So I(m 28) is in relationship with f 28 for 10 years.
Even with these years I am sexually starved. And I don’t know what to do.
I can’t break up cos I made a promise to myself that I’ll make her life easy and beautiful as she has rough early life. She is focused in her career, work and family. I always take a back seat. If we get intimate then only oral and done. We both are virgins still. This physical intimacy also comes once a month or sometimes once in 3 months.
We have talked and she says she wants it but I don’t see any action from her.
Is there anything that I can do to control my hormones.
I don’t want to cheat. But this starvation is making me go crazy. That is why I don’t talk to other females in my office or anywhere cos I know if there is a chance I’ll jump the ship and cheat. I’m walking a thin line.
And don’t know what to do.
Any suggestions are welcome.
Update:- i have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you all.
Comments
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I think you have to be really honest with you and with her. It sounds like you would be better off if you ended that relationship. You have to think about yourself.
Leave. You had the conversation. She didn’t care about it enough to change a single thing.
Couples therapy.
Just to clarify, you’ve been in this relationship for 10 years, and you guys haven’t had sex yet? I can’t help but wonder if there’s some cultural aspect to this. Where do you live?
🤣🤣🤣 Fellas outchea putting themselves in a prison of their own making then come for advice on reddit.
Time to break up. You and her have different expectations about sex that are incompatible. She might be waiting for marriage, while you see it as something important for any relationship regardless of status.
10 years and 2 virgins? Uh, what? No way lmao
Either leave or cheat. I won’t get into the morality of them but if you need sex and she’s shown for ten years that it’s not coming from her, then you either cheat or leave.
Ten years together and you haven’t banged? Brother…
so she’ll fuck you, if you guys get married? fun.
Jesus christ, no sex for ten years? You got the patience of a saint.
> I made a promise to myself that I’ll make her life easy and beautiful
…. And what of your own happiness and life?
Take it from someone with similar experience: you are not in a relationship. You’re being used.
You two are not compatible and for each of you to be happy, you each need to move on. You CAN break up: you’re not responsible for her early life, and it’s certainly not your job to fix it.
There will be tears, accusations, maybe even suicidal ideation. None of it is your problem: her reaction is her’s and her’s alone. No more talking, no more therapy, you can’t control your hormones or her’s. After ten years the situation is unlikely to change.
End it.
First, don’t pressure her. If it has been this long there may be psychological / abuse issues that she is suffering from. If she is and you pressure her it could make it even worse .
I would say discuss it and try to figure out why it is she doesn’t want to. Or if it’s simply because she has the morality that does not permit sex without marriage. And if that’s the case do you want to marry her? If not, then maybe you should go your separate ways
First, don’t pressure her. If it has been this long there may be psychological / abuse issues that she is suffering from. If she is and you pressure her it could make it even worse .
I would say discuss it and try to figure out why it is she doesn’t want to. Or if it’s simply because she has the morality that does not permit sex without marriage. And if that’s the case do you want to marry her? If not, then maybe you should go your separate ways
We accept the love we think we deserve. You should figure out why you think you deserve to live your life like this
Also, your gf may be asexual or similar. You can both be virgins for now but if the desire to have sex hasn’t been there for ten years, she’s not going to change. And to have no other types of intimacy – kisses, cuddling, etc? You’re signing up for a lifetime of misery.
One of the biggest differences between friendship and relationship is the sexual/physical aspect of it. Maybe you guys would be better off as friends.
