My Partner and I found out we were expecting several months ago. When we announced it, all my friends and family kept repeating that fucking line over and over to me: “You’re going to be a great dad!” I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the compliment. I appreciate that people have that sentiment about me as a person that they believe I will be a good dad.
My son was born 2 days ago. In the Hospital, I got right to work. I made sure my partner only had to be awake for Doctors, Nurses and Baby. She worked hard for way to long for me to let her do anything else. Diaper changes are my job. Baths are my job. Feeding him when she’s tired is my job. Getting her food. Buying her pads, and snacks. She did 9 months of hard hard work… its my turn. She made a comment today when one of our friends was over earlier “I think I’ve changed one diaper. He has been doing all diaper changes. And he was worried he wouldn’t be a good dad.” I smiled and took the compliment.
When our friend left, she told me, “Every time I’ve seen someone say you’re going to be a good dad, and when I just said that you are being a good dad, it looks like you want to scream at us. Why? You are being a great dad and it’s only been two days”
So I started crying (as I am crying typing this). None of the things I am doing is being a great dad. I am being a parent, and a partner. I am providing what I see as the basic necessities of being a parent.
Being a great dad to me is making sure my boy never has to wonder if I love him.
Being a great dad to me is making sure he always knows I’m proud of him.
Being a great dad to me is making sure he knows to be kind, respectful, and righteous.
Being a great dad to me is making sure he’s proud of the man he sees in the mirror when he grows up.
Right now, I’m being a caregiver to make sure he survives into his adolescence. The man he becomes will determine whether I was a good dad…. and I don’t want him to be like me. I want him to be better than me.
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When the bar is in hell, the basics become extraordinary.
You do sound like a great partner, not just a great dad. Keep loving your family. You’re doing great. Remember that greatness isn’t perfection and it’s ok if you make mistakes as long as you continue to improve.
My oldest is 16 and my youngest is 6. Both boys. I can count on 1 hand how many times I’ve been told I’m a great dad. As a single father I find that insulting.
I’ve known several women who have gone suicidal because they weren’t complimented enough times in a day.
It’s so rare I receive a compliment so much so, I feel awkward when I do receive one. I’ve had to learn in therapy to just say thank you.
The fact that this is on your mind. the fact that you’re actively thinking about this. The fact that you are actively trying to be the best you can be for not only the child but for your partner.
I can’t and I won’t tell you that you’re guaranteed to be a great father. I can’t see the future. But if you keep this up. I have a feeling you’ll turn out to be a very good dad one day.
Sounds like you need to accept you’re a GREAT FUCKING DAD!!! You are amazing, dude and it’s ok to acknowledge that. I hear what you are saying, and that makes you even more amazing because so many people are in fact… shit dads who don’t do what you do. You’ve gone above and beyond. Bravo! And yes, you’re right. It should be the norm. But unfortunately, it isn’t.
My husband has the same standards of fatherhood as you and we talk about it a lot. I will probably not be able to make my husband a father, so I can’t speak from personal experience. I am trained as an early childhood educator which is basically a bachelors degree in supporting and parenting other people kids. In the time I spent in the career I worked with hundreds of kids/babies & their families. I can speak from the vast wisdom they have shared with me.
You and my husband are the rare exceptions to how people approach fatherhood and that’s where the compliment comes from. Your concern and awareness is honestly 3/4 of being the kind of good dad that you hope to be. The last bit is doing it. You are going to mess up. Things are going to get harder. There will be a lot of times where you feel like the biggest fuck up to ever parent a child in all of history (real quotes from some seriously amazing parents). And those are usually signs that you care. You sound like the kind of person that loves hard, cares deeply, and most importantly, apologizes and takes action to change when you hurt people. The best people I know are far from perfect but acknowledge when they mess up and work on it. Your son will watch you fail and grow stronger from it because he will watch you get back up again. He will see integrity in action. He ALREADY experiences integrity in action.
One of my favorite things to do with newborns is to hold them and tell them about cool stuff. It’s great for bonding and language development. Start telling your son how much you love him right now. Tell him that you are proud of him every day for every milestone- even if it’s just a good feeding- the little stuff now builds up to become big stuff. Tell him he is kind, respectful, and righteous. Hold him up to a mirror and tell him all the things you want him to tell himself one day. It is never too early to practice. Feel empowered to go do the dad thing because it’s already happening. You ARE doing it. Give yourself some credit and grace.
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On a totally separate thought process, as a teacher, the person the two year old in front of me is, is very much a direct reflection of their parenting. You will see the young man that your son is waaaaay before he’s old enough to be self sufficient. I can tell how a child is loved and spoken to regardless of academics or personality. I’ve taught preschool age kids that were chatterboxes, got into everything, and struggled to learn beyond what is typical at that age but were so clearly given the absolute best from their parents and are amazing little humans. I’ve also had fast-learning rule-followers that lacked confidence and security because they weren’t seeing it modeled from their adults at home. The time before daycare and school is when you have the most impact and influence on your son. It will be when he inevitably pulls hair; hits, kicks, or throws something; or does something else that babies (6mo+) do that the groundwork you laid out will start to show.
You’re already showing your son what love, care, and strength look like. That is being a great dad. Not because you’re doing the diapers or the late-night feedings—though that’s beautiful—but because your heart is in the right place. Wanting him to be better than you? That’s already proof that he’s got a damn good example to learn from. You’re not just being a great dad—you are one. And he’s lucky to have you.
From the wife of a great dad to a 18 month old.
You are a great dad. You are actively engaging and tending to your sons needs. Doing this now lays the groundwork for you to do the things my husband does now. That includes play time, understanding their needs, meeting those needs appropriately and timely, and helping to create the foundation for a happy, healthy human.
I have 2 other sons who are much older, 13y and 11y. All my boys have different fathers. I made some bad choices in partners in the past. Both boys don’t live with me. They have been gone since the start of lockdown because there were a lot of things that needed to be handled medically, and educational for all 3 of us.
My 13ys dad was not this engaged during the early months, and it has been a struggle for them to connect and engage together since my 13y started exploring and engaging with the world around him. My 13y lives with his dad, I am still his safety net. I have gotten phone calls to talk about challenges that I can’t help with (male puberty is something I have 0 experience with), or questions about school choices and on 2 memorable occasions 3am calls to confess about him stealing large amount of candy.
My 11 year old moved in with his paternal grandmother. Who he met at 3 months old. His father lied about his age (he was 17, and a bunch of my “friends” even backed up his lie of being 20). Guess who hasn’t seen his dad despite living on the same property since 2020? My 11y dad has never engaged with him, caused him to want to commit suicide at 5, and has never done a bit of child rearing. My husband, who has been in my 11y life for almost 8 years, is the one who is called dad, the one who gets the questions I’m told boys ask their dads.
You are laying the foundation to be what you believe is a great dad. That makes you a great dad now.
Hey man, all the stuff youre doing now is gonna have a meaningful effect on his future. If youre doing all youre doing, he’ll come in to everything else in time. I hear your point, but it feels to me like with your concern, youre putting the cart before the horse.
Follow up question, are you proud of the man you see in the mirror?
>Being a great dad to me is making sure my boy never has to wonder if I love him.
>Being a great dad to me is making sure he always knows I’m proud of him.
>Being a great dad to me is making sure he knows to be kind, respectful, and righteous.
>Being a great dad to me is making sure he’s proud of the man he sees in the mirror when he grows up.
These things are not learned by words but by example and daily confirmation. You’re doing exactly the right things to teach these lessons and be a great dad
I’m rooting for you, OP! I’m rooting for all of you. Congrats on becoming a dad! I wish you and your family health and happiness!