I told my dad if he contacts his son, I’ll disown him

r/

This has been weighing on me lately. I can’t talk anyone about it but I need to get it off my chest.

I’m 36F and my dad is 54M; he and my mom had me at the age of 19. As far as everybody knows and is concerned, I’m his first born but surprise! I’m not.

About 10 years ago I took my annual trip home to see family and friends. One afternoon I step outside for a smoke and immediately noticed my dad followed. This struck me as weird because he’s always complaining about the smell of cigarettes. I’m sitting there minding my own business when out of the blue he asks if I can keep a secret. My dad likes to “psych” you out so I said sure not thinking anything of it.

He then goes into a long story about how I’m not his oldest kid and he’s thinking about introducing his oldest son and asking him to join the family. Apparently when my dad was 13 he got a fake I.D. and frequented the local bar. This was the early 80’s, approximately 1982-83, so the legal drinking age was 18. As the story goes, he met and slept with a 23 year old, married, school teacher resulting in her getting pregnant. When she told him the first thing he did was tell my grandpa who told her she had two options:

A) She keeps the baby, lies to her husband, tell him it’s his and leave my dad alone.

2) She can try to take them to court for child support but in doing so they will pursue an underage charge. This would result in her losing her husband, teaching license and jail time. Needless to say, she chose option 1.

At the end of it all, the only people who knew my dad was the father was: my dad, grandpa and the mom.

Fast forward to the time of the revelation. He concludes the story with: “I’m thinking about reaching out to him and bringing him into the family.” Y’all, I needed a forklift to get my jaw off the floor. All I could say was “why are you telling me this?”. Well, about 3 weeks earlier, the lady tracked him down and revealed she was dying of cancer. Her son knows that her husband wasn’t his bio dad and her dying wish was for him to meet my dad. She hoped that after all this time, we’d welcome in as family since once she’s gone, he’ll have no family left. He sent her away saying he had to think about it. On the day he told me he saw her obituary and was considering it.

I told him that if he brings that person into our lives I’d leave his. That I spent my whole life hearing how I ruined his life. I told him that if he wants that bastard child in his life then I would fly back home and never return. Never talk to him, see him again and it would destroy the family.

So far he’s kept his promise. I have no remorse or regrets but I often wonder if I was in the wrong.

Comments

  1. Maleficent-Pop-7391 Avatar

    Why does it bother you so much if your dad meets his son?

  2. needlenest Avatar

    Wow. That was very selfish of you.

  3. jkshfjlsksha Avatar

    That’s honestly kind of horrible of you 🙁

  4. Sandi375 Avatar

    This just doesn’t seem real to me. Either it’s fake, or there’s a whole lot of missing context.

  5. amymae Avatar

    I feel like there is a huge piece of this story missing, because your ultimatum makes zero sense given the information you’ve shared here.

  6. Bitter_Animator2514 Avatar

    Stop being an asshat that child deserves the right to know his sperm donor and family. Get your feeling under control talk to a therapist but what you said isn’t healthy or helpful

  7. Remarkable_Buyer4625 Avatar

    I hope this story is fake.

  8. JTBlakeinNYC Avatar

    There seem to be a lot of missing reasons here.

  9. DestructicusDawn Avatar

    There are many good reasons to go NC but this isn’t one of them

  10. WritPositWrit Avatar

    You sound incredibly selfish. Why would it bother you so much for your father to contact his son??

  11. RemoteChildhood1 Avatar

    Rage bait content much??

  12. MathematicianOk7935 Avatar

    I can understand your feelings, but it’s not the kids fault at all :/ he should be able to see his dad

  13. beancalo Avatar

    Is this AI? Cause it makes no sense. He didn’t even cheat on your mom. He was a child. 13 years old, but passed as 18. And a 23yo slept with him? What?

  14. jazzmoney Avatar

    Why do I waste my time with these creative writing exercises?

  15. Worldofsynopsis Avatar

    This story makes literally no sense you are either one of the most selfish people in the world or this is a fake story.

  16. indigoorchid0611 Avatar

    I can see why you’d be upset, but what gives you the right to speak for your whole family? How would everyone else feel about this?

  17. Appropriate-Cook-852 Avatar

    Uhhh you definitely come off as the one who is shitty in this situation. If you don’t like you father then cut him off. But I have no idea why as an grown adult woman you would react this way to your dad being sexually assaulted and impregnating a woman who was an adult. You are being very selfish and acting like this actually effects you in any way.

