my (23m) girlfriend (23f) has a lot of male friends. i have no problem with that. im secure in our relationship and in myself. with that being said i do have a problem with the way she compliments them. she will tell them they are ‘sexy’ and ‘hot’ and says that its just her way of platonically hyping them up, and isnt any different to her calling her girl friends sexy and hot. she said if i have a problem with it she has to rethink our relationship. i think the choice of language is just a bit disrespectful and it makes me uncomfortable. AITA for having a problem with it? are we just incompatible?
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my (23m) girlfriend (23f) has a lot of male friends. i have no problem with that. im secure in our relationship and in myself. with that being said i do have a problem with the way she compliments them. she will tell them they are ‘sexy’ and ‘hot’ and says that its just her way of platonically hyping them up, and isnt any different to her calling her girl friends sexy and hot. she said if i have a problem with it she has to rethink our relationship. i think the choice of language is just a bit disrespectful and it makes me uncomfortable. AITA for having a problem with it? are we just incompatible?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) stating to my girlfriend that i have an issue with the way she talks to her male friends. 2) im afraid of being the ‘controlling’ boyfriend or that im just completely incorrect in having any kind if problem with her talking like that when she assures me that its platonic.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
My wife calls her girlfriends sexy and hot to hype them up, I would never take it as literal nor would she want me to. She is probably pretty innocent with it, but she also doesnt get to tell you that your thoughts on it arent valid. If that is where your boundaries are, you shouldnt have to compromise them but neither should she. Sometimes things dont always work out ya know?
NTA, if she’s gonna rethink the relationship because you want boundaries and have feelings, I’d say run far away lol
You deserve better 🙂
YTA. Unless she’s stroking their faces or arms when she tells them these things, or does it in a breathy, sexy, voice herself, then yes, these are legitimate things to say to your friends, male or female, to get them feeling good about themselves.
Without a lot of other indicators that she’s flirting or coming on to them, tone of voice, body language, being receptive and attentive to their responses, etc., then this is all your own insecurity.
And it’s not surprising that she would want a rethink of your relationship here, because you’re showing signs of needing to limit or constrain her friendships based on gender and interactions that she thinks are fine.
Nope!
Dude if you are uncomfortable and can’t agree to it, leave. You are 23 you will meet another person who checks all your boxes…. Life is short don’t waste it
Some people genuinely have that kind of energy (or vibe or personality). They can comfortably and platonically navigate relationships.
If your girlfriend does in fact amp up her women friends sometimes by pointing out their sexual attractiveness she may just be less awkward than a lot of us.
You guys may be incompatible tbh. I don’t see anything inherently wrong there. You guys are also young. I think you may be secure in your relationship but not yourself if her complimenting another man genuinely or just hyping them up bothers you and feels disrespectful. My husband and I talk about attractive people all the time and it doesn’t feel disrespectful. Everyone has their line though. And you’re not wrong to draw one. Both parties are valid and allowed to have boundaries. I don’t think you guys will see eye to eye on this, there isn’t really a way to compromise.
NAH. You are uncomfortable with it, and it sounds like you expressed it appropriately. She has to consider what that means for your relationship and whether you guys are really compatible. Sounds completely reasonable and appropriate on both sides.
It’s not about trust, it’s about respect. You’re allowed to feel weird about that. If she’s doubling down instead of talking it out, maybe she’s not that into mutual respect.
I think its pretty common for people to call their friends sexy, hot, attractive, etc. in the context of hyping them up especially if it’s about encouraging them to talk to someone they find attractive. Does she say it at random times or during normal conversation? Why exactly does it make you uncomfortable? Maybe you aren’t as secure as you thought you were in the relationship?
Either way, if that’s a boundary that both of you aren’t willing to compromise then that’s okay, sometimes people just aren’t compatible. You’re both young, you can find other people.
NAH you might just be incompatible. Nothing wrong with you feeling uncomfortable, and nothing wrong with her carrying out her friendships how she wants to.
Nope, NTA for having (and communicating) boundaries. If it is something you’re not willing to compromise on then maybe you aren’t compatible. If that’s the case, it might be better for the both of you to walk away.
I was on the fence til she said that last part. It ain’t even about whether she’s faithful. It’s respect.
