I live in fear that my boyfriend will propose.

I am 23F and my boyfriend is 24M. We’ve been together since high school, living together for two years. We grew up in (and still live in) southern small town USA. Needless to say, we’ve watched a lot of our friends get married and/or have children in the past few years. It’s just the culture.

My life is nothing that I wanted to be. I graduated in 2020 (that sucked), ditched university plans (paying to do virtual school in my dorm seemed ridiculous) and went to community college. Got my associate’s and decided to take a semester off to rethink my major. Three years later, I’m a bartender with my associate’s. I still want to go back to school and I want a career, but I can’t even decide what I want to do. Then there’s paying for it. It seems impossible and I feel stuck.

My boyfriend works in a trade and makes decent money. My money is good but not always consistent. I do have a small savings account, but I also have credit card debt. I just feel like I’m floating through life waiting for the adult switch to pop on.

Everyone asks us when we’re getting married. His mom even mentioned a proposal during our summer vacation this year, which BF told me was just her being wishful (I believe him, she’s like that). People can’t understand why after 6+ years we’re not sure we want to commit. It’s suffocating frankly, this town is suffocating.

I’m not anywhere near the woman I want to be when I walk down the aisle. Financially stable, mature, ready. I feel more like my high school self than I do that woman. Not to mention that neither of our parents can afford a wedding so we’d be footing the bill. We can barely afford Chili’s.

My boyfriend shares this sentiment but I fear that the pressure will get to him soon. I know some might say it’s not about this stuff, it’s about love, but I just disagree. We love each other plenty right now as a couple who lives together. I don’t see a point in making myself a wife before I’m ready.

I have talked to him about this but you can only express it so much without sounding noncommital. He seems to agree with me but Idk. I’m afraid he’ll cave to the pressure of this town (that I still want to leave) and I would absolutely say yes because I love him. But I would then mourn the idea I had for my life, which I guess I should be used to by now.