My boyfriend (26M) and I (25F) have been together for over 1 1/2 years. Due to different circumstances we have both ended up living with our parents, however I am now in a good financial spot to start planning on buying a house.
My boyfriend is emotionally ready to move but financially still in a rough spot.
He does not like talking about his finances but even before having conversations with him about it, I could tell based on how he spent his money and the difficulties he faced before finding his current job. I never want to make him feel less than or think that it would somehow make me see him differently.
Recently, I have started to look at houses in my area. I have mentioned to my boyfriend that I think I am ready to have a place of my own.
In a text he had asked to sit with me to discuss our plans on our future. I realized I was stressing him out with house talk so I called him.
I explained that I am wanting to go in on a house alone to have it in my name. I told him it would be a place he could move into with me once he felt ready. At the time I thought I was being considerate of his situation, however he expressed he really wants to be apart of my future and be able to help with this, he just isn’t able to right now. He explained further his financial situation and mention some cc debt he acquired and wants to clear it before merging our lives.
Now don’t get me wrong, outwardly he was very excited for me to take this step for myself and never said I was doing the wrong thing. But I can see that this decision may have hurt him.
There are small things I have considered going into this. He has a chance of being transferred outside our city and I don’t want to tie him down to a financial decision and something happens. I don’t know if I am overthinking things or if I am being selfish in my decision to go in alone. Maybe if I get this home he can still help out later I just want to start this process independently. AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My boyfriend (26M) and I (25F) have been together for over 1 1/2 years. Due to different circumstances we have both ended up living with our parents, however I am now in a good financial spot to start planning on buying a house.
My boyfriend is emotionally ready to move but financially still in a rough spot.
He does not like talking about his finances but even before having conversations with him about it, I could tell based on how he spent his money and the difficulties he faced before finding his current job. I never want to make him feel less than or think that it would somehow make me see him differently.
Recently, I have started to look at houses in my area. I have mentioned to my boyfriend that I think I am ready to have a place of my own.
In a text he had asked to sit with me to discuss our plans on our future. I realized I was stressing him out with house talk so I called him.
I explained that I am wanting to go in on a house alone to have it in my name. I told him it would be a place he could move into with me once he felt ready. At the time I thought I was being considerate of his situation, however he expressed he really wants to be apart of my future and be able to help with this, he just isn’t able to right now. He explained further his financial situation and mention some cc debt he acquired and wants to clear it before merging our lives.
Now don’t get me wrong, outwardly he was very excited for me to take this step for myself and never said I was doing the wrong thing. But I can see that this decision may have hurt him.
There are small things I have considered going into this. He has a chance of being transferred outside our city and I don’t want to tie him down to a financial decision and something happens. I don’t know if I am overthinking things or if I am being selfish in my decision to go in alone. Maybe if I get this home he can still help out later I just want to start this process independently. AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I decided to buy a house without consulting my boyfriend
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA-You did consider him, hence your plan to get a home without him. It’s your money and he’s not ready to carry his water yet, while at the same time he won’t be transparent with you about his finances. His financial issues are his, unless you decide to make them yours, please don’t do that. Proceed with getting your home.
NTA. It’s your money and your life. If it happens to work well with your relationship in the future, cool. If not, then oh well. Not everything works out, that’s life. Definitely don’t put your life and aspirations on hold.
NTA, I did this and it has paid off, as when me and my husband got married and then wanted to buy a place together, I had an asset that had increased in value and that I had paid off that meant we had enough down payment for the property we wanted. Your first property is a stepping stones, and could be the first step in securing your future.
Nta. Sounds like you did consider him.
And if you put the house in both your names, that is very foolish. If you were married, ok. But not to a boyfriend you only been with that long. That’s asking for trouble.
Get your house. It’s yours. You can always move later if you want.
NTA.
If and when you buy house, do not put him on the deed and mortgage unless you are married, and he is paying his share.
And if and when he moves in with you in your house without being married, have him pay rent, and be very sure he understands he will have no equity in the house.
Do not mix finances and investments (which the house is) until you are married.
NTA.
This is your BOYFRIEND. You have two options:
Go ahead and buy a house because you are ready
Wait until you get married and buy a house together. It doesn’t sound like your relationship is that far along or permanent.
I would go ahead and buy a house if I wanted to. But be careful that he doesn’t move in with you, especially before he is financially stable. He needs to continue to live at home and work on his finances.
He should work on his situation and let you do yours. You can always rent your house out if the two of you move later on. NAH unless he keeps complaining then he will be one.
NTA- I’m not saying don’t trust your partner, as they may have the best of intentions for you. I am going to say, you have the right idea. He is not financially stable, and not financially responsible. Until he corrects that part of his life, he would wind up being your financial responsibility. Be careful. He might be a great guy, but allowing him to rope you into his financial duress will put a strain on the relationship you may never recover from.
Nta
He seems not responsible with his money. And even IF you do married him I would not combine your finances
You’re ready – he isn’t, and he isn’t being transparent about finances. Given that, you are wise to protect your own interests.
Buy the house, if you want, and do NOT put his name on it in any way (not on the deed, mortgage, insurance, nothing). If the relationship proceeds AND he cleans up his financial issues and wants to move in together without marrying, have him pay rent under a formal, written agreement and hold him to it.
NAH.