  18. ailweni Avatar

    When I was 16, a family member told me that my mom had a child before me – she was 19, father wasn’t in the picture, and my grandfather gave her two options: put the baby up for adoption or keep it and get kicked out of the family. She chose adoption.

    Fast forward a couple decades, and I was told under the condition I never tell my mom.

    Yeah. That didn’t last long. (In my defense, I was young, angsty, and just getting past my own baby-related issues).

    My mom made it clear that she would never contact him, and that she didn’t want our family to do it either. She died when I was in my mid-20s, and my aunt waited three months before she went looking. It didn’t take her long to find him (he’d already been searching), but when my younger sister found out, she made me promise not to talk to him.

    I didn’t for a number of years but eventually the curiosity got the better of me and I told her I wanted to reach out to him. She was basically like “whatever, but I don’t want to meet him.” So I messaged him on Facebook and said, “Hey, this is odd, but I’m your sister.” He already knew who I was through my aunt and he was overjoyed to hear from me.

    The first time I saw a picture of him, it was like seeing a male version of my mom. He looked more like her than my sister and I did. We became friends, visited each other, blah blah.

    Eventually, my sister asked about him and I told her he was a great guy, he liked the same football team she and my mom liked, etc. So she reached out to him, and they hit it off immediately. She even invited him to her wedding.

    I mourn the years we could of had together, I always wanted an older brother (well, I have a half brother on my dad’s side but he doesn’t count), but I’m glad we met.

    Long story short, I know your world view (and your view of your father) is shattered, but as someone who has been in a similar position, I urge you to reconsider. I’m not saying you need to become besties, but who does it hurt if your father meets him? Maybe your brother will meet him, think he’s an asshole, and never have anything to do with him ever again.

    I know it sounds trite, but it costs nothing to be kind. You don’t have to meet him, not saying that at all, but don’t forbidden your dad from meeting him.

  19. anoncheesegrater Avatar

    Eh I have a half sibling and step sibling who got the “perfect dad” from mine because they weren’t raised by him. It bothers me sometimes but not much. I don’t think you should let it bother you. And maybe consider this other person, your sibling. They are losing their remaining parent and you shouldn’t keep them from meeting their dad because you’re spiteful. Seems like you have some stuff to work through tbh.

  20. Dangerous_Donkey4410 Avatar

    Amazing how the OP hasn’t replied to any of the questions asked here. It just seems either fake, or there is so much information missing.

  21. Beneficial-Way-8742 Avatar

    Perry!!!!!   Long time, no see

    Oh sorry, I got distracted by the blue platypus

    Wow I think you buried the lede:

    “That I spent my whole life hearing how I ruined his life.”

    Seems to me that would be the bigger issue here 

  22. Different-Version-58 Avatar

    A 13yo looks like a 13yo. A 23yo knows what a 13yo looks like. Your father was abused by a 23yo, which conceived a child he never knew. And now you are punishing him for it?

    I do hope this is ragebait.

  23. lane_of_london Avatar

    If this story is as you say, it is your definitely the arsehole

  24. notsoreligiousnow Avatar

    Wow. Why are you so against this?? There are chunks missing to the story. That is your dad’s child. You’re reacting rather hatefully. Is it bc you’re no longer the eldest? Is that some weird flex you have? He’s not an affair baby. He’s the product of a predator having sex with a minor CHILD bc that’s what your dad was. He too was a victim. Get your head out and act like an adult.

  25. NoAcanthocephala6261 Avatar

    You’re 36. What’s disowning a 54-year-old grandpa going to achieve? Seriously.

  26. Different-Control-61 Avatar

    Ok, well, if you have animosity at your father, it’s not fair to your brother.

  27. Signal-Depth-5900 Avatar

    I just met my dad’s side of the family for the first time at 31 years old…

    At his funeral.

    Keeping this other man out of your family is horrifying. He needs family right now and you are threatening more lives than just your father’s

  28. Affectionate_Egg_969 Avatar

    If it’s not a fake story, then that’s pretty unreasonable of you

  29. Millionaire007 Avatar

    Can you explain why you feel personally scorned by this person? 

  30. CryptographerFull581 Avatar

    Sooo… what did your half brother do to you? Clearly your dad made you feel guilty for existing and his desire to contact his bio son is obviously housed in guilt, but what does that have to do with your half brother and his relationship with your dad/family? Are you afraid half brother would superceed you? Are you afraid the family or your dad would like him more than you? 

    What you did wasn’t just deny your father his eldest child. You denied an orphan an opportunity to meet his bio dad. 

    Let me say this again: 

    Your half brother is an orphan. Doesn’t matter that he’s an adult. That still super sucks.

