My BF and I have been together 6 months. We’re at college and we live in a house share together with my cousin. 3 months ago a new Roommate joined our house share.
Since Roommate moved in, I get on with him pretty well and my BF can be really jealous about it. Like if Roommate and I are talking, my BF often starts picking on Roommate and saying mean things to him (for example, Roommate studies really hard, and my BF is always telling him the reason he has to study so hard is because he’s so dumb, which isn’t true, Roommate is just hardworking and he’s actually very smart).
I don’t want to fight with my BF so sometimes I let his remarks go, but sometimes I tell him he shouldn’t say things like that because it’s just mean, but that only makes my BF meaner to Roommate and mad at me. I don’t know why my BF is so jealous. Roommate is a really nice guy and we have a lot in common, but we never hang out one on one or anything.
My BF is also always criticising Roommate’s looks because Roommate is quite overweight and my BF is always saying how much better looking he is than Roommate. Yesterday Roommate remembered that I had a big presentation coming up which my BF had forgotten about and I was really touched. My BF got really mad and kept telling Roommate that he was ugly and fat and that he’d never get a GF. I said that was mean and unfair, and my BF got mad and said “Do you find Roommate physically attractive?” and I said it didn’t matter what I thought, he shouldn’t say things like that anyway. But he kept asking me over and over, so in the end I was honest and said, “yeah I don’t think his weight is a problem and I think he has a handsome face”.
My BF was absolutely furious and he’s barely spoken to me since except to say that I have terrible taste and he doesn’t respect me if that’s the kind of taste I have, and I betrayed him by saying that in front of Roommate. Even though it’s not like I said I thought Roommate was more attractive than my BF, and my BF KEPT asking me.
Now my BF isn’t speaking to me at all. Was I wrong to be honest when he kept asking me over and over? I feel like if he didn’t want the answer he shouldn’t have kept asking me? But I’m also afraid that maybe I was disloyal?
UPDATE: I haven’t seen my BF all day and I sent him a message 4 hours ago asking to have a serious talk about our relationship. He’s just completely ignored me (left it on read) so as far as I’m concerned I’m done with him.
TL;DR: My BF is jealous of my friendship with our Roommate and kept asking me over and over if I found our Roommate physically attractive so in the end I gave him an honest answer and said yes. Now he won’t speak to me and says I’m an asshole. Am I?
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My BF and I have been together 6 months. We’re at college and we live in a house share together with my cousin. 3 months ago a new Roommate joined our house share.
Since Roommate moved in, I get on with him pretty well and my BF can be really jealous about it. Like if Roommate and I are talking, my BF often starts picking on Roommate and saying mean things to him (for example, Roommate studies really hard, and my BF is always telling him the reason he has to study so hard is because he’s so dumb, which isn’t true, Roommate is just hardworking and he’s actually very smart).
I don’t want to fight with my BF so sometimes I let his remarks go, but sometimes I tell him he shouldn’t say things like that because it’s just mean, but that only makes my BF meaner to Roommate and mad at me. I don’t know why my BF is so jealous. Roommate is a really nice guy and we have a lot in common, but we never hang out one on one or anything.
My BF is also always criticising Roommate’s looks because Roommate is quite overweight and my BF is always saying how much better looking he is than Roommate. Yesterday Roommate remembered that I had a big presentation coming up which my BF had forgotten about and I was really touched. My BF got really mad and kept telling Roommate that he was ugly and fat and that he’d never get a GF. I said that was mean and unfair, and my BF got mad and said “Do you find Roommate physically attractive?” and I said it didn’t matter what I thought, he shouldn’t say things like that anyway. But he kept asking me over and over, so in the end I was honest and said, “yeah I don’t think his weight is a problem and I think he has a handsome face”.
My BF was absolutely furious and he’s barely spoken to me since except to say that I have terrible taste and he doesn’t respect me if that’s the kind of taste I have, and I betrayed him by saying that in front of Roommate. Even though it’s not like I said I thought Roommate was more attractive than my BF, and my BF KEPT asking me.
Now my BF isn’t speaking to me at all. Was I wrong to be honest when he kept asking me over and over? I feel like if he didn’t want the answer he shouldn’t have kept asking me? But I’m also afraid that maybe I was disloyal?
TL;DR: My BF is jealous of my friendship with our Roommate and kept asking me over and over if I found our Roommate physically attractive so in the end I gave him an honest answer and said yes. Now he won’t speak to me and says I’m an asshole. Am I?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. My bf asked me over and over if I found our roommate attractive so in the end I was honest and said yes.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, your bf was being harsh and way too pushy. Even if he wasn’t hell-bent on insulting your shared roommate I think the way you complimented him was very respectful and didn’t come across like flirting whatsoever, so no boundaries crossed.
NTA but it sounds like your BF is an asshole who is bullying your roommate.
NTA. Your current bf is, though. A nasty, childish bully.
You aren’t the asshole but I’m shocked given your bfs track record that you thought he would take this information in stride.
Find an adult to have as a boyfriend, not a child. NTA.
