A little background that’s probably salient to some of the feelings…
My parents divorced when I (48M) was less than a year old. I spent time with my dad growing up, but it was a few days per month at best and we never developed a strong bond. As adults, my sister and I have had an off-and-on relationship with him, and he’s had very little to do with my kids or my sister’s.
My dad’s current wife is in a care facility with Alzheimer’s, and he’s been dating someone for a while now.
The situation…
A few months ago, he reached out to plan a weekend trip to the Grand Canyon with me, my sister, our spouses, and his girlfriend , so we could all get to know her. We’re always hopeful that maybe someday our relationship will improve, so we were open to it.
When my sister asked if she could bring her teenage son (his grandson), my dad explicitly said no, he wanted it to be adults only. That was disappointing, especially considering he hasn’t seen his grandkids in over 8 years, and we haven’t all gotten together as a family in even longer. As a result, my sister chose not to go. I was still planning to attend, even though I was disappointed.
Then he changed the plans entirely. Instead of the Grand Canyon trip, he decided to visit Debbie’s nephew and their kids in the same city where I live. He texted me to let me know they’d be in town and hoped to get dinner with me and my wife, and maybe golf with the nephew. I responded with the following:
He replied saying “Wow [my name]! I did not expect that response,” and told me I had misunderstood everything. He justified the exclusion of the grandkids by saying, “Where do you stop with that?” and listed out the names of all the grandkids as if including any of them was opening a floodgate. Then he said [my sisters] decision to back out changed everything, and they decided to visit me and [dads grilfriends] nephew in the same trip. He ended with, “Be careful about drawing conclusions without all the information.”
A few days later, he sent another message saying my comments stung him and that the whole thing felt uncomfortable now. He then canceled the trip entirely and said maybe we could try again another year, possibly with the grandkids included next time.
Months later, he emailed me again. He said he thinks about what I said “daily,” and that my words were “harsh.” He explained the logistics and intentions behind the trip again and implied that since he was paying, he had the right to define who was included.
For what it’s worth, I’ve never asked him to pay for anything I’m financially independent. In fact when he suggested he was paying for the trip I told him no and that I’d cover my families expenses.
I’ve always just wanted some kind of relationship. I’m debating whether or not to respond to his latest message, but I also feel like I’m constantly the one making emotional space for him, and it’s draining.
AITA for pointing out the contradiction and saying how it felt? Have I been harsh? AITA?
Comments
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A little background that’s probably salient to some of the feelings…
My parents divorced when I (48M) was less than a year old. I spent time with my dad growing up, but it was a few days per month at best and we never developed a strong bond. As adults, my sister and I have had an off-and-on relationship with him, and he’s had very little to do with my kids or my sister’s.
My dad’s current wife is in a care facility with Alzheimer’s, and he’s been dating someone for a while now.
The situation…
A few months ago, he reached out to plan a weekend trip to the Grand Canyon with me, my sister, our spouses, and his girlfriend , so we could all get to know her. We’re always hopeful that maybe someday our relationship will improve, so we were open to it.
When my sister asked if she could bring her teenage son (his grandson), my dad explicitly said no, he wanted it to be adults only. That was disappointing, especially considering he hasn’t seen his grandkids in over 8 years, and we haven’t all gotten together as a family in even longer. As a result, my sister chose not to go. I was still planning to attend, even though I was disappointed.
Then he changed the plans entirely. Instead of the Grand Canyon trip, he decided to visit Debbie’s nephew and their kids in the same city where I live. He texted me to let me know they’d be in town and hoped to get dinner with me and my wife, and maybe golf with the nephew. I responded with the following:
>
He replied saying “Wow [my name]! I did not expect that response,” and told me I had misunderstood everything. He justified the exclusion of the grandkids by saying, “Where do you stop with that?” and listed out the names of all the grandkids as if including any of them was opening a floodgate. Then he said [my sisters] decision to back out changed everything, and they decided to visit me and [dads grilfriends] nephew in the same trip. He ended with, “Be careful about drawing conclusions without all the information.”
A few days later, he sent another message saying my comments stung him and that the whole thing felt uncomfortable now. He then canceled the trip entirely and said maybe we could try again another year, possibly with the grandkids included next time.
Months later, he emailed me again. He said he thinks about what I said “daily,” and that my words were “harsh.” He explained the logistics and intentions behind the trip again and implied that since he was paying, he had the right to define who was included.
For what it’s worth, I’ve never asked him to pay for anything I’m financially independent. In fact when he suggested he was paying for the trip I told him no and that I’d cover my families expenses.
I’ve always just wanted some kind of relationship. I’m debating whether or not to respond to his latest message, but I also feel like I’m constantly the one making emotional space for him, and it’s draining.
AITA for pointing out the contradiction and saying how it felt? Have I been harsh? AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My text message to my dad has me questioning if I’m the asshole. I called him out for being willing to change his plans to see his girlfriends extended family but he wasn’t willing to change his plans to see his own grandkids.
I feel like the manner I called this out to him was measured and not harsh but his response has me wondering if I am in fact the asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Something is missing. What did you say to get his response.
the fact that he has a new girlfriend when his current wife is in a facility says everything we need to know about him.
yet he is so defensive about his actions.
Nta.
don’t bother with him. you and yours have never been a priority to him.
He sounds like a real peach. As someone who doesn’t even know where my dad is, I gave up a looong time ago about having a relationship with him. Its better to let him go, and keep your peace. He will never contribute to it. He sounds like a real peach. I mean his current wife has Alzheimer’s and he has a girlfriend, why do you want him around???
No problem, glad to be of assistance.
NTA. Sadly, your father didn’t like his lack of consideration to his family pointed out. Your tone was mild in relation to the disappointment you must feel. Hopefully, he will wake up to his failure to establish meaningful bonds with his family. I wouldn’t expect this, he has made it this long without doing the right thing. I am sorry.
For anyone that read this far, thank you. Somehow I screwed up the post and it didn’t get the text I’d sent my dad originally. This is the message that I sent that has me questioning if I’m the asshole.
“I’ll admit, I’m a bit surprised by the change in plans. You weren’t willing to adjust things to include your grandkids, who you haven’t seen in years and might not have another chance to see for many more. But you were willing to adjust them to visit Debbie’s family. I think it’s worth considering how that might feel to [sisters name] too. Maybe think about how you plan to tell her that because I think it comes with some sting.
That said, your new plans sound reasonable, and I’ll make myself available for dinner while you’re here. Let me know what night you’re thinking. Golf could also be fun, so keep me posted on that as well.”
It sounds like he would welcome a relationship
withabout him. And only him.You can’t make people love and respect you. Even the people that should. Let go and be at peace.
Type back-I’m disappointed that you don’t prioritize your family
Thats it. Just the one linn
NTA. Ask yourself this…why would you want such a selfish man in your kids’ lives anyway? If he can’t even acknowledge your feelings are valid, then let him sit in his while you move on and focus on the people who actually matter.
Nta he needs a reality check 🙂 this man has a wife and kids who need him
Your dad hasn’t seen his grandkids in 8 YEARS?? And turned down the chance to see one of them?
NTA. If I were you I would tell him how disappointed you were in him as a kid, and how disappointed you are in him as a grandfather as well. He sucks.
NTA but it’s time he’s not your dad. You never had one, stop expecting anything from that stranger. When he’s old and needs help because he’s sick don’t do it. He made his bed!!! Sorry but it’s time to grow out of the dream of having a father.