My weight has always fluctuated ever since I was like 10 years old. From overweight to fit to just a little chubby to skinny and now my BMI says I’m obese, which is hard to accept. I really dont look obese, but I know I need to lose weight. I was doing so well right before I got pregnant, I had lost like 22lbs and was on the path to losing like 10 more. My husband had talked to me about my weight gain throughout our relationship, saying that he was worried I would just keep getting bigger and that I needed to take my diet seriously. So I did. I agreed with him even though it was a hard pill to swallow.
But I gained upwards of 50 lbs during my pregnancy. I’ve only been able to lose 40 of it so far. It’s been such a hard topic to discuss. My husband gets really upset when he doesn’t see progress. I have a hard time with binge eating when I’m stressed, always have. I find comfort in food. It’s not a good thing. I ate a lot while I was pregnant but I ate even MORE after I gave birth because of things like breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, post partum anxiety etc. He has made it clear from the start that I absolutely need to get back into shape, because he was not attracted to my new body and he’s a very healthy person who trains a lot so he wants a wife who is fit and healthy too.
I get it. Honestly I do. And I know I need to lose the weight and eat better for my own health down the line. I know that for a while i’ll do really well but then I’ll relapse and gain a couple pounds back. And repeat. I know I need to stay focused and be more disciplined. I’m not as healthy as I could be. But this is so hard for me, like it’s embarrassing. To hear your husband say those things. I can’t even be intimate anymore because I’m just awkward and embarrassed of my body. He says he still loves me and wants to be intimate and affectionate but im having trouble with it.
How do I not be embarrassed about my husbands concern over my weight and diet? I seriously just want to jump in front of a train whenever he brings it up. I get so defensive and angry when he brings it up that we end up fighting and the fights turn bad sometimes. We say things like, this is never going to get better, how much longer until one of us leaves, etc.
Like my weight and my lack of discipline in regards to my diet is literally ruining my marriage and it’s fucking embarrassing and I don’t want to admit it to anyone I know.
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Oof I know you wouldn’t want to hear this but leave him. If he genuinely cared about your body he’d be willing to work with you in a loving way considering you just had a baby that leaves long standing effects on your body. Y’all shouldn’t have had kids if your weight was going to be a big deal… At the very least he should be picking up the slack extra in your home to allow for you to have more rest so you can except use and can take care of yourself. Idk friend good luck I’m sorry this is happening 🥺🥺🥺
Wow, he does not sound supportive at all. I’m sorry he’s such a jerk.
He sounds like a massive jerk. Does he have any idea what pregnancy and post-partum hormones DO to a woman????? And you’ve already dropped 40 lbs!
He was willing to put you on this hormone roller coaster so he could have a kid – you need to tell him he needs to start showing some gratitude and patience.
Let me offer you my husband as an example of a well meaning kind soul who you deserve (instead of a man who gets frustrated at you for not being to change your body)
I’ve lost 25ish lbs intentionally since last December using compounded tirzepatide. I’ve got probably 40lbs of fat to lose and 10lbs of muscle to gain for a fit, healthy, not skinny body.
My husband was neutrally supportive in the sense that he didn’t make a fuss about “oh wow this is going to be so good for you! I’m so proud you decided to do this!” And instead was like “okay. Let me know what I can do to help you reach your goals.”
When I lost the first 10lbs I mentioned it as a milestone and how im losing at about 1lb a week and how I’m glad I have hunger cues and no nausea, but the medication just takes the edge off my appetite. His response was basically “that does sound like a safe and manageable rate of weight loss, I’m glad you’re liking it”
At the 23lb mark recently when I was yapping about it he asked “is it alright if I say that I notice it? I know that you know I’d never say something with the intentions of hurting your feelings, but I want it to come across positive and not like I didn’t like you before or you’re somehow more important to me now.”
It sounds like you recognize some unhealthy coping mechanisms you have for stress/upset, which is a huge step! Trying to manage those on your own seems to be quite difficult, so I’d encourage you to seek professional support from a nutritionist, your GP and perhaps a therapist (to get to the root psychological issue of binging).
Your husband sounds like a tool. Pregnancy and childbirth are traumatic and intense and I don’t know of a single woman alive whose body isn’t forever changed by it. It sounds like your husband’s primary concern is your appearance, not your underlying health. That is a terrible place to start from. Does he understand that both of your bodies are going to change as they age? People gain and lose weight, they get wrinkles and looser skin, some people shrink in height (!), hair colour fades and some hair disappears entirely! Neither of you are going to look the same as time passes.
