I (18F) just moved into my first apartment about a month ago. It’s small, but it’s mine, and I’ve been trying really hard to keep it clean and calm because I’m still adjusting to being on my own.
One of my close friends, let’s call her Bree (19F), has an emotional support dog. I don’t have an issue with emotional support animals in general, and I know hers is legit—she has paperwork, and it’s helped her a lot with her anxiety. I’ve seen the dog around and it’s not aggressive or anything, but it’s still a dog. And I’m not a pet person.
Here’s the issue: Bree asked if she could come stay with me for a weekend, just to get out of her parents’ house for a bit. I was down at first, but when she said she’d be bringing her ESA, I told her that actually, I’d prefer she didn’t. I don’t allow animals in my place. It’s not a pet-friendly building, and I also just personally don’t want the added stress. I have a pretty sensitive nose, allergies, and honestly, the idea of dog hair or accidents in my tiny space makes me feel panicked.
She got upset and said that I was being ableist and that by saying she couldn’t bring her ESA, I was basically saying she couldn’t come. I told her I wasn’t trying to exclude her—I just wasn’t comfortable with animals in my space. I suggested we hang out somewhere else or even split an Airbnb if she really needed to stay the night.
Now she’s distant, and some of our mutual friends are saying I should’ve made an exception for her, especially since it’s not just a “pet.” But at the same time, it’s my apartment, and I feel like I should be allowed to have boundaries.
So… AITA for not letting her bring her emotional support dog to stay with me, even if it means she doesn’t come at all?
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I (18F) just moved into my first apartment about a month ago. It’s small, but it’s mine, and I’ve been trying really hard to keep it clean and calm because I’m still adjusting to being on my own.
One of my close friends, let’s call her Bree (19F), has an emotional support dog. I don’t have an issue with emotional support animals in general, and I know hers is legit—she has paperwork, and it’s helped her a lot with her anxiety. I’ve seen the dog around and it’s not aggressive or anything, but it’s still a dog. And I’m not a pet person.
Here’s the issue: Bree asked if she could come stay with me for a weekend, just to get out of her parents’ house for a bit. I was down at first, but when she said she’d be bringing her ESA, I told her that actually, I’d prefer she didn’t. I don’t allow animals in my place. It’s not a pet-friendly building, and I also just personally don’t want the added stress. I have a pretty sensitive nose, allergies, and honestly, the idea of dog hair or accidents in my tiny space makes me feel panicked.
She got upset and said that I was being ableist and that by saying she couldn’t bring her ESA, I was basically saying she couldn’t come. I told her I wasn’t trying to exclude her—I just wasn’t comfortable with animals in my space. I suggested we hang out somewhere else or even split an Airbnb if she really needed to stay the night.
Now she’s distant, and some of our mutual friends are saying I should’ve made an exception for her, especially since it’s not just a “pet.” But at the same time, it’s my apartment, and I feel like I should be allowed to have boundaries.
So… AITA for not letting her bring her emotional support dog to stay with me, even if it means she doesn’t come at all?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t allow my friends support dog stay at my house and she “needs it” to sleepover and everyone is saying i’m ablest for not allowing the dog
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No. It’s not a service animal. You gave her options. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
So, she has an emotional support animal? And isn’t understanding that having animals in your space gives you stress and anxiety? You offered other options, it’s not on you she isn’t willing to compromise. NTA
Your lease may forbid animals, too. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. It’s your new home; so it’s important to establish rules for visitors early on. If you don’t want animals in that space, it’s your right to set that as a condition of people visiting. — And it’s not ablest to say that people cannot bring ESAs into your living space, especially since they seem to cause you stress and anxiety.
By “not pet friendly” do you mean pets are not allowed or that it’s not a great place for animals? If the former (which is what I’m assuming), then NTA. Doing something that goes against the rules of your apartment building is risky and stupid. She doesn’t need to stay with you; she just wants to. It’s not like she’s on the street.
NTA plain and simple.
Why is her anxiety more important than yours?
NTA. The rules around letting animals, including service and support animals exist for public spaces, because those spaces need to be accessible to people who needs those animals. Private spaces, like your apartment, do not. Your apartment should be the one place that you can be certain does not contain animal hairs or musks. And that’s fine. It’s an acceptable boundary.
You’ve done more than enough in offering to split an AirB&B with her. That DOES get her out of the house and respects your boundary and you spend time together. Win-win, except that it costs your friend money.
I do need to point out that your friend may, and has a right, to end or re-evaluate this friendship because of this. Your boundary means she will never be welcome in your apartment if the dog goes everywhere with her. Your boundary is legit, but so are her feelings about it.
NTA
Animals are ungraceful “solutions” for dealing with anxiety.
Bree can take a pill.
NTA
If she wants to stay with you, she will need to leave her ESA behind. It is your place, so you can set that rule. It seems like your apartment may not even allow pets. Also, it is ironic for her to call you ableist when she is discounting your allergies and anxiety.
NTA. An emotional support dog is not the same as a service dog. It’s a glorified pet and shouldn’t be treated the same as a highly trained service dog.
NTA
I’m disabled.
And I still say it’s your home. You can decide to keep it animal-free if you like.
