I am posting here because I have found this group to be one the most helpful and supportive ones on Reddit…
I (35F) am friends with another woman, Molly, (42F). We are both white Americans living abroad in Europe. We frequently discuss the problems in the United States and in our new country. Molly considers herself to be extremely left-wing/liberal and is very vocal about her anti-Trump views and her disapproval and disappointment in the United States nowadays. I’m glad she’s outspoken about this, though it does occasionally feel like she wears it as a badge of honor— I sometimes get the feeling that she thinks she’s superior because she did not vote for Trump. (She knows that I didn’t either, nor did any of our American friends here, yet it still feels like she’s trying to prove something to someone?)
She is in a relationship with a man who has two mixed-race children. I’m not sure where their mother is from, but the kids are Black-presenting. Molly mentions this a lot. It doesn’t seem like a fetish, but her focus on it seems abnormal, as if every other aspect of their character has an asterisk to it? Like she adds the detail that the children are half-Black in stories where their race doesn’t matter one bit.
She and her partner took the kids to kids to the US last summer and she mentioned several times to me and anyone who would listen how terrified she was for these Black teens to be in the US. I know that racism is a major problem in the States, especially with regard to police violence against minorities. I am not denying that and I understand her very real concern, but it seemed ballooned to me the way she kept bringing it up. Am I being insensitive? Am I ignorant to the larger problem? (By the way, there was no incident in the two weeks they were in the US).
On more than one occasion Molly has said that when she grew up (Midwest), her family had a lax view on tardiness because they followed CPT (“colored people time”). Another time someone was joking about how someone mispronounced salmon, emphasizing the L, and Molly adamantly defended that pronunciation, saying that Black people in the US pronounce it that way…
I cannot recall every micro aggression throughout our friendship, and maybe these aren’t even micro aggressions? I often feel uncomfortable at how she speaks about Diversity. I do believe that Molly sincerely wants to be an ally, so I feel like I should talk to her or point out how her comments could be persecuted, but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if I even have a right to be upset? She’s also someone who will NOT back down when she believes she’s right, no matter what evidence is presented to her.
Any advice? Should I just continue to keep my mouth shut and change the subject? Am I making mountains out of molehills?
TLDR: Friend frequently makes offhand comments that I believe she thinks are supportive of POC, but could be seen as racist and micro aggressions. Unsure if I’m overreacting or if I should talk to her.
Comments
This kinda just sounds like average white people tone deafness and idk if you can talk to her about it in a way she’s not going to be defensive over tbh. Sometimes being corrected by POC helps but if her partner isnt correcting her she’s gonna have to annoy the right one tbh
every time she mentions the kids’ race from now on, act confused why she’s bringing it up. periodically forget the kids are Black and say “oh are they?” half the time and “wait, so?” the other half.
your friend has a lot to learn about being in their life.
but all you can do is react authentically (“that’s racist, that’s mean, that makes me uncomfortable, I don’t want to hear that”) and stop protecting and enabling her with your silence. just be loud about the true way you feel.
Idk, I’m a POC albeit not black, and I don’t really see Molly as being that bad? It’s giving somewhat clueless, moderately sanctimonious white girl, and maybe she’s annoying her partner a bit, but I’m more seeing someone who is hyper-conscious of race (which makes sense as a white person perhaps dating a POC, or maybe another white person with POC children, for the first time) and rather socially awkward about it, rather than someone who has particularly racist tendencies.
Personally, I wouldn’t confront her about this, no. However, I’d give yourself permission to tune out the next time she’s banging on about this stuff at length. As much as I don’t think Molly is really being racist here, I must confess I don’t have any time for the Mollies of the world because I just find their general energy exhausting.