So basically, my ex, let’s call him X and I were a decent couple for a while. He was about two and a half years older than me, and by the time we broke up, we had been dating for around seven months. I ended things, but ever since, he’s been bombarding me with messages, calling me unreasonable and even going as far as to call me a “bitch” for breaking up with him.
When I was around 12, I was harassed. It’s a long and painful story, and to make things even worse, the guy who did it ended up taking his own life afterward. One of the questions I constantly get when I open up about it is, “What were you wearing?” as if what I wore could ever justify what happened to me.
When I told X about the harassment (we were about two months into the relationship at the time), he didn’t ask that question, which I appreciated. I was venting about how much I hate being asked that, and in the process, I ended up saying what I wore just to make a point that it wasn’t anything revealing. I was wearing a pair of black True Religion joggers that happened to be low-waisted (not by choice I didn’t even know what low-waisted meant at the time) and a tight black shirt that I had outgrown a little. None of it was intentional, and it makes me sick that I have to defend myself like that.
Anyway, at the time, X didn’t have a big reaction to the story. Nothing dramatic.
But then a few months later so now we’re about 7 months in I bought a new black top that reminded him of the one I wore when I got harassed. He went off, saying I was “toning” my body too much. For context, I’ve always worked on my waist, and it’s pretty small, which clearly annoyed him. He was like, “Oh, so you’re basically wearing that again.” I didn’t even end up wearing the shirt, and I let it go.
Then, like two weeks later, we were talking about clothes again. He was sweet-talking me, saying stuff like, “Yeah, but I really don’t like the shirts you buy.” I responded, “It’s winter, X. I can’t even wear anything toning or revealing if I wanted to which I don’t.” And he goes, “Yeahhh, but you wore them when you got harassed.”
Let me remind you: the day I was harassed, it was the middle of summer 31°C. It’s not like I was trying to dress a certain way.
Over time, he kept bringing up what I wore that day more and more. Once, I was crying to him about how hard it was to find jeans that fit me nicely. The only ones that ever fit properly were low-waisted, but I had a family event coming up, and my dad mentioned that they might not be appropriate. He didn’t forbid me from wearing them or anything my dad’s actually a really thoughtful person and I trust his judgment, so I agreed.
Anyway, I told X about how frustrating it was not finding any good jeans, and he asked to see my favorite pair. So I showed him and out of nowhere, he stands up and starts screaming at me, saying, “These literally go down to show your pussy.” What?! They absolutely don’t. He even told me that if I wanted to wear them, I’d have to crop my panties. Like, no. That’s not happening.
Eventually, we had an argument and I broke up with him. Since then, he’s been calling me a slut
(I didnt even have my first kiss there)
Edit: I forgot to mention ages lol
Around that time I was 16 and he was 18 and a half 🙂
Comments
This guy is an asshole. Dump him. Honestly, this is not a good person for suggesting that you were assaulted at 12 for what you were wearing.
Even without factoring the story in, if someone keeps messaging you and calling you a bitch for breaking up with him: you’re definitely not the asshole.
Once you factor the story in? This broken record incel needs to unsubscribe from his Andrew Tate podcasts, and reconsider the life choices that lead him to victim blaming.
NTA! This guy is a Grand Canyon sized asshole and a misogynist pig.
He guilts YOU for being abused.
He calls you a slut.
And you ask if you are the asshole. Oh, no, my Queen. He does not deserve you!
Dump this man. NOW. He will be a controlling, even more abusive MONSTER if you stay with him. For the love og God, do not marry him.
Dump his ass and tell him why!
NTA at all. The fact that he keeps bringing up what you wore during your traumatic experience is not just insensitive, it’s completely disrespectful. It’s one thing to have a conversation about clothing preferences, but bringing up what you wore when you were harassed repeatedly crosses a huge line. His behavior shows a lack of empathy and understanding. A person who truly cares about you wouldn’t make you feel guilty for your past trauma, especially not in the context of what you wore. You made the right decision to end the relationship. Your boundaries are valid, and you deserve someone who respects and supports you, not someone who tries to shame you for things you have no control over. Stay strong.
There is only one asshole in this relationship and it is not you.