Even if she had a task trained service animal (rather than just an ESA), you can still say no to having an animal in your home.
Public places have to provide access, but private homes do not.
Wanting to keep your home clean and calm does not make you an AH.
NTA
It’s your space, your rules. Also apartments are usually very strict about animals so if you got caught having a dog there that isn’t on the lease/approved they could come down on you and it wouldn’t affect her at all.
You are not an ableist as you are not stopping her from something she needs to do, just setting rules for something she wants to do.
Is it an emotional support dog or a service dog, because there is a major difference. If it’s just an ESP then you are NTA because those animals are pets you have to help you emotionally, they are not trained nor allowed in public spaces that are not pet friendly and there for it’s reasonable if the pet isn’t allowed in a private place that isn’t pet friendly. She isn’t being understanding of your anxiety with the animals nor is she accepting reasonable alternatives.
NTA. Your friend is being ridiculous. You’re not being ableist, FFS. An ESA is just a pet with housing rights. Even if it was a service dog, you still wouldn’t be the AH for not wanting it in your place. If she can’t be without the dog then she doesn’t get to come. It’s just the way it is.
So she invited herself to stay at yours to get a break from her parents, then she invited her ESA dog? And her support for her own anxiety is more important than you being in an anxiety-creating condition due to her dog being there? NTA.
NTA: If she can’t stay with a friend without her emotional support animal then that’s something she needs to work on, it’s not your problem.
NTA
I like dogs and am not allergic but I don’t want dogs visiting me because I don’t want to deal with hair or possibly urine or feces.
Emotional support animals unlike service animals aren’t allowed in most places so she has to go many places without an emotional support animal. If she is there for a whole weekend s she going to leave a dog in a strange apartment alone?
NTA—she’s wrong to say that denying the dog is the same as telling her not to stay. You’re the one thinking of ways to accommodate both her and her dog while she’s stubbornly demanding that your personal space is the only option.
It’s sad that she has anxiety severe enough to have an ESA yet she’s not able to be empathetic about your anxiety.
You’re allowed to have your boundaries, whatever they may be. Is this one kind of asshole-ish? Yeah I think so. But you can’t help what you’re comfortable with.
The new buzz word “ableist”. Just because you don’t want a pet in your apartment. She is selfish. She has an animal that not everyone is going to enjoy, regardless that it is ESA. She needs to learn boundaries and respect others.
There’s no such thing as a registered emotional support animal. It’s just a regular pet.
NTA
It could cause you problems with the landlord if it’s a no pets building.
Don’t feel badly for not wanting a dog in your home, especially if you are allergic. If your friend wants to be offended, that’s her choice.
Anyone can get paperwork for an emotional support animal.
NTA. I feel like the “split an air B&B” idea was a great compromise that would allow her to be with her ESA and allow you to keep your home free of possible allergens/hair/accidents. Plus neither of you would be anxious. Also, since your place is small, the two of you would have more room somewhere else. If she also just wanted to see your place, you could have let her drop by for a few minutes before leaving for the air B&B (her ESA could be crated during this).
I had something similar to this happen. A friend I hadn’t seen in many years wanted to stay a week at my condo and planned to bring her VERY large dog. I had a chihuahua who was terrified of big dogs and didn’t want my own dog to be stressed. Her family would have kept her dog for her, so her dog also wouldn’t be stressed, but she called me elitist for not allowing her dog. Her dog was pure-bred and quite expensive, so this made no sense to me, except as an attempt at guilt-tripping. In addition, her large dog would have had to ride 6 hours in her cramped car, so it wouldn’t be fair to her dog. I pointed that out and it somehow became an argument about me thinking my car and dog were better than hers (my car was smaller than hers, so this made no contextual sense). She never visited, plus that convo showed me she was still overly argumentative, and it was for the best for us to stay online friends only.
I hope the two of you can work through this and still be friends (if that’s what you want).
NTA it’s your own home, and if you have allergies, or simply don’t want a dog there, you don’t have to allow it. You aren’t a public space.
NTA, it’s your place and not wanting to deal with the added stress of a pet around is a reasonable boundary, if your friend isn’t willing to visit without her emotional support animal that’s also a reasonable boundary on her part, it is as simple as that. And you even offered the alternative of an airbnb, she has zero right to push, call you ableist or try to make you feel guilty. You could turn it around: If she really wanted to go visit and hang out with you she would simply book a room somewhere that allows pets.
NTA. Her comfort should not be above yours in your own home. She WANTS to come stay with you, she doesn’t NEED to. Plus, with your apartment being not pet friendly, if you were to allow her to bring her animal you would be the one facing potential fines or even eviction (which stays on your rental history for YEARS making it difficult to impossible to find places to rent). You face all the consequences here, she just doesn’t get a weekend away. She isn’t acting like much of a friend.
NTA if she’s always this self-centered, best to drop her as a friend. Luckily for her she has an emotional support animal to help her get through being friend dumped.
NTA. While it’s great that she has an ESA, she needs to understand and respect that not everyone is up to dealing with any sort of animal, be they as a pet or some form of either service animal or ESA, in their private space and a home is certainly that. On top of that, you have allergies and as someone who has a parent with pet allergies, I get it. That’s what it tends to boil down to when it comes to people with pet allergies vs someone coming in with a service animal.