It doesn’t matter how great you think she is if you’re unhappy in the relationship. Your happiness matters too
You say you don’t want to break the promise but are shooting down any other ideas that’s not cheating or leaving. This sounds like she could be grappling with her own sexuality… and could have nothing to do with you. You cheat, you break the promise and traumatize her and you leave you break the promise, she will be sad but she will live and is already in therapy to equip herself with coping mechanisms. Both of you could end up being happier just breaking up, this is a not a fairy tale where she is a damsel in distress. Y’all are grown adults people break up and it’s totally going to be OKAY
You say you don’t want to break the promise but are shooting down any other ideas that’s not cheating or leaving. This sounds like she could be grappling with her own sexuality… and could have nothing to do with you. You cheat, you break the promise and traumatize her and you leave you break the promise, she will be sad but she will live and is already in therapy to equip herself with coping mechanisms. Both of you could end up being happier just breaking up, this is a not a fairy tale where she is a damsel in distress. Y’all are grown adults people break up and it’s totally going to be OKAY
I worried that you will find out that you are the only one virgin in your relationship…
Having read the comments and your replies to them, I think it’s impossible to help you.
The comments are explaining to you over and over that she doesn’t prioritize you or your happiness. Still you think it is important to put her on a pedestal and make her happy even if it’s at the expense of your own happiness.
Then, my advice to you is: enjoy your martyrdom. But don’t expect her to ever be grateful for it.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if the fact that you don’t have the guts to make her put you first once in a while makes her less attracted to you.
Sorry for being too blunt but reading the comments and your responses so far make it seem like you’re just wasting everybody’s time, but mostly your own.
You’re not responsible for her happiness in entirety. You shouldn’t carry the burden of being unhappy due to the fact that she had a rough childhood. You’re 28. You’re in your prime. You can never get these years back.
I don’t know the clinical name, I feel like you have an extreme people pleaser disease, where you put other people happiness and lives first than yours. You should talk with some experts about this, and try to think about yourself more. Your girlfriend may have her own problems, have to depend on you, may break when you break up, but does it mean, your hapiness and what you need and want not important anymore? WHO will think and care about you then?
If no food is offered, eating somewhere else is not cheating.
What you do is, find another woman. Why be with someone who doesn’t desire what you do? You get 1 life. Why be miserable?
You guys are friends who care for each other. This doesn’t sound like a relationship in your 20s by American standards. She is either not that into you or has trauma that she doesn’t sound like she’s really ready to dive into or maybe both.
I don’t really have anything to add to this convo, but from what I’ve read so far, it seems to me that you are more like a father to her, rather than a boyfriend/husband. Just an observation. Giving your all for her to be happy, but at the expense of your own happiness and well being is something a father would do.
Mate id just get out of that asap. It’s only going to end badly. You can’t have a no sex relationship unless it’s mutually agreed.
Have you considered couples therapy or counseling? That might help understand why she’s not interested in sex.
Brother, she’s using you for what you bring to her life and not reciprocating that. She’s been doing it for 10 years. Her having a rough early life is an excuse and not the reason you need to stay with her. That’s not normal, at all, in any culture. It sounds like she is not sexually interested and the once a month or once every three months is to appease you. Just a little taste to make you second guess leaving. Every reply here tells me more and more that she’s not considerate of your needs much at all and you’re 10000% considerate of hers. There’s an 80:20 rule in relationships, and you’re giving the entire 100 plus some.
This is like the 5th story sheet someone had been in a long-term relationship without sex. You’d tend is getting old.
Do you masturbate? How do you try to initiate intimacy with her? Are you looking for her to initiate? What has she said about her past that might have caused this?
Not having intimacy so you can focus on your career is the biggest bullshit ever, especially in the late 20s.
youve got to move on from this lady.
10 years? Oh my god. Time to move on.
I understand you care about her – you still can if you want, just not as her boyfriend
You sound like a very honorable and good man. But please realize this: if you’re not happy, you can’t make her happy. Then both lose.
Ill give you my perspective
Im 25m and i personally would not talk to a girl im interested in more than a month if she does not fuck me within that month.
Why? Simple, because i dont want to date a girl who does not want to have sex with me. I could never imagine 10 years of being with someone who doesnt wanna fuck me, id just consider her my friend
What im saying may seem extreme but guess what, ive had sex and great relationships with tons of beautiful women, and its because my promise is to make myself happy, not someone else
Perhaps she is asexual but doesn’t know exactly what that is or how to explain it. Do you guys share other acts of intimacy such as hugging, kissing, snuggling? Things that don’t involve sex? If that answer is also no then I would think you need to have a serious talk with yourself and consider leaving. You’re still very young, and if it’s been 10 years this isn’t likely to change. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
Have you considered taking her out on a boat?
