Me (30F) and my Husband (30M) have been married for 5 years. We have a 2yo.
When we met we were both in school and lowkey broke. I was in Law school and he was in Med school (his program is a total of 8 years instead of 4, due to doing the Phd along with medschool). When we met and got married I was working full time and going to night school so I could support us, he was and still is doing school full time with a small stipend.
when we married his mom offered “to help us” buying our first house and they got the house. I’m not on the title or loan. But I’m the one who pays for the mortgage, he pays for utilities. (don’t worry about ownership interest on the house, we live in a community property state)
After I graduated and passed the Bar exam I immediately started working as a lawyer and we were finally able to breath and save. But there are things I just cant get past:
1. his mom. She shows up uninvited and stays for long period of times, she does not help around the house or with baby, in fact only adds responsibilities to us since she wants to do stuff and want us to fix things on “our house”. Everything coming out of my pocket tho. She makes comments how I dont take care of the house properly: grass is not green enough, shouldnt pay for a cleaner bc its waste of money, I should do it myself. She also got mad at me bc I did not want to give her a key of the house, so my husband did. She lives out of state but wants to have access to the house whenever.
2. my husband: unable to set boundaries with his mom.
I also carry all the mental load of house admin, I do all groceries, know what needs to be done, any repairs, appointments, laundry, trash, pets appts, etc. whenever I complain, my husband starts helping for a while but he goes right back, and is never proactive. He is great at having excuses and is always tired due his studies (which I try to be understanding) but I don’t get to feel tired, I still do everything at home after a long day at work. So, I’m resenting him. Not bc of the money, (I know eventually he’ll make more than me) but bc Its overwhelming for me right now and he’s not contributing in other ways. I feel like I’m raising 2 children at this point.
Idk if this is normal and will pass once our kid is older or if we drifted too far apart that there is no coming back.
I’m just tired.. but is leaving even a solution? it will be hard, idk how this could affect our child, and the idea of dating and meeting even worse men is just exhausting.
Comments
I do not understand how some men, in the great year of two thousand and twenty-five, do not understand that women do not want to raise an adult child.
>whenever I complain, my husband starts helping for a while but he goes right back, and is never proactive.
Have you just complained or have you brought it to him as a problem the both of you need to solve?
Sure, it’s “normal” for women to live with men that don’t carry their weight.
It’s “normal” for women to date men that have no familial boundaries and take the oath of least resistance for them at the expense of their wives.
It’s only normal because women have low self worth, don’t stick up for themselves, and are societally conditioned to do EVERYTHING.
Super normal. Not healthy at all. You sound self aware, so you know this is a shit dynamic. Your husband is severely lacking all around. You’d likely be much more relieved only having to take care of yourself and your child, versus also him and his annoying mom.
It’s up to you if you think couples therapy can influence your husband enough to step it up for good this time. But he’s already made it clear his pattern of behavior is to put himself first each time. Hard to change that, cause why would he want to change?