Yeah, the title says it all.
My father is dying, there’s no two ways about it, he is on the road to death’s door. He is currently battling kidney failure, heart failure, minor liver failure and COPD, as well as more stuff.
However, I have no sympathy for him. You see, when I was a kid, doctors would tell him to change his diet, improve his exercise or cut smoking. My family already has a predisposition to heart failure, so becoming a chain smoker wasn’t his best idea. He would be told to cut carbs out of his diet because of his weight related issues (it was peak weight watchers time at this point so carbs were evil), he stuck to it for a while, but then ended up being found in the back of a burger king shovelling a burger into his mouth at 9 pm after work. He knew we had issues with heart issues, so he lived a life without movement and then got shocked when his weight caused heart and kidney issues like the doctors warned. This man had ever offering of help and refused it all. (May I also add that none of our familial issues are hereditary, more of a heightened chance of getting them.)
My father, since receiving his diagnosis, has started dialysis to prolong his kidneys. He was offered home dialysis (which had to be taken from him because he was so lazy he couldn’t be bothered to clean down the machine and ended up nearly killing himself… three times).
Now, onto the AITA: he was sitting complaining about how he won’t get to see his kids get married and was trying to guilt me into marrying my partner faster. This is something he goes on about every day. he then proceeded to say the doctors failed him and how they never helped him; it’s all the doctors’ fault.
I got angry at him. I was there aged 7 when the doctors were telling him about the causes of diet-related diabetes, and I watched him play on his phone. I was there, aged 10, when they told him his smoking was killing his lungs and watched him LEAVE THE MEETING FOR A SMOKE BREAK. I told him he doesn’t get to pull the sob story when he has been offered every help the NHS can give and that I have no sympathy for him because he is the one risking his life over one more cigarette. I’ve been to every doctor’s appointment and relayed information I shouldn’t have known because my dad wasn’t even listening. I watched my mum break down in front of him because he just stopped caring.
Now, this is where I think I went too far. I told him he was given a choice between continuing to destroy his life or living for his family, and he chose self-destruction and now must face the consequence.
He’s not talking to me now. My mother agrees with me but told me I shouldn’t have told him that. he keeps telling me I “don’t get it”
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Yeah, the title says it all.
My father is dying, there’s no two ways about it, he is on the road to death’s door. He is currently battling kidney failure, heart failure, minor liver failure and COPD, as well as more stuff.
However, I have no sympathy for him. You see, when I was a kid, doctors would tell him to change his diet, improve his exercise or cut smoking. My family already has a predisposition to heart failure, so becoming a chain smoker wasn’t his best idea. He would be told to cut carbs out of his diet because of his weight related issues (it was peak weight watchers time at this point so carbs were evil), he stuck to it for a while, but then ended up being found in the back of a burger king shovelling a burger into his mouth at 9 pm after work. He knew we had issues with heart issues, so he lived a life without movement and then got shocked when his weight caused heart and kidney issues like the doctors warned. This man had ever offering of help and refused it all. (May I also add that none of our familial issues are hereditary, more of a heightened chance of getting them.)
My father, since receiving his diagnosis, has started dialysis to prolong his kidneys. He was offered home dialysis (which had to be taken from him because he was so lazy he couldn’t be bothered to clean down the machine and ended up nearly killing himself… three times).
Now, onto the AITA: he was sitting complaining about how he won’t get to see his kids get married and was trying to guilt me into marrying my partner faster. This is something he goes on about every day. he then proceeded to say the doctors failed him and how they never helped him; it’s all the doctors’ fault.
I got angry at him. I was there aged 7 when the doctors were telling him about the causes of diet-related diabetes, and I watched him play on his phone. I was there, aged 10, when they told him his smoking was killing his lungs and watched him LEAVE THE MEETING FOR A SMOKE BREAK. I told him he doesn’t get to pull the sob story when he has been offered every help the NHS can give and that I have no sympathy for him because he is the one risking his life over one more cigarette. I’ve been to every doctor’s appointment and relayed information I shouldn’t have known because my dad wasn’t even listening. I watched my mum break down in front of him because he just stopped caring.
