EDIT: a lot of you took my original last line as me being facetious.. but I was being honest. My day was hard and it was frustrating that she said that. BUT honestly her day taking care of 3 young boys (1 with autism) is way harder and she can’t even go to the bathroom without one of them screaming at her.. I was trying to say she was right
- Left the house at 6:45AM.
- Drove a total of 160 miles.
- Hit 23 different shops across 3 counties.
- Almost all cold calls.
- Got flat out rejected at 15 of those stops.
- Walked over 8 miles total.
- Got chewed out by a mechanic because he read the part number wrong when he called me to order a fitting last week.
- Crawled under a dump truck to help a guy identify the correct hose for a blown hydraulic line while wearing dockers.
- Skipped lunch. Again.
- Took 37 phone calls.
- Dodged two near accidents from distracted drivers.
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Got stuck in traffic for an hour and 45 minutes on the way home.
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Walked through the front door, set my stuff down, and sat on the couch for ten minutes. Had my youngest on my lap playing peekaboo and reading stories the whole time until he toddled away to find a ball..
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She looked down at me from upstairs and said, “Must be nice. I’ve been home with the kids all day.”
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I didn’t say a word. I just got back up.
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She definitely has the harder job, and she does fucking excellent at it.
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I need to be a better husband and make sure she is getting the support she needs.
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Also.. I need to be better and letting her know that I see how hard she works and I appreciate her for it.
How was y’all’s day?
Comments
I’m sorry man. I’ve got nothing to say except I hear you.
Aww I’m sorry. I hope you can get a good nights sleep.
Maybe we can compare when she posts her day.
If she has time.
Sure you have had a busy day, but it doesn’t mean she hasn’t, or has the easier job.
As a two working parent household, the key is getting each other “me time”. Like an hour each a few days a week. The important part is you both get the same amount.
Try talking to her, this isn’t a competition, you’re partners. You should tell her how that makes you feel. Without throwing any insults, because I’m sure she worked hard too.
she defeintly doesnt have the harder job
You went to work. Do whatever you want after work. Ten minutes is nothing.
That sucks. Maybe you can plan some time to figure out a better system/ set expectations? Maybe she can have her first child-free pee break of the day while you sit with the kid and treat it like a break for both of you without having to deal with name calling. Or something else that allows you both to get a little bit of what you need / were missing from your own days.
I’m sorry 🫶
Maybe tell her this? Maybe sit down and talk with each other, not at each other.
Don’t try to compete this isn’t a contest. Y’all are supposed to be in this together.
When we’re frustrated with our lives it’s easy to forget that other people have their own challenges and to be blind to that.
So sit with her and tell her all of this and your feelings and then outline with each other ways you can be better together and meet each others needs more effectively
You did good. Get your rest. Tell your wife you are doing a good job. You are not lazy. I hope dinner is good.
The world is chock full of delusional people who will tell you to ‘man up’ even for bringing this up. I wouldn’t wanna be in your shoes that’s for sure.
Write down this day and remember it. After the kids are 18 and have moved out, remind her of today and dump her ass.
Heres the thing, it doesnt matter whose job is harder.
What she said was low and not constructive and you dont deserve that.
That’s because in her mind you
Just like to you she
But her day broken down looked equally as crazy as yours, just in different ways. Took my husband and I awhile to figure this out and honestly it took me leaving him home alone with five kids for a long weekend business conference. Day three he sent roses to me.
All that to say you guys need to find time to reconnect and talk things through. As much as you need ten minutes to regroup she needs ten minutes of quiet to regroup as well.
Talk together and help her understand what your day looked like. And YOU understand that her say was equally as insane as yours. Neither of you did just one thing. Both of you are exhausted. You need each other. 🙂
TSM for team green?
Read the book “how can I get through to you” by terrence real
Sounds like yall resent each other and refuse to help. She is, quite literally, doing the heavy lifting of raising kids. She carried them, birthed them, now is home all day raising them. Then dad comes home, and instead of asking her whats wrong, you make a snide reddit “pick me” post about how “ungrateful” your wife is.
Hug her. Appreciate her. And give her the evening off. Then communicate.
Having kids is an aesthetic men want, but when it comes down to being a dad and husband, they lack so heavily in being a role model.