That’s really odd that she does that and does not see how that could be damaging. The fact she has guy friends at all is a red flag cuz they would smash on a moments notice if she gave the green light
This is one of those situations where tone, context, situation, body language, etc makes allllll the difference. I can see myself calling a female friend attractive (although I would draw the line at sexy) in an attempt to boost her up when she’s feeling low. But it would be in a very clearly platonic way that didn’t send mixed messages.
So I can’t really answer beyond a very tepid NAH. Because I genuinely don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable about it. But I also don’t want to fault her intentions, because they could be genuine and well meaning.
Just because she is with you does not mean her sense of aesthetic disappears. She probably still sees men and realizes they look attractive but that doesn’t mean she considers leaving you. Her not being honest with her friends to hype them up is waaay less weird than the whole ‘you are the only one I can see’ thing. If she’s open about it she obviously means nothing malicious.
Not the asshole
If she does that in front of you, imagine behind your back. She has a boyfriend to consider now. That’s single activities.
If you were calling girls sexy and hot I don’t think she’d be happy about it. NTA
NTA The problem with your girlfriend’s position, of insisting on being able to comment to her male friends’ on their sexual attractiveness, is that it will inevitably throw the cat amongst the pigeons, regardless of her intentions, and not just with you.
This kind of thing is just asking to be misunderstood. Her partner, her friends’ partners, the male friends themselves — everyone but her could misunderstand and think her blatant expression of sexual attraction is a declaration of interest (even if under the cover of “hyping” the guy up). And this is assuming she is being honest with herself about why she does this.
She is ignoring how anyone else might feel about this because of what she gets out of doing it — and I’m betting that it’s not just about supporting her male friends’ feelings of sexual attractiveness, but her own too, by bringing a flirtatious vibe into things.
She isn’t demanding freedom. She is demanding license: you can like it or lump it, but if you raise it as an issue your relationship will be reconsidered from her side. She’s insisting that there be no negative reaction from your side to her actions if they make you uncomfortable (or else).
That said, in the end she has a right to do what she wants — but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to put up with her acting however she wants when you find it disrespectful to your relationship. You also have a right to speak up and to end things from your side if she insists that she must be allowed to flirt with her male friends while you all pretend it’s her supporting their self-esteem. You don’t owe her license.
NTA. “If you have a problem with this, I should rethink our relationship” Bro that’s a huge red flag. She seems extremely egotistical and she is ready to dump you over a simple concern you have with a certain thing of hers.
>im secure in our relationship
>I do have a problem with the way she compliments them
I think it’s okay to have boundaries, and to be open about them, and to feel however you want to feel.
But only one of those sentences can be true.
NTA for having boundaries. This would move into YTA if you try to manipulate her into no longer doing it. It’s perfectly acceptable to tell her this makes you uncomfortable and this is a dealbreaker for you. Nothing else needs to be said, if behavior doesn’t change it’s a compatibility issue.
That being said, it wouldn’t bother me at all if all the other signs are there that she loves me and we have a healthy relationship. What’s the worst that could happen? She cheats on you? It’s not really that bad at the end of the day, it just proves she’s untrustworthy and lets you move on.
Trust me, my biggest fear was being cheated on and it happened and it hurt really bad but I got over it and chose to not worry about what I can’t control. It made me a better person and showed her true colors. Win/win.
Anytime I’ve seen a situation where a lady talks about a guy she knows like this, they hook up.
NTA. A lot of weird redditors in here who are definitely not in relationships and don’t understand the concept of healthy boundaries. Seriously, please ignore them.
NAH. You are uncomfortable with it, and it sounds like you expressed it appropriately. She has to consider what that means for your relationship and whether you guys are really compatible. Sounds completely reasonable and appropriate on both sides.
If you are so secure, why does it make you uncomfortable then?
I would hate if my friend suddenly stopped hyping me up because their partner was being weird about it. Especially when it’s just about giving someone an ego boost on a shitty day.
IDK man, I feel like you are way overreacting and putting your insecurities on your GF. YTA.
I think more so than the problem of her calling her friends that is her saying if you have a problem with it you’ll break up. You bring up something that makes you uncomfortable and instead of asking herself if it is in fact okay she threatens to break up. You need someone who you can talk to.
NTA
“If you have a problem with that, then I value you as my partner and how that makes you feel, more than I value my friends egos, because I’m mature enough to put you before them, and I won’t do it anymore” is what they should have said.
Drop them