He thinks he has the husband package, when he only purchased the boyfriend option. You owe him nothing.
NAH
The two of you had a conversation that wasn’t exactly comfortable.
You’re ready to buy a house and he isn’t, and he expressed that although he wished he could, he is unable to participate right now, and then was supportive about your goals.
What exactly are you upset about here?
The best way to have a relationship full of game playing is to second guess everything someone says.
If you want a supportive relationship, then take him at his word, and understand that yes, he does wish he could help but no, he cannot, but he is very excited for you – period, end of.
> emotionally ready to move on but financially still in a rough spot
= not ready
I wouldn’t trust someone who doesn’t want to be open and honest about their finances.
NTA, in the future he would have to “buy in” at the exact same amount that you have contributed up to that point if he wants 50/50 ownership. Otherwise the house should be in your name until that point in time.
And he would pay a portion of utilities and/or rent in the meantime.
NTA do not put your life in hold waiting for him to get his life together. You should not feel bad that you are ready to take this step. If he ever moves in charge him fair rent, but do not put his name on anything unless you are married.
My boyfriend bought a house when we were dating, and now we are married and living in the house together. It really doesn’t matter who buys it, because it’s a place for both parties to live (if they can afford it).
My girl, you never slow down or stop your progress in life to make another person feel better. Ever. The right person for you will be so happy for you and proud of you even if they don’t have what you have or can’t do what you are doing. Old boy is going to be nothing but a burden and problems for you. His attitude alone should tell you that he is not the one for you, and whatever you do, don’t you let him move into the house that you buy because not only are you going to have problems because he will be jealous that you bought a house, but he is going to try to control you because you are more successful than him. You will be paying for everything while he gives you a hard time for being more successful than him while living on your money. And if you earn more than him he’ll tell you to quit that job and get one that pays less because of his ego.
Do not add him to the mortgage and don’t have him move in. Financially stable is the only way to make a marriage work more smoothly.
Nah you’re not selfish, you’re just financially ready before he is. Love doesn’t pay the mortgage
You are not married. If you buy a house, the house is yours and you are the only person on the mortgage. Having his name on the mortgage could cause significant legal issues if he moves. He would have the legal right to demand you buy him out of his half of the house or, if you sell down the road he’d be legally entitled to half that money.
Do NOT put anyone but your spouse on your mortgage. Especially someone you’ve been dating for less than 2 years!
NTA – This is a complex situation. I think no one here is in “the wrong” or something. You’re being thoughtful, you talked to him about it, and did everything you could. You know what you want to do, and you looked at every angle, so whatever decision you take now is the right one.
I understand why he would be frustrated too, as someone with also a pretty shaky financial situation who sometimes can’t do stuff because of it, but he seems to understand that you’re in your right to do it, and he will have to deal with it internally. Just make sure he’s dealing with it or it might become a bigger problem in the future if he ends up just suppressing it and developing a grudge about it
In a relationship you need to communicate and be on the same page with your partner etc etc but you’re free and this is not a bad thing at all
NTA
He has to fix these feelings himself. You didn’t do anything to him.
You can’t consider him with this. If your relationship evolves and you move with him then this is your investment alone. Your finances must be separate.
If he feels the need to always make more and do better than his partner that is out of your hands. You cannot tip-toe or coddle. I’m
not suggesting being merciless. It is just that if he’s trapped in this kind of mindset then every accomplishment you make will make him feel bad. It won’t matter how big or small.
It has nothing to do with you
NTA
You guys are very early in your relationship. Move forward independently and he can always be added to the deed when you get married and start contributing
NAH
But read the room. It is likely you are ending the possibility of a future together.
But you don’t seem to care, so it is fine.
Your NTA but neither is he so I’m not sure this is the right section for this as it implies someone’s in the wrong. Most likely for him he was just excited for that day you buy a place together, collect the keys and move in. The place you hopefully share in the future will always be your place and he’ll just be living there. It’s hard to make somewhere like that feel like your home. None of this is your fault and it’s great that you can make this big jump for yourself. I think he’s just disappointed about the house itself, not that you have done it alone. He’s doing the responsible thing by clearing himself of debt before making the jump though. Maybe just don’t go all out and fill the whole place with furniture or decorate before he can make his own contribution to help it feels like home to both of you.
NTA and the longer you wait the prices go up. Do what makes you happy.
What’s the actual problem, though? Is he expecting you to not buy a house until he’s ready or something?
NTA, never co-own a house with someone unless you are married!
NTA. His feelings may be hurt, but his feelings are not your responsibility to manage. It sounds like you DID consider him, but there’s no need to hold yourself back from purchasing a home until he can financially contribute.
Buy the house on your own. It’s not a good thing for Anyone to consider; involving their bf or gf in a big financial transaction like this. Most likely people end up separated and want what they feel they put into the house. This happened to my husband when he and his girlfriend started talking about building “their” dream house. (Before he met me and she had moved out.) When I moved in the gf approached me with papers from her “bookkeeper “ saying WE owed her money she had invested into the house. Sorry lady, it doesn’t work this way. It wasn’t a nasty ending, but she thought she could get money out of the two of us.
NTA
Also. Don’t buy a house with someone you’re only dating (long term or not) and not married to. Buy it on your own.
NTA don’t budge. Road to hell is paved with good intentions.