I’m 29f and the oldest daughter (and oldest sibling) in my family. As I’m sure plenty of other girls understand, being the oldest daughter isn’t easy…there’s even a syndrome named after it.
I’ve always been the mortar that keeps our family from breaking apart, the daughter and sister who people turn to in times of trouble. I always try really hard to rise to the occasion and be there for my family.
It’s something my mom and dad generally recognize and appreciate; they see me as the “sibling in chief” if that makes sense, and have a level of respect for me that goes beyond that which they have for my siblings (though they love all of us equally). It’s a role I take genuine pride it, but it can be exhausting to say the least.
For the past few months I’ve been living back at home to give my mom and dad some moral support while they deal with a really tough situation with an illness that a member of our extended family is going through.
My relationship with my mom and dad is good and strong but definitely complicated at times. I often feel like I’m not living up to my dad’s expectations, as loving and supportive as he is. And my mom and I have an incredibly tight bond, but we REALLY know how to get on each other’s nerves, and our fights are absolutely epic.
All this brings me to why I’m posting. And fair warning, this is where things get squicky and REALLY, really complicated.
My mom and I were having a heart-to-heart recently, and she opened up about how with me living back at home, she and my dad would like us to be…”closer.” Not just emotionally closer, but physically closer to.
My parents want us to start going to bed together as mom and dad and daughter.
The reality of this is hitting me like a ton of bricks, and my mind feels completely upside down. I never, ever, ever thought that this is the sort of situation I’d find myself in with my mom and dad. As naive as it sounds, I thought this was the sort of thing that happened to “other” girls, other people.
If you only have something cruel to say, or your only piece of guidance is to “run away,” please just close my post and move along. It isn’t helpful.
I’m trying REALLY hard to approach this with empathy, as challenging as it is. Wrestling with whether to say no to them or potentially yes to them is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. To those of you who have something kind or constructive to say, thank you in advance.
Comments
Just to clarify, because it’s not explicitly clear: do you mean they’ve asked you to sleep in the same bed as them? Or do you mean they want you to have sex with them?
The only correct advice is “run away,” though. Your parents are asking to have sex with you. It isn’t complicated. It’s a situation you get yourself out of as quickly as you can.
As for holding the family together, have you ever watched Arrested Development? The intro to the show is, “Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.” The gag is every word of that is a lie: They were never wealthy, they just live like they are, but it’s all fraud. Also, the fraud always seems to be catching up with them, but their lifestyle never changes, they never actually lose anything. Finally, the one son? He could leave at any time. They’re all adults. He can leave and they’ll be fine, or, oh no, have to live with the consequences of their actions like adults do.
The consequences of your parents being weird gross people are not yours to deal with, they’re theirs.
Fucking run.
If me saying “run away” isn’t helpful, maybe you’re not seeing the incest elephant in the room. So, I’ll close now and move along. Something ain’t right in your house.
If this is real…. OK you don’t want me to tell you to run…. But girl… Gtfo of there. Your parents have just ruined this not you. Step back waaaaay back. But also how old are your younger siblings? Your decline could put them next for such an offer, your duty is to make sure everyone is safe. But gtfo of there. They should be ashamed of themselves 🤢
How old are your siblings? Are they trying this with them? Have they ever done anything like this before or shown signs of this?
Run! Fast and far and if possible amd necessary protect younger siblings. Maybe sit down with them to discuss things and secretly record the convo for receipts.
Protect yourself!
!updateme
This to me seems so clearly abusive. I think if you were a third party looking in you’d see that too.
But I’m seeking to understand. Why on earth would you ever even consider saying yes to that?
Omg i am sorry but running away is the solution here your parents are fvking weird
Hey, thank you for being brave enough to post something so vulnerable. It’s clear you carry a heavy emotional load for your family, and that you genuinely care about navigating even the most difficult moments with empathy and respect. That kind of emotional maturity is rare—and powerful.
That said, what you’ve described crosses a serious boundary, regardless of how it’s been framed. Wanting to be “closer” as a family emotionally is beautiful. But when that veers into physical closeness that doesn’t align with healthy family norms or your own comfort, that’s a red flag—one you absolutely have every right to respond to with confusion, discomfort, or even fear.
It’s okay to feel upside down right now. It’s okay to feel conflicted. But your body, your boundaries, and your emotional safety matter most—more than any role you’ve ever had to play in your family. You are not responsible for holding a family together at the cost of your own peace or autonomy.
If you’re not already speaking to a therapist, this is definitely a time when having a neutral, experienced professional could help you sort through what’s happening and what’s healthiest for you.