Now, this is where I think I went too far. I told him he was given a choice between continuing to destroy his life or living for his family, and he chose self-destruction and now must face the consequence.
He’s not talking to me now. My mother agrees with me but told me I shouldn’t have told him that. he keeps telling me I “don’t get it”
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> AITA because i told my dad i have no sympathy for him dying? Should i have handled it better, or should i have kept my mouth shut
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA slightly, only because it was worded somewhat harshly. Otherwise, yes, he ignored his health and the consequences are on him.
(Will add though, that smoking is highly addictive, cig companies knew that, it’s not as simple as just quitting for many people).
You should be grateful to your dad for bringing you into this world and raising you. You should be proud of your dad for showing up every day. Men these days don’t get enough praise in a world full of weak men. Your dad needs you now more than ever so stop being a selfish little brat and enjoy the time you have left with him. Life is too short to be this way and you’ll regret telling him that one day soon!
I think that what you said to him was right but I also think that its something you really could have kept to yourself. Your dad probably knows that he is at fault for the way his life is now but he is likely hurting and lashing out in whatever way he can. You should probably apologize to him. Not because anything you said to him was wrong but because you probably don’t want to have the small amount of time you have left with him to be negative.
ESH – he ignored his health and is paying the price. It’s hard to grasp the ways in which people can go wrong with taking care of themselves. For young people it may be very black and white but life never is. He is upset and that’s okay for him to feel that way. Upset at himself, the world, many people. Telling him off and having him realize his mistakes in his dying days won’t make you feel better in the long run. In fact, it’ll likely make you feel bad, especially as you get older and deal with health problems yourself. It sounds like you too are upset and mad at your father for this situation. I’d just do your best to make his last time here on earth enjoyable and as stress free as possible. Life lessons you are learning, bank them for yourself and your future family. No need to hash it out with your dying father on how he should have quit smoking. You’ve already learned that lesson.
Familial “heightened chance” of issues is “hereditary”. That is the definition of genetic predisposition. That doesn’t mean to say if he avoided carbs, smoking, and exercise regularly that he would have been able to avoid those issues, but it does mean that he was genetically predisposed to a greater chance of having those issues than the general population and should have taken a greater interest in his health for it.
NTA.. I can’t call someone an AH when they speak the truth, even when its very harsh like this. If everything OP said is true, I 100% support him. At the end of the day though, its still OP’s dad. I’m not there and I don’t know them but if I was close with my dad, I’d have trouble being this open and upfront in the face of death. I don’t fault it though.
YTA Did he mess his own health up yes, but not to have any compassion and rub it in his face was an AH thing to do. People go through various stages of dying. He is dealing with anger and denial. You can stick to your guns and be an ‘I told you so, you did this to yourself’ or you can help him on his journey. You can try to enjoy the time that you have left with him or you can hold onto your self righteousness. It is understandable that you are angry with him, but we all have to live with the choices we make-be they good or bad. You don’t have to make it better for him if you feel that way I guess, but you also don’t have to make it worse for him. Sounds like he could use a therapist to help him navigate this. As someone who had a dad who smoked and died to soon, what I wouldn’t do to go back and have one more day with him. Don’t kick someone when they are already down.
Your statements to him were true, but I guess it’s too late for him to survive now – even if he changed. SO I guess there’s no point in him hearing that now. I know you are mad and disappointed in him, but do you really want him to die while mad at you. Maybe you should just apologize for being so blunt and tell him that it’s because you are upset that he didn’t make better choices so he could be in your life longer. Then ask if you could both just forgive each other and share the time he has left. NTA- but understandably a little harsh.
