This happened back in February, the 12th to be exact. I was all dressed up, favourite dress on, hair done, make up on just settling our almost 2 year old daughter to sleep ready for my parents to come babysit whilst we went out for a nice meal to celebrate our 8 year anniversary.
His younger brother was stopping with us in our spare room due to a breakdown in his relationship and living situation, so after I finished getting our daughter to sleep I went into his brothers room where my, now ex was sat there with a baggy of white powder and some sort of ornate spoon about to take some Ketamine. In that moment my world came crumbling down. I found out he’d been secretly taking it since new years 2024, spending upwards of £200 on it every month.
I was raised by parents who were addicts, ended up in care for a little while and it really messed me up. I’ve done a lot of therapy to process everything. So when he told me it wasn’t just this once I knew he needed to leave, that he posed a risk to our daughter. I told him and his brother to leave (his brother was taking it too) they both left that same night to their dads house and it’s been that way for last 2 months.
Recently, we decided to reconcile for our daughters sake and my ex has moved in for a trial run. Its been a week and things were going great until today. Whilst cleaning the house I saw he had white powder round his nostril, I’m not nieve I’ve grown up around drug users and addicts so I immediately called him out on it. He swears that he has no idea what it is, suggested it could be tissue from blowing his nose, could be flaky skin and got angry when I didn’t believe him. When I try to talk about it he barely gives me an answer and says no matter what he says I won’t believe him.
I just don’t know what to do, I refuse to put my daughter in the same position I was put in as a kid and feel like I should just throw him out again and have done with our relationship. He thinks I’m not being fair, he’s really trying and has been clean for 6 weeks.
And honestly, I don’t know if I believe him.
Comments
He’s lying to you. If he wants to get clean, great. But he moves out and he stays out for at least a year. How involved he stays in your life, whether he does therapy, and how he behaves over the course of this year should inform your decision.
This is such a tough spot to be in. Once trust is broken it’s so hard to rebuild… and having a child makes things much higher stakes. You are absolutely correct, that your daughter’s well-being needs to be top priority.
Is he in any kind of recovery program? My experience is “cold turkey” doesn’t work for most people. I’m in the USA and I know you aren’t so I’m not sure what resources are available there… but Narcotics Anonymous or SMART recovery are good programs. I would suggest you look at some sort of support for yourself as well. Navigating a relationship with someone with a substance abuse issue is difficult (my husband of 26 years is a recovering alcoholic). You’re going to need support to work through this. Even if you don’t stay together, he’ll never be completely out of your life since you have a child together.
I wish you the best of luck!
>ready for my parents to come babysit
>raised by parents who were addicts, ended up in care
>he posed a risk to our daughter
Obvious hypocrisy aside, can’t you simply ask him to take drug tests?
Also, I wouldn’t put ketamine in the same basket as say meth, alcohol, or heroin. While it can still be abused recreationally, it is much less likely to destroy your life, except perhaps financially. In fact, clinical studies have shown it can be effective to help treat depression and addiction (ironically).
I’ve noticed a massive propaganda wave against ketamine in the last year. Almost makes me think it’s effects on depression, anxiety, and addiction may be a little too effective for big pharmas liking. But that’s just my own speculative conspiracy theory.
There are urine test strips that can test for ketamine and supposedly it stays in the system for 2 weeks. If you want him to prove he is not using
He is full-on gaslighting you like an addict does. Get him gone. If he was serious about stopping he would’ve went to rehab not his dads to continue doing drugs with his addict brother.
You know what to do – no more second chances.
I had a friend who was an addict, had a wife, and a daughter, and they both spiraled so far down to the point they became homeless and their daughter had to live with the grandparents. Both eventually died. He was slightly older than me when he died – now I am older than he ever was.
My point is don’t mess around with this. You know damn well addicts are a problem and need documented, confirmed, abstinence from drugs to be taken seriously. Its not worth getting dragged into and putting your daughter at risk.
Ketamine is how Matthew Perry died. That shit is no joke. Having him around your child while on it is definitely not good.
I’m not trying to imply he isn’t an addict, but was he only doing it secretly because he CANT talk to you about it? You’re obviously allowed to not wanna date anyone who does any drug in any capacity, but to jump that he’s a full blown addict is also an extreme. I’ve dated people who don’t partake, and didn’t like if I did it around them, so I just didn’t. However, that’s where boundaries and communication come in.
I work in addictions. I want to make sure you know some facts.
Ketamine destroys your bladder.
Ketamine can totally remove sense of smell if snorted, not yet seen someone get it back but you never know.
There is no medication to help with ketamine addiction. A reduction plan and psychological addiction support is the only answer there. Do not let him tell you he’s on a prescription for ketamine addiction because there isnt one.
He will not get help until he really needs it. Do not enable him or think of the “good times” “for the sake of your daughter”.
I’m in the north of the UK and I’ve seen it’s been absolutely horrific in terms of addiction to ket at the moment. I know too many people that are solidly addicted to it and honestly they’re losing who they are as people. I’m no prude when it comes to drugs and things like that (except around kids as I too have addict parents), however, you know what you need to do. He needs to be gone and if he wants access then he needs to be drug tested and no unsupervised visits.
“When I try to talk about it he barely gives me an answer and says no matter what he says I won’t believe him.”
Because addicts lie, lie, lie, and lie some more. He had been lying to you for a very long time. It should not be any surprise to him that you won’t believe him. He has to earn that back, might take more than a damn week. Might take a couple years or even more. He’s still an addict; he needs to leave. I’m sorry you are having to deal with it all over again. I wish you and your daughter the best…..
Clean for 6 weeks (supposedly) that’s not long enough to let him back in the house.
There are tests that you can buy at the pharmacy to check if it is clean.
If he’s serious he will go to rehabilitation and get clean. Until then he has no intent of stopping and will always pick the drug over you
He should take a drug test. But really, he needs help and it’s not your responsibility to make him get help. If he’s truly serious about getting clean he should be in rehab or going to NA meetings. The fact that he got so defensive makes me think he probably is still using.
I have no idea how he managed to hide it from you for a full year, ketamine? Or how have you not noticed?
How’d you not notice someone doing ketamine for a year?
If kicking him out and not seeing his daughter didn’t get him clean, stop trying. It’s not your job to fix him. You’ll ruin yourself trying to help him. It’s a really fucking sad situation but I’m beyond proud of the measures you take to keep your daughter safe🩷
He’s lying, kick him to the curb!!!
You know the truth and you know what you need to do. I’m sorry and good luck.
Recovering opiate addict here. I don’t really know much about ketamine but I do know about addiction and I wouldn’t trust him. What sort of steps has he taken to get and stay clean? Did he come clean to his parents and tell them the truth too?
If you can get him to agree to test for it randomly and in front of you, that would really be the only way. Plus of course a recovery program. Whether he agrees to test for it now or not will give you your immediate answer of what that powder was.
He’s going to guilt trip you about not trusting him and he’s right. He has to earn back that trust. If he’s not willing to do that then he’s not ready to be clean.