I have a couple friends where if I don’t reach out then we don’t talk for a long time. It’s annoying, I hate being the one that has to reach out constantly. Sometimes I feel like not reaching out. It’s a two way street. I don’t want to chase anyone to be my friend.
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Yes. I felt like I was the one always reaching out. So one day I said to myself. Is it just my imagination? What would happened if I didn’t initiate?
It’s been 15 years. Never heard from those two friends again.
I know they are still friends with each other because I was accidentally included on a group email a year later.
One friend asked the group to write a funny memory or a sentiment about our friend for her 40th birthday. I was going to ignore it. But I decided I needed closure. So I wrote about a time she helped me out and what a good person she is.
Hey, I am very similar to you. I had to make plans or message first etc… all the time. I built resentment for it over time and was quietly frustrated and felt undervalued by my friends as I was the one that was proactive.
I recently started to think you know what.. this is who I am. I am the glue and I like to organise these event and reach out.. it’s also for my benefit not theirs. When I shifted my own judgement of myself and value my ability as a person who is really good at organising and maintaining my friendship. The new friends I have made are very reciprocating in being proactive.
I think this new mindset changed how I view the lazy ones that don’t do anything and also because I have a higher value for my proactiveness I inherently select friends who are also productive and not let the ones that aren’t bother me.
This took me a very long time to realise and shift my perspective so I hope it gives you some light..
Some people are just lazy and terrible at keeping a connection going. And we cannot change them. But we can change our view of ourselves.
Yes and I stopped doing that and started to do things by myself and meeting new people. Life’s too short to be the only one making time for others. A friendship is a relationship and needs just as much work as a relationship at least in my eyes. Life gets in the way but it doesn’t take much to reach out and say hello or just to check in.
When I cut back on social media use I realized pretty quickly that I was almost always the one reaching out and without social media activity reminding my friends that I exist, they basically just started acting like I don’t exist. I knew I was kind of a loner but I didn’t realize to what extent until now. Oops. My social circle has become just my partner, my mom, my son, and sometimes my sister all because I have zero interest in being “friends” with people who never reach out or make plans.
I have no problems reaching out to my friends. My main gripe is if I KEEP reaching out, making plans, and nothing ever materializes between the two of us (i.e., coffee dates, simple catch-ups), but then I see you with your other friends on days when we’re supposed to meet. It’s a clear and loud message that my time isn’t important at all. I’ve stopped giving effort to the ladies in my life who do that. I’m happy solo, with my husband, and with other friends who reciprocate efforts and energies.
Yes, which is why I stopped. Reaching out is a Two way street
I had this situation with a best friend of mine. I said something like “hey it really hurts my feelings how I’m always the one to reach out to make plans. I really want to see you and it just doesn’t feel reciprocated” She apologized and explained what was going on on her side, totally unrelated to me, and things improved a lot.
I agree, it’s a two way street. If they never text or call you, maybe it’s not meant to be
Friendships have been hard for me lately for this reason. I have a few friends like this and I have one friend who I do hear from, but only so she can vent about shit in her life. It’s frustrating for sure.
Yeah. If they really truly never reach out then I’ve let those friendships go. It’s definitely sad though I feel it’s the right move. There’s one person who was my best friend for years and I just found out he left the a couple years ago state and I didn’t even know. He stopped reaching out when he got into a relationship.
If it’s more like I have to initiate 60/75% of the time I weight what else (if anything) I gain from the friendship and if I still find value in the connection then they become friends I only see a few times a year.
Now if I’m always the one reaching out but they always respond or are always up for what I suggest…I’ve decided to be okay with that. I understand I’m more of a go-getter than most.
That’s why I never do anymore. I got tired of it 2 yrs ago and just stopped reaching out to the 3 family members I have left. Oh well. I was a burden anyway
Yes. I’ve stopped watering dead plants. I’ve come to accept that friendships come and go. I surround myself with people who remember me, reach out to me, and reciprocate enthusiasm.
I used to fixate more on initiation evenness. Now I’m more of a “from each according to his ability to each according to his need” type of guy. As long as my needs are being met, i.e. I still find the relationship fulfilling, I don’t see the value in making sure we each reach out with equal frequency. That’s effort I’m willing and able to give.
Yes and I stopped and now i hang out with no one but my husband and kids but oh well.
I had a similar epiphany around the holidays last year. So I decided to text all my friends first, check in with them, call them, tell them happy holidays, etc. New Years Day, I deleted every social media account I had and just waited to see who would call or text me. I vowed to wait it out because I know I was always reaching out first. It’s been over 3 months and so far I’m down a few “friends”, but honestly it’s been really nice to know which ones genuinely cared about me. It made moving forward in our friendships genuine.
You know what’s worse ?
When people reach out and it’s just useless small talk.
Don’t reach out to me at all unless you are making solid plans …like going for a drive or road trip lol. 🤷
I have some friends like this. Recently had a sudden passing in my family and the “one sided” friends I have, have not even reached out despite the grieving I’m going through currently. That was the final straw I needed in the friendship.
I stopped expecting from them,because it makes me sound like I am not worthy of their time!!
So I choose myself and being happy:)
I had a close friend that always complained that I didn’t message her enough. But the problem was that she also didn’t message me enough, and expected it to all be on me really, with like a once or twice a month message from her. Needless to say there were also a few other issues in our relationship, and it felt like she was changing based off the people that she was hanging around since we didn’t live in the same city. Currently, we are not friends anymore, even though we still follow each other on social media.
I’m that person. It’s not a trait I like in myself. I’ve had to have deep conversations with a few of my friends and apologize, really hear from them about how it feels and then make small efforts I feel I can do.
But also, my dearest friends love me no matter what, and have come to accept that I disappear or flow in and out of communicating stretches. I am really grateful to them for this, and I express that to them often. It honestly really makes me feel seen, like I am loved for who I am.
I’m also a REALLY PRESENT friend if we are together, or if we do get each other on the phone. So I think that helps.