I’m in 11th grade. I’ve read many books from my current English class where a child of dysfunctional parents goes against their trauma, their support system, and their gut to shower their parents with love and affection. That scene is always painted as an epiphany, the child finally coming into who they’re meant to be.
The parents in these stories range from reckless but still caring to violent alcoholics and domestic abusers. Keep in mind the parents are different, but that scene is always the same, and each book is marketed as a favorite from past classes. This confuses me because I have really abusive parents. Manipulators, gas lighters, everything except for physical violence.
I’ve always believed you don’t need to forgive your abusers regardless of who they are. Every other English teacher I’ve had has offered multiple nuanced perspectives. This one never bothered explaining. Furthermore, I’ve shared the abuse with my counselor, he told me that I should respect my parents and give them grace, no matter what. Are the teacher and counselor right?
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It would help to see the reading list to fully assess what is going on.
I’m going to guess you go to a religious school. In my opinion you are correct. You don’t need to forgive anyone for anything. These books they’re making you read sound very self serving and like they have nothing to do with reality.
You will be stuck in a position where you will probably have to keep your feelings to yourself until you are old enough to take care of yourself. Work hard, study hard, learn everything you can, and know that you will be able to escape and make a good life for yourself.
No, they are not right.
It’s often good to let go and move on from harmful memories but that’s not the same as forgetting, nor does it mean you have to stay in touch.
Just like with friends, some family members are beneficial to you, others are harmful to you. While it may be beneficial to keep a cordial relationship even with people who are mostly neutral to you, there is no benefit to staying in touch with an abusive family member.
Both my parents hit me growing up, my father more than my mother. My mother however cared about me, and while she had flaws, she did her best to support me and give me more than she had herself growing up. I’ve forgiven her as best I can, and we have a mutually supportive relationship now.
My dad however, was aside from the physical abuse also mentally abusive. My relationship with him was far worse than "neutral", so an adult, interacting with him brings up painful memories that drain my energy. To this day, interacting with him is a considerable net negative for me.
So I ended my parent-child relationship with him. I no longer consider him my father, and I only see him on major family events like graduations.
Your main responsibility is towards yourself. Allowing your parents to walk all over you is not kindness.
You have every right to take every precaution necessary to protect yourself from the harm your parents cause you, which can range anywhere from limiting how you interact with them, all the way up to going no contact, if needed.
Your teacher and counsellor are confusing normal teenage – parent conflict with an abusive parent-child relationship. The solution that works for most teens doesn’t work for teens of abusive parents, and as such their advice is harmful to you.
I don’t see how anyone, clearly going through daily stress and abuse, can find enough clarity to respect the abuser. Maybe later, when the victim is no longer being abused. And at that point, for the abused person’s sake, forgiveness may be possible. But one should never forget it. One can’t forget it. That’s a pollyannaish, romantic myth that shouldn’t be touted as a goal to achieve. One can’t forget learn from the experience, and should do so. The school counselors aren’t doing their job if they’re encouraging respect at such a time.
Any counselor who tells you to "respect your parents no matter what" is dangerous and probably not professionally licensed. Respecting their house rules is one thing, but abusive behavior is another. People want things to be easy and look good, but families don’t work that way. Once you’re 18 you can legally move out and decide if you want to give any of these people any grace. Trust your gut on this.
I agree with your perspective. So many books deny adolescents their own experiences. "You’ll grow out of it. When you’re grown up you’ll understand " and all those other platitudes. If you’re lucky, you will grow in understanding, and you will become a sane human adult, able to see from a different perspective. But that should not and will not make what you’re going through okay, or something to forgive and forget. Not to mention, nobody should be expected to give up their future to take care of their abusers. It’s not saintly, it’s a misuse of a life and of opportunities to learn, grow, and do new things. Just my opinion. Live your life well, take with you what’s good, and leave the crap behind.
Your teacher and your counselor are wrong. Parents are not suppose to manipulate or gas light their children.
Your counselor is awful. Not everyone deserves forgiveness.
