My boyfriend(M22) and I (22F) have been together for a little over a year now, we both are the type of people who only date to marry so marriage has been a conversation from the first 6 months of us dating. He is transferring to a college 6+ hours away from where we currently live, he’s been living at home again because his parents are paying for college and to be quite honest are very strict and rely on him a lot so they wanted him back home. Upon finding out about this transfer we discussed moving in together, not only for the benefit of financials but because we simply want to. his mom explicitly has stated she will withdrawal any and all payment from school and financial support if we decide to move in together, her reasoning being she thinks i’m gonna get pregnant and “his life will be over”. not like i have my own brain or conscious decision making skills or anything but ok. ive told him many times it’s a great idea to become financially independent as i have been since i was 16 but he’s worried about the burden of it all and paying for a very expensive college, which i understand and have always told him that’s his decision to make if he wants to branch off or continue to accept that support. i have a very toxic family whom i barely am in contact with as is so idk if any of my feelings are valid because i just don’t have the family dynamic he has but i thought that was completely wrong and if anything one of the many control moves she makes. i’ve expressed my slight resentment over the situation just because i don’t like how she treats him and the fact she looks at me pretty much as a procreating machine with no brain apparently. but regardless im cordial with his family because that’s his family and he is very close to them. now enough of backstory, because he is so close and relies on his family A LOT he often will ask his mom something and only ask her opinion. I could say the same thing and he won’t believe me, ask his mom, she says the same thing and suddenly it makes sense and is correct. Today we were talking about his interview coming up, i had made a suggestion and his response was along the lines of “well my mom said this so i’m going with what she says”. I visibly got annoyed because as the “woman” in your life i would hope you don’t listen to your mom for every single thing at 22 years old and at least consider what i have to say, because if i am truly gonna be your wife one day i would hope you don’t always value her opinion over mine yk? it’s one thing to take advice from her but this isn’t a first occurance so it just kind of made me react instantly. Am i the asshole for being upset about this and starting a slight argument over the fact he can’t value my opinion and won’t stop asking his mom for every little thing?
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My boyfriend(M22) and I (22F) have been together for a little over a year now, we both are the type of people who only date to marry so marriage has been a conversation from the first 6 months of us dating. He is transferring to a college 6+ hours away from where we currently live, he’s been living at home again because his parents are paying for college and to be quite honest are very strict and rely on him a lot so they wanted him back home. Upon finding out about this transfer we discussed moving in together, not only for the benefit of financials but because we simply want to. his mom explicitly has stated she will withdrawal any and all payment from school and financial support if we decide to move in together, her reasoning being she thinks i’m gonna get pregnant and “his life will be over”. not like i have my own brain or conscious decision making skills or anything but ok. ive told him many times it’s a great idea to become financially independent as i have been since i was 16 but he’s worried about the burden of it all and paying for a very expensive college, which i understand and have always told him that’s his decision to make if he wants to branch off or continue to accept that support. i have a very toxic family whom i barely am in contact with as is so idk if any of my feelings are valid because i just don’t have the family dynamic he has but i thought that was completely wrong and if anything one of the many control moves she makes. i’ve expressed my slight resentment over the situation just because i don’t like how she treats him and the fact she looks at me pretty much as a procreating machine with no brain apparently. but regardless im cordial with his family because that’s his family and he is very close to them. now enough of backstory, because he is so close and relies on his family A LOT he often will ask his mom something and only ask her opinion. I could say the same thing and he won’t believe me, ask his mom, she says the same thing and suddenly it makes sense and is correct. Today we were talking about his interview coming up, i had made a suggestion and his response was along the lines of “well my mom said this so i’m going with what she says”. I visibly got annoyed because as the “woman” in your life i would hope you don’t listen to your mom for every single thing at 22 years old and at least consider what i have to say, because if i am truly gonna be your wife one day i would hope you don’t always value her opinion over mine yk? it’s one thing to take advice from her but this isn’t a first occurance so it just kind of made me react instantly. Am i the asshole for being upset about this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> the action i took was starting an argument with my boyfriend and the reason i need to be judged is because due to the family nature im unsure if the reasons for said argument are valid to bring up
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Congrats on being financially independent since 16 and getting yourself through college without help from your family, but that’s a lot to ask of your boyfriend to lose his source of money for rent and college just because you don’t like the relationship he has with his mom. Sounds like she doesn’t like you much either.
If I’m going to be completely honest with you, neither of you sound ready for marriage. ESH. While there is nothing wrong with going to your parents for advice no matter your age (I’m 35, and I still go to my mom for advice), he does need to be able to make his own decisions and also be able to consider your advice too. You sound resentful of how close he is with his family, probably because of your family history. You need to work on that before you move forward, or it’s going to start driving a wedge between you.
While I don’t agree with a lot of what you are describing of his parents actions, they are allowed to withdraw their money under whatever circumstances they choose. My mom probably wouldn’t have continued supporting me if I moved in with a partner in college. Her thought would have been, “You do you, but if you’re old enough to live with a partner, then you’re old enough to financially support yourself.”
So yeah, ESH.
His mom is the woman in his life. Unless you’re okay with that, you might want to consider whether you’re willing to accept a distant second place.
NTA, and neither, really is he. You both just have different priorities right now, and it doesn’t look like his are going to change anytime soon.
Congratulations on your independence. It’s something to be proud of, and to hold onto.
This dynamic is very interesting to me because it seems you both value stability but in different ways. I will say that familial support is usually a contributing factor to success, provided that the family isn’t toxic. Have you both discussed your futures aside from just marrying each other? What jobs you will have, what duties you will uphold, how the finances will work? Generally, this is something that discussed way further into a relationship, but if you’re already talking about marriage, this stuff can come with the package.
Right now, it seems like he is looking for an education that will get him into a well paying job in the future. For that, he needs his parents’ support. Since he needs his parents’ support, he needs to follow their rules. So, this is not saying that you are wrong, but that maybe both your goals need to match l each other better.
Ideally, he would take your suggestion AND his mother’s suggestion into account when forming his decision. I’ll be brutally honest, I would be very hard-pressed to take advice from someone I’ve known for six months over someone who has been providing for me for the past 22 years. However, if he truly trusts you, the most you can expect is that he can take both of your suggestions into account. This isn’t a prologue to how the rest of your relationship is, this is him respecting both you and his mom as precious people in his life.
Obviously, I don’t live your life, and I don’t know your boyfriend or his mother (or you, for that matter). But I feel that it might be helpful to work WITH the situation instead of against his mother. I’m not sure how pitting yourself against her will work out in the long run.
NTA, he is being such a mama’s boy at that age, like if you’e gonna build a life together, he needs to stand up for himself and can’t have his mom’s opinion all the time. how can he talk about marraige if he’s still dependednt with his mom’s decesions at 22.
Yeah, this is going to be your life with him. He will put mommy first. ALWAYS.
If you’re ok with that, then great! She can dictate both of your lives (because she will). If not, you should find another bf. You’ve had to take care of yourself so you’re far more mature than he is. He’s not mature. I get life is scary, but you two are not on the same page.
NTA but you’re young and you have plenty of opportunity to find someone who is more suited to you.