of her voice. It’s just practice!! You can control your future, whatever you want that go sound like
I realized a couple of days ago that I have the same problem. And I’m a boy.
Good luck to both of us!
edit: I felt the need to talk about this since I feel it started because of a childhood trauma.
The clearest memory I have is being scolded, and even being hit, by “screaming” and “being very rude”, when I clearly wasn’t.
I began to be afraid of opening my mouth near my parents and lately this became my “normal persona”, when I used to be more active back then.
So, nowadays, I always make my voice soft, like a harmless person, with that feeling that if I do that, no one will do what my parents did to me.
This sucks a lot, fucking hell. Reading yout text did a “snap” in my brain.
Thank you for that.
First of all: I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through but it seems like you found a way to protect yourself, even if it was subconsciously done.
If you want to change your choice to your “normal” voice (for lack of a better word I apologize) I guess you could practice when you’re alone. Do you have a pet? You could talk to them like they’re a person, that way you’re comfortable! If you don’t have a pet, maybe you could practice with a friend that you feel really comfortable with.
I’m so sorry. You can also try some sort of therapy if you have the means too. This isn’t something I’m very educated on so please forgive me if I said anything insensitive. I wish you all the best 🫶🏼