Welcome to marriage, better get used to it
That was mean. I hope you get a good dinner and sleep like a log. You deserve better than snark.
Instead of asking us how our day was how about you ask her how hers was.. marriage is a partnership. Y’all both had hard days. What can both of you do to make both your days better?
Sniping is a bad sign.
So discuss each of you getting Me Time and make it equitable.
And discuss how you both feel because resentment is a relationship killer.
Maybe you should show this to her. Let her know you just need ten minutes in a safe place she has created (your home)…
Don’t let her be your marker of validation. There is no reasoning with her. Just keep moving and keep grinding
I would ask if she’d rather switch places? I’d further argue that you can really measure whose job is harder but I guarantee she wouldn’t be able to do your job.
Do me a favor.
Ask her to itemize her day the same way you did..
Just one day, because kid care changes daily.
Give her the opportunity to respond accordingly.
If the kid wandered off, your lap is open for her to come get a cuddle and one on one attention.
Watching the kids at home wouldn’t be half as bad if people started being parents instead of their kids friend and enabler.
If the kids don’t behave, and cause a chaotic whirlwind while you’re home, its because the parent doesn’t have a spine.
Neither of you has the harder job. Both your jobs are hard. You should give and get support from each other for that.
It’s not healthy for either partner to view themselves as doing more, even if I privately agree with you.
It’s better to communicate and work out a way in which everything feels more balanced. I think a lot of toxicity and resentment festers when “I do more” “my day was harder” “I have the harder job” energy is exuded. By either party.
She’s definitely being more blatant about it but your last bullet implies your day was harder of course, which could be showing up as micro aggressions towards her regarding how you are doing more. Your day was harder. Etc. do you ever make passive comments like this? Snippy or sarcastic regarding the difficulty of her days? Are you empathic that being a stay at home mom is also a lot of work? Etc. It’s possible you are doing and saying the right things, just posing a question. Now do you privately think you do more and resent her for it? Even if you don’t make comments like I mentioned? That’s another issue that needs couples therapy or a deep, unheated conversation. Or it will lead to resentment and frustration. I promise you if you’re feeling it (and even not making it obvious), the energy you’re exuding around the topic is coming off to her.
Remember hard work isn’t all about how much you’re physically exuding or traveling in a day. Everyone’s tough day looks different. Imagine this post from her pov. The kids were crying and throwing tantrums since you left at 630 am. She had a migraine all day. She finally got to lay down and your youngest throws up in bed. She had 3 kids to haul around to practices and school. She had to go to the grocery store. She made dinner for everyone. And her husband comes home from work and immediately plops on the couch. Just an example, idk your wife or situation.
I say all this because I have been on both ends of the resentment for doing more or doing less. I can tell you, no matter what having the mentality, even privately, that “I do a lot more” will lead to a very toxic relationship, if it isn’t already heading there.
Damn. Life is exhausting either way you slice it. Sorry to hear that it’s rough.
Some communication might help that you need a few minutes. Do you talk to your wife through out the day and confide I’m her of these things?
As a single parent right now, my shift doesn’t stop until the kiddo is tucked in. I don’t come home from work and say “oh wee what a break”. So totally get that you’re tired, but this will turn ugly if you get resentful.
On days off with kiddo, Im not relaxing at all lol. Not bad, it’s just the reality of being a parent. Your job being hard on you doesn’t really exempt you from domestic life and within such with a partnership, a good system of all needs has to be established. Yours and mom’s. Maybe you guys should just talk and rework the system.
sorry man sounds rough
i think you should share this with your wife as well? she needs to be aware of your little to big struggles to understand where you are coming from and how are you holding up
I used to take 10 min in the car before I got home. Pull over in the park so I could make a clean transition because I knew when I got home, she would need a break in her routine, and from her perspective, I got to leave all day.
If there’s a pretty girl on TV, uh oh I’m in trouble.
I’m sorry. You and your wife seem to be going through a rough time. My late husband, (I’m a senior) used to come home exhausted and I was exhausted (I worked, too, but made sure I was home after school for homework & dinner prep. He would walk in grouchy & I wanted help. We adopted a 30 minute time out from the time he walked in the door before the kids & I could discuss important things. He got a chance to unwind and I knew I could talk to him soon. Mutual respect solved the whole is more tired or lazy talks. You guys can do this!
