My daughter is 13 months old. My mom hasn’t met her. Hasn’t asked to. Didn’t acknowledge her birth. Didn’t call on her birthday. Nothing.
When I first told her about my daughter, she said she needed to “simmer it in.” Then completely disappeared. Four months passed. No follow-up. No check-in. Just silence.
Eventually I broke and sent her a message—laid it all out. I told her how hurt I was. Asked her if this is how she wanted to die, with this kind of distance. Asked if it was pride. If she just hated me. If I reminded her of someone she couldn’t stand. Told her I didn’t even need a reply—I just needed to get it off my chest.
She responded with:
“Hey, hope you and family are doing well. I would love to see you guys please feel free to come and visit soon.”
No apology. No acknowledgment of anything I said. Nothing real.
Then the next day, she followed up with:
“Good morning hope you’re doing good can you please tell me what zzzzz mean”
I’ve never mentioned “zzzzz” in any text, so I have no idea what that was about. It just felt like a weird, awkward attempt to break the tension without actually dealing with anything I said.
This kind of thing isn’t new. She’s always been cold, emotionally distant, dismissive. Never shows up. Never owns anything. Her dad (my grandfather) is the same. Neither of them has shown an ounce of interest in their great-grandchild.
And the final straw? On Mother’s Day, she told someone, “I heard from my son, he got me a nice gift… but nothing from the other one.” I’m the “other one.” She couldn’t even say my name.
What kind of person does this? I’ve built everything on my own—career, home, moved states, became a father with zero support. And she just sits in silence, acting like I’m the one who’s failed her.
I don’t want anything from her now. Not even an apology. Just needed to get this out. Because it’s been eating at me for a long time.
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Sometimes moms suck. Mine did. I had to cut her out and while I mourned for who I wish she was, I was glad I didn’t have to deal with her bs anymore. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.
I’m sorry parents and grown kids have a difficult relationship sometimes.. it’s heartbreaking 💔
I am so sorry that you dont have a mom. You know what could be really good? If you find an older woman who is lonely and wants to be a motherly and grandmotherly figure in your life. That could be so healing.
I’m sorry your female DNA donor is unworthy of the title, “Mother”. This is on her, not you. Ditto for your grandfather.
Go live your best life with your daughter, and any other kids you might have later, as if the two of them don’t exist. Just because they share DNA with you doesn’t make them family. DNA makes relatives. Actions make family. Their actions, or the lack thereof, are shameful.
That sucks.
But, sometimes you need to just accept that for reasons outside of your control, the woman who birthed you will never be able to provide whatever you need from her. Whether it’s love, comfort, or even something as basic as being interested in how you’re doing.
She will never be that person for you. If you accept that and move on with your life, without wanting or expecting anything from her, you will be happier in the long run, than you will be repeatedly being disappointed by her.
Sorry that you have a shitty mom. The good news (trying to be positive here) is that you know now not to expect anything from her, so you won’t be disappointed by having unrealistic expectations. You also know what not to do to be a better parent and have a good relationship with your kid.
Hope is the thing that’s killing you, mirror her effort, don’t start interactions, if there is nothing better to leave her behind than continúe this cycle with your daugther
do you think therapy would be a good idea for you? There is some baggage …
My parents got a divorce when I was a 14. She cheated on my dad so I decided to live with him which apparently angered her. I have probably seen her 20 times in the last 26 years and usually it’s a holiday at another family members house. I have 3 kids and doesn’t even call to wish them a happy birthday. Got a text 2 weeks ago from her and said “I’ve decided I want to talk to you more.” Never responded and I won’t. Jealous of people who get to have a mom though. Don’t take the ones who give love for granted.
Change your number, then never contact her again, you’re better off without.
Yep your mom may suck. Create boundaries, go no contact.
Join us at raisedbynarcissists
There’s absolutely no reason for you to force this relationship. Let it go. Surround yourself and your child with people who love you, whether they’re related to you or not.
She clearly only wants to do things on her terms and her terms only. You don’t need that lack of respect in you or your daughter’s life. The fact that she won’t even say your name when talking to other people is her way of showing that she only cares about you when you have something to provide her. You don’t need that in your lives. You and your daughter deserve love and happiness.
The way she dismisses your existence and can’t even say your name, it’s a wound that cuts deep. You’re not crazy for feeling this hurt. You’ve shown up for your child in ways your mom never did for you, and that’s incredibly powerful. You broke the cycle, even in your pain.
You’ve done the hard work, reaching out, expressing pain, holding space for possible reconciliation, and she gave you nothing real in return. It’s okay to grieve the mother you wish she could’ve been. You’re not broken. You’re someone who loves deeply and still chose to do better for your own child.
I’m so sorry. Neither of my parents are too invested in my kids. My father has not seen my children since the day of my second child’s birth. She turns 21 in a few months. My Mom never wanted any one on one time with them or to develop a relationship with them. It was only coming over to visit with me and ask about how they were doing. It was hard to navigate but I tried to give age appropriate explanations without lying and I hid my disappointment/sadness until I became apathetic and realized they are absolute numpty’s who missed out on so much and I no longer care or try and fill them in. My Mom is still around and is flummoxed why they don’t call or anything. My Dad has been MIA for about 15 years and the last time I spoke with him I told him to fuck off as we all deserved a real grandpa or nothing at all.
Again, I am so sorry and wish I could give you a (((((Mom Hug)))))
Just completely cut contact. Make the most out of the other motherly figures that ARE in your life. Family isn’t always blood. I’m sorry your mom is this way, but cut complete contact. Break the generational coldness and be a present, loving mom for your daughter. SHE is your world now.
Save yourself!