NTA. Harsh but true. I do worry that you’ll regret those words if they end up being the last you say to him, tho. While the frustration and even anger at your father is valid, you’ll still grieve when it happens.
Yes, you are a judgmental AH.
In this scenario, I am old enough to be the Dad in this situation and have had my own serious health issues. Including a spell on dialysis.
I know people of my age in a similar position to OP. OPs father, who have been offered every assistance from the NHS and has the ability to understand what will happen if they continue to abuse their bodies. But simply chose not to do so and then blame everyone else. I have every sympathy for OP and the family. Chronic illness like this puts pressure the whole family. I completely understand why OP lost it with their father. He is selfish and self-centred. NTA
> I told him he was given a choice between continuing to destroy his life or living for his family, and he chose self-destruction and now must face the consequence.
That sounds hearltess. I help homeless peopel for a local charity. Most of them are opiate addicts, who have lost friends to opiate addiction. They know (logially) how addiction ends, but think it will not happen to them (because they are smarter, more careful, have a safe connection, or just because it has not yet). I see them struggle when they are experiencing withdrawal symptoms, and come up throwing fists after being adminstered narcan. And people who I was trying to help have gone to jail, been beaten into a vegetative state, or died… and while I understand this is an occupational hazard of being addicted, I have a huge amount of sympathy for these people who thought they had things under control. They chose to take the first does(s) but after a while, their lifestyle caught up with them and they couldn’t find the willpower to make changes they knew would save them.
Some people you just can’t help. I knew someone whose dad was in full kidney failure through drinking. He’d get his dialysis done and go to the pub.
Just remember, like father, like son.
nah you’re not the asshole. you’ve watched him ignore every single warning for years, and now that it’s all catching up to him, he wants to blame everyone else. that would piss anyone off. you didn’t say it to be cruel, you said it because you’re tired and fed up. he had so many chances to change, and he didn’t care. you’re allowed to feel how you feel, and not having sympathy doesn’t make you heartless—it makes you human. yeah it sucks that he’s dying, but that doesn’t erase everything he put you and your family through. your reaction’s valid.
NTA they always do the same, they don’t want to listen and keep destroying their health and bothering everyone that’s surrounding them, especially if there’s a spouse and children doing the care.
But then they only know how to play the victim.
I can relate strongly to that. Especially the diabetes + smoking + kidney part.
NTA. Strangely I was reading this wondering if my fiancé’s good friend had written it. He’s going through something very similar, although we’re in the US so it’s bankrupted his family twice dealing with his dad’s self-inflicted health issues. There’s only so much you can do before it is totally on the person to take responsibility for themselves. The doctors can tell your dad over and over until they’re blue in the face to change his ways and warn him but he’s clearly shown he either doesn’t care or lives in a state of cognitive dissonance that he’s never done anything against doctor advice and had no hand in his current condition whatsoever.
It’s very sad but you have every right to say what you said and to feel how you feel. What you said is true. What did he expect? He’s had multiple chances, he’s been told by professionals multiple times. It sounds like he’s been begged by his own family even. He’s not a victim of random happenstance, he’s a victim of his own choices (which is a whole other conversation).
Nta,
He wants sympathy & expected everyone to feel bad for him. I’m sure people are like, “Don’t be honest now that he’s dying there’s no point. I say tell him how you feel & let him sit with his actions. There is no need to be the bigger person
YTA – plain and simple, you didn’t explain how your father beat you, assaulted you, starved you, pimped you out as a kid, or some other unforgivable sin, you don’t claim he was a bad father, so his moral sin was to live his life his own way? You are allowed to be mad and pissed off at him because he did and does things that have caused him less time on this earth with you and that’s awful, but YTA for kicking a person while they are down, and it’s his GOD given right to choose a tasty cheeseburger over a garden salad. Life and time is not guaranteed to anyone. Let’s say 10 years ago when your father was on his way home from work, if he would have just continued home like he usually would he would have gotten in a major car accident and died on scene, but that day he decided to stop for that cheeseburger he knows he’s not supposed to have, and you’ve got 10 more years because of it. Tell your dad you love him, tell him your mad at him cause he’s not going to be around as long as you’d like (trust me he never would of been), be mad but don’t let it get in the way of wasting the time you do have left, otherwise you’ll be living the rest of your life with regret.
