I’m just so tired.
I have anxiety, ADHD and depression. I’ve tried to commit a couple times, the last time in February. I’ve been self-harming sice I was 11. My brain is genuinly so completely fucked that I dont know what to do. None of my friends reach out to me unless I do first. I was sexually assaulted in january and have gotten zero support. Ive put myself in a handful of shitty, dangerous relationships, I recently cut my dad out of my life and I’m constantly contemplating suicide. Im awful at the sport i love and i can tell other people see that. I have many unhealthy habits/addictions such as self-harm and porn. I’m failing at school, i’ve got lots of absences due to either not being asked to go to school or my mental health ahs been really shit. I get veiwed constantly as a dissapointment or just the mentally ill one of the family. I am the therapist to my friends but if I need help, it’s not there. I keep being told that im smart and that i can get through this but i cant do either. I’m fucked up mentally and there is no fixing it
I don’t know why i’m posting this. I just need someone to know. And please no one tell me to get help because I have a therapist and it doesn’t help. context, I’m only 15.
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It’s possible that your therapist isn’t the right fit for you. There are different types of therapy, and sometimes it takes a little doing to find what works for your particular needs. My partner, for instance, is actively made worse if his therapist is one that just sits and listens and makes notes. Some people like having a blank wall to hurl their shit at and feel better just getting it out; he’s not one of them. And it did a lot of harm before we figured that out.
Have you told your friends and family in plain, bald terms how poorly you’re doing and how neglected you feel? I know that is incredibly daunting, as a teen with anxiety, but sometimes brutal honesty is the best path forward.
I was like you when I was 15. I was whatever everybody else needed me to be, and never given the same courtesy—to the point that I jokingly dehumanized myself and never once realized how incredibly fucked up it was. And I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It led me down a dark path and I made a lot of mistakes that had lasting impacts…and part of that was because I just kept suffering in silence. I kept shouldering every burden given to me and never asked for help or learned to say no.
Do you have any passions, like drawing or reading? That was all that kept me going sometimes. I would escape into books, forget my own life for as long as I was within those pages, and it helped. It wasn’t a solution, but it allowed me to survive.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before—and I know when I was 15 I absolutely hated hearing this, but I’m going to say it anyway because now I understand why it was said to me—but it does get better. I genuinely never thought I would live to see my 18th birthday, and now I’m 32. Life still has its challenges, of course, but it’s so much better than it was, and most days I’m thankful to be alive. I’m thankful to have held on, even when it was by a thread.
So please, don’t give up. Hold on, and keep trying, and one day you will be on the other side of this suffering.
My DMs are open if you need them. 💙
Oh man. That age is tough. I’m sorry you’re going through all that. I wouldn’t know what it’s like for ‘normal’ teens because, like you, I was not why I thought was normal, that’s for sure. But I do know that very few 15 year olds are not having a tough time. It goes with the territory , sadly. But it should not be as hard as it is for you right now.
I too suffered like you. I had ADHD but was undiagnosed ( like a lot of people back then). I had many addictions and lifestyle issues. I was anorexic, addicted to cigarettes and pot and was starting my alcohol addiction. I too had problems with wanting to unalive myself ( tried once at 16 ) and felt alone and lonely despite having ‘friends’. I also put myself in very dangerous circumstances way too many times.
So I can feel for you as I have been there.
How did it get better? Well, luckily teen years do pass and life sort of evens out in some ways. But the thing that I wish I had done back then that I didn’t do until all my issues nearly did kill me was — stop self medicating. Please. It is the one thing that, once I did stop that nonsense, helped me regulate my emotions and see my life in a different way. I also got medication to deal with my anxiety and depression and that has really been a lifesaver— literally!
Please tho, whatever you do, do not allow yourself to take yourself out of the game. Life can be hard sometimes but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life CAN be all the things it isn’t now. I know this because I have finally found peace and joy and contentment— but it took a lot of years of struggle. So please don’t be like me. Get the help you can now and I promise you that life will look a lot different in a few years time.
Just keep trying and never give up.
you are only 15, i dont say that to invalidate anything you’re experiencing, just to say that you are so young and have so much to experience still. your brain wont even be fully developed for about 10 years. there is much growing to do, and even after 25. you are smart and quite self aware. if you have expressed to your therapist things arent getting better and they arent helping, it may be time to find another one. sometimes it takes a while find the right one. you remind me of me. i’m in my 30s now. i promise it wont always be like this, i understand right now it feels like it will though. being a kid/teen is fucking rough, you couldnt pay me to go back to those days. please stick around. you never know what you’ll miss. also maybe try expressing to your friends explicitly that you need support if you can. if they still suck then quit giving them your energy. i’m very sorry about your dad and the SA you went through, that can make things exponentially worse especially with no help. keep trying, you’ll find your tribe. try not to let anyone who judges you get to you. no matter who they are. it says more about who they are than you.
I was like you, but my debilitating anxiety started when I was seven after experiencing sexual abuse from a family member. I’m 33 years old now. My ENTIRE adolescent life was consumed by self hate and self loathing. I felt gross. I never tried to commit, but I cannot deny that the thought crossed my mind many, many times. I used soccer as an outlet for all my emotions – I let out a lot of anger and sadness – I was great at the sport, and when I had a career ending knee injury, all the walls I built came crashing down.
I didn’t take medication, I didn’t do therapy. I never EVER told anyone what I was going through and it did a lot of damage. It wasn’t until I was 20 that I caved and told my mom. She took me to the doctor and I got help. I still have some days where I struggle but things have continuously gotten better and I’m so glad that I didn’t give up.
I’ve also come to learn that anxiety and depression runs on both sides of my family, and it’s almost all predominately the women. I now can call them at any time and they will answer, and vice versa.
My inbox is always open to listen and offer advice. 💕
That age is so so hard especially when dealing with the effects of sexual trama. Im sorry you are going through it. Maybe you need a change in therapist. It gets better I dealt with similar things at you age and it felt hopeless but it’s not it gets so much better. Trust me the best parts of life are not at 15 they are farther down the road you just have to get there.