It is absolutely important for you to take strides to be in the best health possible for your own sake and that of your child, but not to fit into some ideal of what your husband finds attractive. What’s not attractive is being hounded constantly about weight and being berated with the idea that your worth relies entirely on your outward appearance. It sounds like your husband has a lot of fitness knowledge, but he hasn’t used any of it to support you. I find it interesting that he will tell you that he thinks your current appearance is unattractive, but will turn around and want intimacy. That’s not a grown man, that’s a boy. I hope you show him these responses and he does some serious introspection and seeks counselling so he can mature into a whole grown up real man.
You gained 50lbs, you lost 40lbs, meaning you are up 10 lbs from your pre-pregnancy weight. That’s a huge success! You should be celebrated, not condemned!
What the hell, he sounds horrible. I’m sorry.
Leave him. It’s not going to last. He does have a right to his preferences, so I grudgingly say that. But you are someone (like most people, some more than others) whose weight will always fluctuate, no matter what you do. I am one of those people, and have three sizes of clothes in my closet. Of course, the binging doesn’t help, but you are binging (in large part) due to his excessive criticism of you. But to be fair to him, he didn’t hide who he was. You knew this when you married him, so the onus is on you. It’s not like you were deceived. I don’t like the guy, but he didn’t hide who he was. Either be what he wants or leave. There’s no middle ground here. If you stay and don’t maintain a figure he considers attractive, I guarantee you he will cheat or leave on his own. It’s harsh, but it’s the truth. When people show you who they are, believe them!
Your weight is not ruining your relationship. your husband is.
Yeah he is an asshole. He isn’t supportive at all. I would talk to a psych provider, because this could be post partum anxiety you are self medicating with food. There are meds that can help reduce appetite. I would look into Wellbutrin which is an antidepressant that also reduces appetite. There are other meds for binge eating as well.
It’s not your weight gain that’s ruining your marriage. The problem is your husband values your physical appearance more than anything else about you. What if you had an accident or disease that caused a permanent disfigurement, ruining your looks? How would he react then? It’s better to know sooner, than later, if his love for you is superficial. No one stays young and beautiful forever. You need to have a serious conversation with him. If I were you I would have some pretty big suspicions that the foundation of my marriage is a sham.
Your worth isn’t tied to your weight. If he really loves you, he’d support you through this struggle instead of making it worse
Does he not realize you carried and birthed a whole human? A whole human that is partially his? What a dick.
bodies fluctuate daily and weekly, it’s normal. it looks like youre taking a path to be healthier and doing so seriously. your husband is a fucking tool that doesnt realize having a baby changes your body forever. youve literally lost 90% of the baby weight and some people never accomplish that. be proud! now lose another 150+ pounds by dropping your selfish husband who only cares about your weight and appearance.
First, great job on losing a whole 40 pounds postpartum! That is TOUGH, and I hope you feel some pride. Congratulations.
Second, it sounds like you have two separate issues here that happen to be overlapping and making you feel guilty about both. Like many others have said, it sounds like your husband isn’t actually doing a great job supporting you or encouraging you, so that in and of itself seems like at minimum a communication problem, so that’s certainly one issue. But another is your cycle of weight loss, binge eating, and general food-related shame. That’s an issue many people deal with their entire lives, and I’d like to encourage you to seek support in the form of groups. Overeaters Anonymous is a beautiful, diverse, incredible community that has done a great job making meetings accessible. I’m not a member, but I have attended a meeting, and they have many available online via Zoom. There are open groups, closed groups, those with religious affiliation, and those without religious affiliation. I hope you at least think about checking out a couple meetings, you might be surprised what you find there.
I hope you find peace in this journey friend.
I rather live alone than have your husband! I’m glad you acknowledge you need to lose weight for your own health and you are actually doing it. The issue is your shitty husband. Imagine if you get cancer he would leave you. He doesn’t sound concern!! He should be watching the baby so you can lose weight.
How much does your husband weigh?
Lose that.
your husband is ruining your marriage. you’re supposed to gain weight while pregnant. your body has been through a massive physical and hormonal event. and it’s okay if it doesn’t look the same as pre pregnancy! health is the most important thing. trying to move regularly (without overdoing it), eating balanced, and working on shifting coping mechanisms is all you need to focus on. you’re also recovering and raising a human. you don’t need to do more than that.
your husband putting conditions on his attraction is a massive red flag. what if you were in an accident that left you disabled? what if you were diagnosed with cancer and lost your hair? what if you experienced a traumatic event and self care took a backseat for a period of time? these are all things that happen in life. i hope they don’t for you, but it’s always possible. in a marriage you’re accepting the reality that your spouse will change. sometimes in ways you expect and other times in completely unimaginable ways.