EDIT:
Think i should add extra info here:
This man is weaponsing it against the entire family, no conversation can take place without him saying he is dying. This man once told everyone at my sister’s birthday party he was dying, for no reason. He acts like he has no support system, despite pushing us all away.
He actually got better when i was around 15, made all the choices he needed too. then chose to resume smoking and drinking and sitting around all day. Its more this that angers me, he fixed it all, he maintained it for 2 years, his health was healing, then he chose to throw it away for a few burgers and some films on tv. He will tell everyone to leave him alone then post facebook posts about how nobody cares about him. We have tried everything and he is determined to hurt
YTA, 100%
Your dad sounds just like mine and he passed away a few years ago. He was belligerent with me and everyone around me. Somewhere in there I’m sure he appreciated the help my husband and I provided during his final years. Here’s the thing. He didn’t know he was dying. But 4 days before he died, he apologized to us. He apologized for the things he said and how he treated us. The alarm went off in my husband’s head – “Oh, god. This isn’t good” – Usually people know when they are dying and start doing these things. You will 100% regret not giving your dad a chance before he passes away. You might not care what people say about you and that’s fine. But you will regret not having an adult conversation with him. It doesn’t have to be yelling and screaming. You can tell him (1) Here’s what he did (2) Here’s how it made you feel and (3) Here’s what you want to change moving forward.
I also do agree with your dad. We don’t get it. He’s lived a life. He wants to die on his own terms. But he’s not thinking about the people around him that he’s leaving behind. And that’s where I put my foot down with my dad. Can he not be so selfish and make your mom’s life a little easier? Her life is going to be miserable with dialysis and nurses coming in and out, etc. If he has any love left for her, he needs to start thinking of her and not about his remaining days. Once we all had a plan in place for how he was going to live and we all accepted how we would support him, things were good. He could die on his own terms. He could eat whatever he wanted (hell, he’s dying. enjoy what’s left) and moms have support from the kids. You will not be able to just throw your hands up and not support your parents here
You don’t get that when it’s too late he regrets it…some people simply cannot stop doing what’s killing them…my dad drank himself to death knowing every drink was poison…he chose to numb his life with whiskey… weak men..is it our legacy…there are things I won’t give up. So I don’t know if just know he tried and failed somehow compelled to die cirrhosis
No offense, but he sounds very self-centered. I doubt you’ll be able to change him in any way. Perhaps you should spend your time and energy trying to help your sister and mom. Maybe spending more time with them? Doing stuff together? Counseling? Whatever helps all of you make it through this. I feel bad for you in this situation, but -again- this is all on him.
NTA I think every single person saying ESH or YTA is missing the critical point that he is weaponizing his mortality to try to coerce you into getting married faster. Could you have been more gentle, yes, but his health is his own fault, and if he’s making it everyone else’s problem then the wake-up call was deserved.
Speaking from experience, when you’ve lost a parent, none of the pain and ill will we felt towards them will actually matter. I had the same conversations about many of the same things from the age of 12, through my 30’s, including a double lung transplant, right until the last wheeze of breath.
I wrote out a whole novel here with tears in my eyes only to delete it bc i’m just not ready for it to be in the world but please for your own good, and yours alone be very measured in the steps you take as there will be a day in the near future that all you have left are photos and maybe a voicemail to hang onto. You will have regrets, rightly or wrongly but don’t let your love make you blind with rage on this. I did that, and I wish I hadn’t.
YTA but with a huge hug. I’m sorry for what you’re dealing with and about to go through.