NC is a blessing with my folks.
your mom sounds like mine..she was a full blown narcissist. if it wasn’t about her, she wanted nothing to do with it. mine did the same thing when I had my children, which led to me going no contact. no regrets about it either. congrats on your baby🥰
You deserved better. Nothing to add because my mom is cut from the same cloth. Protect your peace.
have a mom that fits too.
better off without minding her.
I know it’s not even close to the same, but does your partner have involved grandparents? I only ask because my husband’s mom wasn’t involved and it hurt him a lot to see mine be the opposite.
Oh, you and I should talk
My mom is an alcoholic, and I don’t like it, so I’ve told her off about it a few times
She has also done some seriously nasty things to me, including telling me, on my birthday “I do not wish you a happy birthday” because we had been fighting for weeks due to her trying to tell me what to do when I’m in my 50s
Things have settled a bit, but I keep my distance
Took me decades to figure out I really can ignore her
I had so many issues with her, it affected my relationship with my kids, and my daughter has been estranged from our entire family due to her fragile nature and deep rooted fears that she prob accumulated during the trauma from me and my mom
On top of it,I became a type one diabetic, undiagnosed for at least a few yrs, and that really affects your temperament
If you ever need someone to talk to I can certainly be there for you and understand
I’m sorry
Kiss that beautiful baby of yours and enjoy the heck out of them!!
At least with toue mom you know where you stand. Which is still shitty. My mother feigns interest but refuses to engage. “I would love to come visit you guys” great… then never follows through or only texts when she needs emotional or financial support. I just stopped answering her calls. My son is two and the only reason she’s met him is because I took him to her. She lives twenty minutes away.
The most healing thing I learned was “radical acceptance”. Google will give sources that break it down. Learning it made me SOOOO much lighter and the anger no longer had anything to hang on to.
My parent isn’t this level… I think… but I feel the same with my new family as well. I was told early on that this parent spent all their energy helping the other kids, my siblings, figure out how to parent. That I was on my own.
I took it very literally and have not asked for help in any moving processes, financial stress of a single income home, learning to be a parent, etc. I have come to learn that this might have been an ongoing thing in my childhood, that I won’t ask for help, because I cannot even ask my spouse for stuff. I would prefer to suffer alone even when I am told I can rely on them for support or wants. Something I am trying to work on.
My other parent died shortly after my child was born. My grandparent passed away shortly after. So, it’s been a “I’m focusing on me” for this parent while they enjoy the life changing inheritance that was given after their parent passed away.
Now I get guilt tripped when I don’t come by & bring the family. Why am I not excited to see the one of many expensive new purchases they just bought with cash while my family/rest of the world is in a tailspin financially.
Finally, we had this parent over recently to see our new living space & it was just not a great feeling. Sucks having one parent and you are concerned about when they leave so you can breathe in your own living space. Free of judgment or rude comments to you or your spouse and how your household functions. I have no issues with calling out bad behavior and those type of comments. I just hate doing it because I have one parent left and am always forced into this choosing a side. Obviously, I will continue to choose my spouse & our child over a parent. I just hate that they are making me choose.
So much more I could add to this comment but what good would it do.
Sorry for using your post to also vent. I’ve wanted to make a similar post but feared someone would see and end up linking this back to me somehow.
Hope your situation gets better. I can definitely relate & it’s not a great feeling. I made this comment about me but only so I could show that I know how you feel.
I’m sorry. There are a lot of people that only have children because “it happens”; they have an inability to care for, love and nurture their children. They are mentally ill.
I’m sorry OP.
I’m not sure why you even want that sociopath to see your child? Your mom has repeatedly shown you what kind of person she is. Stop romanticizing this, and let the old woman go.
Don’t bother, go enjoy life with your children.
Honestly, this is heartbreaking. My mother was the same way. Not in the sense of not seeing my kids, she always made time for them, but she would just repeatedly hurt me over and over.. her and my stepdad would just say things and put me down and make me feel like crap.
I’ve sent those texts. The apologies never came. I begged for change. Begged for apologies. Begged for things to be different.. she didn’t show up to my wedding.. i beggggged her to come. (She went to my sisters 5 hours away the year prior, mine was local..) I wanted my mom there. She never showed. I sent one last text explaining that it was the last time she was ever going to break my heart. That I hope treating me so horribly was worth her relationship with her grandkids. 😭 I haven’t spoken to her since.
I’m so sorry. I am so so sooo sorry. 😭 I know how your heart feels right now. 😭 Going nc was hard, it took me time to accept that I wouldn’t get to be with my mom when she passed. That she really missed my wedding. That she wouldn’t be the one I called with all the updates on my babies.. but I eventually found peace. My anxiety/panic attacks slowed down. I’m happier. I’m not always competing for acceptance in my own family. I’m just focusing on raising MY little family and loving my kids more than I was loved.
Your mom is being the shit she has always been so stop expecting her to be better. I know that’s harsh but the reality is harsh. She’s not the warm fuzzy you need or want. Stay connected with her if you are okay with that. If not, put her in your rear view and be a better parent than she was.
Thanks for sharing and getting it off your chest. Stop the crazy circle and teach your family to truly love. Good luck, with lots of love and hugs.
Lol call her out honestly, don’t expect anything from her
Drop the rope. She’s not into you. You don’t have to be into her. She has to have a personality disorder or something, that’s shockingly terrible behavior and she just doesn’t care. I think she’s a psychopath.
Alternatively- she could have a brain tumor changing her personality if this isn’t how she’s always been. Or some kind of trauma or agoraphobia where she’s terrified of leaving the house.
I’d block her on social media so she doesn’t share pics of your baby and pretend to be grandmother of the year.