if your health according to a doctor is fine and you’re practicing generally good habits, then your weight is not your husband’s business. if he wanted a wife who was “fit and healthy” (which is clearly code for skinny), he should have chosen a wife who is built that way naturally and chosen not to have biological children with her and should have prayed no bad thing ever happened to her. because his expectation is not realistic. he should not have gotten married
Your weight and eating habits may be a bit of a problem (hey, it happens to the best of us..especially after growing an entire person!) but if you want my honest opinion you have a much bigger problem than any of that and that’s your husband. I don’t care what anyone says, if you’ve every truly loved someone you will love them no matter what happens, no matter what they look like and the last thing you would want to do is make them feel unattractive. It’s fair to worry about your spouses health but real talk: your health isn’t his biggest concern. How do I know that? I know that because he doesn’t give a damn about your mental health which is arguably the most important thing. He’s also not concerned about his comments giving you an eating disorder. His affection is conditional and based on your looks. What is he planning on doing if you got into an accident and became disfigured, if you hot cancer, if you became disabled. I think you already know the answer to that and it’s not what a good spouse would do and it’s probably not what you would do if the tables were turned.
So I said this in a reply but to condense the math down: OP lost 22lbs before her pregnancy and was looking to lose 10lbs more. After pregnancy, she was up 50lbs and has more lost 40lbs. That would mean OP is now 10lbs over her pre-pregnancy weight and 20lbs off of her goal weight.
This is wonderful progress, especially with a baby that’s literally attached at the tit who is causing you to need an increase in overall calories.
The post reads as thought OP is trying to paint her husband in a reasonable light regarding all of this and if this is the best she can do… her husband is treating her horribly. The man should be her biggest cheerleader and a pillar of support. He should be congratulating her, celebrating her achievements, and recognizing the incredible effort and commitment while working through unhealthy food coping mechanisms.
OP, you deserve better. You made incredible progress both before and after pregnancy. You are a strong woman who should be proud of your hard work. You should be enjoying how close you are to your goals instead of being torn down over not instantly being an air brushed fitness influencer. He needs a wake-up call that he’s being a terrible husband and actively sabotaging your heath journey and mental health.
Edit autocorrect errors.
You need therapy. No amount of discipline is going to help you if you can’t get your eating disorder under control.
It’s clear your husband loves you, but shame is not a good motivator. Shame and embarassment will suck any hint of motivation right out of you. The first step is to give yourself grace and acceptance. You are human, and we are all flawed. Meet yourself where you’re at instead of beating yourself up for failing to achieve a goal or not being where you would like to be.
Come up with a game plan to help yourself, and figure out what your husband can actually do to help you. Because what he’s doing right now isn’t working. Get a therapist. Maybe also a nutritionist. Get some bloodwork if you can to make sure your hormones and insulin levels aren’t fighting against you. Look for positive motivations instead of negative ones.
And take a big deep breath. This a fight you can win. There are loads of other people who have been through this battle and made it out the other side. And I 100% believe you can too.
Having dealt with mental health issues and a concerned partner who did not express it very well, my DMs are open if you want to chat.
I never knew it was possible to hate a man that I don’t know
Honestly getting started is REALLY HARD. It hurts to exercise and you feel hungry all the damn time because your stomach is stretched. My husband confronted me many times over my weight and even put a scale in the bathroom and printed a chart for us to weigh ourselves, then he got prescribed an ozempic like product and dropped weight easily. It was soul crushing dude.
But I changed my relationship with food. I recognized that I felt lightheaded and dizzy when I wasn’t eating, it was my blood sugar dropping. I got glucose chewable tablets from cvs and was able to feel better instantly without pounding calories. I stopped drinking calories- this was actually my whole problem and I had no idea. I would eat, sure, but I drank tea all day, or coffees, or literally anything including alcohol. I don’t really like many diet drinks so I mostly drink water but I do think Gatorade zero is pretty good in some colors, so I drink that too. Black coffee or zero calorie redbull for caffeine. I skipped breakfast and tried to go longer every day before eating. I made a pact with myself to not finish anything. Sometimes that meant I left a tiny bite, and sometimes I only ate half because I recognized I was full. It was more about showing myself that I do have control, and the single bite leftover was my motivation every meal to keep going.
Once I put more time between meals and ate a little less and stopped drinking my calories I wasn’t as hungry anymore, the weight fell off. Once I lost enough that my skin looked crazy I started working out, but I didn’t do anything until then. I swear jumping into the gym when it actually hurts like hell to work out is why so many people fail.
I’ve maintained my weight loss for 6 years, I eat whatever I want when I want it, I’m just not hungry 3+x a day anymore. My blood sugar is steady, I feel strong as hell. It feels so empowering to be in shape and look good. You are going to love it and it’s right around the corner for you. You just need to find the right way for YOU. It can be the smallest steps at a time, because eventually you will get somewhere.
You’re not married to a real man. You are married to an emotionally stunted man-child.