The solutions are communicate, but you say you have. Leave, but you say you can’t. So really the only solution left here is to speak to a professional, get both a couples counsellor and a personal one. If this is also a no go, check back with us all in another 10 years.
I haven’t had sex in 5 years, oh well 🤷🏻♂️
I’d happily stay with you 10+ years if my bills are being taken care of too 😂
Clear communication should resolve this. 10 years of relationship should have you easily ask her will you have sex with me post marriage ? Is that it or is there any other reason for abstinence? Have you had a traumatic episode which makes you not feel like doing it ? Do you care about my feelings as well ? Do you know it’s a basic human need ? If you could clarity all these then we could proceed to the next step , sex or marriage whatever it is.
Was the first rough part of her life involve being sexually abused? You don’t need to answer that but if you know that happened then that could be why she’s not going through with it. She has to know what’s wrong but doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe try seeing a sex therapist. Don’t cheat whatever you do, don’t do it. Break up if you’re going to do that first because that’s going to be the end result if you do cheat anyways. It’s not easy to get away with it, she’s going to intuitively know something is up. You don’t owe her a better life, your happiness is just as important. Just try not to be scummy, you could get an std or worse. HIV, hep C, syphilis are at a high right now.
I think your best option at this point is finding a way out dude. I don’t wanna be that person to say “get out while you still can” for no reason, but honestly with the duration of this kind of behavior I really don’t think any amount of communication or therapy can fix this because she’s had 10 years to solidify her view of you.
I really do wish you the best, but It doesn’t take a genius to realize that waiting another decade in hopes things will change isn’t going to do you any good
Something is weird to me here. You don’t talk to other females because you will cheat given the chance. That’s a huge red flag.
Sounds like you need to have a big conversation about your wants and if it is worth staying on the relationship. Of you aren’t happy, you are giving your best self to the relationship
Yeah you can break up. You’ve been with this person since your 18 and they won’t have sex with you I would be out
Honestly it sounds like she may need therapy. I can’t help but wonder if she was assaulted or molested and gets anxiety when things move south. Or possibly embarrassed or afraid of getting pregnant. Unless she’s waiting for the action to come from you, Idk.
Break up with her and hire a hooker
She’s not waiting for marriage?
If providing her with her needs makes you unhappy, why aren’t you breaking up with her?
39f here, feel free to read my post history if you want but it is a bit all over the place lol. I’m commenting after just reading your post and none of the comments but felt compelled.
But my man. I honestly think you might need to do a good, honest self evaluation/reflection. And it’s ok if you realize what you wanted ten years ago IS NOT what you want now. Ten years ago you were a baby! Of course you’ve changed as you’re coming on 30.
We all change. And I personally have a full on mental fucking breakdown every 5-10 years max, figure it out and change again and again.
Thankfully I met my mental match, complimentary opposite, the immovable object to my unstoppable force (to quote the Joker and one of my favorite Batman movies). We’ve both learned how to communicate better over the years and this just makes us stronger.
I think you need to do YOU. Go have some fucking wild ass sex (responsibly…I feel like I’m old and souls say that). When I met my husband there was IMMEDIATE sexual chemistry. And we fuck (until recently but that’s a whole other story) all the time and it’s better and better because we both know what we like and want. But we each had our slutty phases and self discovery phases in our early 20s.
But you HAVE TO HAVE INTIMACY in a healthy relationship dude. I’m so serious.
Edit for additional thought: do what makes you happy because that’s what we all deserve. But you’re clearly struggling mentally, and I feel for you there, and that’s why I said you should self evaluate and know it’s ok if you have changed). Communicate well, but put yourself first. Something I still have a lot of trouble doing but that’s what I think you should do. But, that’s me! I’m not a therapist I just have experience and my own thoughts to provide to you. I wish you all the best.
