I am turning 22 in June, but my family’s birthdays are all bundled up in spring. Last year, my Mom told us to pick a restaurant to eat at and we’ll go on the nearest Sunday. We did Red Lobster for my younger brother, Steak and Shake for my older brother, South Point Buffet for my Dad, IHOP for my Mom, and this seafood boil place for my sister (pretty pricey but super good). I wanted to go to Cheesecake Factory.
However, my birthday is on June 30th and I had drill from June 26 to July 10th (Marine Corps Reserves, call me weekend warrior all you want). Because of that, I figured we’d go on the Sunday I got back. After all, it was my 21st birthday. Before we were about to leave, my Dad gets called in to work (doctor). After that, my mom insisted that she’d make it up. I don’t know if it was because money is tight or scheduling but she kept pushing it off. By the time August rolled around, it didn’t even come up anymore.
Now, my younger brother’s birthday is coming up and we’re going to an Asian restaurant. My mom was talking about how last year was so nice and I said, “For everyone else.” I don’t know why I was feeling bitter.
She asked me, “You didn’t like the restaurant you chose?”
I responded, “We didn’t go to the restaurant I chose.”
She INSISTED that we went out for my birthday, but I said, “You’re the one always taking pictures, can you find the one for my birthday?”
She looks in her phone’s photo album for last year. She checks June… then July… then August.
Nothing.
She sees everyone else’s birthday, but mine never showed, because there was nothing to show.
Later on, my dad called me an asshole for making it seem like they didn’t care about me. I told him I knew they cared about me, it’s just something that slips through the cracks.
I don’t like feeling this bitter. I’m an adult now with plans of moving out, so I don’t know if I should or could let it go. Am I the asshole?
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I am turning 22 in June, but my family’s birthdays are all bundled up in spring. Last year, my Mom told us to pick a restaurant to eat at and we’ll go on the nearest Sunday. We did Red Lobster for my younger brother, Steak and Shake for my older brother, South Point Buffet for my Dad, IHOP for my Mom, and this seafood boil place for my sister (pretty pricey but super good). I wanted to go to Cheesecake Factory.
However, my birthday is on June 30th and I had drill from June 26 to July 10th (Marine Corps Reserves, call me weekend warrior all you want). Because of that, I figured we’d go on the Sunday I got back. After all, it was my 21st birthday. Before we were about to leave, my Dad gets called in to work (doctor). After that, my mom insisted that she’d make it up. I don’t know if it was because money is tight or scheduling but she kept pushing it off. By the time August rolled around, it didn’t even come up anymore.
Now, my younger brother’s birthday is coming up and we’re going to an Asian restaurant. My mom was talking about how last year was so nice and I said, “For everyone else.” I don’t know why I was feeling bitter.
She asked me, “You didn’t like the restaurant you chose?”
I responded, “We didn’t go to the restaurant I chose.”
She INSISTED that we went out for my birthday, but I said, “You’re the one always taking pictures, can you find the one for my birthday?”
She looks in her phone’s photo album for last year. She checks June… then July… then August.
Nothing.
She sees everyone else’s birthday, but mine never showed, because there was nothing to show.
Later on, my dad called me an asshole for making it seem like they didn’t care about me. I told him I knew they cared about me, it’s just something that slips through the cracks.
I don’t like feeling this bitter. I’m an adult now with plans of moving out, so I don’t know if I should or could let it go. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made my mom uncomfortable for forgetting about my 21st birthday. But I know she cares about me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not the asshole. You pointed out the truth calmly. Everyone else got their birthday, you didn’t. That sucks, and it’s okay to feel bitter.
You didn’t say they don’t care, just that it got forgotten. That’s not cruel, it’s honest.
I’m going to say NAH. I can totally understand being upset about it. And, I can understand that things sometimes get missed, an unfortunately your birthday last year was one of them. I don’t think you should have to apologize, I actually think they should apologize for forgetting about it. But, if I were you, I would just let it go from here on out. You said your peace, they realized their error, so I would do your best to let it go.
NTA, Why should they be to pretend they celebrated your birthday? Maybe do a half birthday to make up for it.
NTA and I don’t even think your response indicates that you’re bitter about not getting to go to your restaurant, moreso that when you pointed it out your Dad made up a story in his head (that you don’t care about them) and decided to believe it, and that he moved on from your point to his false narrative, meaning your situation didn’t even get addressed properly.
NTA. Everyone’s birthday was so lovely includes you. They didn’t celebrate you. All you did was point out the truth. Sometimes the truth is painful. And also, I like the gloss over the insistence that they went out for your birthday, even though they didn’t…maybe if they say it enough you’ll think it happened, right?
