my boyfriend (27) and I (f24) are about to sign a lease on an apartment together and i’m now having doubts. today we went on a tour and found an apartment we absolutely loved. we went home, looked at the application and decided we would submit it. as we were looking over everything, he casually mentioned that he’s worried about if his sister’s house will affect our application. I was immediately confused and started asking him what he means by this. come to find out, he cosigned on his sister’s house last year without telling me. I immediately got upset and asked him “why would you not tell me????”. his only response was that he “didnt think it was important for me to know! it’s no biggie!”.
my head is spinning and I’m just absolutely livid about this. we also just adopted two cats together a month ago. he’s done things like this before in the past, but it was always something like lending a friend a couple hundred bucks. it’s never been something THIS big. what the hell do i even do now. i feel so mad and honestly my trust has been absolutely shot with him now. wtf. by the way, we’ve been together for 5 YEARS. i’m genuinely just floored and don’t know what to think or feel.
feel free to ask any questions you think are important/ will add context to the situation. im so pissed off about this and my thoughts are all over the place, so i’m sorry if this sounds so messy.
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Is he making payments on it or something?
If his sister is handling the mortgage fine and just needed him to cosign… it’s a big favor, but he wouldn’t be the first. If it’s not economically impacting him at all, not sure why you’re jumping to breaking up. As relationships get more serious, you need to get financially on the same page more and share more information, that’s a real frequent stressor as relationships grow and evolve and you work together to accomplish mutual goals. So it sounds like time for some more communication and transparency about stuff like this. But if it’s just a favor for his sister and he doesn’t have to spend a dime on it, not sure why you’d be so appalled, sounds like he’s just supporting his family.
If he doesn’t tell you the small stuff, he won’t tell you the big stuff, either
This is just the beginning if you stay with him. You should definitely leave him and move on.
Have you agreed to discuss financial decisions with one another? If you’re not married, he isn’t morally or legally obligated to do so, and by the casual nature he mentioned it in, it doesn’t seem like he was going out of your way to hide it from you. Even if you think the details of his finances are something your boyfriend owes you, it’s something that needs to be discussed and agreed to.
If you haven’t explicitly agreed to inform each other of financial decisions, you may have very different expectations of a partner. I would suggest having a candid conversation to come to talk about your expectations (financial and otherwise) and then decide if you can get on the same page about it.