    I guess I just struggle to see why it was so important to you to use an orphan to get back at your dad. There are much better ways to do that.

    To be fair, there’s a non-zero chance your half brother wants nothing to do with him, but that’s a choice your half brother should get to make.

    So you could still get what you want after all.

  31. gobsmacked247 Avatar

    When he says bring him into the family, I wonder what that looks like. He’s 42 or there about and probably has his own family. Is your dad planning a big gender-reveal type party and thinks everyone is going to be happy and overjoyed? Are we talking spending vacations and holidays together? Did he tell you thinking yo7 would support this?

  32. MysteriousOwl5333 Avatar

    You’re wrong. you don’t get to punish a man, your brother, for something out of his control. i say this as someone who parents are divorced bc my found out a about a sister 6 months older than me. that’s quite selfish and evil tbh. there was no cheating or affair or nothing that could hurt or ruin your mom or you. how are you not excited about a brother? you’re mad bc your dad did the do as a child before you? if anything be mad at the lady but really at no one. you need to allow your dad to at least meet that man. and don’t think of it as he now wants to be a father trust me he understands this man is an adult now and he doesn’t really have to father him no more, he gets a buddy.

  33. The_Salty_Red_Head Avatar

    I don’t believe any of this.

  34. Twisted_Strength33 Avatar

    My dad, hid the fact that i had an older sibling from me for years but between the ages of 10-14 i found out about my dads oldest son, i kept his secret until 2021 when i found out he’d gotten married and never invited me. I texted him after seeing the pics of my step siblings with their kids and my younger 1/2 siblings with their kids and went off on my dad told him i knew i had an older brother and he could either tell me or i could find my brother myself. My dad immediately called and admitted it to me. December 2024 i used the message my lil brother had gotten from my big brothers sister and contacted her. Later that night at 10pm i saw my big brothers face for the very first time and i know why they reached out trying to find my dad. My big brother just wanted to know his father but instead of getting to know him first my big brother got to know me.

    When i told my dad i was nervous and scared yes he yelled at me but i told him what i knew and my dad eventually told me to give my brother his number now we both keep in touch with my brother and i gained a few more sisters.

    I was my dads oldest too until i found out about my big brother.

    Op i completely get your feelings they are valid and having been there myself please give your 1/2 sibling a chance.

  35. AcidicAtheistPotato Avatar

    Yeah, you were in the wrong. Your relationship with your dad has nothing to do with his relationship with another of his children, especially when you’re all adults now. That wasn’t your place and it was selfish as fuck. You should’ve disowned him for treating you like a burden, but to hold that over his head regarding another relationship is completely out of place.

  36. 6alexandria9 Avatar

    Honestly it sounds like u need to work on ur own traumas from ur childhood, him contacting his other kid years later is a separate issue than your issue with him. He was literally statutory raped as a child and someone got pregnant- not his fault. It’s honestly good on him to want to reach out to the kid now..

  37. sometimesfamilysucks Avatar

    Yes, you are in the wrong. And incredibly selfish.

  38. psycharious Avatar

    Yeah, this is fucked up if true. It’s not his son’s fault that your dad was an asshat to you. The fact that he’s considering reconnecting with his “bastard” shows he has some kind of remorse and the guy will presumably have no family. You’re kinda being a dick here.

  39. -rosin Avatar

    Little Nicky ?

  40. rowan1981 Avatar

    Technically, yes, you are in the wrong for telling your grown ass father who he can or cannot have a relationship with. I do get why you reacted the way you did though. You spent your life being told you ruined your fathers life, and now he wants to bring in a sibling you knew nothing about. I’d be pissed as hell too.

    heres the thing. He probably doesnt want to be a father to this guy. Hes an adult, no parenting needed. He wants the rush of reuniting, none of the work.

  41. The_Red_Tower Avatar

    If this is all the information you’re giving you’re insane for giving this ultimatum lol.

  42. TheRedditGirl15 Avatar

    Gonna be honest, this is a pretty fucked situation all around. 

    Your dad was a victim in this. His grandpa handled the situation because he wasnt old enough to make a choice himself. That woman had no business trying to contact him. I’m sure she didnt tell her son that she preyed on an underage boy. I feel awful for that son.

    Also, you could have spent more than two sentences telling us what your relationship with your dad is like. For example, if he told you that you ruined his life, why do you still see and talk to him as a fully grown adult? I’d get it if you were still relying on him financially, but you’re almost 40 and seem to be living your own life.

    I’m just confused. What has been the point of holding this over his head for ten years when you dont even like the man? Why not just go no contact?

