I never chose to be alone. Life just left me with no other option

I’m a 20-year-old guy, and for the past five years, I’ve lived without any real friends I could fully trust or rely on. It all started back in secondary school. a difficult time in my life, especially because of ongoing issues at home, particularly with my dad.

During that period, the only escape I had was confiding in the closest friend I had at the time. let’s call him Max. I opened up to him about my struggles, trusting him with things I’d never told anyone else. But I later found out that Max had been talking behind my back, telling others that I was always complaining about my personal life and problems with my dad. I didn’t confront him. I just pretended I didn’t know. I kept quiet, but that experience stayed with me.

As the years passed, I made new friends, but bit by bit, I found it harder to trust them. Things kept happening that chipped away at whatever trust I had left. One particular moment still sticks with me: I was walking home from school with a group of friends, casually sharing something that had recently happened in my life. I wasn’t even venting I was just talking. Suddenly, one of them snapped and started yelling at me, making it seem like I was being overly dramatic. What struck me the most was that he brought up issues I had never shared with him directly—things I had only ever told Max. That’s when I realized he must’ve heard those things from Max all those years ago.

From that point on, I started withdrawing more and more. I became careful about what I shared, especially since I’d started noticing how that group of friends constantly talked behind each other’s backs. Then came 2020 a year that completely broke whatever was left. I lost every single friend I thought I was close to. One particular loss hit me hard. For months, I would lie awake at night, thinking about that friend, replaying conversations, wondering what went wrong. That phase lasted for at least three months, and unfortunately, it marked the beginning of my struggles with sleep disorders and anxiety. things I still deal with today, but that’s a conversation for another time.

As if things weren’t already hard enough, 2020 was also the year I realized I was gay. And in the world I live in, that realization alone is enough to destroy you. Even if you never act on it. even if you keep it all to yourself. Just knowing that you’re attracted to the same gender is enough for people to turn their backs on you. Enough for them to make sure you lose everything… even yourself.

So, I did what felt safest: I distanced myself. Thanks to the pandemic, that became easier. I shut people out, and it slowly became just me and my phone.

One thing led to another, and I lost what little social skills I had. Now, even talking to people makes me nervous. I overthink everything I say, and that only makes me retreat further into myself. Sometimes I wish I had someone—just one person—I could truly trust. Someone I could open up to without fear. A friend who’d accept me for who I am. But with the trust issues, the lack of social confidence, and the constant fear that someone might find out I’m gay, I can never seem to feel truly safe around anyone.