Emotional support animal is not a service dog where the dog actually saves the owner’s life. Example: dog can detect when person is going to have a seizure and warns the person. NTA
NTA id feel completely different if it were a medical alert dog, but it’s emotional support- which I’m sure provides her comfort but doesn’t take priority over your home.
NTA. You should’ve just left it at “my apartment complex doesn’t allow animals,” though. There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting her dog in your apartment, but telling her its coming from you caused her to take it personally. As her dog is a legit ESA, a lot of times these pets can be viewed as extensions of oneself – the dog is part of her identity. That’s where she’s likely coming from. Had you just stuck with the apartment complex rules excuse, you would’ve negated all blame and it may have been a simple “aww that sucks, maybe i’ll still come visit though.”
NTA. She has a dog to help her fight panic and anxiety. For you the same dog would cause panic and anxiety. So, as sad as this may be, she can’t stay with the dog at your place. This is the thing that you “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. You want to help her get some time away from her pand that is nice of you, but you don’t want to pay with suffering for it. So, she has to decide if she can come without the dog or not.
It’s not a service dog so I would be worried that you could get into trouble with your building. Yes, ESA can bypass the non pet friendly aspect of apartments but does this extend to visitors?
A big part of growing up is learning things aren’t personal. She needs an ESA and that comes with some limitations on what she can and can’t do. If her needs are high enough, maybe she should look into getting a service dog. If it’s mostly for sleeping/over night, then she should know that will limit her. I don’t believe you can take an ESA into a normal hotel but I may be mistaken on that.
As for you, you knew she has an ESA, do not allow dogs in your apartment, and sounds like your allergic to dogs. Why was this not the first question? It sounds like she takes her dog everywhere but maybe I’m interpreting that wrong. She should have asked you if she could bring the dog initially, and given how you describe her needs for the dog you should have communicated your expectations with the dog at the very beginning. Just part of becoming a better communicator and growing up 🙂 I don’t think anyone is really in the wrong, just some subpar communication.
NTA. It is just a pet. It is not a service animal, and has not been trained to be one.
NTA. I think you’ll want to explain to your friend that while the presence her ESA calms her, it does the opposite for you. That is why you can’t have the animal in your home. Surely that would make her understand?
NTA. Even if you wanted to, if the building is not pet friendly, why risk your living situation? You’ve offered alternative solutions.
Idk why some pet owners or parents expects entitled treatment in the name of exception. I mean its your pet/ kid, why would you expect other person to have some emotional connect or empathy
Also I know its an ESA but still it could be problematic to other person health wise or boundary wise
An afternoon visit? Maybe. A weekend? No thanks. Gently suggest to your friend that a weekend away from her support animal might actually be useful. NTA
NTA, the situation sucks for her, but she doesn’t have to stay with you. And if your friend group wants to judge, then ask them why aren’t they letting her stay with them? It’s not their apartment, then they have no say in what you do in yours.
NTA. She’s choosing the dog over the visit. Now you know where you stand-third wheel to a dog.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
NTA; first of all, in most places, there is no “paperwork” or formal registration or licensing for ESAs. There is zero requirements for ESAs. They don’t have to be trained, they don’t have to be well behaved, you could pluck a duck off the pond, say it helps your anxiety, and boom, you have and emotional support animal. Service animals have a lot of requirements. They are usually trained from a very young age to not only be extremely obedient and well behaved, but to also perform certain tasks to help their owner, like a service dog for an epileptic might know to put their body under their owner’s head during a seizure to prevent head injury, or something. There are such things as Psychiatric Service Animals, and they are trained extensively to be able to help not only sense the beginning of a mental health episode, but also help ease their owner through it. They also have been trained extensively to behave in all situations because they need to be able to sit still and watch their owner in ALL situations of life.
An ESA has zero requirements. Your friend has a coping mechanism. I understand that. I have dealt with crippling anxiety in my life, and my dog at the time (RIP) helped ease my suffering. I understood the limits of that. I understood that it was no one else’s job to accommodate a coping mechanism of mine that affected them negatively. My dog was not trained to hold her needs and watch me intently. My dog wanted to play, and needed to pee, and would get into shit.
NTA and you offered solutions that she turned down. It’s also not like she has nowhere to live and needs shelter. She wants a vacation, and your place is not a hotel, (which also don’t have to accommodate ESAs).
NTA here’s the thing it’s your place so you have the right to say no to any pet (service animal or not) but the main thing is if your building is not pet friendly and you get caught having an animal in your apartment for the weekend you could get in big trouble with fees or even an eviction
I would explain to your friend that your building is not pet-friendly and you could risk eviction if found with a pet. And if she still acts mad/insist that you still have them over then she’s really selfish and you should re-evaluate your friendship
NTA
Even having a guest with an animal temporarily stay could potentially put your lease in jeopardy if you have already stated you don’t have animals. All it takes is one neighbor to report you & there will be issues. She’s out-of-line for calling you ableist because you don’t want animals in your home. It’s not ableist.