I am currently crying and wishing I had more time. Dramatic, I know. But one can hope?
How to deal with losing a parent or loved one to disease knowing not much time is left?
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I am currently crying and wishing I had more time. Dramatic, I know. But one can hope?
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Talk to the people you love and care about, not reddit.
Does your parent care?
Gradually. There’s really no way for us to give you a checklist that’ll make everything ok, because it won’t be ok for a long time, both before and after they pass
My mother had Alzheimer’s and ended up dying from COVID. She went downhill over the course of two weeks.
I always thought I couldn’t live without her, but I’m doing ok. I’m kind of happy she passed away before her Alzheimer’s got really bad. She couldn’t shower or wipe her bottom without help, but she still remembered my sister and I. I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore.
Keep a journal of all the things you know and remember about them. It can be even little things you remember, like the way they used to walk. Even after they pass, every time you have a memory of them, put it in the journal.
The hardest thing is also the “easiest”. Accepting it. Confronting the helplessness, the humanity, and the grief you’re about to be handed a huge loss.
Then courage comes. It takes courage to face that square off with it, and sit with it.
Crying is good. Letting yourself be human and let things through it healthy. That’s not being dramatic, it’s being whole and human.
We all wish for more time. For different options. That’s human too.
There are things you can do, it’s not entirely helpless. You can commit to taking good care of yourself through it. Being supportive of the staff helping at the hospice or hospital, whoever supports them and you. For advocating for your loved one, visiting, supporting them. It’s scary for them too, the pain is physical and emotional for them too, and comforting is a mercy upon them.
The hospital chaplains, most of them are savants at nurture. You can clearly say what your faith or lack of is, what you need, and they will comfort and console. I’ve not yet seen a chaplain cross boundaries, and have only known them to be excellent grief and worry support.
Bearing through the discomfort, but not letting the frictions start you on fire is the walk we all do through. It’s especially scary and overwhelming your first time, when you’re also learning just how much pressure you can take and steering yourself through foreign territory.
Ask for help, just like you’re doing now. Keep it real with yourself and others. Take it a minute, hour, day at a time. You process it by taking all those baby steps through.
Get a box fill it with beautiful memories, mementos, letters etc. Do it together. You can even decorate the box, if you are into that sort of thing. Make some videos or voice recordings of them talking about their life adventures or passions. Don’t be afraid to talk about death and how things will change. It is hard and it is sad, but it is better to do it together ❤️
What you’re going through is called “anticipatory grief”. I learned that term when my dad had dementia. If you search that term there are some really helpful articles. I’m really sorry that you or anyone else ever has to experience that.
I didn’t know until it happened. Brave yourself. I wish I had something to tell ya.
This is unfortunately something no one can tell you for sure. Everyone deals with these things differently and no one can tell you what’ll work for you. For me it was spending as much time as possible without them, keeping myself busy and giving myself the time and space to process everything.
It’s just horrible. You can’t plan for it really. Just be with them as much as you can.
My husband passed away from brain cancer at the age of 45 last year. He battled for seven years. I struggled with this concept for a long time, as we always knew it was terminal eventually, and I think I had a sense that I didn’t want to feel blindsided or overly traumatized by shock when it actually happened. A therapist told me something that resonated with me. She said that no amount of “preparing” will make any bit of difference when you actually lose him. You can’t protect yourself from the shock and pain and sadness that will come and there’s no amount of conscious preparation that will make it feel any less intense. So the best you can do is try to be in the moment. Certainly, there are financial and logistical arrangements that may need to be managed, but emotionally, you can only stay present. When my husband was in in-home hospice, I tried my best to soak in the moments that he was there and we were together- and realistically some were hard and difficult, some were mundane and exhausting and others were beautiful and touching. I tried not to put any pressure on myself to make it incredibly “meaningful” or spend time creating or generating things that would have lasting tangible importance. I was just with him. Whatever that looked like in the moment. And that ended up being the best gift. Good luck to you ❤️
When my husband was dying and our children would ask me how much time do we have left with dad? Finally the answer came: All we can know is that right now, at this moment, we are all here, together. This is all we need to know right now, at this moment.
Spend time with them
Make art with them