She doesn’t think you’re lazy. She thinks she’s unseen.
She knows your day was long. She knows you worked hard. But she doesn’t feel like she can acknowledge that, not until she feels like you see her effort too.
The tension isn’t about ten minutes on the couch. It’s what those ten minutes symbolise. Because if she lets you rest first, it feels like she’s agreeing…your day was harder, your role more important, your exhaustion more valid.
And that’s not what she wants. She just wants to feel like you’re equals in this. That her day, her work, her mental load counts too.
But she can’t go first. Because going first feels like giving ground. Like admitting your need is greater than hers. And if she already feels invisible, that’s a hard thing to swallow.
This isn’t really about laziness. It’s about recognition. And the quiet resentment that builds up when it’s missing.
You might dismiss this comment but I implore you to show this comment to your wife. Ask her if this ^^ is the problem. I’d bet actual human dollars that I’m right.
My wife does this same shit. My wife sits in an office and scrolls on her phone a day then comes home and does it at night till bed then has the balls to always make sure to remind me she is way more tired than me or way more “done” than me.
I work in the rain, i commute 3 hours a day, i work in the heat, no real benefits, im overloaded with work every day. She works in a/c, commutes 5mins, has full benefits and then some, she rarely stays busy….but yet somehow her shit is always “harder”….i can barely use a bathroom all day. It got really old a long time ago
I have also been a stay at home parent, that shit is way easier than going to work all day by a long shot
Dude…tell your wife what you told us. She just assumes she has the hard part in the relationship, but she doesn’t know what you go through.
I am exhausted after a long day after work and then you add in 1hr commute to work and an hour after that. I work in sales too, so i can understand the frustration of getting rejected all day and needing a moment to yourself. You owe that to yourself. You are driving 160 MILES.
The problem here isn’t your work or you being lazy. It has something to do with your wife. Just how we handle objections at work, figure out what your wife’s real pain/motivation is based on the comment she made.
Did she just wake up on the wrong side of the bed that day, or is there something else troubling her and you were the target?
You’re a sales guy, just engage in some discovery process with your wife😎
And here I am getting annoyed when my wife yells at me scrolling.
I feel like this could be easily solved if you sat down and had a conversation with your wife about how this makes you feel. If you can’t manage to do that then your relationship has more dire problems.
What a bitch
Wrong place for sympathy, general reddit is always going to side with the woman in any situation unless she’s smoking crack while pregnant, sometimes even then.
When my kids were little I told my husband I needed 15 minutes to decompress after work before I take over the kids. On the days I was home when he worked I didn’t rush at him when he came through the door. It helped us to have a peaceful home.
Maybe if she knew that those 15 minutes would help you to switch gears and be present you can both come to a compromise.
Maybe share with your wife all this that you did today? Like communicate with her. Sorry honey that you’ve been home all day with the kids, but give me 30 minutes to decompress since I had such a busy day. (Lists all the things you did)
Today my wife and I were talking about this exact thing and I said “No one is happy today except our kids and our employer.”
Took us both by surprise to look at it that way. It’s a raw deal. You did good by getting on with it. When you lay your head down you can say you did your job for the day, and maybe promise yourself to at least take lunch tomorrow.
You got this.
Sounds like you maybe need to include some free time for both of you in your daily routine. I know my husband has an extremely stressful job, and he knows that I need a minute away from the toddler. When he comes home I tell him to take an hour upstairs and then I take mine. Works out well. Some days we may not need that time, but the option is always there, and it’s helpful to know it is. Sad to see some comments that think playing the struggle olympics is part of a relationship – what a miserable way to live.
Parenting and working full-time are both completely exhausting, just in different ways. I’m a full-time working mom with two kids under three and I’m in grad school, so I seriously get it. But the passive-aggressive behavior? That’s not okay. She doesn’t seem to see how hard you work or how stressful your day actually was. She didn’t even ask. That says a lot.
Sure, she’s tired too. Her day is long, she’s probably overwhelmed, and I’m not saying her feelings aren’t valid. But that doesn’t mean it’s fine to take it out on you. At some point, self-reflection has to happen. Maybe she talks to someone, maybe you both do. Something needs to shift if this kind of thing keeps happening.