NTA
Op, you didn’t give ages , but based on him comments I’m betting he’s young like early twenties? Because he sounds so immature like a 15 year old boy who thinks women wear short skirts just for men.
All of his statements all worrying and red flags and I’m so glad you dumped him. I usually say block him, but I think you should mute him and keep a record of his harassment and if he gets to be too much report it to the police.
NTA, you did yourself a service by dumping him. Guy is clearly deranged and not hesitant on hurting your feelings.
Cut contact, move on.
Why were you ever with this dude?
He sounds horrible! Actually blaming a child for being sexually assaulted!
Please, for your own safety, get far away from this walking red flag
You got a lucky escape IMO. His treatment whilst you were together and treatment since tells me he is not a good person.
It was not your fault. What you wore was not your choice and NOTHING to do with what happened to you,
I am sorry that to this day you are being told what to wear etc.
You have every right to wear what you want and if that offends or causes another person to act in some way THEY ARE THE PROBLEM. Not you or what you are wearing <3
Sending you love & light, I am so sorry for what happened to you <3
NTA. This goof is a monster for weaponizing your trauma. Good job dumping him.
After the first mention I’d have sent him this
what were you wearing exhibition
NTA. This guy was in no way a partner. He was a persecutor. Glad you dropped him.
NTA, if someone gets mad at you for saying no, that doesn’t mean you should have said yes
Save all his messages in case he escalates, in a separate folder that you can get to, but don’t see. Block him and move on, if he shows up at your house or work call the police immediately
If you want you can send a link to the exhibit to him: what were you wearing.
https://sbaproject.org/what-were-you-wearing/
NTA, block him everywhere. Stop all his access to you. And get therapy to work on your trauma. It is living rent-free in your head.
He sounds lovely. Does he have a brother?
(This isn’t mean to be rude)
I hope you are getting therapy, this reads like you have ptsd from the harassment you endured.
The fact that five years later as it is still impacting your daily life choices (like clothing and men) confidence / second guessing yourself.
I feel you may have stuff to work through so no one can “use this against” you in the future.
Absolutely NTA.
Gotta love people who think insulting and harassing their ex will somehow bring them back to them…
The way you even justify yourself here nonstop is telling and so famn sad, you should never need to and it’s just even more horrible that you feel like you have to. It doesn’t matter what you wear, even if you didn’t wear anything, that isn’t an invitation.
This guy blaming you for being harassed is all sorts of wrong and thank god you broke up! No one deserves that. Block him, leave him behind, that guy is mental.
NTA very clearly.
NTA. Ew. Just ew on his part. Actually it’s worse than that. Nothing he has said or done sounds remotely close to being an adult.
NTA – EEEWWWWW – Youi dodged a bullet there my dear. Block that asshole, and move on. There are MUCH better men out there than that slug who crawled out from under a rock.
Dude run. Block him. He’s harassing you. He’s just as guilty as the guy from your teen years. No one should be attracted to a child sexually no matter what. I get why parents don’t want their child to wear certain clothes but a predator will be a predator. My suggestion: learn to sew and make your own clothes.. Shalom you’re loved 💔
You are never TA for breaking up with someone. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy or love. In his case, he really doesn’t deserve it.
NTA. Block him and wear what you like without being judged or reminded of your trauma. If he wants to control his partner’s outfits, he can go buy a barbie
OP, I need you to understand the difference between harassment & assault. Judging by what hints you dropped, I’d say you were assaulted, not harassed. Call it out for what it is, & don’t be polite about it, even if it makes other people uncomfortable.
Your ex is an AH, you are not. Nobody should be policed about what they wear by their SO. In certain family events & functions, I get it, but not like this.
NTA, and he is a huge, huge AH. Ignore, block him everywhere and don’t entertain any sort of contact with him. He can rot in his mom’s basement, so to speak, not your problem.
Good thing he’s an ex and I would suggest you get into therapy. This guy was drawn to you for some reason and he ended up being abusive also. You most likely have some form of PTSD which prevents you from attracting the right guy or even being attracted to the right guy. You need to figure out how to see red flags for what they are and be able to move on when you do, not make excuses for someone just because you care.