so when i was 19, maybe about to turn 20 sth like that, i lived in a flatshare. it was my first one that i in hindsight really count cause i stayed there so long but technically i was in other ones before. i know these days and back then as well, some people that age are like really grown. i don’t feel that way about me back then.
there was a guy in that flat who i sort of fancied, even though we barely spoke. i was myself traumatized by a groomer when i was 16, and started watching mainstreamporn at like 12 and i do think it influenced me a lot. still does after all those years. now the way i saw men back then was very distrusting, kinda didn’t even see myself as potentially ..thatgross – even though simultanteously i do feel gross about myself when i flirt sometimes to this day but i didn’t see myself as preditory “by nature” so to say or sometimes, or deliberately not for a sec there. i knew technically that women can be predators! but my mentality was a bit like.. “he fancies me too (i thought but i still think that, in 2023 it looked like it again), guys are gross, sperm is gross, if anything what i might do now is gross for me isnt it”. so here’s what went down
one day, this guy had left his worn underwear in the kitchen for a couple days. he wasn’t home and asked me on telegram or so at some point, if i can put it in the laundry for him. …i took the boxershort, and instead of straight to the laundry back then i took it to my room in the flat, i closed the door and sat next to it with it in front of me for like five to maybe ten minutes idk. then i “examined it” by looking, and then i’m not 100% sure about that part my plan had been to “taste the sperm” i know gross, fucking ew, and i think i kinda didn’t find anything so to say, and i don’t remember sometimes i think i maybe smelled it for two seconds and that was it, sometimes i think i touched it with the tongue for 2 seconds after
right after that situation i remember feeling like FUCK what have i done is this a mistake that how can i ever see myself as a good person if i did THAT? is this like omg huge dark past (especially cause i’m actually in like left bubbles and usually super sensitive to sexism and yes when its about men as victims is included in that!, and am like trying to not sexually pressure people and i’m 100% sure anyone i ever hooked up with would confirm that i didn’t behave pushy in bed). i’m also someone who struggles with imposter syndrome, ever since i was 16 basically and somewhat before that as well, and that night i had a nightmare that i did all that and woke up like fuck I DID.. id i?! and then i already kinda questioned weather i did or not but either way. i remember crying and i’m not sure if i was like fuck i wouldve done that/almost did that, or like fuck i did that.
idk two months? later, the flatmate moved out and i kinda told myself ok uhm…. just never see this guy again
i only saw him like three times the following years, sometimes i even flirted with him again and-or forgot for a sec that i did sth gross back then. then in 2023, in another city that i was considering moving to, i suddenly met him in the left circles i was about to wanna be part of, first i was internally kind of like that was aages ago, then at home i had a bit of a breakdown and was contemplating the options so to say. tell him, even though it was already almost ten years ago at that point, and tbh i was so thinking what if that’d make a round and take away my whole chance at a new start. this guy is also kinda from the town i still live in so in other word i was also thinking it could literally make a round where i wanted to start over AND where i lived for my entire adulthood so far.
i wrote him some letters i did not send, once in 2023 and again last week after i had lowkey told a friend who ever since has been treating me weirdly. there were a lot of moments when i felt like they hate me now and are just not seeing me as a friend anymore etc., but.. well a predator. this friend has also recently been through enormous trauma and i should probably not have told them. cause they’ve basically been.. you know. and drugged before, no memory. so when i told them that no i didn’t tell that guy, i think to them the image was triggering cause they obviously thought of not being told what happened to them probably.
so, i wrote some letters i didn’t end up sending, when i imagined telling the guy i also felt a bit like “who is that even really for”.. i mean it could maybe be a huge pain for him, and right now he’s not wondering about that. and that was ten years ago. like i at some point sort of forgave myself, and since about maybe 1-2 years ago i started genuinely liking myself more. but now i made that mistake to tell this other person and they’re literally a core of the friendcircle i’m in. when last week i wrote a message i didnt send again (today i wouldve also called telephone helpline about it again but i didn’t wanna block their line if they are low on staff and have people with more urgent and worse problems call) and it just kinda felt like “why would i be doing that, is it like my redemption arch only that i wouldn’t even GET redemption other than maybe from myself? i know that the friend thinks i need to tell him about it but to me idk. it feels a bit like or would i only do that out of fear the friend ruins my life with this. and i know that sounds like oh you brought that upon yourself wdym t h e y would, but like it was ELEVEN years ago i knew back then already that it wasnt right thats not what i mean to say about my age back then, i did, but this would literally even by law have expired 1.9 times or so.. so now i kinda dont know what to do. i kinda feel as if could get over that again, but the friend idk if they can, rn its been over a week since i said it (roughly) and they still treat me different and stare at me angry/repulsed sometimes, and today they totally ignored my attempt to hug them and they had hugged the other friends. and that was the second time. and they dont seem as comfortable around me. they did still wanna go to uni together though, i’m not sure if maybe they aren’t sure either what they think, if maybe i just need to give em time, .. also a bit unsure about the letters but i feel like it could ruin my life lowkey and i mean that cause these bubbles,.. like i worked through a DECADE of social anxiety to get to the few great people i get to hang out with these days, i recently found a group i feel good in even though still socially nervous but not as bad as the years in other groups where oftentimes the whole meeting i wouldnt say a single word and desperately wish they’d wanna be friends. and i’m 30 turning 31 rn, like.. wdym i finally am at a place where i can enjoy unilife as i was supposed to and then its ruined by sth i did 11 years ago (i also have mental health disorders and have another sexual trauma from when i was 22 and since i’m not necessarily feeling that hetero idk, i often reanacted trauma around 22 to 25 and pushed myself to do stuff with men even though i felt awful. after all that, i was celibate for years by now and i haven’t even healed to the point of being able to be sexually intimate with another person again so to say. idk i feel like its supposed to be my time to shine, imagining how he might feel reading it isnt helping either. and.. i .. well, i do think i was kinda past that. idk)
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TL;DR
Well, I didn’t read all of it. The part I did read was about you getting massively guilt ridden about sniffing a guy’s underwear. Get over that. It’s no big deal.