I caught my husband wearing my clothes and cheating on me with a man

I (31/F) have been married to my husband (35/M) for 5 years. We’ve been together a total of 8. I thought we had a solid marriage. Not perfect (what marriage is?), but solid. I’ve always found him funny and charming and he’s well-liked by everyone we know. We had a lot in common, we are both very career driven and we supported each other in our hopes and dreams. Like I saw him as my soul mate, truly.

Last month, I left work early one day. My last meeting got canceled and I figured I’d beat traffic, grab his favorite Chinese takeout, and surprise him. I texted him that I’d see him later but didn’t mention I’d be home early. He normally works remotely ever since the pandemic. He only goes to work in person maybe once a week, if that.

When I came home, I walked into a surreal nightmare. My husband was wearing nothing but my bra and thong that he took from my hamper, completely stretching them out and he was kneeling in front of a man I did not know at all giving him oral sex. Neither of them saw me at first, I think I just stood there in shock for a few seconds, they heard me breathing because I started to hyperventilate. The man my husband was pleasuring looked uncomfortable, apologized and left right away.

I backed up out of the room, and without even fully thinking, I pulled out my phone and started to record a video, I just felt so unsafe and crazy, like I couldn’t even believe what I was looking at. Like my brain had to document it just to prove it was really happening.

He rushed over to me, trying to grab the phone, and started to cry and I told him not to touch me. I remember saying that very clearly. I left and he desperately wanted me to stay to talk things out.

I ended up going to target and bought a bunch of new clothes and underwear because I didn’t want to go back to that apartment to get anything at all. I’ve been staying at an Airbnb ever since. I still can’t go back to that apartment or look at the video I recorded.

We’ve only spoken a few times since. He’s been texting me, emailing me, calling me nonstop for weeks. Not to apologize in any meaningful way, but to beg me not to tell anyone. He’s terrified I’ll share the video or the photos I took. Terrified I’ll “ruin his life.” He says he wants a “quiet, amicable divorce” because “we don’t need to make this uglier than it already is.”

I haven’t told anyone. Not my parents. Not our mutual friends. Not even my best friend. I’ve been carrying this alone. Because even after everything, my weak pathetic self doesn’t want to humiliate him. I don’t want to be the person who blows up someone’s life out of vengeance, even though I’d probably be justified. I’m grieving something I thought I had. Someone I thought I knew. And I’m doing it alone in a rental house. It really hurts. I feel like a total fool. A complete idiot. I’m still humiliated.

I’m not angry that he’s gay or bi or into men or into lingerie or whatever the hell this was. That’s not the issue. I’m angry that I was lied to. That I was used. And now I’m left holding the silence.

I’m not posting this for sympathy. I guess I just don’t want to be invisible anymore. I want to say it out loud, even if no one reads this.