  43. elainegeorge Avatar

    Hello fellow oldest who learned they have an older sibling. Same thing happened to me but I found out at 17.

    I wish my dad would have welcomed them into the family, but he was a decent dad for me and my sister. He refused.

    I think you’re leaving a lot out about how your dad raised you.

  44. SquareCanSuckIt69 Avatar

    I mean have you considered how the kid feels? What if he’s really cool and you end up with a cool new older brother?

  45. sugarintheboots Avatar

    Your dad is a crappy human being. But you’re no better with this ultimatum. And it’s not his other kid’s fault for being born. He has the right to have a relationship with them.

  46. Magerimoje Avatar

    So, let me get this right.

    1 – your dad was raped (because a 13 year old cannot actually consent to having sex with a 23 year old. Sure, times were different then, but a young teenager being taken advantage of by an adult was still wrong and considered statutory rape even back then)

    2 – your grandfather then essentially blackmailed the woman into lying to her husband, which forced your father to never be able to have a relationship with his son.

    3 – this son of his, who has done nothing wrong himself and was born into shit circumstances, has never been able to get to know his biological father

    4 – because your father wasn’t ready at 19 to have a child (you) and be a good parent, you suffered emotional abuse throughout your childhood, but continued to maintain a relationship with your dad into adulthood.

    5 – your father wants a chance to know his son. The son wants a chance to know his bio dad, but you’re insecure/jealous/something about it and you’re lashing out and giving your father an ultimatum so again, your father has a family member preventing him from knowing his son. First your grandfather, now you.

    With all due respect – get some therapy to heal whatever wounds from childhood still exist, and go meet your brother with your dad.

  47. tonidh69 Avatar

    Your issue is with your dad and his actions. Not the kid. What did the kid do to you?

  48. Own-Capital-5995 Avatar

    Damn daddy was a hoe.

  49. cheekiemunky13 Avatar

    Something doesn’t make sense. Why don’t you want your dad to contact your brother? What are you afraid of happening if they do connect?

    Is this about being insecure as to where you’d stand in his life? Was he a dick to you as a dad and you don’t want to have to watch him play father of the year to the new sibling?

  50. Wyshunu Avatar

    You are absolutely in the wrong. Just because you’re jealous that there is another kid does not mean you get to dictate whether your father is allowed to make up for lost time getting to know him. How flipping selfish.

  51. battle_mommyx2 Avatar

    I mean you’re acting like he cheated on your mom or something and this is an affair baby? Not that that would be an excuse. Really I don’t get why you’re acting this way

  52. sixdigitage Avatar

    Sounds like your half brother and you have more in common than a father.

    You may not realize it, but the one person who might help you see yourself is this innocent half brother. You could very well do the same with him.

  53. StnMtn_ Avatar

    >I spent my whole life hearing how I ruined his life.

    Your father sounds like a crappy dad. Just like you, your older half brother didn’t do anything wrong. Except be unlucky enough to be the offspring of your dad. Just as you were. Why not agree to meet him. If he is a decent person like you, just a person trying to survive in the world, why not give him a chance. He could be the older, supportive big brother you never had. And also have someone your dad can be toxic to. If he ends up being a drug addicted thief or mooch, feel free to block him

  54. DryConclusion5260 Avatar

    If i was your pops i would have told your funky ass to get to steppin then

  55. Livid-Finger719 Avatar

    Just because your dad’s a deadbeat and crappy father doesn’t mean it’s this kids (or adults) fault. Your father blaming you your entire life because he never learned from his mistakes isn’t his adult sons fault. Like, he never learned to use a condom? Your dad’s a bully and a moron, and hopefully has grown up.

    Does he still say you ruined his life? And why would he ask you if you could keep a secret if this is what he was planning?! Like “can you keep this secret plan to blow up my life?!”, like what. Seems he hasn’t actually grown up and is still making stupid mistakes.

  56. EntertainmentFast497 Avatar

    Why wouldn’t you want to get to know your blood family?

    I just don’t get it.

  57. NoPretenseNoBullshit Avatar

    The BS is wafting heavy on this. Try a creative writing sub.

  58. victoraug19 Avatar

    You are, without an shadow of a doubt, in the wrong in this. You are arbitrarily deciding to hurt your brother for no reason at all, and also blackmailing your Dad that was a victim in the situation

  59. lilzoz07 Avatar

    This was the plot of an Adam Sandler movie. Staaaahp!

  60. Y2Flax Avatar

    I mean, you’re depriving someone the opportunity to get to know their own flesh and blood, and you feel okay about this?