I’ve sabotaged my sleep to be a voyeur

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and have expanded our sexual interests more and more each year. I learned recently that he gets off to porn a lot more than I realized he did, mostly in the hours that I’m asleep.

He used to get out of bed and go to the bathroom to do this, but now he feels more comfortable doing it in the bed after I’ve fallen asleep.

I also recently discovered that I absolutely LOVE and have the biggest kink watching him get off to porn. He offers all the time to do it while I watch, and we have tried this but I can sense his nervousness and feel terrible that maybe he isn’t able to enjoy it as much with me watching.

I’ve explained to him that I have no problem with him getting off to porn beside me when I’m asleep, so he has stopped with the bathroom trips and continued with his activities in the bed beside me.

HOWEVER, I still love to watch. I lay silently and pretend to fall asleep next to him and just peek while he gets himself off. This is perfect for the both of us, because he gets to enjoy it without feeling pressure and I get to watch without him tensing up.

This happens a few days a week, but I’ve laid awake in the bed sometimes for hours waiting for him to get off. Every night I tell myself that I’ll just go to sleep, but as soon as he gets on his phone my head goes crazy thinking about watching him and I’m unable to doze off. I’ve honestly lost countless hours being a voyeur but it is SO worth it. Phew…