Because you are from India.. I had assumed it had something to do with that. I am from Asia and as far as I can tell, asians have always been on the more.. conservative side. But a 10 year+ relationship without sex is kinda wild. A decade is a LONG time man.
You need to go read the deadbedroom sub and the asexuality sub, and see if any of that rings true.
Just so you know, emotionally mature adults don’t make promises about how easy they will make someone else’s life.
That type of behavior is actually not suitable in a romantic relationship, that is more like when you have been hired to be a personal assistant.
In a healthy romantic relationship, it should be more of a “wants & haves” list. Where you know what YOU need to feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually well… and you have a solid idea of the things you can offer a partner… looking for a fair deal in the overlap between your two lists (haves/wants) and their version of that same two lists.
For example, I know for myself to he happy in a relationship, I have to be with a good listener, who is exceptionally bright, playful, driven, passionate, etc. And what I bring to the table is similar, plus some logistical skills, like I’m well groomed, hyper feminine, a good cook, handy to fix small items, and a good sport to try new things.
If I got into a relationship, and out of pity just decided to subordinate my needs to “make their life easy”?
That would correctly be clocked as “codependent” and damaging to both people. 1. Because my needs don’t get addressed, and 2. the other person gets ruined & lazy because they can go through life completely self centered and entitled.
Sometimes people have alternative tastes sexually, and want to live out life as a “service submissive” – but I don’t think that is what is happening here because you are never being given you sub reward of sexual attention.
The reason why you feel bad, is because you are doing life in such a way that you are self injuring through your relationship by assuming you can wish away your human needs.
Would you be happy living the rest of your life without sex? Or at the least very very little sex? If not, then this relationship may not be for you. If she hasn’t acted on it in 10 years, she doesn’t really want it. And that’s okay! But it just means that you 2 are incompatible
Is there a history of sexual assault on her side? if so she needs therapy.
But I guess it’s not that easy in india and respect you didn’t push it in 10 years.
If there is no trauma relation she might be asexual.
Then you need to discuss your future.
Possible solutions: Open relationship with strict boundaries, to keep any contact purely physical.
Break up and stay friends to support her but find a new relationship.
As long as you are a simp, she is going to treat you like a simp, and simps don’t get to fuck.
If you want to change, you have to start by not being a simp. For example, that means spending time and even flirting with other women (competition drives a woman’s desire). Invest in yourself (women are attracted to powerful men. If needed, leave her (a man’s greatest power is the power to leave).
But simps gotta simp so I highly doubt you will do any of these things, or get laid.
get married
You need to be sexually satisfied else where
Run, don’t walk away from her. You made a promise but she is not keeping her end of the bargain at all. Never be with someone who makes you feel like “I always take a back seat.” Have a hard convo, setting boundaries and expectations, telling her what your needs are. If she doesn’t change, again, run.
Join deadbedroom subreddit and see the horror of marriage life with sex problem by yourself. If you think marriage will change things then you gonna have a bad news.
Sexual incompatibility is something that is not going to work out. How you’ve made it 10 years is beyond me. I’m not saying you should cheat, but have a real conversation with her. Maybe try therapy. If nothing changes, I’d end the relationship.
If you’re not sexually compatible that’s okay, but long term that means you’re not very likley to be a compatible relationship at all. If you’re not happy let her know and have a big talk about how important it is to you and how you are feeling. If nothing changes you’ll know it wasn’t right for you
10 years?? Wtf? 👀
If you like to read, you might like the book “you are the one you’ve been waiting for” by Richard Schwartz
if you came to Reddit to talk about it. Just go ahead and make her understand you are the man, you have primal needs, for sex. She is wasting your precious time, cause trust me women will betray you once they feel like it. Women are very sneaky
I’ve been through this but on the 2nd year I said, I control my life and pursued whoever I wanted