Background:
I am a 33M, and I have three kids (13, 10, and 7). Three years ago on my 30th birthday, which happens to be just days before Christmas, my mother told my kids and I that we were not welcome in her home because of disagreements about COVID-19. We were planning on spending the holiday there. I happen to be a pediatrician who at the time worked in the PICU caring for some complex children due to COVID complications, and I am not willing to budge on opinions about the existence and guidelines pertaining to COVID.
My father shares similar beliefs to me, but told me he would have to side with my mother, and that my children were not welcome in their home. Most of my family agrees with my mom, and my children and I were essentially disowned.
Over the last 3 years, he has reached out asking me about the kids, asking for photos, or to meet him privately so he could see them. Of course, we are not welcome in his home or around my mother due to our belief in the pandemic. I have repeatedly told him no, as my kids were heartbroken and even went to therapy after being disowned. They have stated they do not want to see my parents as they are angry at them still. And for me, it does not sit right that he sided against us for my mother’s delusions. It hit the point where I blocked him for continuing to reach out.
The incident:
Yesterday my father was in a serious accident, and I am not sure he will make it. One of my siblings (whom I also have not seen in 3 years) called asking me to see him and even bring the kids. I declined, but I have not gotten it out of my mind.
AITA for feeling like I should not re-introduce my children to people who would disown them or treat them poorly? Even if he is dying, it doesn’t change what he or my mother did to them.
I am incredibly torn and looking for some opinions.
Comments
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Background:
I am a 33M, and I have three kids (13, 10, and 7). Three years ago on my 30th birthday, which happens to be just days before Christmas, my mother told my kids and I that we were not welcome in her home because of disagreements about COVID-19. We were planning on spending the holiday there. I happen to be a pediatrician who at the time worked in the PICU caring for some complex children due to COVID complications, and I am not willing to budge on opinions about the existence and guidelines pertaining to COVID.
My father shares similar beliefs to me, but told me he would have to side with my mother, and that my children were not welcome in their home. Most of my family agrees with my mom, and my children and I were essentially disowned.
Over the last 3 years, he has reached out asking me about the kids, asking for photos, or to meet him privately so he could see them. Of course, we are not welcome in his home or around my mother due to our belief in the pandemic. I have repeatedly told him no, as my kids were heartbroken and even went to therapy after being disowned. They have stated they do not want to see my parents as they are angry at them still. And for me, it does not sit right that he sided against us for my mother’s delusions. It hit the point where I blocked him for continuing to reach out.
The incident:
Yesterday my father was in a serious accident, and I am not sure he will make it. One of my siblings (whom I also have not seen in 3 years) called asking me to see him and even bring the kids. I declined, but I have not gotten it out of my mind.
AITA for feeling like I should not re-introduce my children to people who would disown them or treat them poorly? Even if he is dying, it doesn’t change what he or my mother did to them.
I am incredibly torn and looking for some opinions.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am ignoring my ill fathers wish to see me and my kids due to essentially disowning us for believing in the COVID-19 pandemic guidelines
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
nta but you should ask yourself- if your dad was to die tomorrow, how would you feel NOT going to see him? Just bc you go see him doesn’t mean you have to reintroduce him back in your kids lives. You don’t even have to make nice with your mom.
I guess this is the time to either change your beliefs around your father and see him, or not. Unsure if either stance would make you an ahole though.
NTA
NTA, but when your dad is dead, you’ll feel like one. Is feeling right more important than saying goodbye? Is being right enough to let your dad die alone?
Tough choice, I sort of feel for your dad being in a tough spot but equally for you for being put in it too by the decision he made. I’m sure there’s a lot of regret on both sides. What a crap situation – my only advice is do what feels right regardless of “the prior situation”. It’s a choice you’ll have to live with either way.
You have a right to stay from a toxic person, or persons. They are both toxic and not respecting your making that is to protect them, your family and people out in the world. Just do what you can for your kids. Sorry about your parents, but they decided this, not you.
Being disowned means you have no father. Him being injured doesn’t change what he did to you. Screw him and the horse he rode in on. You owe him nothing.
He was/is complicit in your mother’s betrayal of your family, over differing belief systems. It seems that there is still love there. Death is very final. Time is precious. You don’t have to reintroduced your children to the hurtful drama created by your mother. You may deeply regret not seeing your father when he needs you most. Like I said, death is final. This may be your last opportunity to tell him you love him. Not for him, for yourself. I hope you make a choice you can live with. 🙏
See your father. It may be the last chance you have.
Maybe you could go visit your dad alone, I am so sorry your mom has caused this heartache. Hugs and strength.
