I’m aware that people’s thoughts aren’t necessarily an indicator of morality but I can’t help feeling like a terrible person. I don’t know what it is but I’ve always been so judgmental and miserable my entire life, since I was a little kid. Even if I’m able to corse correct and never act on my terrible thoughts, I wish I didn’t have them in the first place.
As a kid, I was always judging my friends and classmates. I could pick out every single trait everyone had that would get them bullied or made fun of and I’d think about how cringy and embarrassing all of my friends were.
When I hear my coworker complaining about getting reprimanded, my first thought is always along the lines of “yeah well you probably fucked up and deserved it” without even pausing to hear their side.
My boyfriend is confiding in me about his mental health struggles and I think “why is he burdening me with all of this?”
My friend doesn’t text me for a few days and I’m so unreasonably mad and fully drafting scripts in my head of how I’m going to cut them off and blow up the friendship.
When I’m with my partner and/or friends I’m usually able to catch when I’m thinking unreasonable things or catastrophizing, but it is so hard not to descend into what feels like literal insanity when I’m left alone.
For example, my boyfriend recently made a social media post referencing a kind of animal that I thought was his ex’s favorite animal. I lost my fucking mind. I had to unblock her (a precaution I took because I know seeing her would drive me crazy) and watch all her instagram stories, scroll through her Facebook to search for this video or any proof that she might have been the one to send it to him because I know that still talk on a semi regular basis. I was getting myself so upset and i started thinking things like “I cant believe he would post about this. He should know that posting about this animal isn’t okay. It’s like he wants to hurt me. I should just break up with him right now.” It was only after like an hour of searching and realizing that the animal in the video wasn’t actually her favorite animal that I was slightly able to calm down. Even if she had sent him the video, why does it matter? I don’t know. There is no logic or rationale behind any of this.
I’m just constantly having thoughts about how everyone hates me and is out to get me and how I hate everyone. I never act on any of these thoughts. In fact, I know they’re so horrible I often times act in a way that’s the exact opposite of my thoughts so everyone thinks I’m like a decent person. I feel like I can’t tell my friends or partner about these thoughts because then they’d know how awful and shitty I really am and not trust me anymore. If I was actually a good person, wouldn’t I be able to be kind to the people I care the most about in my head?
Comments
Is it possible that you have BPD?
Thank you for sharing this it takes real courage to be this honest with yourself and others. The fact that you’re aware of your thoughts and actively choose not to act on them says a lot about your character. Our inner voice can be shaped by past experiences, fears, or trauma, and sometimes it doesn’t reflect who we want to be but you clearly care deeply about the people in your life. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and reaching out like this is already a step toward understanding and healing. Be kind to yourself you’re trying, and that matters.