[burner for anonymity]
My partner (31F) and I (30M) were invited to a destination wedding of a college friend that’s pretty far. It is not a best friend or family, but still a friend I care about, and a chunk of college friends I haven’t seen in years would be there. Unfortunately, my partner can’t get the time off work. I feel terrible, but was really looking forward the ability to go.
With RSVP approaching, my partner has told me I should go, but they are bummed they can’t make it. She also said if the situation was flipped, she would not want to attend a wedding without me, which makes me conflicted about the whole situation. I feel guilty as this is also a destination they really want to go to with me, and we have never been before. On the other hand, if I couldn’t make a wedding I would be sad, but wouldn’t want her to miss valuable time with friends because of me.
AITA if I attend myself without her, knowing all this?
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[burner for anonymity]
My partner (31F) and I (30M) were invited to a destination wedding of a college friend that’s pretty far. It is not a best friend or family, but still a friend I care about, and a chunk of college friends I haven’t seen in years would be there. Unfortunately, my partner can’t get the time off work. I feel terrible, but was really looking forward the ability to go.
With RSVP approaching, my partner has told me I should go, but they are bummed they can’t make it. She also said if the situation was flipped, she would not want to attend a wedding without me, which makes me conflicted about the whole situation. I feel guilty as this is also a destination they really want to go to with me, and we have never been before.
AITA if I attend myself without her, knowing all this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> If I go to the wedding without my partner, I fear the optics would make me look like an asshole for splurging on destination travel without my significant other
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA? She said you should go, and people have scheduling conflicts all the time.
NTA. Before making a final decision figure out how it will impact your life financially, socially, and otherwise with your partner. Will it mean you don’t get the vacation you two were planning? Or not being able to see family? Or will it mean budgeting and if you share finances are they on board? Can you plan and save for a trip to this place with your partner in the future?
You’re the only one who can decide if it’s feasible and worth it to you. There are always pros and cons to every decision.
Good luck OP!
NTA Go and have a good time. There will be plenty of times in life that your schedules will not meet up. Do not miss out on these opportunities to spend time with people you care about, or you will regret it. Let them know you will miss them and go.
Nobody is an AH in this situation!! Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. Your spouse and you can do things separately. You’re young, go see your friend get married and see your old college friends! I’ve been to lots of weddings with and without my husband (and past partners). I’ve even been the platonic date for several weddings out of town and had the best time.
Honestly, the most fun I’ve had at weddings was when I left my partner at home and went with friends or had my sister as my date.
Everyone knows married couples are the best boring wedding guests. I can say this became I’ve been one!
NTA, and it’s not fair for your partner to say you can go, but make you feel guilty about it. Would you do the same to her if the situation were reversed?
Also, why would your partner not want to attend a wedding with you? Is she insecure? Shy or introverted? I would ask more questions. Regardless, you do you.
NTA – I think she’s playing you.
I think she would go without you, if the situation was flipped. She either has FMO (fear of missing out)or she doesn’t trust you.
But at the end of the day! It’s about whatever makes for an easy life!
Go to the wedding and have fun. Take pictures and their phone numbers and maybe you can get together with your friends in the future with your partner.
NTA personally they wouldn’t go, but you aren’t her. I understand wanting to go to that location together, but I feel it would be way better to plan a mini vacation just the two of you and have an even greater experience. I understand the fomo from her but also they are all your college friends and you’d be hanging with them and the newly weds. Def NTA, just try and communicate with your partner and I’m sure they’ll understand!
She said you should go so if she gave permission, go.
However, bring her back a really nice gift and book a surprise weekend get away for the two of you when you get back and tell her how much you appreciate her being good to you about the wedding.
Your partner said you should go but tells you she wouldn’t go without you. She, like most men or women don’t want to be labeled controlling. She is, not directly explicitly, telling you not to go.
If you do go, be prepared for a problem when you return. Wether it’s a major relationship ending problem or a minor, I’m not talking to you problem, you will never know o til you go to the wedding and return home.
I hate when people do that shit. Give you “permission” to do something but in the next breath say they wouldn’t do it if it was them. It’s extremely manipulative.
NTA. If you were already planning to go, then go. Have fun, take lot of pictures and when you get back do something fun with your partner. Self sacrifice is unnecessary in this situation cause its just a pto issue.
NTA – You partner hasn’t been excluded but is not going through circumstance. You are allowed to keep up your friendships.
NTA- I’m still bummed that I let my husband guilt me out of going on my own to a destination wedding, a decade later. I should have gone. We’ve still never travelled to this place and may never manage to get there. It’s your friend- go support them. As an added bonus you get to go someplace cool- that’s awesome. GO!
NTA. Only a selfish partner would want you to miss out. Your partner should want you to do what makes you happy, even if they can’t attend. It’s not your fault she can’t go.
NTA. What she is doing is manipulative, whether she realises it or not. You won’t get an opportunity (I’m assuming) to see a lot of these friends in the near future. It’s unreasonable to not see friends at any point if your partner can’t be there as well. Go and have fun.
NTA. Your partner’s comment is manipulative. She can’t encourage you to go then say she wouldn’t go if she were in your shoes. That’s a game she’s too old to start.