NAH
You never made the evening happen, either.
As an adult, I sometimes feel that if you want a birthday gathering to happen, it’s incumbent on you to organize it. ESPECIALLY if it’s weeks after your actual birthday.
NTA. Your dad’s response was weirdly aggressive. Is this a pattern? Do they often treat you differently than your siblings? It’s easy to read your story and tell you it’s not a big deal and you’ll feel better if you let it go, but I would personally want to sit down with my parents and talk to them about this more (though only you know if they’re capable of a calm and rational conversation).
NTA the only correct response for them was to chow complete remorse and apologies….and plan a huge make up dinner. Anything else and they are doubling down
NTA. While I do think you could’ve brought it up in a better way, it still doesn’t really matter here. They forgot it, and you just mentioned how it made you feel. I can kinda see how they’d think it was rude, too, but they still shouldn’t have forgotten it or just called you an asshole for bringing it up. They could’ve apologized for it, and that would’ve been fine. The way you brought it up could’ve been better, though.
NTA. But it does give the vibes about the woman who’s parents tried to convince her that she was at her granddads funeral.
It was pure manipulation
NTA, Birthdays should be cherished, My kids will never be forgotten🫶🏽 unfortunately I was the kid forgotten on birthdays even Christmas after I turned 13 I didn’t exist anymore I guess it happens when there is 10 kids and you just so happen to be the only step kid😅😅
NTA, they’re the assholes for forgetting your birthday dinner. You were really flexible and accommodating and they just didn’t seem to make it a priority. Dad is especially TA for deflecting and making YOU feel bad.
Did anyone in your family even apologize?
I’d recommend making plans with friends this year who will actually remember. And if your family gives you crap about it, remind them that your birthday dinner never happened.
NTA
NTA it does suck to be overlooked especially on your birthday. But part of being a good person is realizing that everyone makes mistakes and forgiving them when they are genuinely remorseful. It’s your choice to hold on to the bitterness, or let it go…and milk it for all it’s worth teasing them about forgetting your birthday dinner then thinking it had happened lol
NTA
Did they expect you to lie about it? Do they expect that there will be absolutely no consequences for skipping an entire birthday for one child? Yes shit happens, but you also have to apologize when that shit happens. Take responsibility for your actions. She made herself feel like shit, you only pointed out the facts
Edit a word
NTA. Special circumstances aside, you wanted your family to celebrate your milestone birthday the way they celebrated everyone else’s. Your dad didn’t like your mom feeling hurt? How does he think you felt?
YTA making snippy comments nearly a year later about a “life happens” situation. Your mom thought you went because it was planned to go. Then your dad had responsibilities to his job and you had them to yours.
Then, life happened, as it does. As an adult, you need to learn when things are no one’s fault and just let it go . Being bitter at your mom for honest mistakes is shitty, and that seems like what your dad responded to.
Ask your dad how your mom would feel if you forgot her birthday. I suspect he wouldn’t be pleased. Then ask why there’s a double-standard when it comes to you.
NTA Your dad got called out and put the blame on you for making them feel bad. Or he’s having to deal with her feeling bad, and this is affecting him negatively. Either way, he’s to blame here for not remembering he didnt do a raincheck for going to the restaurant dinner that was canceled due to his plans.
NTA
They did skip your birthday. You aren’t making up a grievance. You aren’t turning a little thing into a big thing. They forgot you in the family tradition.
You were feeling bitter because you were forgotten. And you were forgotten in part because you were away on military service during the relevant birthday. So your mother feels badly because she forgot to celebrate the birthday of her kid who was serving the country. She should feel bad! She did a bad thing! It doesn’t make her a bad person. It doesn’t make her a bad mother.
Your dad, however, is the asshole here. He’s the one blowing this up. He’s the one saying “How DARE you mention the truth to your mother and making it sound like nobody cares about you!” But that’s not what happened. You pointed out a fact, proved it was a fact, and explained that it hurt your feelings (I trust).
I would consider the ball to be in their court, now. What they should do is hold a birthday dinner for you, even this late, even with other birthdays being celebrated! What your dad is actually doing is making you the bad guy for having your birthday skipped. I have very little respect for that attitude..
You are allowed to have feelings about being skipped and forgotten. They are reasonable feelings. And you are allowed to say facts and express how those facts make you feel. If they can’t handle that very reasonable reaction, then that shows emotional immaturity.