NTA Your bf sounds wildly insecure, immature and frankly insufferable. Is this the type of man you want in your life?
NTA – although I must say I’m judging you slightly for not having kicked the AH boyfriend to the curb already.
This is a big-time Rule 11, but while I have the chance: throw away the whole man.
NTA. He asked, you answered. If he don’t want an answer, he shouldn’t ask the question.
Suggestion: Ditch the bf. He’s too immature and insecure. His jealousy is a strong sign he doesn’t think he deserves a person like you. He’s right. He’s worried you’ll find somebody better than him (i.e.: almost anybody else).
You really have no future with someone who oozes so much jealousy. Your life will be a nightmare.
NTA- at all. I would suggest taking a long look at your current relationship and evaluate if he is someone that you want to be associated with. I suspect not…
NTA, but your bf is an asshat.
NTA but I cannot believe your bf is so hateful to roommate and gets away with it. Why do you want to be with someone who thinks it’s okay to treat anybody this way?
Your boyfriend’s insecurities will get the better of him one day. He has no good reason to bully his roommate other than his insecurities. Your relationship looks doomed.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a jealous, possessive child. Those traits are probably not going to change as the relationship progresses. You need to ask yourself if you really want that in your life.
Who gives a shit? Why is everyone so insecure and annoying
NTA but your bf is. He is a bully and you should dump the jerk.
You guys are all very young but your boyfriend is seriously immature. Maybe you can do better than a bullying Asshole?
NTA, but please break up with this guy. I see no redeeming qualities in him whatsoever. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an immature bully with anger issues? You will spend a great deal of your future being embarrassed & apologizing for him. That is, until you get tired of it & let go of all of your friendships because it’s just easier that way. Eventually, it can possibly escalate into physical violence against you because you smiled & thanked your waiter. Been there & regret it.
You’re NTA in the situation with your boyfriend. But YTAH (a little bit) for not telling your boyfriend to back off more
Why are you with someone so disgustingly cruel and insecure?
NTA but holy crap, you should 100% cut the bf off, he’s awful!
Why are you dating a bully?
NTA, but your bf is correct with his comment about your taste in men… why are you still with a dipshit like him…
NTA your bf is though. He’s outrageously insecure and mean, and frankly you shouldn’t be with someone who would treat people that way.
How are you watching him say these things to someone and not care at all? How can you date someone like this? Boyfriends needs to go, but don’t chase the roommate, he deserves someone who isn’t enabling a bully
NTA but your bf is a huge AH. Just to be clear the only way your bf would have been happy would be if you had insulted your roommate to his face and that would have made you an AH. Since you currently live with your bf this might make breaking up difficult, but you need to do so as soon as you’re able 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, but your BF has a point, you do have terrible taste. He’s proof of that.
Good for you. Don’t speak to him either, break up and move on. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. My partner and I regularly talk about other people we find attractive and appreciate them together, as we have a similar taste anyway. Would that mean one of us making advances? Hell no, we are very happy and committed to each other, and the trust is unbreakable over something as simple as “hey look, that person over there is really hot”.
why is your bf a literal child. tell him to grow up and leave him wtf.
NTA Your boyfriend is though. You should probably break up with him……………………………………………. and then date the roommate cause he wont treat you like that
NOR. What I would like is for the roommate to beat your boyfriend’s ass. However, I also don’t want the roommate to stoop to the low level that your bf appears to enjoy living at. He needs to go!
Your boyfriend is not a man. Only insecure losers act like this.
NTA. Your bf is punishing you for being honest. Do you really want to be with someone so insecure with such poor emotional regulation?
This reminds me of the guy whose insecure gf basically did the same thing and the whole situation quickly became toxic.
I seriously hope the guy is your ex bf now. Please run from him ASAP.
NTA for having the decency to stand up to his bullying behavior
NTA. Maybe your boyfriend is jealous because the roommates “problem” is fixable but the bf’s shitty personality is not. Dump this loser, you and your roommate deserve better.
NTA.
Your boyfriend has been showing you who he is. If you want to stay together with someone like that, that’s on you.
NTA!
First, your boyfriend is a hot mess, but he’s not important here.
Second, you definitely deserve better! You treated RM like a human being and he did so in return! This was never a RM vs BF until he made it so. If I were you, I’d reevaluate my partner to see if they hold the same values as me.
As someone who’s happily divorced from someone with similar toxic traits – gtfo.
You can do better, and his insecurities will eventually drag you down with him.
TL;DR: NTA
Ill never understand why people ask these questions. Like, finding someone attractive isn’t a betrayal, at all. Acting on that attraction is. NTA but you need to dump your bf he’s literally an garbage person.
Your boyfriend is openly and aggressively rude to your roommate, how is he still even allowed in the house?
Don’t date people who are rude to wait staff and don’t date people who are rude to the people you share living space with. It’s so unattractive to, he sounds like a garbage person. To the curb he should go.