Did you two talk about it afterward? Did you ask how her day was? I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this
Lmao if the genders were reversed all the commenters would be outraged saying you should divorce him. No use complaining on this sub as a male, friend, Redditors can’t help themselves
So typical nowadays. I’m sorry man. Hope you get some rest this weekend.
Sorry OP. My wife was the opposite. She knew every day was a bad day for me. She always told the kids, leave Daddy alone when he gets home. I’d plop on the couch and she would say to me “let me know when you’re ready for dinner.”
We don’t need a list of your entire day laid out as some proof you were busy. You know what you did. If you are looking for confirmation that you aren’t wrong in any way for sitting down for a bit after work then you have it, there is zero wrong with it. Your wife needs to settle down and relax.
As a parent, you have the harder job.
Sounds like she’s incredibly overstimulated. Communication is key here. She just needs to speak up so you aren’t required to read her mind. But you gotta talk to her too. You clearly had an exhausting day and maybe she doesn’t know how awful it was. Devils advocate agrees. Communicate.
Ooof, sounds like you and your wife both had a long, frustrating day. That’s always so hard when that happens. You sound like you’re doing a great job being a supportive and present husband and father. Keep up the great work!!
I hope you and your wife have a better evening together with the kids, and then a relaxing time after the kids are down for the night! Hopefully tomorrow goes better as well.
Why don’t you read this post to her?
You need time to de-escalate. I do the same when I get home.
She is likely overstimulated, touched out, and in need of some “her time.” When the time is right, I would suggest to calmly address the topic and let her know how those remarks make you feel and/or tell her that moving forward, when you get home, that you expect her to leave for 30-60 minutes to go do anything she wants/needs to do. Just a suggestion from a fellow overstimulated, touched out Mom.
To share some perspective, we know and respect how hard you work. We know rationally that you deserve to have time to yourself. Sometimes, we Mom’s, feel under appreciated and we feel as if we have lost our autonomy. At the end of the day, Moms and Dads have two VERY different roles. Dads can typically** come and go as they please without needing to ask for permission. They can come and go and the kids are unphased. When Mom’s need to use the bathroom, we have an audience. When Mom’s need to shower, we have an audience or need to ask permission. When Mom’s step out anywhere, the kids protest and cry out.
Just remind her that you see her. You appreciate her. You love her. You want her to take care of herself guilt free.
Hope this helps, OP!
Idk if it’s just me, but your work day sounds wayyyy worse than staying at home with kids. That sounds exhausting.
Both jobs are demanding and exhausting in different ways. This does not make one more important than the other.
Maybe she had a long day mumming (I can relate) but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be belittled.
I can’t gold my tongue for shit so I would tell her as much,I’m sure there’s lots of mature, calm and productive ways to say it all pretty but that’s a real slap in the face when people assume things and make comments that don’t help in any way, I’d be going off. You sound alot more mentally strong (and smarter) then I 😆 (33f)
The worst thing to do would to let it fester without having a conversation
I’m glad you appreciate her work, but does she know that? I’m guessing not because of your last few lines. My husband thought he was supportive until he started working at home for himself without an actual room/office with a door, and realised JUST how busy and exhausting a day with kids can be. Plus, you got to interact with other adults and do stuff. The peace of being alone in a car for 160 miles, with nobody touching me, would have sounded amazing to me at that point.
I can tell you – my kids are teens and I still can’t “check out” like my husband and kids do, so I’m guessing your wife wouldn’t even know how to sit for 10 minutes and not be “on.” I even had to get up – after falling asleep – because it never occurred to my husband to turn off the dehumidifier at midnight, when he came to bed, even though he had to walk right past it.
Best thing you can do: 10 minutes away from home. Find a regular spot to park. Sit, put on your music on and sit.
Collect.
Realize you are the most important part of a lot of peoples day.
Turn up the music, go home, and be a good parent/ partner.
She has the harder job ? Looooool nah
I need to read better because I misread that you crawled under a dump truck to help blow a guy
Honest and CALM communication is the key here. You both have exhausting jobs in very different but equally important ways. You need to come together to support each other and understand where the other is coming from. If you’re unable to facilitate these conversations calmly together then there is never shame in seeking couple counseling.
