Hello Reddit,
Me and my wife are 36 and 37 years old but don’t have children yet. She desperately wants kids but I am unsure. But it’s kind of getting to the point where it’s now or never, since we aren’t getting any younger. I’m just terrified that I’ll have kids and immediately wish I hadn’t. I don’t know if I can handle that much extra work. I’m terrified I’ll wake up one day and think, God… what have I done?? Anyone have any helpful insight?
Comments
Try the regretfulparents sub.
You might need to talk to your partner because she might feel her biological clock is ticking and she might just leave. I felt the same way about kids. But she ended up doing something very bad and I left her.
Scroll through the regretfulparents sub. Do NOT have a kid if you don’t want one. They’re an insane amount of work.
Honestly, a lot of this will come down to the luck of what happens post partum, and how your down time is after work, where you are in life, etc.
Me and my wife are chill. Do we need breaks from the kids? Of course, but we’ve also paced our lives around making sure we don’t go crazy, sometimes at the expense of giving them MORE experiences and then just working the rest of it within our means.
The first year, whether you have a chaotic baby or not, will be rough. Because once you start, there is no going back. Your capacity for love and anxiety will grow because now you are responsible for a human, and you will learn about so many things you take for granted that you now have to teach.
I wouldn’t trade it for anything now, but you also can’t read the future and see if it’ll be fine.
Opposite actually. I was in your shoes. Husband wanted kids and I wasn’t sure. We had a kid. The first year was horrible. But I learned something once we hit the 18 month mark – I like kids, I just don’t like babies. My son is so funny. He’s smart and sweet and a handful. He makes me so angry sometimes, and being a parent is this weird combination of stressful and chaotic and joyful. It’s fun going back and reliving childhood by experiencing everything all over again by doing it with my son. All that to say that the first year and a half I thought I’d made a terrible mistake, but I’m so glad we did it. If you’re looking for both sides of the spectrum on this r/fencesitters would be a good option for you to check out.
Kids definitely change your life – your needs take a back seat to theirs when they are young. But my boys have brought me more joy than I knew was possible. They are in their 20s now, and the oldest has made me a grandmother. Each stage of their lives has brought new challenges and rewards. The older they get, the more interesting they become.
I was nervous when we decided to have kids. I don’t think anyone ever feels ready. But I have never, ever regretted the decision.
The amount of parents that regret having kids is much much lower than the parents that don’t
If you go find you loud minority saying they do and can’t find the people that don’t it’s because they are with their children
It’s perfectly normal to have fear & anxiety around becoming a parent as it’s a new experience for you and you’ve never done it before. It is a huge shift in your paradigm and is not to be taken lightly. However, in the same way you’re wondering the what if I regret it thing, what if you look back and can’t imagine your lives without your child?
There are plenty of parents out there who choose not to be active parents. That’s not the best option out there. But if you have regrets or change your mind after, there are ways to decrease your obligation like by paying child support or if it’s a mutual feeling, you could give the child up for adoption. You could make those choices, or you could choose to be as active and involved as you want.
How will it impact your marriage if you choose not to have children when your wife really wants them? Perhaps if you don’t, you’re not well aligned?
There’s unfortunately always the chance that you could decide to try to have children and then not be able to. So part of the decision lies with fate and circumstance.
Every fuckin’ day. They’re exhausting, relentless, nothing is ever enough for them, no matter how much you give them, they always want more, and they’re completely devoid of empathy when all you want is a moment of peace to let your mind rest.
But then my daughter hugs me and I feel a kind of peace, contentment, and wholeness that I would never be able to comprehend any other way.
It’s honestly not for everyone, but it’s not without its rewards.
I had 4 and don’t regret it a bit. I’ve loved every stage they have fine through, even the difficult ones. Everyone is different though. My sister has one and that was enough. My brother had none. Going through it is the only way to know for sure
Better to not have kids and regret that, than to have kids and regret your kid. Having a kid takes two to say YES. A yes + maybe/unsure = no.
If this is what you are thinking, if you decide to to it, you have to be ready for that EXACT feeling because there is simply no way to know how you will feel about it until you do it.
I have friends with regrets who wanted kids. Friends who love it and their kids were accidents.
You also have no guarantees about what your kids will be like. They could be anything from self-reliant to barely functioning to sickly. It’s a dice roll.
But if you decide to do it, you better do it and support your family because too many of my friends baby daddy’s are utterly f*cking useless and I don’t even mean absent, just useless compared to their wives who are breaking their backs to be good moms.
I can say I have no friends who are 100% thrilled to be parents. Most of them are overworked, overstretched, and full of worry. There are fun times too, but seeing them go through it really made it clear it is not for me!
To be happy, I need free time, downtime, and my flexibility. I hate feeling overstretched financially or like I am drowning in work.
What will make you happy and secure?
I personally believe unless you desperately want to experience what it is to raise a tiny human and prepare them for life, that you may not enjoy it cause A LOT of it is unpleasant. Of course there are plenty of joys and love and creativity and wonder as well. I get enough of that as “auntie.” I don’t want or need more.
Imagine having a nonverbal, autistic child. Or a kid with severe behavioral problems. Imagine not traveling for several years. Imagine no sex for long periods. Imagine your wife focusing much more (naturally) on the kid than you. Imagine not sleeping in for half a decade. Imagine clutter and mess. Imagine weekends of kids birthday parties. Is that all worth it? For some people it totally is.
I have several gfs who regret kids more than anything. Two have nonverbal, violent children and immediately divorced, another tried IVF for years and had her miracle baby and hates parenthood because she says it’s “all chores.” Another had a kid because her husband wanted one, but he barely bothered and now she drinks way too much. Kid will be fucked up.
If you are not all in, do not do it. A perfect child and marriage are not guaranteed.
Do not have a kid for your wife. It will not end well.