I (31f) live with my roommate Maya (31f), a longtime friend from college. We generally get along really well.
Last week Maya had Ben (30m) visit for a few days, another college friend we both know. He’s more her friend than mine but we’re friendly. Ben was raised in a pretty sheltered, ultra-Christian household. Like no Halloween, no Harry Potter type of sheltered; now turned atheist
I have a small altar in the living room. It’s in the far corner clearly arranged with a statue, altar cloth, bowls and a few candles. It’s not hidden away but it also doesn’t look like random decor
The morning after Ben’s first night, I walked into the living room and noticed that one of my most significant ritual candles had been burned down by a third. It was handmade, charged and not something I can just replace. I only light it during specific offerings, so it was very noticeable that it had been used.
I asked Ben and he said “oh yeah I lit a couple candles while I was hanging out. That one smelled amazing.” I told him that it wasn’t just a candle, it was part of my altar and I really wish he’d asked first before helping himself to my stuff. He just said “oh… my bad”
Just really flippant, like it was ridiculous i was even bringing it up. I pushed a little and was like… “hey this mattered to me and you didn’t even apologize. It wasn’t just a regular candle”
And he shrugged and said “it’s just a candle. I can get you one at the mall today”
And then I just walked away and slammed my door because I was going to blow up. I JUST said it wasn’t just a regular candle and then he said he’d replace it from like bath & body works as if he didn’t care about anything I just said
Maya’s been neutral. She didn’t say I was wrong to be upset but she also said I should try to let it go since it wasn’t intentional. But I’m stuck. I don’t think I should have to baby-proof my own living room or explain the basics of respect to a grown adult. At the same time, I get that he might’ve truly not known what he was looking at.
I replaced the candle but my altars felt off-balance since. And I can’t tell if I’m being inflexible or if this really was an avoidable disrespect. Is it really that crazy to assume adults shouldn’t mess with things that aren’t theirs?
AITA?
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I (31f) live with my roommate Maya (31f), a longtime friend from college. We generally get along really well.
Last week Maya had Ben (30m) visit for a few days, another college friend we both know. He’s more her friend than mine but we’re friendly. Ben was raised in a pretty sheltered, ultra-Christian household. Like no Halloween, no Harry Potter type of sheltered; now turned atheist
I have a small altar in the living room. It’s in the far corner clearly arranged with a statue, altar cloth, bowls and a few candles. It’s not hidden away but it also doesn’t look like random decor
The morning after Ben’s first night, I walked into the living room and noticed that one of my most significant ritual candles had been burned down by a third. It was handmade, charged and not something I can just replace. I only light it during specific offerings, so it was very noticeable that it had been used.
I asked Ben and he said “oh yeah I lit a couple candles while I was hanging out. That one smelled amazing.” I told him that it wasn’t just a candle, it was part of my altar and I really wish he’d asked first before helping himself to my stuff. He just said “oh… my bad”
Just really flippant, like it was ridiculous i was even bringing it up. I pushed a little and was like… “hey this mattered to me and you didn’t even apologize. It wasn’t just a regular candle”
And he shrugged and said “it’s just a candle. I can get you one at the mall today”
And then I just walked away and slammed my door because I was going to blow up. I JUST said it wasn’t just a regular candle and then he said he’d replace it from like bath & body works as if he didn’t care about anything I just said
Maya’s been neutral. She didn’t say I was wrong to be upset but she also said I should try to let it go since it wasn’t intentional. But I’m stuck. I don’t think I should have to baby-proof my own living room or explain the basics of respect to a grown adult. At the same time, I get that he might’ve truly not known what he was looking at.
I replaced the candle but my altars felt off-balance since. And I can’t tell if I’m being inflexible or if this really was an avoidable disrespect. Is it really that crazy to assume adults shouldn’t mess with things that aren’t theirs?
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I didn’t explicitly tell him not to touch it and he might not have recognized it as spiritual. I might’ve overreacted by slamming the door and holding a grudge
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
nta, its your stuff, hes a grown adult and he should know not to touch it
Soft YTA because you might want to think about keeping your altar in your bedroom (and not in the living room) if it is only for your personal use.
NTA. He was a guest and he used something without even asking. Even more so if it was clearly set aside for something special. He wasn’t thinking, but he needs to learn that he should think and be considerate of his host.
INFO
> It was handmade, charged and not something I can just replace.
Charged?
I wouldn’t be lighting a candle in a friend’s apartment, though I also wouldn’t leave important candles lying around assuming others would have the same view as me. So I’m kinda leaning towards NAH. Sounds like he made a mistake and you were upset for a reason; nobody sounds like an ahole to me.
NTA…Good guest etiquette says that you shouldn’t touch stuff that’s not yours without asking first. This is good life etiquette really.
Unless someone said “do not light the candles “ I would not assume they were untouchable. I think if the alter is that precious to you it should either be moved to a non public space or specifically mentioned that it’s off limits.
Nta but you might want to check your self for anger issues. Touching things you don’t own and when you are a visitor in someone else’s house is supposed to be a common sense NOT to do. But americans dont have a lot of those. You have to explicitly say things.
In his defense tho, if you did not explain afterwards why he couldnt just buy it from bath and body then just stormed off, or explained it in a way where you were already angry then yeah.
I agree. He shouldn’t have lit your candle. He apologized and agreed to replace it – just not with as much fervor as you would have liked. You responded by slamming doors and yelling. Jeez. Light some candles and relax. ESH.
NTA. Look up the price on the Internet and text it to him.
NTA. What he did was VERY inconsiderate. Hard to know if it was pointed. The skeptical part of me feels like, as he is someone who may have essentially rejected religion, he is being somewhat purposeful in ‘playing down’ the significance of these items to you. If so, that’s EVEN MORE AHish. But if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, he’s simply a shitty guest. Your roommate is partly at fault as well. If she has a guest who is being inconsiderate, it makes sense for her to intervene and make sure your stuff is protected and respected. It wasn’t intentional? Um, what part of using someone else’s item without their knowledge or permission is unintentional? ZERO.