While you’re probably correct and your feelings are your feelings…
YTA
Gotta keep some of that shit to yourself sometimes.
YTA It’s ok if you THINK that but SAYING it is really not necessary and rather cruel.
I’m not necessarily sure you’re the AH. While yes, obviously you have valid reasons to be frustrated or angry, I’m just not sure what you hoped you to accomplish by speaking to him like that. I think you could have communicated your feelings in a much more productive manner. That being said, I absolutely understand when someone’s emotions are so heightened that they lose control and it makes sense why you’re angry.
I think that sometimes it’s worth it to swallow your pride to maintain a relationship, perhaps this is a time to do that.
YsortofTA but I get the anger and the bitterness and you have every right to express your feelings… but does it help him now? Or you? It doesn’t change things now. My dad is an alcoholic and his drinking buddies are his priority, and now that he’s 75 I just wish I had more of his time, because he has always been a wonderful dad. It’s hard to grieve the living and accept their choices are taking them out. Ultimately, I have to choose to accept this is how he wants to spend his life. Was your dad present as a father? I guess that’s the part that’s missing, because he sounds like he maybe regrets his choices and wishes he had more time with you, and it sounds like your anger probably stems from you wishing for the same.
ESH. I get the impression you are young. I’m sorry your dad is so sick and that you are all in this situation.
Many (most?) people find it incredibly hard to make any changes to their habits no matter what a doctor says to them. People don’t really connect what they do on a daily basis to their long term health. That doesn’t make it right, but it is understandable.
It sounds to me like your dad isn’t going to have an epiphany and suddenly say that he should have done XYZ instead of ABC. Just make the most of the time you have together. And don’t change your plans (like marrying your partner early) unless that is what you truly want to do.
As someone in the exact same boat… NTA. My dad was disabled in a work accident, and during the process of dealing with that, he was diagnosed with COPD. Then Barret’s Esophagus. Then, an abominal aortic aneurysm. Then fatty liver disease. And on and on and on. He didn’t quit smoking and has been dying by inches since I was 16. I’ll be 37 this year, and he has reached end stage and has been on hospice for 2 years. He’s still smoking. Ask me how many times he’s almost burned their house down. The last time was gnarly, he set his feet on fire. He’s heavily, heavily medicated, to the point of being almost entirely unable to care for himself, or act like the almost 70yo man he is. And I try not to be mad at him. I do. But sometimes, you just can’t help that frustration of WHY didn’t you change when it could have saved you? Why did you choose smoking yourself to death over watching your grandson grow up? And it’s the truth. So no, NTA.
NTA in that many people feel like you when someone dies of preventable conditions. However, be prepared for him to die while estranged from you and all your family’s big feels about that.
NTA. Harsh? Yes. He needed to hear the truth whether he likes it or not.
He chose his path and, like an adult, made decisions for himself that ended up having severe consequences that he now has to live with and doesn’t like. It’s easier to blame others for ones own poor decisions and choices, rather than be an adult and accept the consequences and responsibility for those choices and decisions he made for himself.
As someone on the other side of a dead like that, prepare yourself. The anger doesn’t last forever. It took me 4 years to cry for my dad.
Like you, during this part, I went through the motions as expected and dutiful.
Just prepare yourself. He’ll get worse and then die. Then you have to start to fill in the gap he leaves
My condolences
How was it that you were going to doctors appointments with him at age 7 and business meetings at age 10? As somebody who Has a career healthcare, I am always able to have sympathy for my patients and their circumstances, regardless of how they got there. I have often given people medical Advice in my job that they have completely ignored to the detriment of their health and while I have been frustrated, I have never once thought they deserve this. This is your father. Was he a good father? Was he mean or abusive to you? If the answer is no then you are a very unkind person. YTA.
YTA.
It’s very easy to know better when it’s not you.
Consider being kinder to him, if for no other reason than you’ll grow up and wish you had.