You don’t have to run. You also don’t have to stay in a space that violates your instincts or comfort. You’re allowed to set a line—and you are absolutely worthy of support that honors you as a daughter, not as a caretaker, a peacekeeper, or an emotional stand-in.
I’m rooting for you, truly. You’re not alone, and this doesn’t define you.
You’ve carried a lot for your family, but this crosses a line no one should ever have to navigate. Your instincts are screaming for a reason listen to them. Being supportive doesn’t mean sacrificing your boundaries
Run away. But set it on fire first. What the fuck.
And now I know what squicky means. I wish I didn’t.
Sounds very, um, fake.
I would like to say: if you want it then yes, otherwise no. Just like with any other relationship. However, the proposal is very disturbing.
For you to even be considering this and not immediately saying no, even as you say you are grossed, out is extremely concerning. It screams of power dynamics in your family that you seem to be aware of but willing to ignore for the sake of making others happy, even at your detriment. The fact that they are even comfortable asking their daughter this is just unthinkable, but it seems that they are aware of your need to please them and are using multiple conversations to try and convince you.
From another oldest daughter who has had to place her peace of mind for the sake of family time after time – this is not normal. It is not a normal request of a parent, who should never take sexual interest in their child (biologically related or not). It is not normal for you to be more concerned about your family dynamic and keeping the peace than setting firm boundaries in place. You seem to be very deeply enmeshed with your family, to the point of not being able to see this situation impartially. I beg of you to find a therapist or counselor and remove yourself from this situation at the very least.
I know you are asking for kindness, but approaching this situation with kid gloves does a disservice to you, your autonomy, and your wellbeing. This is not ok. You are obviously not comfortable with this, nor do you seem like you would even be open to it outside of a need to make your family happy. Please listen to the part of you that is screaming how wrong this is. Please get yourself out of that situation before something you will deeply regret and never be able to erase from your memory happens.
This is something only you can decide but I would speak with your siblings too. It is not a normal request. They have shown you healthy love, and that’s why this has thrown you. They can have their own intimacy as a couple. It’s ok to say no to them. How they respond to what you say and accept if its not what they want to hear will be how your relationships move forward. Never be pressured into anything.
Would kindly say no thank you. Me, personally, I wouldn’t ever want or ask my daughter (18) to sleep in the same bed as my husband and I do.
Edit: Read what that was really about. Hell no. Just no. Gross they even asked.
Take yourself seriously. Your discomfort is valid. If something feels wrong to you, it is important to listen to that feeling—no matter how it was intended by others.
Also, communicate respectfully but firmly that you are not comfortable with the kind of physical closeness your parents suggested. You do not need to justify your boundaries beyond that.
You also don’t have to carry this alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure, talk to someone you trust—a therapist, a friend, or I would actually recommend a support organization. And if the situation continues to feel unsafe or emotionally destabilizing, consider whether you can stay somewhere else temporarily while you process and regain clarity.
This moment may be a sign that it’s time to redefine your role in the family—away from being the emotional caretaker and toward something more balanced and self-protective. And most importantly: Having empathy for your parents does not mean you have to sacrifice your own emotional safety. You are allowed to say no—and you deserve to feel safe in your own home.
As with any sexual situation: if it’s not an enthusiastic “Yes!”, it’s a no.
If you have any doubts (which it seems you have a lot of), don’t do it. You will potentially ruin your relationship with your entire family.
If this is real, please leave. There is something seriously wrong with your parents.
Talk to your siblings too. They could have been sexually abused.
You need to understand that this IS NOT NORMAL!
You keep talking about their strong relationship and how much they want this etc and you need time to think about it. May I ask what you need to think about?
If this post is true, your parents are asking you to commit a disgusting act which is illegal for a reason. NOTHING positive will come from this, only years of psychological and emotional damage for you
You moved home to support them, but it sounds like you need to move back out for your own safety. If you’re not sure how to navigate this, please seek support from a therapist
Can you imagine trying to explain this situation to a future spouse?
This is relationship-ruining territory.
Just to gain an understanding, do they want you to share a bed with them or actually have sex with them?
It doesn’t sound naive to think this wouldn’t/couldn’t/shouldn’t happen. There is NO way it’s to be expected, and it’s far from normal or ok. Please get out.
I’m sorry, but the only right thing to do is run away. I realize you don’t want to hear this, but this is disgusting. Your parents are trying to initiate extremely inappropriate behavior. You need to get out NOW. What your parents are asking you to is criminal. Leave now to protect yourself. You are NOT required to be the mortar holding the family together.