So he’s clearly letting you know that his feelings for you are conditional. WOW!! 🤬
You’re right, it’s not going to be better. Your husband is an asshole for all the reasons that other commentators have covered, and if he’s so into training and healthy habits, he should know that torturing a person about the weight they are trying to lose, is the contrary of effective, on top on being insanely cruel. He’s literally working against your weight losing journey, also, how much is he involved in child and house care? Is he doing is share to reduce your load and allow to focus on your health (which is not just about weight), or is he the only one of you that has time to take care of himself, while you take care of all the rest? And the fact that he said that is not attracted to you, but still wants to be intimate is heartbreaking and disgusting on his part, he literally said that he doesn’t like you but he will put up with it as long as you put out for him! Giiiirl, the only weight you need to drop is his.
I gained 65 almost 70 lbs during my first pregnancy and at no point did my husband make me feel bad about it. Afterwards it took 2 years to drop the weight and at every point he was supportive and uplifting in his language surrounding my body and weight loss struggles. We joke now that I became a “big girl” during that time but thats because it no longer is a topic of insecurity for me and he knows that & I like to talk about how far I’ve come since it makes us both proud.
I say this only because your husband should ALWAYS be your biggest supporter and advocate. If you are putting in the work, then he should be nothing but praising. It’s not a linear journey and his behavior sounds like it’s the problem not you.
Lose the husband
You lost 80% of your pregnancy weight, while breastfeeding and sleep deprived. That’s a huge amount! Your body might need that little extra padding right now. And it’s SO hard to prioritise a “healthy” diet and exercise while parenting a tiny person.
Your body grew and nourished an entire human being! That’s hard work and an amazing achievement. Your husband needs to shut his fucking mouth about those ten pounds.
Your weight gain isn’t ruining your marriage, your husband’s unrealistic expectations are.
Your husband sounds like an absolute prick, sorrynotsorry
I am so sorry you are going through this, weight gain is hard to accept; but having your spouse telling you that he’s not attracted to you is a horrible way to motivate you. Before you start any type of diet or “get exercise” plan, I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist. I did that for a couple of years before starting other behaviors that lead me to lose 50+ lbs. I have utilized glp1’s, but that was after therapy, being consistent with my exercise and a lot more diligent with my diet. I did the clean eating and exercise for years, and glp1’s were the final piece that was missing. But don’t forget, your body isn’t the same as it was, you’ve gotten older, you’ve been through pregnancies; you need to give your mind and body time to recover from all of that trauma. And honestly, your husband doesn’t not know what you have been through, this is your journey, not his.
That man is not being supportive. He’s being selfish and controlling. Grr.
How heavy is your husband? Let’s say 200lbs. Leave him and you’ll automatically lose 200lbs.
Yah I’d loose the weight. No matter what in the end a guy always would rather have a fine tone ass body on his wife
The girl makes the guy sorry
I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry.
I’m sorry your husband is so superficial.
I’m sorry that he didn’t mean his vows when he said “for better or worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part.”
I’m sorry he’s concentrating on something as insignificant as extra weight when you grew a whole-ass person. (Seriously! Your body BUILT A PERSON! And then fed it!!! Really think about that, it’s so badass!!!)
I’m sorry that your husband is making you feel bad about natural urges, like increasing eating during breastfeeding.
I’m sorry he’s ruining your relationship to food by equating being thin with being a good person/spouse.
I’m sorry that he’s gaslighting you into thinking you have a weight problem when you have a husband problem.
It’s not about your health. Don’t let him lie. It’s about his preference for a particular body type. If it was about your health, he wouldn’t be cruel, he would be supportive.
Sending you so much love ❤️❤️❤️
Oh my god we have the same exact situation with my husband . He is absolutely in love with me and we ended up getting a lipo360 in Miami. Game changer. And if I am getting comments about accept yourself and body positivity the truth is my husband keeps me on track and I felt myself when I was in shape. Our body our responsibility. Being obese is not healthy, doesn’t matter how much the media telling you that you should accept fat people. It’s your health.
You have had weight issues since you were 10. All the discipline in the world isn’t going to change the fact that being overweight in childhood puts you at a permanent disadvantage in losing weight and keeping it off in the future. It doesn’t mean you can’t lose weight and keep it off. It just means that as hard it is for people who were never overweight before to lose weight, its even harder for those who were overweight as children, and harder still for those whose weight greatly fluctuates.
I don’t have the answer, but I do know that beating yourself up over not having enough discipline is not going to help. Studies also show that people who try to shame others for being overweight under the guise of “concern for their health” or “just trying to help them” do the opposite. People gain weight under those conditions. In addition to the shame and stress, if you dislike something, why would you be more motivated to take care of it? Making someone hate their body doesn’t make them want to take care of it. So beating yourself up, hating your body, etc isn’t what you want to be doing. You may think you are giving yourself “tough love” but it doesn’t work that way. Forgive yourself. Show yourself kindness. And if you can afford it, find a therapist that deals with eating disorders like binge eating. The last thing you need is more judgment.