If it were me, I would not bring the kids (too many mixed messages for them) but would visit myself.
But NTA if you don’t visit him. When he chose to send you away, he forfeited the choice to bring you back.
if the father and mother is hostile, do not see them again, but remain connected to them at a distance. Put them in a lower focus, until they change.
Don’t bring your kids…. But if you’re really torn go meet him and say your final say before you won’t have the chance
NTA
Tough situation. If anyone is the A-hole, it would be the mother for forcing a separation in which the father is complicit.
I’m not sure anyone here has a clear answer, but i can say one thing for certain: death is the ultimate divide. If he dies, there is no possibility of reunion, mending of fences, or seeing children. Nothing.
If you feel swayed to the side of setting your father, I would recommend a compromise by going so long as any other family members that have disowned you are not present.
You’re in a tough spot, and I hope you can find peace in all of this.
I am sorry you and your family are going through this nightmare. Your father reached out to you several times over the years. He wants a relationship. But he is stuck living with his wife 24/7 so if he’s not on her “team” his daily life will be miserable. What happened is truly awful and there are no easy answers.
I support your actions and precautions on Covid. It’s a horrific virus.
If it were me, I would visit my father along with my kids (if they choose to). You can only do this once. I doubt you’ll regret it. Perhaps you want to visit him alone, just you, to gauge the situation. You have a much longer history with him.
This is just one person’s opinion as your hurt must run deep in a way that cannot be conveyed in a short post. Best wishes.
You’re in a no-win situation, and you’re doing your best to make a decision about what is best for the long term health of your children. Whatever you decide, NTA.
Yes. As anyone with a spouse knows you have to side with your partner even when you don’t agree with them. I’m sure they’ve had several arguments about this over the years. If it was your mom then no way. She’s the one who wanted no contact. I would suggest seeing your dad and only your dad since he’s the only family member who was on your side.
NTA no matter what you choose.
But your older two kids are old enough I’d tell them what’s going on and let them choose.
I mean. Trust your knowledge of your kids, trust yourself.
But you aren’t the ahole no matter what you choose.
Well, in your position ( and l have lost both my parents) l would go and see him. You know the adage is true that you don’t regret the things you do, you regret the things you don’t do.
You dont have to talk about idealogical differences or the ridiculous stance of your mum and other relatives, which must be hellish for you given your profession and training. Talk about childhood etc.
Go alone,no need for children to be involved unless you really want them to have a last visit.
I’m not going to say you’re the AH, but as someone who has lost both of their parents, you will regret not going to see him and that regret will stay with you. Don’t take your kids but please go see him.
How will you feel if your dad doesn’t make it? Will you be ok? Seems like you won’t be ok. Although you don’t owe him anything you have a heart and you know he wouldn’t have made such decisions if it wasn’t for your complicated mother. I vote to go see him
He didn’t stand up for you. Why would you want to see him?
IMO this isn’t an AH or not question; it’s about what is right for you. If he does pass and you never saw him again beforehand, how would you feel? Would you regret it?
Answer that question and you’ll know what you should or shouldn’t do.
Here’s the thing. It’s not about being an AH. It’s about living with yourself after making the choices you do. In this case, there is no coming back from your choice. If you’re able to live with yourself for the rest of your life knowing you never said good bye to your father when you had the chance, then there you go. But if you can’t swallow that pill because you know you’ll regret it, now’s the time to do something about it. Best of luck, OP.
Nope, he acquiesced to your mother’s delusion. She made his bed and he’s still lying in it, unless he passed. Let go. You may need to compartmentalise. The next generation is more important than the previous. They ignored your kids and hurt them. Avoid and keep your distance. Dad was the AH for not educating your mother and just toddling along while she led the conga. Don’t go. Avoid. Live your life with your beautiful kids.
I think you should go, but hold off on bringing the kids. Your father was out in a terrible spot by your mother. Honestly, I think you should have considered allowing your father to visit the kids, but that ship has sailed.
So, what did you decide? Tell us how your father is. Has mother tried to reach out to you?
NTA, however, if you’re questioning it, I would go. You don’t want to live with the guilt and regret for not going.
Your kids don’t want to see him, there’s your answer. Yta if you force your kids to be around someone who hurt them as much as he did.
NTA
He disowned you in support of your mom’s delusions regarding the pandemic. Actions have consequences.
If you think you need to see him, go alone. Do not subject your children to it. Likely, your mother and other family members that also disowned you will be there. You don’t want to expose your kids to them. Especially since your kids have made it clear to you that they don’t want to see your parents.