I really need reassurance and support. Please, please be kind.
My job is killing my mental health. My coworkers are either gossipy bullies or fellow peers my age who are “elites” and who don’t care about me or value me at all. They’re all in cliques I’m not a part of.
There are some coworkers who are chill but most of them are older with kids and families aren’t exactly fellow “peers” that I can be close with. And they don’t share my values or interests.
I have been doing a lot of work to see my own value, and it’s working, but being in this environment is holding me back. I will return from a weekend away where I feel good and then literally have something at work that will trigger me into tears. I cry at work at least once a week. I was just crying in the bathroom stall earlier.
I know I’m smart, capable, talented. I’m personable and charismatic. When I feel liked and supported I come alive and am funny and people like me. But here, I don’t feel valued for anything I have to offer. I shrink and I’m anxious and I feel terrible.
For one thing, this is an unstimulating boring desk job. Coming in every day 5 days a week is killing me because it’s too much of a waste of time. I need time to myself, to do other things. Not to mention it’s not at all a job or environment that reflects my capabilities, talents, and passion for things. I am not challenged, and I am not learning. I hate that.
Additionally, the social environment here also tanks my self esteem.
It’s because I’m overhearing conversations about how a bunch of these privileged (well-off, white, Ivy League educated) assholes (not all of them are, but a few) are doing things and I don’t feel included or like I am on their “level.” I don’t move in those circles of “elites” and I think that’s why they leave me out. I feel, constantly, like I am not good enough for them.
Some of them are polite enough but I am still not in the “circle.” And I have no answer for why that is, I’m just not. You know when no matter what you do, no matter how nice you are, people simply don’t include you and keep you at arms length and it drives you fucking crazy because you want to know why and you can’t get an answer? So you wonder what the fuck is wrong with you? That’s how I feel. All the time.
It’s bad because the loneliness and social anxiety starts to make me distrust people, to see everyone as looming and threatening and terrifying.
I could tell they don’t think much about me. Some people here (not my everyday coworkers but some of the people that pass through semi-regularly) even get my name wrong even though I’ve been here for a while.
Also, there are several coworkers here who are straight up gossipy or passive aggressive bullies.
But I can’t escape immediately. I know I need a new job — I might try to look for another office job that allows me to work from home and pays more. But the fact of the matter is, this job makes me fucking miserable.
It’s like when I’m on my own or surrounded by friends I feel fine and good about myself, but the moment I’m at work my brain begins to eat itself alive and I’m so anxious. It’s actually insane, the stark difference between when I’m at home and when I’m at work.
How do I feel better about being surrounded by these people who see me as inconsequential and unimportant? Who don’t care about me probably because I am not on their “level” of education and privilege? I know I’m smart (as in, I am as smart as many of them) but it’s like it doesn’t matter because they have the fancier, more impressive lives and social capital. It’s alllll about the social capital — which I never seem to have enough of.
I’m sick of being here and know I need to get out but don’t know where to start.
Has anyone faced anything like this? How did you come out on the other side? How do you deal with being surrounded by people who undeniably have more impressive lives than you?
Comments
Ugh I’m sorry. I don’t have a ton of advice but am going through something similar. My job is really draining and makes me feel stupid way more than I’d like. But I don’t really have any choice but continuing on.
All that helps me is leaning into making my life outside work as great as possible. It’s hard because sometimes I feel drained after work and just want to tune out. But I find that if I keep my calendar full with friends, events, fitness classes, etc etc, I have an easier time switching out of work mode and leaving that be until I have to go back.
I think in your case it’d be helpful to start applying to some other jobs. Even if nothing pans out right away it’s a nice way of feeling like you’re making some moves. I gotta tell you that obsessing over why your coworkers won’t “let you in” is such a losing game. They sound kind of insufferable and it probably has nothing to do with you. Focus on your own community, your friends and loved ones, and if you feel like that area of your life is kind of weak right now, join some social groups and start building it up with people that you actually share interests with instead of some random mean girls you’re forced to work with.
I know all these attitude adjustments are easier said than done, but the unfortunate reality is a lot of people are in shitty jobs right now (if they’re employed at all) and taking small steps to make your life more tolerable will add up a lot over time.
The way I would look at it is, if they got this job with an elite degree and you got this job without an elite degree, you’re the one who’s more impressive here. You achieved a similar career on your own merit, without the aid of a big name on your resume.
>How do I feel better about being surrounded by these people who see me as inconsequential and unimportant?
It’s possible that you’re a little overly emotionally invested in your coworkers. Not excusing their behavior, but it sounds like you yearn to be friends with them even though you don’t actually like them. Try focusing on the people you do like and who do value you (friends, family, etc.). You could have a photo of them at your desk to remind you of the people who care about you. How often do you spend time with loved ones outside of work? Is it possible for you to do that more often? And/or make an effort to make more friends outside of work?
>I’m sick of being here and know I need to get out but don’t know where to start.
How did you get your current job? Presumably you know how to look for jobs if you got this one. Do you have any companies or organizations in mind that you think would be a better cultural fit for you? You could research employers with a more down-to-earth workplace culture.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time. It sucks because work takes up so much of your time and energy, you have to spend so many hours of your day there. Working at a corporation is also a glorified high school is what makes it’s so damn frustrating. You think you can grow up and be an adult/ have freedom but some of these jobs are just high school 2.0.
Don’t feel like you have to prove yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong. I would try to go in, try to get your workload done and then apply for jobs to get the heck outta there.