Some people feel forgiveness as an emotion often after a long time of consideration, others believe forgiveness is a decision you can make. In any case you don’t have to forgive anyone who hurts you. Ever. Have they ever asked you for forgiveness??
i come from a vaguely similar situation – parents were emotionally neglectful and i ended up with a handful of mental health diagnoses because of it. you don’t need to forgive your parents.
people will say "they were trying their best" or "parenting is difficult, everyone makes mistake", and while true, those things do not erase the harm your parents have done. as you grow and mature, you might come to understand why your parents did the things they did, see their twisted logic, or emphasize with the situation they were in, but even if you do that does not mean you have to forgive and forget. understanding does not excuse away their behavior. your parents have hurt you, regardless of if they intended to or not, and that can’t be blown past or ignored. your parents were adults, and should have known better, unlike the child you were
the healing part is learning to move forward from the pain and anger and resentment and stop carrying it with you all the time. i can’t forget it, but i no longer waste my energy being angry and resentful, or ruminating on everything that went wrong and how i wished it could have been different. i haven’t shut my parents out completely, but i honestly don’t talk to them much, and i only update them on super major life events, like a new job or moving. i dont rely on my mom for any emotional support because i know she can’t be trusted with personal problems (goes and blabs about everything to everyone). that’s just the consequences of her previous actions
OP, I got so wrapped up in if the titles you were assigned to read had an intended message behind their selection, I failed to address your final question. As far as your final paragraph, about if you should respect abusers and forgive them or not, I would say that is a case-by-case situation. Rarely, abusers will get help and grow as people, but the research indicates that more often than not, they do not do this. It is not on you to forgive anyone who has abused you or treated you badly. For your own peace, you can choose to forgive them in your own mind, but never forget, and certainly do not let them back into your life if you decide to go no contact. I would never tell an abuser that you forgive them because then it makes what they did ok in their mind.
No, your teacher and counselor are not right. When you have abusive parents, you need to take care for yourself but keep in mind that they legally have power over you until you’re an adult.
I think a lot of adults push this forgiveness idea because a lot of children distance themselves from their abusers. Then the abusers have no one in their old age.
Stay strong and good luck!
Whatever religion this is, I hope you leave it went you become an adult.
I think you are seeing things through the lens of a person with your negative experiences, and what is resonating most with you from these TWO stories is the cycle of abuse and some people showing forgiveness. I wouldn’t say the teacher is “pushing an agenda” because TWO stories you’ve read share this common element. If there were a lot more stories that ALL had this element as a major part of the story, that might be a cause for concern. And is the teacher actually SAYING in class and/or through assignments that abused people should forgive their abusers?
One of the interesting things about all art, including literature and films, is that each reader/viewer is going to have a somewhat different experience of the story, based on their own built-in filters, which in turn are based on their own experiences. It isn’t the fault of the creator of the art that certain parts of their work (which in itself likely borrows from their life experiences) really hit a nerve with you. And it’s okay that it does. That gives you a chance to reflect on your own life and how you need to process your own stuff.
I’d be careful about looking for a pattern after only two stories, or in assuming ill intent on the part of your teacher. You might be looking for a fight where there isn’t one to be had. As for your own painful experiences, I hope you have resources to get help dealing with those.
I’m sorry you’re having this experience – nothing about it sounds normal to me! Not the point, but what books has she had you read? Just curious as an English teacher.
When I was about your age I learned that grown-ups/teachers/adults in authority aren’t only wrong often, they use their power, privilege and control to push and project their own individual agendas. Listen to your gut. That guidance counselor is bad at their job.
You don’t have to forgive them. Once you can support yourself, you don’t even have to interact with them ever again.
That said I’ve noticed a lot of peoples relationships with their parents improve drastically once they move out or get to like 23yo or so.
Also, you’re 17ish. Your brain is literally still growing the part that is responsible for risk assessment and several other higher functions. Your perspective may be skewed just because of that, let alone hormones and instincts that push you to "leave the nest". There’s a reason military recruiters and college loan companies target teenagers – it’s because they literally cannot (generally) think rationally about the idea of being shot or having a whole ass mortgage for their education.
It sounds like you need to toe the line until you’re 18 and then get the hell out of dodge
You should forgive them for your own mental health. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should stay in situation where you are being abused.
Those books are commonly assigned to students of your education level.
No "agenda" here.