NTA
Its healthy for people in relationships to have activities outside the relationship. Especially since you are both adults. I’m (34) married with a 10mo and when I have invitations to go out of town and my husband can’t go, my son and I still attend. I represent our family. Marriage is different obvi, but the concept is pretty similar. If you don’t go, you may end up resenting your partner for the lost opportunity, and she may feel like that’s the expectation in the future. It’s easy to say that she wouldn’t go if it were reverse, but it’s not reverse. And we don’t know what she would do. You can always go there with her in the future. You wanted her to go, she couldn’t, and that’s unfortunate. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go.
You would be the AH if you cheated while you were away, but going seems like a great opportunity for you. I suggest messaging her before and after and making sure she knows you’re still thinking of her when you’re away.
Thats wild?? I would never stop my partner form going to anything he wanted if i couldn’t make it. I dont get couples like this. Why cant you enjoy things separately??
NTA,. Go and if she decides to make it a problem when you get back, consider it a bullet dodged and end it with her. Nobody worth having a relationship with would resent you for enjoying yourself.
You should absolutely go. This is your friend, not hers. And it’s not your fault. She can’t get the time off of work. And saying that you should go, but that she would not go without you, is some manipulative bullshit. Huge red flag.
NTA. That was a bullshit move by your partner ..
Go, meet up with your friends, enjoy.
NTA.
NTA – maintaining independence in relationships is important. Your partner can’t make it, you can so go.
Biggest fight of my marriage was over this exact scenario. I didn’t go and I still regret it.
NTA. Your partner may say she’s okay with you going, but the way she’s framing it — “I wouldn’t go if it were me” — is manipulative. That’s emotional pressure disguised as permission.
She’s trying to have her cake and eat it too — giving you the green light, but also laying on guilt so that if you do go, she can say, “Well I said you could… but…”
That’s not fair to you. You’re allowed to maintain friendships and experiences outside your relationship. Missing a trip together isn’t a betrayal — it’s life. If she really supported your autonomy, she wouldn’t make you feel selfish for living it.
The truth is that healthy relationships require two whole people — not one person glued to the other’s side at all times. Codependence isn’t the same thing as love. If she can’t stand the idea of you doing something enjoyable without her, that’s something she needs to unpack and work through, not project onto you.
Go to the wedding. See your friends. Live your life. You’re not doing anything wrong.
INFO: What’s the cost of going? I don’t mean in dollars and cents (that’s none of my business), but in terms of what you’d be giving up to go?
Will you be away for a few days, but you have the money and the leave to still do stuff with your partner? Then that leans in favour of going and your partner living with her disappointment.
Does going mean you can’t afford or don’t have the leave to go on a trip with your partner? Then it may be more natural for her to be upset – with the addendum that that doesn’t mean that it may not be outweighed by the benefit of you getting to see old friends.
Just, working out the why (just feelings or an actual cost) is relevant to weighing everything out.
I think she’s trying to avoid being controlling and outrightly saying don’t go.
My husbands friend is getting married overseas next year. We’ve asked for the invite way ahead of time because we have children and a dog so there is a lot of planning involved. Haven’t had it yet. I’ve said to my husband that there are a lot of factors that might mean we can’t go (is it in the school holidays because you can’t take children out of school without being fined or prosecuted here, can we afford it, can we get care for our dog). He mentioned going without me if it wasn’t in the school holidays and I was pretty explicit that I’d be annoyed about that. It’s a huge chunk of OUR money, and I’d like a holiday too.
I think she is just trying to avoid that direct-ness. It was awkward being so blunt with my husband but hey, we’ve been together for 15 years.
However. If it is purely down to the fact she can’t get the time off and you have no other commitments preventing either of you from going, and it isn’t coming out of joint funds…
I don’t think either of you ITA. I think you need to have a direct chat and ask for a direct answer about how she’s going to feel if you go, because she’s told you to go.
How long have you been together? If it’s a short time I say go, if not stick with your partner. There really isn’t enough info to judge who is wrong
NTA. Just because she’s codependent doesn’t mean you have to be.
I’ve been to a wedding without my then fiance (interstate). He’s been to a wedding without me (we were married with 2 kids, international destination wedding and we couldn’t afford to all go). It wasn’t a big deal, even if I was bummed about missing the second wedding there’s no way I’d make him feel guilty over it.
You’re NTA for going. Go and enjoy it. The way your partner worded it was to make you feel guilty about going without them just because she wouldn’t want to go to a wedding without you.
NTA. She said you should go, and it’s a chance to see old friends—you’re not ditching her for fun, just making the most of an invite she can’t join. It’s okay to feel a little guilty, but you’re not doing anything wrong.
It comes down to do you want to hurt your partners feelings? She can’t help feeling hurt. And you too would be hurt if it was her going.
RSVP and go, she can’t make it; oh well. She’s trying to guilt trip you, I’m sure if the roles were reversed, she would’ve still wanted to go without you. Just tell her you are going. Simple
She’s telling you that you should go but guilt tripping you at the same time. That’s toxic.
NTA, she is a manipulative A H said that to you
Go to the wedding and enjoy the time with your friends. You two are a couple, not joined at the hip. Each of you need to spend time doing things that you like either alone or with friends. It’s vital for a healthy relationship.
NTA. GO and have fun but don’t call her every hour raving about how great the weather is. Check in as tell her you miss her. But you should go and catch up with old friends.
NTA, its manipulative of her to say you should go, and then say but I wouldn’t. Go see your friends and have fun , life is too short for passive aggressive bs
NTA