OK, they didn’t do your birthday dinner after (a) the actual day fell during your drill and (b) their first try was canceled by your dad’s work emergency. That’s not good.
You apparently said little-or-nothing about it and spent months getting bitter, then took it out on your mom even though you “knew they cared about me, it’s just something that slips through the cracks.” That’s not good.
Let it go. I mean, you’re calling it a “stupid grudge” in other comments, right? Sometimes life gets in the way.
NAH
NTA
wtf is wrong with your father???? I WOULD HAVE CALLED HIM OUT SO FAST LIKE WHAT???? And sorry but who give a shit if he’s feeling protective. He should be feeling bad for you and wanting to rectify the damn situation. Who gives a shit that your mom feels bad?? She’s the one who didn’t want to take you out! Are they in crazy land? Why does everyone else get a birthday dinner except you? What makes them so special that you didn’t even matter. Call them out. The fact that they didn’t apologize and instead are TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD IS FUCKING INSANE
NTA. They didn’t care. You just pointed it out.
NTA. They tried gaslighting and you called it out and made them provide proof. This is on mom for being so into photos. Your dad is AH for attacking you because they forgot your birthday.
NTA. This has happened to me three times. Twice it was very similar to your experience. It was postponed for reasons, but then was forgotten about. The other time my mom straight up forgot about my birthday. I even talked to her that day and she never said a word about it. If she had been old or never take left the house, I could understand. She wasn’t and she worked in an office and typed the date numerous times a day. I’m a little bitter on that last one even today. I can guarantee you she’s never forgotten my younger bother’s birthday. When the missed dinners were brought up, she gave a half hearted apology with an excuse about it being so close to my son and nephews birthdays. She’s correct on these being close to each other and I wouldn’t be offended, except she didn’t do a dinner for my son either. It was only my nephew she chose to celebrate that year. My son and I were only invited to my nephew’s birthday dinner. My son was still very young and it’s effected him to this day. He’s now in his 30’s and was once Grandma’s favorite.
NTA, it was probably an honest mistake on your mothers part as she thought they did, however you don’t know fully what she told your dad to make act like that, personally I would ask your parents if they don’t how they screwed up, and if they say no I’d show them these comments, make them realize they screwed up, even by accident, by the way he treated you afterwards is not forgiveable
NTA. You didn’t really call her out, you just muttered that you weren’t included and defended yourself when confronted about it.
You shall and can let it go. You’re 21. It doesn’t sound like they ignored 21 birthdays, they just missed this last one due to scheduling/work emergency.
You pointing it out, especially as your parents are getting older (which may have caused the mistake in the memory) was absolutely fine, but it still was going to hurt your mother’s feelings. She obviously doesn’t want to think that she did anything like that (though she did) as it seems like she clearly didn’t mean to. Having her own memories betray her in a way that made her kid feel bitter? Sorry man, you did nothing wrong, but based on the description in this story, oh yeah, she is likely a lot more about this hurt when you’re not directly there.
Which when one’s mother being that hurt, often couples with upsetting the father who doesn’t like to see his wife feeling that.
So this seems like a loving family that had a blip.
Your mother never meant to make you feel ignored, but she did.
You never meant to let your bitterness cause your mother to have her feeling’s hurt (including with a probable crisis of worrying about decaying memory and aging).
Your mother LIKELY (I don’t know, am basing on one story) would have never meant for her reaction to cause your father to push it back on you.
Your father likely never meant for his comment to make you actually feel like an asshole, he probably just was trying to reassure you that they care about you (as your mother at this point seemed like she was worried that you didn’t know that) in his own way. His way was crass and easily could have been done better, but chances are he was also never taught any other way.
Anyway, NTA, hope you guys have a lovely family meal soon.
Alright, so I’m not in the wrong, but I do need to let this grudge go. As long as they remember this upcoming one, I’ll keep loving my family. Thank you for your unbiased opinions. Life happens and it should go on. My parents deeply care about our family but somethings slip through the cracks. They’re not assholes, they’re human. Thank you Reddit.
NTA. My older brother was basically an only child my entire life. HE got all the best and if anything was left, it was half heartedly tossed to my younger brother and me. For example his birthday was on the 5th, mine was two weeks later on the 19th. He got the birthday cake and party, but two weeks later, everyone was too broke/tired to celebrate my birthday. (We are 1 year and two weeks apart in age).
Yes, we know life gets in the way and days slip into weeks and then months. But the hurt feelings were valid. Hoping your mom genuinely felt bad for you once she realized your day was skipped and she makes a big deal next time.
Belated Happy Birthday to you