I hope you both can come together and work this out! Good luck to the both of you. Life is hard but it’s exponentially harder when you are unable to communicate with the one person you should be able to communicate with.
My boyfriend and I have no kids and very different jobs. I work on my feet all day as a restaurant manager in a very high volume location in the tourist Mecca of the world. He works primarily from home on the computer all day. But his mental exhaustion DOES take a physical toll on him. When I first heard him complain about his job I would internally roll my eyes and wonder what the fuck he had to complain about with such a “cushy” gig. It wasn’t until I asked questions and we talked about what he deals with on a daily basis that I realized his complaints were valid and, on some days, likely downplayed because he also felt bad complaining to me when I have a much more physically demanding job. I respect him so much and now, because of our ability to communicate, I never begrudge him any time he tells me he needs to decompress and switch gears to “off work” mode.
She’s home watching small kids, isn’t she?
Sorry, she wins.
All I got is your the opposite of lazy
Wife doesn’t respect or even seems to not like you
Home is NOT easier & I have 8 kids!
Keep daily diary like this and look at it at the end of the week.
I see you and it is amazing your light is shining as bright as it is with the stress of your work and the invalidation you receive at home.
Please know that your truth is valid, and nobody has the right to diminish your true voice. If someone called me lazy after a day like that, I would respond with something like “That is an extremely rude comment. I have gone nonstop all day doing XYZ, and I would appreciate it if you did not try to diminish my sense of self or make me feel bad about taking a 10 minute rest.”
How they respond after that is up to them, but speaking your truth and standing up for yourself does wonders in all areas of your life.
Honestly it just sounds stressful all round. You and your wife both deserve to be able to have a break.
The burnout is crazy. Communication and understanding is key. Nobody’s job is easy especially when you have children and bills.
You both need a break, a vacation. Some time off to just not worry and actually relax.
I would bounce and get her some food; if she reacts badly.. I would bounce and never come back again
It’s rough for both of you.
Maybe sit in your car and rest a block away before you get home. And make sure you hug your wife first when you get home.
I read your post as intended, good job man. The ability to leave your stress at work and not bring it into your home is so important. It keeps you the hero who comes in to save the day.
My husband has similar days to you. When he gets home, he asks what help I need before sitting down, you may have had a hard day but your wife may have had one too.
Get on the same page, it’s not a competition.
What she said was disrespectful
I would’ve just said “it is” and continued what I was doing.
As much as I love the energy my man. I think you are dooming yourself with this she has the harder job.
Everyone job sucks. Not just yours or your wife’s. Everyone’s.
Everyone deserves to be appreciated for the efforts. In the interaction I don’t notice anyone or anything saying “man all that hard work you did today… you did good”
I get it we are men we don’t need someone else telling us we did good to do it. But a loving and caring partner would say this. And not start comparing what they did that day.
Your day sucked and someone should care about that. So I care. Good job today man. Keep it up I see you.
This isn’t a competition of who works harder and is more exhausted. Both of you need to find a way to support each other and also plan separate self-care days and plan date nights with no kids. You’re a team, not opponents.
Tell her to take the night off. You lock in and figure it out for the boys. If she needs the space, she’ll take it.
If she doesn’t take it then she is just looking for an argument and the whole comment was petty nonsense. Which is probably worth talking to someone about.
I feel like your edit just makes this worse. If you are actively pulling your weight around the house, there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to have 10 minutes to chill when you’ve just got home from work. And the fact that her first instinct isn’t to greet you, but to make a snarky comment is concerning. Not as concerning as you thinking that she just HAS to be right here though.
Regardless of who has the “harder job”, everyone deserves a break! Don’t feel guilty for needing one, and make sure she gets one too.
I don’t even want anyone talking to me within 10 minutes of getting home, I need that time to reset. Take off my shoes and stuff, maybe eat, maybe use the bathroom, whatever. I mean obviously I don’t have kids because that wouldn’t be realistic, but snarky comments within the first 10 minutes is just really bad communication. Maybe she just had a stressful day or something but hopefully that’s not the norm.