To give context, my best friend of 13 years is getting married in 6 weeks and asked me to be her maid of honour. I’ve put a lot of time, effort, and money into planning her hen-do, which happened this past weekend. Unfortunately, I came down with a cold the night before. I let her know the morning of, as she usually prefers to avoid seeing me when I’m ill, but I told her I still wanted to be there for her. She said she appreciated the heads-up and wanted me to come anyway.
The hen-do plan went really well, and I pushed through the day- taking cold and flu tablets and trying to stay upbeat. By 1:30am at the club, I’d lost my voice and was in pain, so I let her know I was heading back to our apartment but hoped she enjoyed the rest of the night. She said she understood, we hugged and see you soon.
The next morning, while photos were being shared in the group chat, I saw one posted by her older sister with the caption “fuck lucy” (my name!). It was clearly meant to be private and sent by mistake. I was shocked and upset. I sent it to my best friend with a question mark, and she just replied, “idk it wasn’t me.” When we spoke, she admitted she knew her family and family friends had been talking negatively about me but didn’t want to cause drama because she “only gets one hen-do.”
This really hurt. I’ve always been loyal to her and would never let anyone, including my own family, speak badly about her. I felt betrayed that she allowed that to happen—and also joined in—and is now brushing off my feelings to keep things smooth for her wedding. She hasn’t addressed her family’s behaviour but expects me to continue as maid of honour and act like nothing happened. She’s choosing to not understand why I’m upset, even though her actions go against what I value in our friendship and I’ve explained that I’m hurt.
I feel disrespected, unsupported, and no longer comfortable being in this role—especially alongside people who were bitching about me behind my back. Honestly, it feels like a friendship-ending situation.
AITA for thinking about stepping down as maid of honour or even ending the friendship?
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To give context, my best friend of 13 years is getting married in 6 weeks and asked me to be her maid of honour. I’ve put a lot of time, effort, and money into planning her hen-do, which happened this past weekend. Unfortunately, I came down with a cold the night before. I let her know the morning of, as she usually prefers to avoid seeing me when I’m ill, but I told her I still wanted to be there for her. She said she appreciated the heads-up and wanted me to come anyway.
The hen-do plan went really well, and I pushed through the day- taking cold and flu tablets and trying to stay upbeat. By 1:30am at the club, I’d lost my voice and was in pain, so I let her know I was heading back to our apartment but hoped she enjoyed the rest of the night. She said she understood, we hugged and see you soon.
The next morning, while photos were being shared in the group chat, I saw one posted by her older sister with the caption “fuck lucy” (my name!). It was clearly meant to be private and sent by mistake. I was shocked and upset. I sent it to my best friend with a question mark, and she just replied, “idk it wasn’t me.” When we spoke, she admitted she knew her family and family friends had been talking negatively about me but didn’t want to cause drama because she “only gets one hen-do.”
This really hurt. I’ve always been loyal to her and would never let anyone, including my own family, speak badly about her. I felt betrayed that she allowed that to happen—and also joined in—and is now brushing off my feelings to keep things smooth for her wedding. She hasn’t addressed her family’s behaviour but expects me to continue as maid of honour and act like nothing happened. She’s choosing to not understand why I’m upset, even though her actions go against what I value in our friendship and I’ve explained that I’m hurt.
I feel disrespected, unsupported, and no longer comfortable being in this role—especially alongside people who were bitching about me behind my back. Honestly, it feels like a friendship-ending situation.
AITA for thinking about stepping down as maid of honour or even ending the friendship?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I’m arguing with my bestfriend may fall out and/or step down as her maid-of-honour weeks before the wedding 2) given the context, does this make me the asshole? We are both of different opinion on the matter.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
“and also joined in”
What is the context of her joining in? Earlier parts of your post make it sound like she just didn’t step in to stop it.
“and is now brushing off my feelings to keep things smooth for her wedding”
I mean…she has a lot on her plate with a wedding in six weeks, maybe trying to address things now doesn’t give the matter the space it deserves?
“…for thinking about stepping down as maid of honour or even ending the friendship”
Unfortunately they’ll be one and the same.
Tbh whichever way you go I don’t think you’re an a-hole. Based off the info here though it’s kinda hard to say your friend is one; or just someone who chose to be Switzerland cause of whatever else she has going on.
That sucks. Big time. Before stepping down, confront the family/friends. Call them out and find out exactly wtf their problem is. YOU SHOWED UP SICK, at your friend’s request, and did your thing. What else did they expect from you. Don’t just end the friendship without getting some answers first. NTA
ESH: she should have stepped in and told people to cut you some slack.
But now, you are insisting that, on top of everything else that she is dealing with for her wedding, she get involved in her sister’s ill-mannered behaviors.
Damn, whole situation sucks, NTA, I would also feel uncomfortable being the maid of honour at a wedding where the bride’s family talks shit behind my back. They all suck.
Girl what friends lets you get shit talked ? Her older brother sister will shit talk you if you’re at the bridal party or not. Just leave don’t deal with this drama. Why should you help someone who lets you get shit talked ? Like genuinely I would never let my friends get shit talked like that no mater how busy I am. If it was one quick comment I’d understand she’s busy and all but it wasn’t and not only that she added fuel to the fire by also complaining about you giving the heads up it’s okay to do so NTA
This is craaaazy. I would not be showing up to a friends wedding that allows me to be disrespected and ignored my feelings afterwards. I get wedding planning is stressful n all, but it doesn’t give the right to dismiss bad behaviour.
NTA
NTA. A wedding is not a summons and that is true of being a maid of honor. If you feel disrespected by the bride’s family and unsupported by your friend, you absolutely have every right to step out of that role. You need to prioritize your own mental health and your own boundaries and it sounds like that’s exactly what you are doing.
It would definitely be friendship-ending if you stepped aside as maid of honor. But you’d be justified in doing so.
Why did they say that? Were they mad bc you were sick?
NTA. I’m unclear why they made these comments. Was it because you were sick? That wouldn’t make any sense, so there must have been an entire discussion about you that led up to it. This sounds like a shitty group of people. I would seriously consider cutting this friend loose.
INFO: this seems an extreme reaction by Lucy’s older sister for simply going home early… Do you think, being as objective as you can, there’s ever been times where you pull focus from Lucy – even in minor ways? Regardless of if you mean to or not? Soldiering on bravely through a cold to you might be your way of showing up for her, but also could look a lot like a desire for attention to others.
I guess I am just trying to work out how something like this comes entirely out of nowhere, with someone whose family you have conceivably known for the same length of time as your friendship?