NTA, but I have to agree with boyfriend here: you do have terrible taste in men if you are still dating this insecure bully that seems like he peaked in high school
I agree with your boyfriend. You have terrible taste. Anyone, male or female that thinks it’s ok to verbally, mentally, emotionally abuse anyone else is not a good person. Period. Years of ‘just jokes’ ‘it can’t be hurtful if it’s the truth’ excuses are what caused me to lose myself, lose my happiness, my family and almost myself.
This is a serious red flag. Insecurities aren’t a green light to project your shit onto others. Everything he says is a confession about himself and what he hates about himself. He hates that he isn’t good looking. He hates that he doesn’t study hard. He hates himself and will teach you to hate yourself too!
ESH, stop dating someone like that, what is wrong with you? You are just as bad as he is by allowing that type of bullying and abusive behavior. Don’t make excuses for him, he’s old enough to know better.
NTA in the sense that you answered honestly to an insecure, manipulative question posed by your partner.
How a person treats you when they’re mad I think can reveal how much they care about you. If he says he doesn’t respect you, listen to that. He’s not bluffing. You can set boundaries but you can’t force a toxic person to respect them and I’m keen to say that the bf sounds toxic given the information. My partner and I don’t tend to look at the menu cause we’re off of it, but have we said someone else is attractive? Oh yeah definitely and it’s never been a fuss because there’s mutual trust and also that’s our relationship. But have we ever trapped the other with that question? No that’s incredibly manipulative. I don’t think you’re disloyal, I think he’s not healthy for the relationship.
Your boyfriend is right, you do have terrible taste. Get rid. NTA
NTA. find someone who isn’t so insecure they can’t handle people having eyes in their face, and who values honesty.
ESH
Yeah, I’m sorry, but while you are NTA, you’re also not being particularly smart. Your boyfriend is a jealous, controlling asshole who bullies people who he feels threatened by. Why are you with the guy?? Whether you love him or not, whether he’s good person 95% of the time, that last 5% he sounds horribly shitty. Your roommate doesn’t deserve that treatment.
“Disloyal.” For thinking someone is good-looking? Jesus.
Your bf sounds like a huge asshole bully and a child…get rid of him!
NTA, your boyfriend is a bully & cruel. Seems like he cares more about his ego getting stroked to feel more validated as a “Man”.
If the roommate wanted to he could lose the weight but would still be kind, hardworking & smart. Your boyfriend on the other hand needs to seek some therapy about his lack of self confidence, self image & egotistical ways.
> he’s barely spoken to me except to say that I have terrible taste and he doesn’t respect me if that’s the kind of taste I have
“Now that you mention it, dating you does prove I have terrible taste; I didn’t realize I was attracted to insecure bullies.”
NTA for telling the truth. Absolutely an asshole for not shutting it down quicker by kicking him out.
NTA and your boyfriend saying you have horrible taste while being your boyfriend is really funny.
NTA – Attraction isn’t something we control, and you were only being honest! However, we are all insecure as humans .. and maybe his hostile attitude is a result of not feeling validated by the relationship?
NTA – your Roomate sounds nice. You should date him instead. 😅
NTA – your BF’s true colors have been exposed. Is this the kind of relationship you want? You and I both know that your BF isn’t going to magically change overnight after 1 conversation about this. What you are seeing is who he is. It’s up to you if you want to keep a relationship with this man-boy-child.
Jesus, your boyfriend sounds like a fucking asshole. Why are you with him? Obviously NTA… play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Move on from this jackass.
So how was the new roommate in bed? YATA. That was a trick question you should have lied.
NTA and why does this bf get to be your bf at all? I wouldn’t tolerate, or be attracted to, a mean gf.
NTA, your boyfriend sounds absolutely toxic. Get rid of him ASAP!
ESH. Your boyfriend is feeling really hurt that after dating you for 6 months, some other guy gets to move in with you. It’s petty, sure, but most of human nature is petty. He’s feeling threatened so he’s taking it out on your roommate instead of confronting you directly and telling you how shitty it makes him feel that you’re living with another guy. On paper, all of the reasons he will give you for why this hurts his feelings may be considered insecure, weak, petty or jealous, but that doesn’t change the fact that in reality his feelings are still hurt.
Some of us sulk and brood when our feelings get hurt. Others lash out on people around them. In a perfect world we would just talk about this like adults but in a perfect world you wouldn’t have to get a 3rd roommate who is clearly upsetting your boyfriend.
YTA but not for your reply to your bf. If you want to date an AH, that is on you but don’t expose your flatmate to this bully in his own home. Hang out with your bf somewhere else.
Dump the BF
Leave bf, fuck the roommate. It’s the only reasonable thing to do. NTA.
Oh, this is just the beginning of BF trying to exercise control over you. Huge red flags for behaving like a 10 year old. Actually, BF is a bully.
NTA.
Yeah that’s absolutely toxic lol. He is not a good person and not the type of man I’d like to support and stand next to and defend. You seem like a sweet person who cares for others and there’s always going to be asshole men who have insecurities that are easy to project on sweet people like you and the roommate.